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AIBU?

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Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
grapewine · 13/06/2021 08:18

I wouldn't call the other woman in the group either saw. Didn't you say that they went out with cheat and the OW? If so, her loyalties are clear. Or did I misread that?

At least your DH seems to have acquired some backbone - even if it is late in the game.

grapewine · 13/06/2021 08:19

*random 'saw' in there. Sorry.

PegasusReturns · 13/06/2021 08:22

Don’t approach the other woman in the group, she has no interest in getting involved.

Cheats behaviour in inviting DH to dinner shows you where this is going: they’re going to try and scapegoat you. Make it clear to your DH that you will not tolerate him being part of these attempts.

Rollmopsrule · 13/06/2021 08:22

Op you've done the right thing. Your friend will eventually face the truth and realise you were a true friend. At least your DH has finally grown a backbone. His friends sound thoroughly vile.

yeOldeTrout · 13/06/2021 08:22

.

bonfireheart · 13/06/2021 08:27

Leave them to it OP. You have nothing to lose or gain in this situation- except lots of headache you didn't ask for.
You've told her. You were the only one with any decency or concern for her. Next call is hers.

Eyjafjallajokulldottir · 13/06/2021 08:28

This reply has been deleted

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Snowdrop30 · 13/06/2021 08:30

Agreed. It is utterly humiliating when everyone knows and doesn't tell you - compounds the original sense of betrayal.

tropicalwaterdiver · 13/06/2021 08:43

@Blankspace101

When you say young girl I assume you mean an adult woman. If so keep your beak out of your friends marriage as it’s really nothing to do with you. Unless you like being involved in creating drama.
OP said that the wife discussed her marriage problems with her previously. So she wanted some advice and comfort or sympathy. To some extent OP was involved by the wife.

It's a very interesting approach to pretend the problem doesn't exist as long as no-one talks about it.

Pl242 · 13/06/2021 08:47

You did the right thing OP. Despite your friend confiding worries in you before, she has decided to shut down your information rather than see it as confirming her gut instinct that something was wrong. Her blocking you and trying to get you to not mention it again further confirms she wants to stick her head in the sand. I think you need to leave if there. She can’t say you never tried and pushing it further risks making your own life more difficult. She’ll either keep her head in the sand or come to you in time. I know it feels bad that’s she’s pushing you away but this is not about you. It’s about her and her DH. You did the right thing and can sleep at night. You just have to leave it at that for now.

I’d be more upset about the dynamics of your DH’s friendship group that you’ve come part of. It sounds like they go way back and have a dysfunctional loyalty towards one another. From what you’ve said it sounds like failure to meet this loyalty results in banishment like you’ve been subjected to. At first I thought your DH sounded spineless and complicit in all this but following what you’ve said about your friend’s response, maybe he knew this was how she would react (if I’ve understood he’s been friends with her too for a long time) and just wanted to stay out of it.

Either way what is unacceptable is you being treated like this by the group. You’re being punished for the cheaters affair which is all kind of wrong. Glad to see your DH is standing up for you. Make sure that continues. In my own marriage I’d want to be put first by my DH over a dysfunctional friendship group.

Original poster
Lora918 · 13/06/2021 09:10

Cheat actually wrote that wife is one who wants to invite them for dinner - I don't know how true that is as cheat himself wrote and wife or I am not in the group. I think they're all going to cut me off now - making a point to not invite me. And I think everyone else will side with them.

I have decided against speaking to other women too. She is my friend and she saw the messages last night - she could have reached out to me too but chose not too.

OP posts:
GalaxyGirl24 · 13/06/2021 09:24

I would 100% tell her and be very annoyed with DH that he'd condone behaviour like that. Your friends husband is making a fool out of her being so brazen and breaking her trust.

She may well be heartbroken but at least she will have the chance to get her stuff sorted and deal with him as she wants

rainbowstardrops · 13/06/2021 09:29

I think you did the right thing and if your friend knows deep down that her husband is cheating but is burying her head in the sand then there's not much else you can do.
What a vile group of 'friends' though. I know you say you have no worries about your DH cheating on you but if he went along with the deceit because they were having a 'bad patch' then that's pretty disgusting of him! Like it's perfectly understandable. Yuk.
I wonder if he'd do the same to you if you two go through a bad patch?
Horrible people.

Hopdathelf · 13/06/2021 09:29

Always the same: they shoot the messenger.

I know the other thread about a potential affair yesterday turned out to be a troll and was deleted but it was really obvious given what’s happened in this thread why someone would choose to send an anonymous letter.

GalaxyGirl24 · 13/06/2021 09:32

Sorry OP I should've read the whole thread.

You did the right thing and I'm so sorry it's been turned on you, what an awful bunch they all are! It sounds very toxic and tbh I'm sure in time you'll feel better off without people like that in your life who clearly have zero morals and cannot be trusted.

bonfireheart · 13/06/2021 09:37

People are weird though...my sister knows guy who is constantly having affairs. His friends know about it, he takes these girls to dinner and events with his friends. He has been caught out a few times by his kids and said he won't do it again, but then he does. His friends compliance in it all is so odd.

Amdone123 · 13/06/2021 09:41

Op, I think you have done all you can. Draw a line under it now. It's caused you far too much stress and upset than it should have done.
I'm glad your OH now has your back.
I would find new friends.

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 09:42

You have to tell her, I’m sure you’d want to know.

VeganCheesePlease · 13/06/2021 09:49

I know if I was her, I'd want to know. What he's doing is not ok and if he's big enough to have an affair, he's big enough to face the music.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/06/2021 09:54

Well done for your honesty-your DH is now clear where your boundaries are and at least you’re not complicit in this. They aren’t your friends and never wereSad

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2021 09:57

I’m sorry but I disagree with the majority here, you have been given shit advice, and the wife’s reaction has proven this to be true.

Unless you know someone well enough to know if they want to know then you don’t go interfering in their marriage, irs nothing to do with you,

And I’m sorry but for me you’re getting what you deserved, you interfered in this woman marriage not knowing if she wanted to know or not, and she didn’t.

timeisnotaline · 13/06/2021 10:06

@Bluntness100 if you don’t tell them and they would have wanted to know, there’s also a cost and often a fallout down the line. Just because the op doesn’t see it doesn’t make the pain and betrayal less. Getting it wrong goes both ways and it’s very hard to pick which way.

awaketoosoon · 13/06/2021 10:09

I’m sorry but I disagree with the majority here, you have been given shit advice, and the wife’s reaction has proven this to be true.'

I do agree with this, everyone always said tell but actually unless it was family or a very close friend & I knew the ins & outs it backfires it.

Some people suspect or turn a blind eye so don't want to be forced to confront it. Many forgive & move forward & the teller becomes the bad reminder.

bonfireheart · 13/06/2021 10:10

@bluntness100 how was she supposed to know if she wanted to know or not...?!
Was she supposed to say "hey if your husband was having an affair would you want to know?" Cos that wouldn't look suspicious at all.

Tbf the cheaters wife sounds like a twat and as I said your conscience is clear, now everyone else can make their bed and lie in it.

awaketoosoon · 13/06/2021 10:11

It's a very interesting approach to pretend the problem doesn't exist as long as no-one talks about it.

Is this not really common in England?

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