Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

You can’t say categorically that you haven’t missed out as you don’t know what you may have missed out on!

OP my dd was very similar, I had those thoughts

She is still married and very happy

@MsTSwift

You can’t say categorically that you haven’t missed out as you don’t know what you may have missed out on!

Which would be what, though?

That thought depresses me to be honest, marrying so young the first guy i met. Don't blame you, wouldn't be my wish for my daughter either. But if she's happy and he treats her well that's all you can wish for really. We are all different, and although her life choice might depress me, I'm sure she would look at my life choice and find it equally depressing. I wouldn't worry unless she starts saying she feels she is missing out then you support her however she needs.

Perhaps you can encourage her to go on round the world trip as their honeymoon

@MsTSwift

You can’t say categorically that you haven’t missed out as you don’t know what you may have missed out on!

so true...

But as long as you don't regret it, resent it, or worst try to recapture your youth when it's too late, hopefully it won't matter.

Reaching a certain stage and knowing that everything you could have done, you have - because if you didn't, you have no excuse and you can't blame anything or anyone, is a good feeling.

I still think that everything you can or want to do when you are married in your 40s, 50s, 60s... you can always do them.

You can never be 20 again.

You can never be 20 again

Thank goodness for that is all I can say, I don't know why we must idolise this age so much. I am so much more able and confident to enjoy the experiences I have now than I did back then.

I got married young and just feel lucky to have found 'the one' so early. I have never had to worry about whether I'll meet someone 'in time' or whether I've missed my chance for babies. I've had a loving partner my whole adult life. I got to have children while I was young and had bags of energy. I know nothing is promised but it could be that I'm quite young when they have children and be young enough to be an active grandparent. I could even meet my great grandchildren if I'm really lucky! I'm good friends with my kids and we are close as I don't feel a huge generation gap between us. I had children while my career was still in its early stages and now that my kids are a bit more independent my career is taking off and I have the space and energy to pursue it.

I wouldn't swap any of that for more one night stands, house shares and parties. Not for a second.

I can understand the concern, settling down with a man could really drag her down. Equally, the life you describe of dating, living in lofts, adventure of the big city can be very stressful, filled with heartache and anxiety. I know, I've done it.

There are many advantages to settling down early and finding that happiness. It gives you a certain freedom in your 30s and 40s that others just don't have. My parents had me at the age of 22 and it has meant their 40s and 50s have been fucking amazing! Once I went to uni, they found themselves early 40s with plenty of money AND time. It can work out.

DH and I met at 21, moved in at 23, engaged at 24 and married at 25. Since we got together we have travelled a lot, got a house and a dog, I learned to drive, got promoted at work, studied my arse off part-time and I’m now on course for my dream career at 31.

Being married hasn’t dragged me down at all, he is my biggest supporter. I wouldn’t have done anything differently if I was single in my 20s but I’m glad he was there while I did it.

My brother and his fiancée are getting married this year at 25 so my example hasn’t scared them off!

@userchange7643

You can never be 20 again

Thank goodness for that is all I can say, I don't know why we must idolise this age so much. I am so much more able and confident to enjoy the experiences I have now than I did back then.

I don't "idolise" it, my 20s were an amazing part of my life.

I wouldn't want to live that way now, but I would have hated even more living like I live now when I was young (not even talking about the pandemic).

It's fine to grow up eventually, when you have got a lot of things out of your system. I can still do everything any healthy late 30, 40+ year old can do now.

I hope I am raising my kids well enough that they don't want to settle too early, and I do feel very sorry for all the younger ones whose life has been put on hold because of Covid. It sucks.

I don't "idolise" it, my 20s were an amazing part of my life.I wouldn't want to live that way now, but I would have hated even more living like I live now when I was young (not even talking about the pandemic). * It's fine to grow up eventually, when you have got a lot of things out of your system. I can still do everything any healthy late 30, 40+ year old can do now.* I hope I am raising my kids well enough that they don't want to settle too early, and I do feel very sorry for all the younger ones whose life has been put on hold because of Covid. It sucks.

My 20s were brilliant too, as are my 30s, and hopefully the rest of my life! I just don't relate to this idea that there is a set way of living in your 20s and that you can't do it any other time, what can you do in your 20s that you can't do now? And why can't you? I suspect that's more to do with having children than an actual age limit. Not everybody has children as soon as they are married, or indeed at all, and not everybody who has children thinks their life has to stop and then see family life as some kind of sentence to serve. One of the benefits I've found of living the life I have is that I'm not trying to follow some predestined timeline, I did "settle down" young, but I still partied, travelled, excelled in my career, I just happened to have a family with that too. And funnily enough, I seem to find life a heck of a lot easier and take it in my stride more than other people I know my age "settling down" now, because I just went with the flow, following my heart, no expectations, I don't relate to all the threads about how hard life is and the "drudgery" of settling down as I just didn't accept that for myself, and a big part of that was my age I think.

It's not just children.

It's being carefree, not having to think about finance, not having to think about settling down, let alone consider having kids or not, it's about your body! I don't have the same stamina, I don't have the same interests and wouldn't want to travel and do the same things now, I am not attracted by the same people now.

As an example, you don't have to have a mortgage by the time you are 40, but the longer you leave it, the harder it gets. Try to get your first mortgage in your late 40s, 50s.
In my 20s, I didn't give a shit about mortgages, I didn't have to.

My life hasn't stopped because I had kids, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered having them frankly, but by definition they come first. It's fine, it's just different.

I don't resent or feel like I trapped with babies/kids/teens/life because I had fun before deciding to have them when I was ready.

You can't live like a 20 year old in your 40s or 50s, it really does look tragic.

You can't live like a 20 year old in your 40s or 50s, it really does look tragic.

I don't know what you mean by "living like a 20 year old", yes ok 18-21 is pretty care free these days, was for me and I assume it was for the OP's daughter as I believe she is older than that now. But I don't know many people living like a 20 year old when 21-30. With or without marriage I would have been working towards my career, most people I know were working and living independently, so finances will inevitably be a part of life in 20s for most people.

Having fun "before" kids is a weird thing to say, maybe your version of fun is different to mine, maybe I'm just "tragic", but I've been able to carry on doing what I've wanted to do with a family. I have a lot of family support, because they're young too, funnily enough.

As for relationships, I fell in love at 17, I can't help that. I wasn't going to end a relationship with someone I connect with on every level just because I was young. We knew the odds were against us at a young age which was why we made sure we didn't hold each other back, I went to university hundreds of miles away, studied abroad, he joined a career that did (and still does) take him away for months at a time. We grew up together as opposed to apart. I can't imagine ever regretting for a second not being single in my 20s to shag around because I have been fulfilled on every level. If we eventually grow apart and split, that's fine, that's life, it doesn't change the brilliant time we have had in our 20s and 30s.

I just find it odd that people who are older and supposedly more "experienced" can come across much more ignorant and not understanding that different people experience fulfilment in different ways. There is no one set way of living this life. I'm really pleased you are happy with the choices you've made and how your life has panned out, but surely you understand one size doesn't fit all.

I met DH at 18, we bought our first house at 21, married at 24, moved to our bigger "family house" at 27 and now expecting our first baby (I'll be 28 when he or she arrives) we couldn't be happier.

FWIW we both still went on holidays and nights out with friends, especially in our early 20s. I've managed to have plenty of drunk/stupid/crazy nights to look back and laugh at, I don't feel they were hampered by not snogging strangers tbh

DH lived away in another city for uni when we were younger too. We both still have very active social lives now, with separate groups of friends and mutual friends. If your DD is happy, support her.

but surely you understand one size doesn't fit all.

of course I do, and I can't say I care how others live, but I do care about my own kids and just hope they won't settle too young.

Finances when you are single and child-free are not the same in any way shape or form when you are middle aged with kids.

Hopefully, when you have kids, you don't want to do things without them either... I would find it a bit weird to decide to go travelling without the kids. Travelling WITH kids is different too.

@fashionablefennel but marriage doesn’t automatically mean kids.
Also I fail to understand what you mean by ‘tragic’. Living like a broke student in your 30’s or floating around aimlessly is tragic. But that’s not the best part of your twenties is it?
Unless you’re saying that married people can’t have fun drinking and partying like 20 year olds

Good lord, it's horses for courses surely? Works for some not for others. It's dd's life and her decision. Hopefully they'll be celebrating their golden anniversary in decades to come :-)

@fashionablefennel we won't be middle aged with kids. We've managed financially fine young with kids, never had a hairy moment, bought a house, no debt, go on holiday regularly etc etc, the one benefit to having kids young is we've not known any different, we're already laughing at how much more money we have now we don't have childcare. Thankfully for us with kids growing and our careers with them, our financial situation has only grown. Never had to experience taking a step back for maternity leave etc.

Haha what a loaded comment. Yes we've travelled without the kids, as do plenty of other parents I know, and have thoroughly enjoyed. I do not feel the need to do everything with my children, thank goodness my parents didn't with me either! We tend to go away by ourselves for 7-10 days every 2 years or so. Although our next trip is to California and youngest will be old enough to enjoy so only planning one solo trip without them in the next 2 years as they're now old enough to enjoy the types of trips we enjoy. But I'm the kind of parent who doesn't think your whole life needs to be defined by children and I don't think it's healthy for them to have that kind of parenting. We'll obviously disagree on that.

Good for her if she's found her niche, I did the fun thing in my twenties but tbh hated the lack of financial security and fluidity and transience of relationships at that age. If she doesn't want all that that's fine, it doesn't make everyone happy you know xxx

I married at 23. I still did all the going out I wanted to do but nowhere near the level of others I knew. My focus was to save for a house. The marriage didn't last that long. I was divorced by 30 but I still kept my house. At 30 the idea of all those single girl nights out didn't really suit me so I found DH2 and go out even less.

userchange7643
I am not saying your life is wrong, but you would be lying if you pretend your life is not defined by your children. A solo trip leaving the kids safely home with someone is not the same as a solo trip full stop.

I don't think it's healthy for them to have that kind of parenting.
bollocks. You can't be a decent parent if you don't put your kids first, but you seem to confuse that with making your whole life revolve around your children. No one has said you can't have a life because you have kids, no one has said you need to be a martyr or can't leave your kids away from you for a few days or weeks, or you can't breath.

Going away for 10 days alone every 2 years is hardly freedom

Never had to experience taking a step back for maternity leave etc.
neither did I, but I would have if I had my kids too young. That's the beauty of being senior enough by the time they arrive, and being financially comfortable.

If you have never experienced any different, you can't know what you missed, and that's the point. That wouldn't work for me. I don't wish it for my own kids. There's more to life than working full time, paying your mortgage, saving for your pension, and having 2 or 3 holidays a year.

@userchange7643

You can never be 20 again

Thank goodness for that is all I can say, I don't know why we must idolise this age so much. I am so much more able and confident to enjoy the experiences I have now than I did back then.

I agree. I am a stronger more rounded person now who has had experiences and is less sensitive than I was at 20

I met my partner at 19, got together when I was 22, bought our house at 24 and am now 31 with 1 baby, engaged and planning our second.

I don't envy the lives of any of my friends who stayed single in their 20s, most of whom are now trying to find the perfect man who isn't divorced or already has kids.

If she is happy, then that is all that matters. She can still go out clubbing / mates holidays if she wants.

@fashionablefennel the irony is you're coming across as ignorant and intolerant, I hope my kids live a life that brings them happiness and kindness. If my sad life lacking supposed freedom has led me to being a more open minded and empathetic person, I see that as a success. I would wish that for them over a lot else.