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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not to give him the money?

248 replies

StraxDestroyerOfAll · 12/06/2021 11:45

Me and the ex split up about a month ago, his idea, we have 2 DC’s. It’s still pretty raw for me but he’s getting on with it. Saying I need to move on and get on with my life. Yea not so easy with 2 kids.

Anyway he had asked a while back to lend a big chunk of money for something important. I was saving the whole time so I could lend it him. He would need in the next couple of weeks.

Would I be unreasonable not to give it him? I wouldn’t think that he’d be able to lend it off anyone else and it’s probably petty of me. But would you still expect a loan from someone who you walked out on?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/06/2021 15:27

Use the money to move

SilverGoblin · 12/06/2021 15:28

Worried you might be being petty?

And if you were being petty, what's wrong with that?

You have every right to be petty, vindictive even.

Did mhe show any hint of caring what you and the kids think and feel before he fucked off.

Reading between the lines, he is a selfish user. One who probably waiting for the cash before he reveals "her".

Fuck him.

I hope I am not projecting here but I had this, slightly different though, mine kept the other woman a secret until I'd finished doing some free work for his fucking best mate because he didn't want to look bad to his mate if I refused to finish helping said mate.

Please, do not give him money.
It's no moral high ground, it's pure suckerhood.

justsaymaybe · 12/06/2021 15:29

Absolutely not.

Who cares if he thinks you're petty? His opinions aren't your problem anymore.

Whenwillitmakesense · 12/06/2021 15:31

Don’t let him say it’s a mistake and get back with you as a way of getting the money either...

Hope he pays maintenance for your children

Unsubscribed · 12/06/2021 15:37

Another vote for don't lend him the money. You agreed this before the split. Now you have split all bets are off.

ButtonMoonLoon · 12/06/2021 15:51

No no no

And when he asks I would react with shock and say that it would be inappropriate for any lending of money given you’re not together any more.
Then make sure your guard is well and truly up and ready for any fake suggestions at reconciliation

SunshineCake · 12/06/2021 16:08

@StraxDestroyerOfAll

No he hasn’t mentioned it. But I know he will need it. I’m almost positive that I would get it back.

And I’m not sure if he’d do it for me. I don’t think I could ask if I’m honest.

Yes, someone on here said they were sure their h wouldn't screw them ofer for money when he cheated and left and had another baby.

He did. He complains and does not do the right thing by his kids in anyway.

You and he are no longer a team, not friends, so why give money to someone you don't know. I doubt you know this man who suddenly changed so much he'd walk out in you and your kids and then have the brass neck to tell you to move on.

Fuck that. He sorts his own money problems out.

EveningOverRooftops · 12/06/2021 16:08

@StraxDestroyerOfAll

Thank you all of you. I honestly thought I’d be told the opposite.

I have good days when I think fuck him why should I to then the opposite where I think I’ve technically already agreed to lending it so should see it though. I know he’s gonna think I’m doing it to get back at him and ruining something for him just because I can. Which I suppose in part it might be.

Look at it like this.

The initial ‘contract’ was agreed on the basis you were a couple and living together and although the item is purely for him it would’ve potentially benefitted you both (depending in said item eg improve MH, physical health, hobby that could lead to higher earning etc) plus the loan was on the basis of 2 incomes covering basic household needs.

He left you changing those ‘terms’ leaving you to cover household and childcare bills on one income.

You need every penny you have to secure you’re future.

If he’s a higher earner he can take out a loan or credit card to pay for it OR just wait longer like the rest of us until he’s saved enough money.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2021 16:09

Picture it this way: you have an account with Santander. One day you throw a brick through their window and hurt someone. The following day you go in and ask for a loan. Do you think they'd give you one?

HollowTalk · 12/06/2021 16:10

I would use that money to go and live where you want to live. I wouldn't show him any loyalty by staying put.

Adelphia1977 · 12/06/2021 16:10

Is whatever he needs it for going to help support your DC in the future? Like a business venture etc.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/06/2021 16:13

I think just because it was already an agreement between us and I thought I’d be seen as petty to be honest.

It's not petty, not at all. You made the agreement when you were in a relationship with him - a relationship HE chose to end. He's getting on with his life, you're finding it hard to do so. Why should he also have the benefit of your money? Use it for yourself, as a foundation to start building the life you want.

FinallyHere · 12/06/2021 16:18

just thought I was being petty as this was all arranged ages ago and he’s obviously counting on it.

When it was being arranged, did he mention that he might be splitting up with you? If he had said that, would you have expected to still lend him the money?

I do hope you now have no intention of still lending him any money.

And still expecting child maintenance from him.

DrSbaitso · 12/06/2021 16:18

What do you think he'd do if the situation was reversed? And how much do you think he'd agonise over it?

socalledfriend · 12/06/2021 16:18

Don't you dare give him one penny of your money OP - MUMSNET FORBIDS YOU!!! Grin

Don't be surprised if he suddenly "realises he made a big mistake" and "was just stressed and feeling depressed" once he knows the cash isn't flowing in his direction.

Noshowlomo · 12/06/2021 16:19

Another firm NOPE here

azimuth299 · 12/06/2021 16:24

Don't do it! Circumstances have changed and you need that money! You agreed to this when you were in a family unit with two incomes, whereas now you are a single parent. He's a CF if he even asks.

PearlclutchersInc · 12/06/2021 16:32

Give him nothing, you'll need it yourself.

DaphneDuBois · 12/06/2021 16:34

Tell him you are in a less secure position now and can’t risk not having savings to hand. Don’t give him a penny.

Folklore9074 · 12/06/2021 16:45

Can't believe you are even considering this to be honest. Hard no.

ARealHoliday · 12/06/2021 16:47

Adding my chorus to the “fuck no” to lending him money for something which sounds like a car or a holiday.
He up and left you with no warning (affair) and good luck with moving and living where you want and being happy.

JinglingHellsBells · 12/06/2021 16:50

If he wants to borrow money, there are banks that give loans. (Though I assume he might have a bad credit score or why would he ask you.)

CallmeHendricks · 12/06/2021 16:53

Tell him that your plans have unexpectedly changed.

As indeed they have, thanks to him.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2021 16:55

But she doesn't have to say anything except 'Don't be ridiculous, why would I lend you anything?'

Nothingyet · 12/06/2021 16:57

You do know it won't be a loan? It'll be a gift. Only if you can afford it.