I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

I agree that they need to be told now, not nearer the day. I also think that KillerFlamingo's advice is spot on. Maybe add in that the venue has a strict no drugs policy as well.

@newnortherner111

Your friend should be reported to the police straightaway and the invitation to the wedding revoked. Or you are condoning the drug supply chain much more of which is known about than even ten years ago.

I hope you would never wish to condone the stabbing of young men which happens as the result of the drugs trade.

I agree with you. The intimidation and violence involved in the drug trade, in Asia and South America where the stuff is grown, and in virtually every town in the UK (and anywhere else you might care to name) is appalling.

"Each to their own" is a cop-out.

Yep. Look up the recent history of Colombia and see how much violence and murder is involved.

@sbhydrogen

Urgh, that's so annoying. It's just ONE occasion, don't stress the bride out as she's already got enough on her plate! I'd have hoped for a better and more understanding response from your friends.

Why expect such people to be more understanding? Addicts are selfish, it's all about them and what they want. The habit comes first.

Ok I've already apologised for my each to their own attitude but I'd be lying if I claimed that's the reason I hate drugs. I hate drugs because of how they impacted my life. I would never touch them again.

On the rare occasion I accidently ended up at something that turns out to be a session, I feel completely left out, bored and make my excuses to leave.

Otherwise they are a great bunch of mates, we always have fun when we get together. My birthday parties are always drinking, eating affairs so it hadn't dawned on me that my wedding would be anything different.

The more I think about it though the more I think my friend might have it wrong. I don't think she's necessarily the voice of the group, she's just the loudest voice.

The wedding isn't till next year, I'll mention it when the RSVP s are coming back.

You're all so responsible and self righteous. Jeez. It must be great to be so much better than those scummy people.

@Surfisup Yes, yes it is. As someone who lives in a council tower block due to a disability, and also left a 'druggie'/alternative set and lifestyle as it was severely dangerous for my health (and is not good for anyone's) , not being a druggie/clown and having moved on from that does give me a sense of pride. Nothing wrong with pride in not being scabby/a self destructive wacky-looking tw*t.

For me it wouldn't matter to me if the person could 'handle' it or the drug use wasn't every day etc. I'd still find it a turn-off and it would put me off that person.

I'm kind of with you on sending something out a bit nearer the time, maybe it could be a reminder following a first request now, so they can't 'forget'. A wedding with people openly on coke sounds grim, you do right to try and put a stop to this. You fully expect some guests to have a couple too many to drink, but not to be zoned out and talking bollocks.

@Surfisup I don't know about being responsible and self-righteous, that'd be taking it a bit far. But I'm definitely a slightly more respectable person than when I was involved with that scene/ those people.

YANBU but, honestly, there's nothing you can do. They will do it anyway. I've been through this myself. Best thing is just to let it go and accept that it will happen.

People won't offer your children any coke just the same way they won't offer them any alcohol

I worry for this outlook. It's unsavoury to have children around drugs full stop. Not to mention the residue thats left in the cubicles that children are using.

You're all so responsible and self righteous. Jeez. It must be great to be so much better than those scummy people

There's always one isn't there? No doubt some enjoy associating with these kind of people - birds of a feather and all that - but it doesn't mean the rest of us have to, thanks all the same

And no, we may not be "better" in any number of ways, but we're certainly better in not using illegal drugs which have hideous social consequences

The fact that your friend says they will require a room / designated place to do Coke is just it's very OTT, childish and shows where their priorities lay.

Any normal person who enjoyed a few lines would just do it in the toilets; no need for a special room and no need to even mention it.

I'm not condoning it. I'm just saying it's possible to do it without turning it into such an "event".

She sounds very childish.

I would just say "it's a drug free wedding. If you can manage without coke for one night, great. If not, no worries, we will catch up another time. Please let me know ASAP."

If they're regular drug takers then I very much doubt you'd even notice them doing it. People did coke at my wedding and I had no idea until afterwards. I wouldn't have actively wanted people taking drugs on my wedding day, but it honestly didn't affect the party in any way

@Surfisup

I work with people with drug addiction. It's very different to people taking a bit of coke every now and again, not everyone gets addicted to drugs, hundreds of thousands of people can do it responsibly just like drinking. I'm sorry you've seen drugs wreck lives, I have too, I've seen far worse with alcohol though. I do think in no a lot of people here are just saying OMG drugs are illegal and have no actual experience of them. I don't take drugs anymore but some of my friends do. I have never taken drugs at a wedding. I just think some people here think they are so bloody perfect.

It's not just the dangers involved in drug-taking, it's the drug trade. The profits go to people in South America for whom battery, rape and murder are a way of life. A way of life which users (any users, even naice middle-class users in good old Blighty) are, indirectly, funding.

"Some people here think they are so bloody perfect"? That's the type of defensive comment that users use. Same with any addicts, they spend a lot of energy slapping other folk down for being "self-righteous." It is deflecting pure and simple.

Turquoise. It's good that you live your whole life in an ethical way and that nobody is harmed through any of your actions.

I follow a vegan diet
Don't drive a car
Make my own clothes using fabric produced in an ethical way
I don't use pornography
I work with drug addicts and homeless people in a positive way to better their lives.

But I did take class A drugs for a while between the ages of 18-28.

What an absolute arsehole I must be

There is no way in a million years I would provide a room at my wedding for drug users. I can’t believe they would ask. The only room they need is a drug cell!
I can just imagine if my father or father in law had discovered drug users at our wedding. He would have arranged for the hotel security to discreetly reject them in the waiting arms of the local police force.

@Surfisup

Turquoise. It's good that you live your whole life in an ethical way and that nobody is harmed through any of your actions.

I follow a vegan diet
Don't drive a car
Make my own clothes using fabric produced in an ethical way
I don't use pornography
I work with drug addicts and homeless people in a positive way to better their lives.

But I did take class A drugs for a while between the ages of 18-28.

What an absolute arsehole I must be

This is exactly what I mean: defensiveness.

They are pathetic for not being able to manage one social occasion with out their drug. People also hate being called out on that kind of thing in my experience. Are you willing to lose their friendship forever (and it sounds like you are getting a bit bored with their company?) If so, I'd not invite them and accept that I might be taking a break from them for a few years.

I had to uninvite people to my wedding because they refused not to take drugs. My family hate drugs and I didn't want people taking anything in their company. The majority of the people I asked were more than happy not to take anything. The others, like your friend, said I was trying to control them but I made myself clear and told them if they couldn't come without taking drugs then they weren't welcome. I uninvited 5 people and I'm actually now quite glad they weren't there. I was annoyed at the time though that they couldn't give it a miss for one day.

I know it's easy to say but if push came to shove, I think I would invite any that didn't agree to stay drug free. Not judging you for having a bit of a wild time 20 years ago, but I would be so ashamed and embarrassed if a group of my good friends started getting off their faces on coke in front of my family and partner's family.

Sorry, *uninvite

@Surfisup

Turquoise. It's good that you live your whole life in an ethical way and that nobody is harmed through any of your actions.

I follow a vegan diet
Don't drive a car
Make my own clothes using fabric produced in an ethical way
I don't use pornography
I work with drug addicts and homeless people in a positive way to better their lives.

But I did take class A drugs for a while between the ages of 18-28.

What an absolute arsehole I must be

You probably were an absolute arsehole (or at best, a crashing bore) until you were 29. Goes with the territory.

But why? Would you have them around drunk people?
@Morgan12 what a stupid question. Funnily enough, no. I'm not sure that there are many people who will claim that there's nothing wrong with drunkenness in the presence of children. I should think that most parents try to keep their child away from events where drunks will be present.

All of the weddings I've been to have been civilised affairs, though I'm aware that not everyone's family is like that. Anyone who has worked at a venue will relate a few horror stories, I'm sure (there was a great thread on this).

^But I did take class A drugs for a while between the ages of 18-28.
What an absolute arsehole I must be^

No--one in the thread is necessarily saying that people who took drugs at some point in the past are bad. A lot of us did. But we gave it up, like you did (well done.)

There is something rather tragic about someone who still uses party drugs into their forties.