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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not to give him the money?

248 replies

StraxDestroyerOfAll · 12/06/2021 11:45

Me and the ex split up about a month ago, his idea, we have 2 DC’s. It’s still pretty raw for me but he’s getting on with it. Saying I need to move on and get on with my life. Yea not so easy with 2 kids.

Anyway he had asked a while back to lend a big chunk of money for something important. I was saving the whole time so I could lend it him. He would need in the next couple of weeks.

Would I be unreasonable not to give it him? I wouldn’t think that he’d be able to lend it off anyone else and it’s probably petty of me. But would you still expect a loan from someone who you walked out on?

OP posts:
Patapouf · 12/06/2021 12:42

Mwahaha don't give him a penny!!

QioiioiioQ · 12/06/2021 12:44

Please stop being a doormat, you do not owe him any favours, he is trying to control you and make you feel as if you are obligated to help him whenever he needs it.
Please have stronger boundaries, do not allow him to exploit you like this.

Original poster
StraxDestroyerOfAll · 12/06/2021 12:45

@NeverDropYourMoonCup I've definitely suspected there's someone else. And the reason for him not saying is probably down to the money.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 12/06/2021 12:45

Are you serious!?

I bet there's no sign of maintenance from this scav either...

He obviously looks out for number one and I suggest you do the same. Use it for you and your babies.

Notaroadrunner · 12/06/2021 12:45

@NoSquirrels

If it is as a business need and affected his ability to provide for the DC, maybe.

Otherwise, fuck that shot, of course not! You need your money to support yourself, he’s got no reason to expect it if you any more than he would a stranger on the street.

Regardless of whether it's a business need or not, she should not hand over one penny to him.

@StraxDestroyerOfAlldon't even consider it and if the prick dares ask for it do not under any circumstances be guilted into giving him as much as a fiver. It's not as if you had a legal contract in place and even if you did he has certainly changed the terms by fucking off and leaving you with 2 kids. If anything he needs to start giving you money straight away for the kids. You don't owe him anything so tell him you can no longer afford to fund his item as he's left you and the kids high and dry. He'd be some fucking asshole to even expect you to lend it to him now anyway. And if things get nasty down the line do you really expect he'll give it back? Not a chance.

AmberIsACertainty · 12/06/2021 12:46

It was CF to ask for a huge loan when you was in a relationship. It would be even more CF to ask how you're not. He's insane if he thinks you're still going to lend it and you're insane if you think he'd ever pay it back.

Even if it was so he could provide for the kids, how does that work then? Borrowing money off you so he could provide for his kids using that same money...might as well accept he can't provide for them, keep your money and buy them what they need yourself.

If a business went bust because of you not lending money, the business would be in dire straits anyway to be unable to get bank credit and likely to go bust even if you did loan the money. Besides which, any business he owned wouldn't be your problem because you've split up. How he earns his living is entirely his problem to sort out.

So yeh don't matter what he needed it for I'd still say No.

callmemaybee · 12/06/2021 12:46

Just tell him you need the money to raise the kids alone and maintain the household expenses alone, circumstances have changed now and you don’t have any money to lend bc you need to focus on your/your kids future

HollowTalk · 12/06/2021 12:46

I'd just laugh and say, "Don't be stupid" if he asked for it.

I'd get quite a lot of pleasure in knowing he needed that money and that I had it but had no intention of handing it over.

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/06/2021 12:47

Or keep it as savings for an emergency
And get your child maintenance application in sharpish

Sound advice from terriers

Outbutnotoutout · 12/06/2021 12:48

He dumped you without an explanation, definitely do not give him the money, he will use him paying it back to lord over you.

Justilou1 · 12/06/2021 12:48

Tell him you’re “Getting on with it…” and he can “Move on with his life” without your money.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/06/2021 12:48

Again, absolutely not. If he asks, suggest he tries Barclays.

Notaroadrunner · 12/06/2021 12:49

Also if you do say no and he tries to suddenly get back together with you, know that he only wants that for the money. He'll no doubt run off again if you are foolish enough to give it to him.

ChocolateCakeYum · 12/06/2021 12:49

Do not give him a penny! You might have said ok in the past but that was when you were on better terms. You are not obliged to give him anything, there is nothing legally to say you have to give him a penny so don’t. Use the to take your kids on holiday or something instead. I guarantee he will not pay a penny back if you do hand it over.

Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 12:50

I hope whatever it is he’s buying isn’t something he’ll be using with his next/new girlfriend!

Justilou1 · 12/06/2021 12:50

Oh, and whatever you do - don’t even begin to offer him explanations about what you intend to do with it. It’s none of his business. You owe him nothing.

QioiioiioQ · 12/06/2021 12:51

He's trying to get money out of you to prevent you from having any ideas about getting money out of him! It doesn't matter what he expects, you are an independent person and you do not take orders from him.
If he asks phen you politelyd decline,'I'm sorry I'm not able to do that' and then close the subject. Do not give a reason, it's none of his business and you don't answer to him.

Cupcakey · 12/06/2021 12:51

NO you may now need that money for YOUR future without him! He's left, his choice! He should sort himself out.
He sounds like a knob. I'm sorry 😞

QioiioiioQ · 12/06/2021 12:53

He still thinks that he is entitled to your money = he still thinks he can own and control you.
I suggest you send a very clear message that he has no power over you whatsoever

ThursdayWeld · 12/06/2021 12:53

No way should you lend him the money! You need to stand on your own two feet now, and so does he. What a CF!

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 12/06/2021 12:55

[quote StraxDestroyerOfAll]@NeverDropYourMoonCup I've definitely suspected there's someone else. And the reason for him not saying is probably down to the money.[/quote]
Whilst I'm naturally nosey/curious as to what he wanted the money for and would love to know how much, what is so important to him that he lied to you to try and get it and is probably still lying to try and get his grabby little mitts on it, I've got a question for you that's more important -

What would you like to do with your savings? It's almost like having a little windfall of your own, as you've now got £x you weren't expecting to have - and no need to prioritise anybody else, just you or you and your children.

So, let's hear your ideas for how to put yourself first - all part of moving on, as it's accepting that there isn't a man there waiting to separate you from your hard saved money, after all.

What do you want?

Bumzoo · 12/06/2021 12:57

What?? Definitely not.

He's probably met someone else. You'd be a fool to give him a penny.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 12/06/2021 12:58

I think he would be an absolute CF to still expect you to loan him money.

I would message him immediately saying that you feel that is no longer appropriate to be sharing money now that you are not together. End of story.

He will then have two weeks to make other arrangements. If you wait for him to mention it he he will likely try to reason, argue, plead or make you feel guilty. Get in there first and stand firm.

NormanStangerson · 12/06/2021 12:58

He sounds a cunt. Sorry to be so blunt.
Save your money for you and the two children he abandoned. Don’t feel you should give it to him to please him and in case it makes him come back to you. He’s probably already got someone else anyway, hence the sudden departure.

Let him go, keep your money. I’d hazard a guess that child maintenance will not be forthcoming.

nomorehiccups · 12/06/2021 12:58

If he doesn’t need you, then he doesn’t need your money. He would be a CF to ask now.

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