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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
awaketoosoon · 13/06/2021 17:38

Whilst this thread suggests that some women wouldn't want to know, for some unfathomable reason, surely the vast majority would want to know they were being made a fool of, at risk of an std, living with the sort of man who creeps after 18yo teens etc?

I think people think they want to know but the reality is different & many would prefer to find out themselves. People don't like others knowing.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 17:42

The Messenger always gets shot.. we know this ..

OP you did the right thing. 🌸

callmemaybee · 13/06/2021 17:53

I mean, yeah it does sound like she’s aware but trying to brush it under the carpet

I would stay far, far away from it all

hellogem · 13/06/2021 17:57

Op it's possible the friend hasn't realised your not invited, assuming she's not in the group, men don't look in to mssgs too much, her husband prob skimmed it and obviously as your dh is invited is also assuming you too are mentioned.

SickofCovid · 13/06/2021 18:12

... we shouldn't be the one to tell her and 'ruin' their marriage

He has some neck trying to insinuate that by you telling his wife will ruin the marriage, when he has already done that by being unfaithful. Absolute dick trying to blame others for his actions.
Please tell your friend, she deserves to know.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/06/2021 18:25

You've done nothing wrong OP and I respect you for telling her. I would want to know of it was me.

Some people place the status of being married above their self respect and would out up with anything to maintain the facade.

For whatever reason she's willingly blind to the situation, let her crack on with it and give them all a wide berth.

Original poster
Lora918 · 13/06/2021 18:27

@HidingUnderARock

I am really confused. Are there several other women in the group, or just the woman married to cheat's cousin?

What do the other women think in that case? Do they know too?

The group has cheat, DH, 2 male friends and the women friend. Women friend is also married to cheats cousin who isn't in the group. And it seems she is the most ok with the situation and she has even been out with the other women for meals as a double date
OP posts:
bonfireheart · 13/06/2021 18:30

I think it is woman singular not women plural.

Peach01 · 13/06/2021 18:35

When so many people know and do nothing about it, it enables the cheating. It's not a big, dangerous secret where there are terrible consequences (even when there are) because they're normalising it. The fact he's been so brazen so have her out locally.
He has everyone protecting him and it's a disgrace. It's about time someone gave him a wake up call.

Jackofallsorts · 13/06/2021 18:36

Hold on a second...

OP sees a married male friend with another woman who's not his wife being intimately friendly, assumes (not unreasonably) that they are having an affair.

OP is shocked and upset and decides (against the council of her partner who's also a mutual friend) to tell the man's partner.

OP has a sleepless night considering her dilemma.

OP informs the partner and the partner reacts but not the way expected. She blocks OP. She seems to believe or at lease support her partner.

OP considers telling others in their social group what has transpired.

OP is upset, disappointed and taken aback at the tradition of the mans partner.

Am I missing something?

Peach01 · 13/06/2021 18:43

@Jackofallsorts

Hold on a second...

OP sees a married male friend with another woman who's not his wife being intimately friendly, assumes (not unreasonably) that they are having an affair.

OP is shocked and upset and decides (against the council of her partner who's also a mutual friend) to tell the man's partner.

OP has a sleepless night considering her dilemma.

OP informs the partner and the partner reacts but not the way expected. She blocks OP. She seems to believe or at lease support her partner.

OP considers telling others in their social group what has transpired.

OP is upset, disappointed and taken aback at the tradition of the mans partner.

Am I missing something?

Yes. OPs husband confirmed everyone else knows about the affair.
BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 19:06

Yes. OPs husband confirmed everyone else knows about the affair.

And OP's friend has been pouring her heart out to OP for 2 whole years about her marriage woes...

and as above every other man in the group is aware of the 'affair' 🙄

Peach01 · 13/06/2021 19:59

And OP's friend has been pouring her heart out to OP for 2 whole years about her marriage woes...
and as above every other man in the group is aware of the 'affair' 🙄

Cheat continued to show his charming side by sending this to the group.
'cant you make your wife behave'
That one sentence speaks volumes. He must feel like he exerts power over his group and that husbands should somehow be in control of their wives. Behave? That's rich coming from a man who is sh***g about in plain sight. He's audacious enough to go on dates in public with this girl but expects everyone to turn a blind eye. Anyone who knows about this affair and does nothing is complicit.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 20:16

@Peach01

I agree... that statement about making your Wife behave.. is really disgusting 🌸

grapewine · 13/06/2021 21:23

'cant you make your wife behave'

Not only is he a cheat, he's also a fucking moron. If that's what she wants, whatever, but you have done nothing wrong, OP. She shouldn't have moaned to you then.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2021 22:01

This reply has been deleted

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Peach01 · 13/06/2021 22:14

Yes! You're not a capable husband if you "can't" force your wife to "behave". What a p*k. That's the measure of him.

BlueDaises · 13/06/2021 23:52

Get a grip of yourself and try to calm down.

So RUDE

areforumsstillathing · 14/06/2021 02:03

@Bluntness100

And OP's friend has been pouring her heart out to OP for 2 whole years about her marriage woes..

Why do people do this. Write stuff even the op hasn’t written. She has said the wife said he wasn’t attentive and was always wats. That’s hardly pouring her heart out for two years about her marriage woes. Get a grip of yourself and try to calm down.

Well actually OP DID say her friend has been talking about problems in the marriage for the last 2 years so I'd say that's pretty accurate paraphrasing. If a friend had been talking to me about problems in their marriage and lack of attention from their husband for 2 years I'd definitely assume they'd want to know if I saw their husband out with another woman! OP did the right thing, not her fault the wife wants to now bury her head in the sand and if she wanted more privacy on the situation she shouldn't have aired her marriage problems to OP in the first place!
ILoveKiddies · 14/06/2021 02:22

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Lora918 · 14/06/2021 05:36

Yes, she has been talking about her marriage problems for around 2 years.

He isn't attentive. He doesn't listed to my problems. He isnt around. Always on his phone. I feel like a single mum because I am the one doing everything. Not interested in me and loads more.

OP posts:
faithfulbird20 · 14/06/2021 05:43

I'd question your friendship and loyalty generally if you didn't tell her.

Your DH sounds like he cares more about the guy than he does his wife.

Be a good human and tell her. Instead of her finding out later and her mental health suffering. I'd do it anonymously and send her a letter in the post or something.

PerciphonePuma · 14/06/2021 10:00

@Lora918 I don't understand what the group is for? Is it like a club or something? Who is in charge? Do they know?

Also, have you asked your friend why she's blocked you on Facebook? I'd be very angry about that, you've done nothing wrong!!! If you hadn't told her, you'd be vilified for that too when it all came out so what were you meant to do?

SunscreenCentral · 14/06/2021 10:52

OP I think you've been brave and you've done the right thing.

You've also sent a clear message to your own husband that you don't tolerate or agree with the "values" shared by his friendship group. They sound toxic to me.
Good luck

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 11:55

@Lora918

How are you feeling today? Distance yourself from all of them.. you are the better person, and everyone knows it but will be afraid to admit it.

🌸