Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

I liked having my dc young and being a relatively youthful dgm. We still managed to go away from time to time and had supportive dps ourselves.

Some women don't necessarily want "freedom". It's all relative I still had me time and I feel I am very fortunate.

YANBU to think this, and I would think the same, but obviously it’s her life and her decision.

Many people do marry their first teenage boyfriend/ girlfriend and it works out for them. I know several couples like this. Knowing that you are each other’s ‘one and only’ must create a special bond.

But it’s definitely not for everyone and I know that it most certainly would never have worked for me. I would feel I had missed out on a normal stage of life which I could never get back; being young, free & single which would inevitably have led to me being unfaithful at some point.

I married my first husband at 20 and it was a huge mistake. I was divorced at 25 and I felt so envious of all the other 20 somethings who didn’t have the same responsibilities that I did.

I married at 24. Would have done it earlier but we needed to save up.

Still happily married, with kids, and don’t feel I’ve missed out on the singleton life. I’ve watched others have it and can honestly say I’d have disliked it intensely.

It’s very subjective there’s no right or wrong. For me the years 19 -28 of having different relationships being properly alone and finding my own way in the world were very very precious. It’s not about tick boxing places visited or sports done it’s more subtle than that.

userchange7643

obviously you disagree with me, but you insist on taking comments personally. No need to call me ignorant or intolerant because I choose to have a different experience.

Just don't bullshit about the difference between life with and without kids when I have experienced both and you are telling us you have not. How would you know...

I am allowed to reply to the OP that yes, I think her daughter IS missing out but there's not much she can do.

I don't care one way or another though, as long as it's not MY child, it has 0 effect on me.

Has she been to uni? If so I’d be more relaxed about marriage young. We met at 18 starting living together at 21, bought first home at 24, married at 27 and first baby at 30 and second at 32. Still happily married at 43 and about to move to our 3rd home. We were more into going to IKEA than in going clubbing.

I had DS at 21 and married his dad at 22. I wouldn't change anything. I'm a widow now at 42 and had a lovely life in my 20s and 30s.

I'd feel the same OP. I know lots of people have responded otherwise but I was a very different person at 34 when I got married than in my early 20s. I had a good career and was financially independent. I felt that through each relationship I had from my teens through my 20s I learned what I wanted and was happy with in a relationship. We are all different so in the end you have no choice but to support her and encourage her to maintain her friendships and independence and to continue to grow.

I married at 23, still happily married at 45. We inter-railed, staying in hostels and cheap hotels at 25, did a round-the-world tour at 27, went to festivals and got drunk in the mud. We just happened to be legally married, rather than living together or seeing each other.
DS arrived when we were 29, so we’d had a lot of time together before then

I got married at 22, had children at 22 and 23. We are a very happy family and love being together. However I don't think yabu - you're being a caring mum. I had a very traumatic time in my teens and I found the stability I craved. It does mean that I'm starting university at 31 though, and missed out on my friends more typical experiences- I don't blame you for worrying

Settling down young would never have been for me. I was mostly single in my twenties and lived in a few countries to pursue my career and dreams. It wasn't easy at all but definitely formative - so many diverse experiences. Most importantly it was what I chose. Also I didn't meet anyone special so it's not like I turned down the option of marriage young.

Your dd is choosing this so I don't think there's anything you can say to change her mind. Hope she can still pursue her dreams whatever they are.

When I was early 20's I wasted a lot of time looking for Mr right, she's already found hers! When you know, you know! I think it's lovely....

Well shes found someone shes happy with, why would she want to date other people, have fun and live with friends when shes happy as is? I'm fairly sure you can still live a little as a couple, not sure how marriage changes that?

20 years ago, most people round here were getting married at 21,22. It used to be normal to get married in your early 20's. Those same women have managed to have a social life throughout, have made new friends through having DC, and when they hit their 40's their DC are leaving school/home, and they are still young enough to enjoy life.

Let her just live her life!!. I met my husband just as I turned 17, we quickly lived together and got a dog even started trying for a family quickly. 14 years later we're still very happy and our 20s were a blast together!, don't interfere you'll only push her away.

We were married in our early 20s, kids when we were early 30s, now late 60s. It is great with our shared memories, we had nothing when we were first married, bought a flat on a virtually 100% mortgage and secondhand furniture, ran a business together from when both kids were at school. Everything we have now we have worked together for. Wouldn't change it for the world. Now both retired and hoping we have a few healthy years when we can travel and enjoy ourselves.

Leave her to it, please don't look at it in a negative way just cause it is different to your own experience.
I married and had kids in my early 20s, it didn't ruin anything for me at all and I am glad I did it young. My mum asked me on my wedding day if I still wanted to go through with it and that really upset me, it just felt like she wasn't being supportive.
I would much rather travel the world and do what I want when I am older and my kids can come and enjoy it too.

I got married 13 years ago when I was 22. No regrets we are as happy as we were then. I got engaged when we were 18. We have a daughter and have been through a lot together!

There are so many sides to this issue. The bottom line is that everyone is different, and she is an adult. She will make her choices, and either love them or change them later. Let's hope she loves them.

I will say, however, that the female brain becomes totally mature at about 25 years of age, the male brain lags about 5 years behind that. Until that age you really don't know who you are, nor do you fully comprehend consequences. That has nothing to do with life experience, and everything to do with organ maturity. HOWEVER...there is no saying that she hasn't actually made the choice now that she would have then.

Let her live her own life, she’s not you

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

She’s not you

Exactly.

I married at 22 (still married) and had an amazing time in my 20s.

I don't see why she can't have fun and enjoy herself while married. The only thing he can't do is date, which is not as much fun as it's made out to be anyway.

Your daughters situation is exactly mine.

Hubby and I have been together since we were 15, engaged at 22 and married at 25. We have 3 kids now at 34, all boys 5, 2 and 5 weeks old.

We are incredibly happy and have had many amazing holidays and nights out. We didn't miss out on any of the fun nights out but equally we aren't huge party people, not everyone is. I can't think of anything worse than house sharing with friends or people I don't know.

If your daughter is happy then be happy for her. Not everyone is the same.

I met my nowbhusband at 17, engaged at 21 and married at 23. We're now in our 30's, happy and I would have it any other way