Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

The OP is letting her daughter live her own life. She hasn't voiced any concerns to her. Are you unable to read?

Met spouse in Lower Sixth, went through uni together, married at 21, two children in our late twenties/early thirties, still together in our seventies. Absolutely fine. Why worry?

I literally hated living with my peers while at university. Was with my boyfriend from age 19, we moved in together at 22, engaged at 23, married at 25. 10 years down the line we’re still married and have a child together. I cannot envisage any scenario where I would have traded any of this for a few years of living with friends. House sharing is really not that great!! Are you sure you haven’t just forgotten the bad bits??

I met my late husband when he was 17 and i was 14. He was in the gang that my big sis went around with. He behaved perfectly, befriended my dad and was welcome in the house and waited until I was 17 to ask me out. I know it sounds groomy-ish but right from the first time we met we knew that we wanted to be together. We married when I was 21 and we had both finished college. We had 46 amazing years together then he died of cancer. I miss him every day. Life is what it is and differs for us all.

OP your DD sounds happy and settled and that is all you can ask for as a parent. Everyone will live their own journey and her journey is currently making her happy. Me and DH have been together for 20 years since 17 & 18 with 4DC. We’ve had our own adventures, lived in 3 countries. 3 of the DC now teenagers! By 45 they’ll all be adults and we can relive what we missed out on 😉

PS, we were wild children together!

This must be very difficult for you. I would have felt the same about my daughter, I’m sure, but then again you want them to find happiness. I can’t reassure you unfortunately, because I feel I missed out and wished I’d ‘lived’ more before settling down. I married at 21 and had both my children within 5 years.

Judging by the hideous dating thread, I’d say she isn’t missing out on anything.

Met my husband at 14, started dating at 17, married him at 22, just about to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and both kids have left home before we are 50. Lots of time for us to have fun now, and we also had fun all the way through.... Nothing dreary about it. We have had a blast and are still in love.

I've been with my dp since I was 16 and in no way do I feel like I've missed out, wedding is booked, own our house and have 2 dc before we've turned 30. I couldn't imagine my life any other way but either way you never know what's around the corner.

My sister met her now husband at a very young age and had kids really young but she seems very happy. She’s really not the going out kind, and on her hen do was the first time she’d really been out to a club type place!!

I think it genuinely depends on the person, and being married doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your youth anyway. She could still go on holidays, weekends away etc with her girl friends. DP and I still had excellent social lives when we first met at 23, still did the boys/girls weekends etc, days out and all that. Only slowed down when we had kids which was about 5 years later.

The only thing I will say is that meeting young can lead to growing apart as you both mature, I do have friends it happened to, however I know lots of people it didn’t happen to also.

My partner and I have known each other since 18 but didn’t get together until late 20s and are happy because we had experienced a lot before we got each other. But his brother met his wife when they were teens and have had a lovely happy long marriage. I think there are pros and cons and just roll with it xxx

I was forced into getting married when I was 22 to someone my parents didn’t like. They didn’t approve of living together so we got married. It was a mistake and we divorced a few years later. I remarried when I was 30 and had my kids late. My twenties were abysmal and I dated lots of unsuitable men. I struggled with fertility in my mid to late thirties. If your daughter is happy and with a good man then that’s brilliant. She could become a homebody without being married to him. They obviously want the same things and are content together.

I met dh at 16, married at 19 and have been married 19 years now. Have never felt I've missed out

I got married at 21. I'd never planned to. I thought I'd have a long engagement to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years from Uni but ended up getting engaged to someone else and marrying them within a year. You can never know what's going to work and what doesn't. I had a great twenties partying hard and travelling the world with my husband. We didn't really do the settling down part with kids until our late twenties. Marriage isn't a shackle these days, just a love declaration. If you feel you've found the person you want to be with, why wait ten years to marry them? I've now been married 22 years and don't feel I missed out on anything. Instead I feel I got to share the best times with the person I care most about.

Been with my DH since I was 14, I’m now 51 and we will celebrate 30yr Wedding anniversary next Nov. We have had a bloody fantastic life so far. We have lived all over the world, have three amazing children and still sleep holding hands. I’m sure plenty of people thought we were too young but we proved them all wrong!

I met my husband at 19 had 2 children by 23.I am now 35 so happily married live in a beautiful house we have traveled to more places I could of ever of dreamed of with our children. I don’t feel I missed out on anything in fact I consider my self so lucky to have got a head start at life with the man I love!

I met my husband at school, we both got jobs when we left school at 18, he did a day release from his job to gain professional qualifications, we bought our house and got married at 19, we have a wonderful daughter, a large home here and one in Florida, both homes with no mortgage now. We know we’re lucky that we met our soulmates and have lives that we never dreamed we would have. Our friends all went to Uni and ended up with student debts that they struggled to pay off. Still have mortgages, no savings etc. Be happy for her op, if she’s happy and in a loving, safe relationship it’s the right choice for her and hopefully the beginning of a happy, wonderful life. Love & happiness to you all!

I didn't settle down until late 30s. Sometimes I wish I'd done it young. Had babies in early 20s, got on property ladder

I'd probably be mortgage free and child free and enjoy my 40s/50s

I'd say much better to be married and possibly have children young, whilst full of energy and already on the housing ladder, than to feel obliged to spend ten years partying and then have huge pressure to settle for any old man just to breed/stop being the only single one left in your circle/suffer infertility....

My sister married young. It gave her a support structure to thrive.

It is her life, I would however advise her never to be financially dependent on anyone, then if it works great, if not she will not be stuck. Every day I read posts on here that justify the point. A lot of women are saying they cannot leave a jerk because of money, or will need to rely on benefits. I think we should teach our daughters not to make themselves vulnerable

Totally get you, same here, but if that's what makes her happy then it's just different. I was travelling, living abroad, partying it up until my 30s and only then did I sort of feel like settling down. Not everyone appreciates this adventure, many like security and just a quieter life. X

No.
Met my husband at 16, early thirties now. Three kids. I love the bloody bones off him, we are the best team ever!!!

My mother had exactly the same concerns as you though but we laugh about it now. Hopefully the same will happen with your DD.

Either way it’s her life.

I got married when I was 20, had my first child at 21 and second at 24. We’re 32 and 33 now with an 11 and 7 year old.
Desperate for more children but it is not an easy road for us due to disabilities/genetics that have come to light in our children and now the age gap is getting bigger all the time.
We will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary later in the year.
Never regretted any of it for a second. I adore my family and our life together.

Everyone has different priorities, goals and ambitions in life. You can’t help when you meet your future spouse.