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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

348 replies

ScottishBlanket · 11/06/2021 23:25

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

OP posts:
MakkaPakkas · 12/06/2021 11:05

I've been with my husband since I was 21 we got married, went traveling, did a lot of clubbing in our 20s, had kids in our early 30s, lived in a few different countries and are still together and happy in our mid 40s. There's more compromise in life as part of a couple but it doesn't mean you can't do the things you want. Plus there's the bonus of not having to date. Better she finds someone now, than she's single desperately wanting a baby in her late 30s early 40s.

Serpenta · 12/06/2021 11:07

Plus there's the bonus of not having to date.

Fascinating how some people view dating as something as pleasant as root canal treatment. I loved dating!

userchange7643 · 12/06/2021 11:09

@Soupforoneplease Few people think 'oh I wish I'd never done all that travelling and clubbing I wish I'd had more time infront of Netflix and worrying about what we do if the boiler breaks!'

You're assuming people who are married are suddenly not living any more and watching Netflix?! My husband and I have travelled a lot together, we didn't buy until our 30s, we lived a very transient life in our 20s. You have a very small view of what marriage is and don't seem very capable of understanding that no marriage or person is the same. I have friends who haven't married or gotten into long term relationships yet and they've done "less" than me, haven't travelled, haven't really progressed a career, but are very happy, living the life they've chosen, being single doesn't mean going off doing things every day, just as marriage doesnt suddenly mean your life is boiler repairs and Netflix.

Merciess · 12/06/2021 11:13

[quote Soupforoneplease]@Ozanj completely agree. You don't know what you haven't had and some won't allow themselves to consider what could have been. I can't see what ten extra years of being comfortable in a relationship can bring you in terms of personal growth. Few people think 'oh I wish I'd never done all that travelling and clubbing I wish I'd had more time infront of Netflix and worrying about what we do if the boiler breaks!'[/quote]
What even?

My partner and I are happily settled together in our 20s with no kids. We certainly don't spend our time sitting in - we travel, shop, play sports, go out, enjoy hobbies. In fact, we're off out tonight with friends.

You have a very narrow view of marriage.

Chalkmirror · 12/06/2021 11:13

Gosh I am 24 and cannot think of anything worse than marrying/picking my life partner now as I feel I have so much growing and changing to do! Like @Serpenta I love dating and think there’s something to be said for having the chance to ‘sample’ a few different flavours to find out what’s truly best for you, as it were. I had a serious relationship from 16-19, he dumped me in the end but I look back now and cringe at the thought that we could’ve stayed together.

Having said that I do have friends that have been with their partners since as early as 14 (!!) and they seem happy enough.

So whilst I do agree with your OP, people are different and a disaster for you may be perfect for herSmile

CookPassBabtridge · 12/06/2021 11:13

If they breakup she can do the whole dating thing in her 30s and 40s.

Serpenta · 12/06/2021 11:14

'Or,... now here's a mad idea,... encourage her to do whatever makes her happy.
She is an adult.'

@Childrenofthestones, what a weird reaction from you. If the OP's daughter had a full life social life beforehand and OP is now slightly concerned her world is becoming smaller what's the harm in suggesting (not ordering!) she prioritise friendships as well as her romantic relationship? I've seen so many threads on MN from women sad that they have no friends in their life, often because they've let them slide once a relationship becomes more serious.

LuaDipa · 12/06/2021 11:25

I married in my early twenties and I have never regretted it for a second. My dh and I have had a wonderful life and I very much hope that we have many more years to spend together.

Getting married doesn’t mean you stop having fun. I have still had lovely holidays with friends and we have travelled extensively together, both with and without our dc. I haven’t missed out on anything and I think my life has been immeasurably improved by marrying my dh.

imumme · 12/06/2021 11:26

Another one who met my dh at uni, moved in and bought a house as soon as we left. Married with children by 30.

The benefits of doing it young is that you get your life back and can enjoy it earlier!

I still very much enjoyed my twenties. Lots of holidays, doing up the house etc,

But now, I'm really enjoying my 40s. By 50, both my children will be off at uni. I'm really enjoying life now. My work colleague has young children in her 40s, compared to my teens, I couldn't imagine anything worse than trying to do it now. So what she might miss out on in her 20s, she'll gain in her 40s/50s.

I'm loving having the freedom, money and time to enjoy my life now, and spend life doing what I want, and before the GC come along.

Twobigsapphires · 12/06/2021 11:33

I’d partied hard, been to uni, travelled etc before marrying my exdh at 22 and had first baby at 24 and mortgage etc. We were happy and had another 2 children before I was 30. We still had friends, holidays, run our own business together and had a full life.

Sadly exdh and I were not compatible in the end and changed and grew apart. But we had good times and I was happy for most of the time we were together. I’m now mid 40s and married again to my soul mate. My children are all in their teens and I have the independence to work and have fun. Second time around. Due to being on the housing ladder young I also have my mortgage paid off.

Settling down young and having kids doesn’t mean you miss out. Just as many people who party their way through their 20s and 30s and settle down later or not at all feel they have missed out. If your daughter is happy then she is not missing out on anything OP.

Nohugstoday25 · 12/06/2021 11:40

I was divorced had my own house and 2 kids by aged 21. I worked full time and raised them. I don’t ever regret not doing clubbing etc it just wasn’t me as a person.

Ozanj · 12/06/2021 11:45

** What even?

My partner and I are happily settled together in our 20s with no kids. We certainly don't spend our time sitting in - we travel, shop, play sports, go out, enjoy hobbies. In fact, we're off out tonight with friends.

You have a very narrow view of marriage.**

@Soupforoneplease probably didn’t mean holidays. She meant travelling. The kind you can only do in your 20s. For example from 20-23 I just roamed around Asia working at various kindergartens, making friends with complete strangers, and just wondering. I learned 3 languages and made deep connections with some incredible people that all benefited me as I got older. I then spent 24-26 working in KolKata with street kids. Older foreign people just can’t travel in this way because, to be blunt, they aren’t considered as trustworthy or as hardworking and aren’t given chances in the way youngsters are. I did mine on a fairly low budget but it’s common for wealthy / intelligent people to do this via working as interns at investment banks or with tech companies.

userchange7643 · 12/06/2021 11:50

@Ozanj you do realise that the majority of adults don't actually do that, and if that is something they aspire to do they will, in or out of a relationship. Of the 3 friends I can think of who extensively travelled in their 20s, 2 did with their partners who they eventually married.

Justgettingbye · 12/06/2021 11:57

I had no desire to go travelling. I didn't go to uni either. I left school and got into work did an apprenticeship and earned. After work and at the weekend I'd do the dating, drinking and meeting up with friends which had a shelf life. I met the person I'm with now at 20, house at 21, now 26 and have 2 children.
May seem boring to some but I wouldn't change anything. If we have a 3rd hopefully it would be before 30 as we've both agreed we don't want to be having kids longer than this. Then that's the small child bit done Smile

sunnypeaches · 12/06/2021 12:00

I met DH when i was 17, got married when i was 21. We were both extroverted and always partying, sometimes together and sometimes with friends. Being married doesnt automatically mean you only stay home. Its normal that shes not going out much at the moment, doesnt mean its gonna stay this way.
DH and i didnt have kids until i was 28. We travelled all over the world because of DHs job and just settled down when our second child arrived. We are mid 30s now and still very happy.
Meeting your partner at a young age was a blessing for me. I cant imagine anything worse than dating. My single friends never run out of horror stories. Ive dated a few guys before DH, but obviously nothing serious with moving in together etc. Still, i never thought i missed out on anything.

oblada · 12/06/2021 12:10

There are loads of ways to be happy/enjoy life.
I met my now husband when I was 18. Got married when I was 24 and had my first child when I was 26. We're late thirties now with 4 children and very happy with our life. We travel abroad as a family and experience loads together. I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing. I was never one for partying anyway and everything else I can pretty much do it with my husband and/or kids!

My parents met when they were 17 and 20 respectively and married 3 years later. Only had kids in their early 30s.

They're still very happy and travelling everywhere now (my mum doesn't work anymore, my dad can work remotely) in their early 70s.

Dorisdaydream2 · 12/06/2021 12:28

I settled down young, but my husband and I still did a lot of things separately. I had a lot of fun with my friends in my twenties, holidays with friends, lots of nights out. My husband was the same. This didn’t change until we had our first child. I don’t feel that I missed out.

pregnantncnc · 12/06/2021 12:37

I've been with DH on/off since we teens (lots of on/off during school, broke up for a year when we went to uni at 18, then properly together since 19 until now mid/late 20s). I didn't want to find my husband as a teenager, I thought it was bloody ridiculous and I fought against it HARD. I had plans and wanted to travel the world on my own. But I didn't want to leave DH to do that, however much I tried to convince myself I did. He is just the right person for me and I don't want to be without him.

Sometimes I look at my life now (married with a child) and it feels so far removed from what I imagined my life would be like at this age, but all I have to do is remind myself that I had the chance to do things differently and this is always what felt right. To my mum, the way I'm spending my 20s is hellish and she tries to hide what she thinks but does a terrible job Grin

fashionablefennel · 12/06/2021 12:50

Dating in your 20s is so much fun, when you are too young to settle, too young to settle and just enjoy having a blast. No expectation, no commitment.

I am sure it gets much harder when you are more "adults".

I think settling too young is a waste of your youth, you can never be as carefree as you are then, but you can't force people to live your own life

If she is happy, it's all that matters.

lap90 · 12/06/2021 13:03

Only time will tell I guess... for some they don't feel like they missed out on anything at all and got their 'happily ever after'... others may feel that they married too young and may get to an age where they then feel they are 'different people' or 'missed out'.

2bazookas · 12/06/2021 13:05

Married people can travel the world, live and work abroad, learn new skills, meet lots of people, party and have fun.

We did, and have.

userchange7643 · 12/06/2021 13:32

Only time will tell I guess... for some they don't feel like they missed out on anything at all and got their 'happily ever after'... others may feel that they married too young and may get to an age where they then feel they are 'different people' or 'missed out'.

All the more reason to make sure you don't lose yourself in a marriage, however old you are, don't hold yourself back and make sure you live the life you want to live. So that if the marriage does end, you don't have regrets about what you've given up. Even if DH and I did one day divorce I hope I'd never regret it because I've lived life how I've wanted, I've achieved a lot, and can genuinely say was happy throughout my 20s, if the marriage ends in the future nothing can change that.

BiBabbles · 12/06/2021 13:47

There are risks, but there also risks from putting off settling down or losing yourself to marriage at any age. There are always going to be pros and cons, so not unreasonable to have a few concerns and 'what ifs', but there aren't any of the red flags that jump out to me when it comes to early marriage. I think, as others said, supporting wider relationships and activities is a great way to help reduce some of the risks of getting stuck and missing out.

I married at 18. My brother married at slightly older. For both us, we had chaotic, very unnormal teen years and married someone we had known and had been dating from about 16, though I had dated multiple people up to about 6 months before I got married.

For him it was a terrible choice because it locked him into the youth party lifestyle when he wanted to move out of it with someone who was terrible (like the gives spiked drinks to underage kids for her own amusement terrible) even if she accepted him after his expulsion/arrest when made others had turned their back on him. He needed to work through that his teenage foolishness wasn't going to make everyone see him only by those mistakes, serious as they were.

For me, it's still one of the best choices I made and I've done so many things I wouldn't have had the chance to do otherwise. We'd discussed our future so much and went into marriage having worked out most of the bumps in our communication needs to work towards things together. It comes down I think in part to choosing a partner well and the mindset of going into marriage expecting it to be the start/part of growing with each other rather than expecting it to be static from there.

Everyone misses out on some things, no one gets to do everything and they all have their benefits, risks, and responsibilities. Some miss out by jumping into something too soon whether it's marriage, a career, children, and others by putting things that matter to them off and still others by having forced outside of their control change everything or getting too absorbed into one area of life to the exclusion of others.

I think I would have missed out more if I'd said no to marriage. I certainly wouldn't be where I am now.

I can't see what ten extra years of being comfortable in a relationship can bring you in terms of personal growth. Few people think 'oh I wish I'd never done all that travelling and clubbing I wish I'd had more time infront of Netflix and worrying about what we do if the boiler breaks!'

I had the living on my own, doing whatever whenever, Greyhounding around the US at a moment's notice and kipping on strangers couches and beds for most of my teenage years due to my parents being as they are. I wouldn't say I regret it, but I think I'd be just as happy and as I am without it. None of them were that great and I most certainly would not say I got any 'personal growth' from going to DC Pride on a day's notice (I found it less fun than the ones I was involved in organizing at home) or from spending a long weekend in New Orleans or spending a week doing the under-21 clubbing scene in Myrtle Beach even getting to experience a double tornado event (watching people film tornados on hotel roofs was interesting though not a growth experience) or any of the other travel and clubbing bits I did. They had their fun, but I grew a lot more at the same ages from caring for my dying grandmother and our wider family through her last days, taking up new sports and classes that were well outside my comfort zone, and actually from being online and cultivate online relationships that gave me the chance to leave. Those made me more who I am than the Florida spring break that I probably should not have done - that one I do have some regrets about.

I grew more post-marriage (but then Netflix didn't exist when I got married and I don't use it much now). My marriage gave me new stability, options, and really just the feeling that I could do anything with that support. It's not always been comfortable, immigrating was difficult, having children is challenging, and I did have a wobble around my early thirities, in part from having fallen in with people who perpetuated the idea that marriage, especially to a man, was the main source of women's misery. Maybe that's true for some or at a population level, but at the time my misery was coming from undealt with childhood/teen issues, dealing with multiple family members facing terminal illnesses, my own health changing my plans, and unsupportive systems making everything more stressful. My marriage was an easy target as it was one of the very few things in my life at the time I had some control in.

My marriage helped me get through that once I saw that, my spouse helped me see wider possibilities and to accept that losing what I thought was my dream career, and for a time the ability to walk unaided out of the house or even get out of bed, and all these people I still miss dreadfully didn't mean I'd lost the ability to accomplish anything worthwhile or interesting. Life can throw many things out way, at any age, and whether or not marriage makes us miss out involves more than just the being married part.

LateAtTate · 12/06/2021 13:58

In the end OP it really depends on your daughter’s personality - which only you know best.

Chipsahoy · 12/06/2021 14:00

I haven’t missed anything at all. Married at 21. Have three kids. Been married 15 years.