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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not to give him the money?

248 replies

StraxDestroyerOfAll · 12/06/2021 11:45

Me and the ex split up about a month ago, his idea, we have 2 DC’s. It’s still pretty raw for me but he’s getting on with it. Saying I need to move on and get on with my life. Yea not so easy with 2 kids.

Anyway he had asked a while back to lend a big chunk of money for something important. I was saving the whole time so I could lend it him. He would need in the next couple of weeks.

Would I be unreasonable not to give it him? I wouldn’t think that he’d be able to lend it off anyone else and it’s probably petty of me. But would you still expect a loan from someone who you walked out on?

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 12/06/2021 14:26

I've just looked online and Paragon bank have an account that needs 120 days notice before you can withdraw money. If I were you I'd put all my savings in that account or a similar one today. Then contact your ex and tell him you've invested your savings so they aren't available for him to borrow.

crosspelican · 12/06/2021 14:26

I thought I’d be seen as petty

There is no way on GOD'S EARTH he would lend you a penny if you had walked out on him, leaving him as a single parent with two young children FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

Please making working on your self-esteem the first thing you do as a single woman. When people treat you like shit, your first thought needs to stop being how you can please them.

Focus on your own financial security, and get in your application for support pronto. Don't believe a word he says about doing it privately, because that'll last about 2 months, especially if he wants to get back at you over not being able to get his precious Peloton or car or whatever it is.

diddl · 12/06/2021 14:30

"I think just because it was already an agreement between us and I thought I’d be seen as petty to be honest."

Who would think that you were petty-nobody worth your time is who!

ConsuelaHammock · 12/06/2021 14:31

Keep your money for yourself. Ask him would he let you borrow money if the roles were reversed? You are better off without him. I’m sorry you’re going thorough this but honestly , he’s not good enough for you!

ConsuelaHammock · 12/06/2021 14:32

And if he calls you petty just agree with him. Not much he can argue with if you agree with his take on things.

2bazookas · 12/06/2021 14:33

You'll need it yourself and for the children.

When he left you,. he also left your handbag, purse, chequebook and credit card.

Daisylg · 12/06/2021 14:35

It definitely gets easier love Flowers especially with all that money you have saved bursting in your pockets now GrinWink xx

agonyauntie2020 · 12/06/2021 14:36

Reverse? Course not, don't lend him anything. Move on in your head.

Allergictoironing · 12/06/2021 14:37

If he asks for the money, you could point out that he wouldn't be able to afford to repay you due to the maintenance he needs to pay for the children going forwards.

SingingInTheShithouse · 12/06/2021 14:37

WTAF. The cheeky fecker Shock

Of course you don't give him the money & just how much of a number has he done on your confidence, that you even need to ask Sad

frankenpoodle · 12/06/2021 14:37

Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry if he thought I was petty. I wouldn't care if anyone thought it was petty. Pettiness is highly subjective, and being petty isn't a crime. Sometimes people deserve to be treated "pettily".

However, it's not petty to refuse to fund someone's lifestyle choices (whatever this one is) after they split from you. You agreed to loan money to a partner, and he's no longer your partner, even if you still share children. You don't owe him a thing, and I'd act shocked if he dared to ask for the loan.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 12/06/2021 14:38

Don't do it. It takes special kind of lowlife loser to take money out of a house where a woman and 2 kids live. He should fucking well be putting money into your household, not taking it out

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/06/2021 14:40

WTF!!

It's not petty at all. If he asks for it it's a handy reminder that you're better off without him. Good luck, it does get better.

CarnationCat · 12/06/2021 14:40

No way. I wouldn't.

What if he meets someone else and they convince him not to pay it back? He moves somewhere else and you never see him again? You don't owe him anything and don't let him owe you anything.

You might have agreed this years ago but the circumstances have dramatically changed now.

blettedmedlar · 12/06/2021 14:47

Another no from me.

How much was he expecting you to lend him if you don't mind me asking? Are we talking hundreds? Thousands?

Either way he's a cheeky fucker if he even dares to ask.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 12/06/2021 14:49

@SonoPortafortuna

Moving on and getting on with your life means not lending money to ex partners.
Exactly this.
TillyTopper · 12/06/2021 14:50

Absolutely do not lend or give him a penny! Don't let him persuade you otherwise.

Bananahana · 12/06/2021 15:05

Big hell no from me.

IntoAir · 12/06/2021 15:12

But I know he will need it. I’m almost positive that I would get it back

@StraxDestroyerOfAll you're a grown up , it's up to you, but you'll be depriving your children, because is he likely to contribute towards their upbringing?

You know what they say, a fool and her money are easily parted.

Please don't lend him the money. You should be requiring a contribution towards HIS children. NOt you lending him your money.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2021 15:13

Oh HELL no!

All bargains/promises are OFF when a relationship ends. I mean, yes, anyone is entitled to end a relationship (including him) but that also means that any promises you have made to him are now null and void.

I wouldn't mention anything about it to him, he should be smart enough to figure out for himself that an ex he's unceremoniously dumped isn't about to do him any favours. If he's stupid or egotistical enough to ask you for the money, I'd just give him 'the look' and say "You can't be serious? Of course I'm not lending you any money, don't be ridiculous" and refuse to discuss it any further.

IntoAir · 12/06/2021 15:15

Thank you. It feels like it's been a long time that anyone has asked what I want.

Awwwww @StraxDestroyerOfAll That's really sad to read.

What do you want? It's quite a scary thing to think about, isn't it?

DoubleTweenQueen · 12/06/2021 15:22

@StraxDestroyerOfAll Keep your money for yourself and the new chapter in your life.
He's ended your relationship, so that's it, All favours are off & time for a fresh new start.
Make a plan!

Twatterati · 12/06/2021 15:24

Fuck no!! Don't lend him the money, he could have saved his own.

But, 'spend' it quickly if you're married, before your financial settlement if you divorce, otherwise it'll count as a marital asset and go in the pot.

By 'spend' it I mean just give it to someone you trust.

No matter how much he guilts you - which I'm sure he will - do not lend him YOUR hard saved money. It will be such a help to you and your children in moving forward.

What an arsehole and what a nerve to still want to borrow it - you'd never see it again.

I really hope things go ok for you OP - it will get much easier, until one day you wonder what on earth you ever saw in him. You WILL get through this, the pain WILL ease and stop and your children WILL be alright.

BumbleFlump · 12/06/2021 15:24

Do NOT under any circumstances give him any money, you won’t get a penny of it back.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 12/06/2021 15:26

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Dont give it to him. Use it to move on with your life - thats what he said you should do!
Absolutely this!!
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