I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

@User3253465621

Unpopular opinion but if it's literally one night, with people you are genuinely friends with then you can't really stop what fully grown adults intend to do or not to do. The worst case scenario might be they get so coked up that they might break things / ruin the party / embarrass you in front of other guests which can also happen with alcohol.

Quite surprised at the moral outrage from many PPs here tbh. I have never taken drugs and certainly do not support the industry but judging by the tone here many are making it sound like pedophilia. Acting shocked that you even have contact with people who take an occasional line of coke or that you would even consider having them at your wedding. Either those PPs are increeedibly sheltered or just love moralising similar to the corona police.

As for the drug industry being terrible, that's obviously true. But there are plenty of legal industries where people suffer or die (fast fashion, fishing, cheap agriculture etc) and it would be massively hypocritical to condemn one while still buying your clothes from a hight street retailer or a cheap, non-organic box of veg.

Well said @User3253465621

Not an unpopular opinion at all. And very sensibly put. They do always complete on these threads to be the most outraged and sanctimonious, and most other posters quietly leave them to it!

I was really surprised at my wedding how many people turned out to be doing coke. I have tried it years ago but it didn't even cross my mind on the day. A couple of other friends mentioned it to me the day after and I was embarrassed. They had seen them / heard them in the toilets.

I don't think you'd really notice on the day because you'll be so busy but your "friends" should respect your choices if you say you want it to be drug free.

I think YABU

I don't do drugs but I have friends who dabble in cocaine. They did some at our wedding and everyone had a good time.

We had a very expensive wedding in a fancy venue, no one noticed the cocaine, I think they found a quiet spot.

It's not my cup of tea but I don't tell adults how to enjoy themselves. Don't bust up an otherwise good friendship over this, you really won't notice on the day.

They do always complete on these threads to be the most outraged and sanctimonious, and most other posters quietly leave them to it!

How noble and, ironically, sanctimonious.

I think the problem here is that they've made it very, very noticeable in the past at weddings so the live and let live option isn't as simple as it would be if they were discreet about it.

@PinkMendinilla

I think the problem here is that they've made it very, very noticeable in the past at weddings so the live and let live option isn't as simple as it would be if they were discreet about it.

Honestly I don't know how noticeable it would be to the other guests unless they overheard them in the bathroom.

What's been noticeable at the weddings is their absence as they're all holed off in a room or having boring intense conversations. The weddings where they were the main guests and and wider group making up a large part of the entire friend guestlist had empty dance floors. I felt left out basically and bored.

It was the same when we were on an adults only weekend away abroad. We were all out for lunch and some wine, everyone seemed bizarrely aggressive, shouting for airtime and getting into arguments about nothing. It took a while for the penny to drop with me then they were all laughing at me and my shocked reaction to them smuggling internally though the airport. It was really disappointing for me as I had expected a great weekend of having meals out, late bars, wandering around the city exploring but instead found myself standing outside bathrooms, going to bed hours before everyone else and going to the gym or walking around the city alone while the others were still in bed. Then when they did rise they would need valium, a few drinks and the whole crap buzz would start again.

In stark contrast, we've had loads of other nights with a mixture of people that wouldn't include coke and had an absolute ball. They are not incapable of having a good time without and I do want them there for the day. I don't want to feel left out at my own wedding.

As I said already I think my friend I spoke to is a misrepresentation. I'm not going to speak to her about it - she never organises coke anyway from what I've seen or contributes financially but spends the night hoovering up lines. I will chat with the rest of them individually and just say it's not going to be that vibe, I would be embarrassed.

I think the problem here is that they've made it very, very noticeable in the past at weddings so the live and let live option isn't as simple as it would be if they were discreet about it.

^Yes this. Especially in view of what PPs have said about a lot of wedding venues not tolerating drug use. You don’t want to end up being thrown out.

It would be very disrespectful anyway, as these friends know how you feel about drugs. What happened to it being up to the bride and groom as to what kind of wedding they want? (See all the threads about child-free weddings being their choice.)

I don’t do drugs (I’ve never even witnessed drug taking actually) but I do like drinking wine so I’m not judging drug use. But that isn’t the point. I’ve been to social events that are teetotal in the past and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to attempt to sneak a bottle of wine into the venue.

The worst case scenario might be they get so coked up that they might break things / ruin the party / embarrass you in front of other guests
That's what she wants to avoid.
which can also happen with alcohol.
It can but the difference is the legality. The venue will be supplying the alcohol and they have the right to refuse anyone that's had one too many. If someone is a problem drinker they shouldn't touch it if there's a chance they could ruin a wedding.

The difference with alcohol is there's an awareness over intake. With drugs, you don't know how much of the drug is in there and how much is all the garbage the pad it out with. There's a gamble with how it'll affect you mentally and physically.
If guests ruined her wedding because they're out their face in drugs, that would give OP a right showing up. Worse than if it were alcohol.
Is it okay because it's cocaine? What is it were heroin, would that be frowned upon? They're the same class.

OP some of my friends take it. They now can't socialise without it, which is strange because they're terrible company on it. When people would just drink everyone was merry together. They think they're fine but everyone else sees the dilated pupils, runny nose, sweat, stern facial expressions, walking that's turned to marching, the need for dull serious conversations. Not to mention the fact the miss the night because they're tied to toilet cubicle or room with their wet/bloody notes and straws.

Weddings cost a fortune, even when done in a budget. There's a lot of planning and effort involved. This isn't a night for them. If they can't respect your wishes for one night, they don't come. It's not about them. Also, if they can't stay away from coke for one night, they have a problem.

They can handle their drugs and I know they won't ruin my wedding, they just won't really be a part of it. They will be off having their own thing if that makes sense.

@Bridezillamaybe - why are you wasting an invite to your and your DH’s special day to people like this?

@Bridezillamaybe

They can handle their drugs and I know they won't ruin my wedding, they just won't really be a part of it. They will be off having their own thing if that makes sense.

Some people do this anyway at weddings. Go to rooms for parties, no drugs involved. Depends how much that would bother you.

I think another difference between booze and drugs is familiarity. Even a very genteel elderly aunt or granny will be familiar with what a drunk person looks like, and how to handle this, whereas other guests might not understand the behaviour of a group visibly on coke which would change the atmosphere and comfort levels.

Send an email to the 10% saying that the management of the venue have a strict no drugs policy and anyone found taking any will be ejected from the venue and the wedding celebrations stopped .say they are very proactive in this matter and tell them straight that you completely agree with this policy and that nobody is to bring any type of drugs to the wedding.
Add that if they feel they cannot adhere to this on your wedding day then to contact you to say so and their name will be removed from the guest list.
It's there then,clear as day,so they have no excuses.If they attend and bring drugs,throw them out.
And I hope you have the wedding day of your dreams.🌈

@Peach01 I know people disappear off to rooms but not to the same extreme. When everyone is privately doing lines all night they spend their time huddled together off in private.

So uninvite them! Why wouldn’t you??

Honestly if you ask them not to do it and let them come anyway you're going to spend the whole day tense and watching them to see what they're up to, and will inevitably end up disappointed on your wedding day.

@Wolfiefan

So uninvite them! Why wouldn’t you??

Because I really like them and we generally have lots of fun together. We are longtime friends.

My AIBU is about how much say do you reasonably get about what your guests do at your wedding. I can see both sides of the argument. It's not completely black and white as demonstrated by the mixed (not perfectly balanced but not unanimous either.

YANBU but they'll still do it regardless, sadly that's just what I've come to expect from the people who haven't moved past class A's. Every meet up is the chance to attempt to relive the old days.

I prefer just to remember them as they were!

@JewelGarden

Honestly if you ask them not to do it and let them come anyway you're going to spend the whole day tense and watching them to see what they're up to, and will inevitably end up disappointed on your wedding day.

I'm going to speak to my friend who generally does the organising. I really can't imagine him having a self-entitled attitude like my friend who raised it with me did it or expect me to justify my stance on it (as she always does - she seems to take it as a personal attack that I don't take drugs, as if she invented them).

In fact he definitely wouldn't. I was at his house once with my fiance. He cooked an amazing meal then when we were having a few drinks later he took me aside way later saying himself and his wife were wondering about smoking a joint but didn't want to cause offence (to my fiancé). And that was in his own house. So there's no way he'd be insisting I organise a room for them at my wedding or that coke will automatically be welcome.

[quote ImmyMc]@DdraigGoch You sound incredibly middle class. Most weddings I've been to are working-class Scottish ones, and almost everybody is drunk at those and children are very present. And it's always fine. I really do think Mumsnet users would benefit from trying, just occasionally, to see things from outside of their own perspectives.[/quote]
@ImmyMc
Actually I'm in a blue collar, unionised job, my mother was a nurse and her father a newsagent. My father an engineer (via apprenticeship, not degree). "Working class" doesn't necessarily mean that everyone is a navvy subsisting on . It may well be different where you're from in Scotland, of course.

Of course it’s black and white. You don’t want illegal drugs at your wedding. If they can’t honour that then they are not welcome.
I like the idea above. Venue has a strict no drug policy. Don’t come on drugs or bring them with you. If you don’t like that then don’t come.
OP you can like someone but still feel their behaviour is unacceptable. Getting off their faces at a wedding is pretty shitty behaviour. If they won’t agree not to then don’t have them at your wedding.

I don't want to hide behind the hotel policy because it suggests if they're careful enough that it's fine with me. I want to be honest that I'm hoping for a different vibe - family, some colleagues, newer friends.

[quote ImmyMc]@DdraigGoch You sound incredibly middle class. Most weddings I've been to are working-class Scottish ones, and almost everybody is drunk at those and children are very present. And it's always fine. I really do think Mumsnet users would benefit from trying, just occasionally, to see things from outside of their own perspectives.[/quote]
Don't be ridiculous. Being OK with an event of any kind where most of the adults are drunk is not limited to class.

I once went with DS to the school fete at a private school. The posh parents supposed to be supervising the bouncy castle - one of those ones which are like a big slide - were standing around getting pissed, the slide started to collapse with the weight of kids on it, and a group of kids then organised themselves to marshall the slide to make it safe for everyone. (They roped in DS! He was stoked to be included!) It was only the kids who noticed.

On the other hand, the number of non-middle-class weddings I've been to which have had people drinking and having a good time, but not being obnoxiously drunk, are legion.

tl;dr being a drunk at events including children- hell, even at events FOR children - is not a class thing, don't be so silly.

So tell them? I really don’t get what the issue is. Frankly I wouldn’t have invited anyone I thought would bring illegal drugs to my wedding. No friendship is worth that.

@Forstarters

There is something rather tragic about someone who still uses party drugs into their forties

Why? You either think it’s always tragic or it’s not tragic. Why does age come into it? Ageism

As it happens, yes I do think that drug-taking is a bit pathetic at any time of life. An eighteen year old though can use the excuse that they are young, foolish and naïve. What is the fortysomething's excuse for not growing up?