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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
Amdone123 · 13/06/2021 10:14

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
And the cheat meanwhile is happy as Larry!

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/06/2021 10:16

Op dp you really want to consider any of them your friends?ditch the bloody lot!!

tentosix · 13/06/2021 10:22

Tell her. She has a right not to be lied to and cheated on. Fuck the husband, he is not the priority here.

CatherinedeBourgh · 13/06/2021 10:22

I don’t understand why you are so upset. The wife clearly has chosen to ignore her husband’s affair, and has all but spelled out to you. It’s her right.

You should just contact her and apologise for butting in, you should say if the tables were turned you would have wanted a heads up, but that you understand that it’s none of your business and will be quiet about it going forward.

Try and keep your judgement out of it if you want a relationship with them going forward.

OhRene · 13/06/2021 10:25

What humiliated my mum the most when dad was sleeping with a girl at their work (they worked in the same factory) was the fact that the whole place knew. mutual Friends, colleagues and bosses. All of them knew and no one said anything. One day her friend dragged her aside and told her. It completely devastated her life but she's glad it happened.

I would want to know.

Miranda15110 · 13/06/2021 10:38

I think she needs to know but be prepared to lose her friendship. A long time ago I told a woman I was friends with that her husband was cheating on her, who with, and that although I'd only recently found out it had been going on for a fairly long time. She went and caught him in the act so to speak. The marriage was over. We stayed friends for a few months afterwards but she definitely cooled towards me. She was a good friend and now we're not even fb friends. I told her because she said she suspected him. I didn't just blurt it out.

ohfourfoxache · 13/06/2021 10:57

As painful as it is, at least you know they are a bunch of cunts and can walk away

Ignore them, they are not worth any head space x

UhtredRagnarson · 13/06/2021 11:28

After the behaviour of the lot of them I’d be very tempted to post a very public, very identifying post detailing the lot on Facebook.

Very tempted. I’d need someone to keep mg phone until that feeling passed.

awaketoosoon · 13/06/2021 11:41

After the behaviour of the lot of them I’d be very tempted to post a very public, very identifying post detailing the lot on Facebook.

Yeah this is just weird, don't do this!

UhtredRagnarson · 13/06/2021 11:43

Grin I didn’t recommend it. I said it’s how I’d feel.

PennyArcade · 13/06/2021 11:46

What’s done is done now. You did what you thought was best for your friend. She obviously wants to bury her head in the sand and shoot the messenger rather than those doing the dirty.

It’s time to walk away from that friendship group OP. They are not friends. Whether your DH wants to remain a part of the group or walk away with you will show where his priorities lie.

CagneyNYPD · 13/06/2021 11:57

Have just read through the thread. What a dreadful position to be in @Lora918. As others have said, the wife has made her choice. Shoot the messenger.

There is nothing you can do about that. You did the right thing and in the fullness of time, others will see that. I feel really sorry for the wife as she is clearly lying to herself, ignoring the truth. Choosing to put up with his awful behaviour.

But you have shown your DH where your boundaries lie. This is good for your marriage in the long run.

Unfortunately, you will probably be cast out of the group. It will hurt and it will be v awkward. But these people are not your friends and it is best that you know that now.

At least you won't have to pick up the pieces when the inevitable shit hits the fan. Because it will. I would put good money on him leaving her in years to come when he gets some pretty young thing pregnant. What a mess.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 12:31

@Lora918

You lady hold your head up high... let them wallow in their own self righteous cesspit of betrayal lies and affairs..

Trust me.. she will now be fully aware of exactly what her sleaze of a Husband is doing and she is frantically and desperately trying to save face to all around her..

He is fucking someone else so boldly he taker her into your local pub... He doesn't give a shit about his Wife or family and is laughing at his greatest trick yet.. He'll be showering the Wife with bollocks and lies.. whilst still arranging to screw the OW albeit now freely..

Sit back OP... and watch this CRUMBLE before your very eyes...

and when she comes sobbing to you ... tell her to DO ONE ..

YOU... are a true and honest person 🌸🌺

lobsterkiller · 13/06/2021 13:04

I think you did the right thing. What she does with the information is up to her. Im sorry she blocked you. In time, maybe even now she'll know you are the only person who has been honest with her.

I had a friend and her husband had an affair, she knew he was (had form) and i found out who it was. I told her knowing that this could kill the friendship. She believed me but stepped away from us being close. I was sad but i couldnt pretend i didnt know anything.

In these situations you cant win.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2021 13:29

[quote bonfireheart]@bluntness100 how was she supposed to know if she wanted to know or not...?!
Was she supposed to say "hey if your husband was having an affair would you want to know?" Cos that wouldn't look suspicious at all.

Tbf the cheaters wife sounds like a twat and as I said your conscience is clear, now everyone else can make their bed and lie in it.[/quote]
Becayse if you know someone well enough you’d know if they wished to know or not, you can also have gentle conversations to confirm it.

She doesn’t know this woman well enough and she got heavily involved in her marriage, told her when she didn’t wish to know, it was nothing to do with her and not her place to decide to roll in there as she did.

If you don’t know the person well enough to know if they want to know or not then you don’t interfere in their marriage like this, it’s shit behaviour. She’s upset this woman, and the “friendship” is over.

It was never her place to decide if this woman should know and it was never her place to get herself heavily involved in their marriage as she did.

The baying on mumsent to tell is ludicrous and damaging. The op should never have done what she’s done, you only tell if you know the person well enough to know if it’s the right thing, and she didn’t.

Viciouslybashed · 13/06/2021 13:38

I think despite what @Bluntness100 says you did the right thing. I get why you are upset but don't let them make you feel bad for having a moral fucking compass. If they decide you are the bad guy then honestly fuck them! Chin up! you did the right thing.

bonfireheart · 13/06/2021 13:54

@Bluntness100 she does know her, the woman has been confiding in her about the state of her marriage.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 13/06/2021 13:54

I think you did the right thing too. You don't stand and watch while somebody is made a fool of. You give them the information so that they can make decisions about their own life.

Sadly there was no good outcome for you. If you hadn't told her, and she'd found out in the future that you knew, she'd have been equally angry. A lot of her anger now is embarrassment. She may yet end up thanking you in the long run.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2021 14:09

[quote bonfireheart]@Bluntness100 she does know her, the woman has been confiding in her about the state of her marriage.[/quote]
She doesn’t know her well enough though does she, or she’d know she’d never want to know and this would be the outcome.

romdowa · 13/06/2021 14:23

To be honest I'd be more concerned about your dh attitude towards it. Will he have the same attitude when it comes to your marraige?

awaketoosoon · 13/06/2021 14:28

Well I dislike cheating & would never do it myself however that doesn't mean I would tell someone.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2021 14:52

@awaketoosoon

Well I dislike cheating & would never do it myself however that doesn't mean I would tell someone.
Agree, because it’s not about the op or me or uou or what we would want. It’s about what the woman wants. And she didn’t want the op to get intimately involved in her marriage like this and that’s her right.

The op over stepped this woman’s boundary, and we should always respect other people’s boundaries even if they aren’t our own. The fact she’s now blocked and uninvited says she didn’t even know this woman’s boundary.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 13/06/2021 16:03

I'm surprised at how many people would keep quiet. Whilst this thread suggests that some women wouldn't want to know, for some unfathomable reason, surely the vast majority would want to know they were being made a fool of, at risk of an std, living with the sort of man who creeps after 18yo teens etc?

OP, don't doubt yourself. You did the morally right thing, for all the right reasons. Keeping quiet would have been worse. Every time you saw her, every time she complained about her marriage, you would felt intolerably guilty imo. It's her dh who has blown up the marriage and friendship group, not you.

HidingUnderARock · 13/06/2021 16:05

I am really confused. Are there several other women in the group, or just the woman married to cheat's cousin?

What do the other women think in that case? Do they know too?

Peach01 · 13/06/2021 16:52

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'm surprised at how many people would keep quiet. Whilst this thread suggests that some women wouldn't want to know, for some unfathomable reason, surely the vast majority would want to know they were being made a fool of, at risk of an std, living with the sort of man who creeps after 18yo teens etc?

OP, don't doubt yourself. You did the morally right thing, for all the right reasons. Keeping quiet would have been worse. Every time you saw her, every time she complained about her marriage, you would felt intolerably guilty imo. It's her dh who has blown up the marriage and friendship group, not you.

@fourminutestosavetheworld Exactly. Ignorance is bliss and all but not knowing doesn't change what's happening. I'd rather know and deal with the pain than have the piss taken out of me by some disrespectful, lying piece of s**t who comes home to me and calls me his wife.