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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect meals to be "tweaked"?

220 replies

StartingGrid · 12/06/2021 20:14

I should preface this by saying I'm fat, and don't cook. The arrangement is DP cooks, I do most everything else. He will ask me for suggestions as to what I'd like, and like today if not following a book or tried and tested recipe will google one.

I suggested a fish risotto, he sent me a link, all fine. We then sit down to eat and after I said it was lovely, he said he'd added extra butter and cream cheese. I'm seriously pissed off as he keeps doing this, what is the point in trying to eat well if he just sabotages it. His argument is it tastes better, but how could he know it wouldn't have tasted just as good had he stuck to the agreed recipe?

OP posts:
SimonJT · 12/06/2021 21:16

@PattyPan chicken breast will provide you with protein, risotto rice is essentially empty calories so doesn’t actually provide a great deal of nutritional benefit, it also leads to a blood sugar surge which for many people increases hunger.

MargosKaftan · 12/06/2021 21:17

OK so you've said you are exercising more and want to eat healthier, but not spelt out you mean you want to do these things to lose weight?

You need to be clearer.

I've decided I'm eating healthier this week, but not trying to lose weight (I could shift a bit but generally happy), more that I was aware while what I was eating in quantity was equal to what I was burning - so not gaining weight - it wasn't as nutritious as it could be.

Because dh is now working from home and on the days I get home from work at 1pm tends to make lunch for us both and he's not a fucking mind reader, I told him clearly what my plans were last weekend so he wasn't making food I didn't want to eat. I also said to go ahead and cook some less healthy stuff for himself if that's what he wanted.

So have a clear conversation. You are trying to lose weight, not just be healthier.

Be clear what that means for you- are you trying to lower your carb intake, avoid high calorie foods, just eat higher % of your meal as vegetables etc. Be specific and then say you will cater separately if he doesn't want to eat this way.

If hes generally lovely, then this is just a communication issue. If you are on a diet, say so!

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 12/06/2021 21:17

Yanbu - aside from anything else, butter and cream cheese do not belong in risotto! Toast the rice with olive oil and if you make it properly, stirring constantly, the creaminess comes from the starch of the rice not from adding cream or cream cheese.

Agree that cream cheese has no place in risotto, butter and proper cheese however are a must. Look up "mantecatura". Risotto comes from the north of Italy, butter is what's used there, abundantly.

MargosKaftan · 12/06/2021 21:19

Butter belongs in a risotto. This is a hill on which I will die.

BloomingTrees · 12/06/2021 21:19

Do you snack in between meals?

LolaSmiles · 12/06/2021 21:19

Butter belongs in a risotto. This is a hill on which I will die.
I'm right beside you on that hill.

Horehound · 12/06/2021 21:20

Why don't you learn to cook? Anyone can follow a recipe Confused

ElephantOfRisk · 12/06/2021 21:20

Communication OP - that's your problem.

You need to have a conversation about the fact that you want to lose weight and how the foods he cooks can help. You can't just expect him to realise that you have or haven't been exercising and adjust accordingly.

You will be far more successful with him on board and he can have larger portions/more calorific side dishes if he isn't trying to lose weight.

Exercise is good, but you can't outrun your fork.

Castlepeak · 12/06/2021 21:20

I no longer cook for my DH, even meals that he enjoys, because he expects them to be identical every time. He doesn’t understand that even if I were to do everything exactly the same, there are small variations in the raw ingredients, the ambient temperature, and the humidity that are going to impact the results.

Unless you have explained specific medical requirements to the chef, you can’t expect him to slavishly follow a recipe.

smallgoon · 12/06/2021 21:21

@NewlyGranny

Sabotage. He wants you to be fat. The question is, why?
What a weird response.
mindutopia · 12/06/2021 21:22

That sounds lovely. Fat does make things taste better. If you are picky about what you eat, you have to cook for yourself.

PattyPan · 12/06/2021 21:22

@SimonJT literally all foods contain protein. That 100g of rice has 2.4g of protein, also 1.1g of fibre which chicken doesn’t have. If it was served with a lot of fat the glycemic load of the meal will have been reduced so wouldn’t have produced blood sugar issues in someone with a normal response. Calories are what OP needs to watch not carbs.

PattyPan · 12/06/2021 21:24

@ChardonnaysPetDragon I was always taught to do tostatura with olive oil

Love51 · 12/06/2021 21:24

YABU.
I thought you were going to say you were in a restaurant and they'd added something either contentious (prawns, marmite) or an allergen. He isn't baking a cake, he's cooking risotto. The recipe is just a guideline!

Knotswapper · 12/06/2021 21:25

Did you work out how many calories were in the risotto from the recipe you sent him? If so YANBU.

If you're anything like me, to lose the weight you'll need to plan a bit more. I do a menu plan at the start of the week, work out the calories per day and then I know I'm going to stick to it rather than attempting to freestyle.

What sort of food do you like OP? We could suggest some ideas that can work for you and your DH. Has he ever tried to lighten up his meals before?

SimonJT · 12/06/2021 21:26

[quote PattyPan]@SimonJT literally all foods contain protein. That 100g of rice has 2.4g of protein, also 1.1g of fibre which chicken doesn’t have. If it was served with a lot of fat the glycemic load of the meal will have been reduced so wouldn’t have produced blood sugar issues in someone with a normal response. Calories are what OP needs to watch not carbs.[/quote]
The chicken would provide around 30g of protein without the impact on blood sugar and while not being nutritionally deficient. Yes she needs to count calories to make sure she is in a deficit, but not all calories are equal.

Comeondelicious · 12/06/2021 21:27

@KrisAkabusi

Nowhere in your OP have you said that you're on a diet, or have told him you're trying to lose weight. Unless you've made this clear to him, he's just doing what most good cooks do.
Agree!
ChardonnaysPetDragon · 12/06/2021 21:32

@ChardonnaysPetDragon I was always taught to do tostatura with olive oil

But that's different. I wouldn't use butter to cook it, it burns easily, but you need it at the end.

Worstyear2020 · 12/06/2021 21:33

I do all the cooking at home, my husband tries to lose weight, I don't add extra fat and sugar knowing that he will like it but ruin his diet. We all try to eat healthy so it's not normally a problem. If my food have extra fat or sugar, I will warn him then it's up to him to make something for himself or eat what I cooked.

Why don't you make it clear that you are trying to cut down on fatty food?

Standrewsschool · 12/06/2021 21:33

I do most (99%) of the cooking in this house. I get seriously cheesed off when someone criticises. Yes, occasionally the veg are over cooked, or it’s pasta, again. However, they are more than welcome to cook meals if they so wish.

Your dh cooked a meal and thought he was doing a nice thing by making it taste better. He wasn’t trying to sabotage it, but improve it!

Thewinterofdiscontent · 12/06/2021 21:34

“treat meal” is your first mistake. Treat for what exactly? It’s a nice meal. Just eat a bit less of it and it will still be nice.
Did you have lots of veg and salad to go with it?

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 12/06/2021 21:35

Ahhh this is an interesting one in our house.

I used to cook. Then DH took over. One reason he took over was because he wanted to lose weight, so he finds healthy meals and cooks them for everyone. I think the meals are a bit bland and not what I'd choose, but I eat them with gratitude because I didn't have to make them.

Occasionally I cook, and I cook what I like. I do include cheese and cream etc. DH can eat a smaller portion, or he can bulk it out with protein, or add a salad.

I should add that we've both lost about the same weight over the last year. I eat much smaller portions than him and only eat when I'm hungry.

So... my answer would be that if you want to lose weight, then maybe eat smaller portions of what he makes, add more protein and salad, or cook for yourself.

MrsR87 · 12/06/2021 21:36

He sounds like a great cook, definitely of the James Martin school of thought!

To me, being on a diet and trying to eat healthier are two very different things. I think you can still eat butter, cream etc as part of a balanced diet especially when your meals are home cooked with fresh ingredients. To me a balanced diet is eating healthily.

If I wanted to lose weight I would cut those things out and replace them with alternatives or avoid all together. However, I wouldn’t expect my husband to know this unless I had explicitly told him I’m on a diet and he must follow the recipe so I can control the amount of calories/fats I’m eating. If I didn’t, he would do as yours did and tweak it until he was happy with the taste as he loves cooking.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 12/06/2021 21:36

@MargosKaftan

Butter belongs in a risotto. This is a hill on which I will die.
I will die, probably of cholesterol riddled arteries, alongside you on this hill.
AnnaMagnani · 12/06/2021 21:40

Butter totally belongs in a risotto. Cream cheese no. And fish risotto traditionally doesn't have cheese.

However aside from that you need a conversation about the fact that you are making a lifestyle change and can he please cook to accommodate that. Personally, as the cook, I find it easiest to do this low-carb by just making a meal and then doing a portion of potatoes/rice/pasta for DH but not me.