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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 14/06/2021 12:04

Sounds like as they've all grown up together they've all banded together now and are trying to exclude you and also effectively get your DH to exclude you too.

It's good your DH declined and cited you as the reason.

Is it possible that DH already knew that everyone else already knew? If yes, he should have told you so you could have ignored it all and left them to the drama.

On the other hand, you now know what scum DH's friends are can safely ignore them all.

faithfulbird20 · 14/06/2021 12:30

I'm so sorry I didn't read the full thread.

You did the right thing. It's good you have a supportive husband.

Cheats wife sounds like she knew and wants to not acknowledge it. What a horrible horrible group of friends. Cheats wife also seems quite pretentious. Atleast you wont have to hear moan about her husband again! Good riddance!

DdraigGoch · 14/06/2021 13:08

You're damned whatever you do in this situation. If you do the right thing and tell her, she may (and has) go into denial. If you do the wrong thing and cover up, you are complicit.

So whatever you do, the friendship would probably have fallen apart anyway. Better to do the right thing, at least your conscience is clear.

I would have told her face-to-face though, not in a message.

Overdueanamechange · 14/06/2021 13:39

I have read through your posts @Lora918, but not through the responses. You sound like a good friend. You did the right thing, and whilst sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy and will have short term consequences, you can hold your head up high and look yourself in the mirror. Best wishes to you. X

Egeegogxmv · 14/06/2021 13:42

Follow them and get photos🕵️‍♀️

AngelDelightUk · 14/06/2021 14:01

Hope you’re doing ok. It sounds like your friend doesn’t want to know what’s going on

Deadpoet1 · 14/06/2021 14:47

I was in the same situation as you. I told my friend. Her husband was a complete prick and she deserved so much better. It turned out he'd been cheating for ages. She divorced him and years later has married a man that treats her like a queen.

Your friend deserves to know

Deadpoet1 · 14/06/2021 14:48

I haven't read the full thread so if you've now told her 👍👍👍

Bluntness100 · 14/06/2021 15:43

@Egeegogxmv

Follow them and get photos🕵️‍♀️
Please don’t do this. She’s made it clear your voice isn’t welcome in her marriage. She doesn’t wish your involvement. At all. Do not start stalking them and trying to photograph them. It’s bad enough as it is without doing this.
BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 16:13

Please don’t do this. She’s made it clear your voice isn’t welcome in her marriage. She doesn’t wish your involvement. At all. Do not start stalking them and trying to photograph them. It’s bad enough as it is without doing this.

OP is hardly likely to so such an outrageous thing.

shallIswim · 14/06/2021 16:19

Haven't read whole thread but if you've told her well done.
I missed a trick by worry too much and not telling a friend about her cheating partner. Big mistake. I was a coward and hate myself for it. She found out eventually but only after more pain than was necessary

Amdone123 · 14/06/2021 16:40

@shallIswim, awh, that's a shame, but you did the right thing. My whole family was split apart through no one saying anything. It's a horrible situation to be in. What grates me is the cheat is happily going about their way and every other innocent fecker gets the blame. A travesty through and through.

Amdone123 · 14/06/2021 16:48

@shallIswim, I meant that you did the right thing by doing what you thought was best at the time. Honestly, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Don't feel bad.

shallIswim · 14/06/2021 16:51

I know... at the time I felt I wouldn't be believed. I was a coward!

Original poster
Lora918 · 14/06/2021 17:01

[quote PerciphonePuma]@Lora918 I don't understand what the group is for? Is it like a club or something? Who is in charge? Do they know?

Also, have you asked your friend why she's blocked you on Facebook? I'd be very angry about that, you've done nothing wrong!!! If you hadn't told her, you'd be vilified for that too when it all came out so what were you meant to do? [/quote]
The group is something they've had for years. They don't do everyday conversAtions. Just write things when they're organising getting together etc which is even weirder that he wrote control your wife in group.

She blocked me on WhatsApp not Facebook and I am assuming I am probably blocked from calling and messaging too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 14/06/2021 17:02

[quote BlueDaises]@Lora918

How are you feeling today? Distance yourself from all of them.. you are the better person, and everyone knows it but will be afraid to admit it.

🌸 [/quote]
Not to good tbh but better than yesterday. I wi distance myself from them but it seems they are the one doing the distancing for now.

OP posts:
Mooloolabababy · 14/06/2021 17:08

Ah op, It's so shit that you are being treated this way for doing the right thing. What has your dh said about it? Will he be distancing himself too? Surely he can't condone the shitty treatment of you by them all?

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 17:21

@Lora918

they're doing you a favour by distancing themselves.. saves you the trouble.

remember this OP, you are in charge of your happiness not them. You are kind decent and above all honest.

Be kind to yourself 🌸

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/06/2021 17:25

What's DH's longer term plan re this group of friends?

Because they're all complicit in covering up cheating, which is something that gets mixed responses so your DH may think that's ok / not ok but now one of them has told him to 'control your wife' surely he thinks they are such absolute cunts he is done with them?

'Control your wife?' I mean fuck me, is this the 1950s?!

Bluntness100 · 14/06/2021 17:31

@Mooloolabababy

Ah op, It's so shit that you are being treated this way for doing the right thing. What has your dh said about it? Will he be distancing himself too? Surely he can't condone the shitty treatment of you by them all?
But it wasn’t the right thing. It would only habe been the right thing if they woman wanted to know. She did not. As such it was the wrong thing for the op to get involved in her marriage like this. And she’s paying the price for doing it. And that’s fair enough. It was not the ops place to do this.

It was not the right thing in this instance, you cannot apply your morals and decide yours ar right and the wife’s are wrong. Her marriage. Her call. And she says wrong thing.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 17:44

OP you did the right thing. 🌸

Peach01 · 14/06/2021 18:08

It's the wife's call what she does with the information, but it's not her call whether someone tells her about her husbands cheating.
I'd be shocked if she didn't already have an inkling given how she reacted.
He'll give her a bit of extra attention any time it's all about to come crumbling. He's arranged this little get together and only invited the people who are all in on his secret and can reassure her OPs making it up and any time her own suspicion has been aroused, it's all in her head.
What are friends for.

MindatWork · 14/06/2021 18:18

@Bluntness100 but she is already involved in her marriage Op said in her opening post that the DW has been confiding in her about her marital problems for two years now.

I’d agree with you more if she was a vague acquaintance or hadn’t ever expressed any concerns about her marriage whatsoever, but I think if a friend is confiding in you for a long time and then you find out something like this then it’s not actually wrong to tell them.

It was 50/50 which way she’d react and it’s unfortunate she’s decided to take it out the op, but that’s life.

She’s obviously decided to try and save face/bury her head in the sand - nothing op can do about it but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

faithfulbird20 · 14/06/2021 18:30

Please don't feel sad. You honestly did the right thing. Leave them to it. They'll soon fight amongst themselves and one of them will come crawling back to you. I wouldn't want to be part of a group that sounds like a weird cult where they know each other's dirty laundry but keep it to themselves. They sound like they're married to each other and their other halves are there for show. You stay happy and show them you're enjoying life. Don't give them anymore thought. You have morals they don't. Trust me someone will erupt on that group and will come to you.

Humpthree · 14/06/2021 18:46

*What's DH's longer term plan re this group of friends?

Because they're all complicit in covering up cheating, which is something that gets mixed responses so your DH may think that's ok / not ok but now one of them has told him to 'control your wife' surely he thinks they are such absolute cunts he is done with them?

'Control your wife?' I mean fuck me, is this the 1950s?!*

I wrote a while massive paragraph but deleted it as I can't out it any better than what @youvegottenminuteslynn said