Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

OP, I know exactly how you must be feeling. What happened sounds like something that I would do, in a clumsy attempt to make a friend!

Probably no consolation but I would be mates with you if our children were at the same school.

Hope your mental health picks up over the weekend.

((hugs))

@Banana7

Wow, so many responses!!! I'm amazed at the level of interest this post got. My intention was NEVER to chastise the little girl. On the contrary, that was said in a very playful tone with a smile. The mum basically didn't give me a chance to say anything else. I'm in such a bad place for other reasons right now that I read negativity in lots of things. Thanks to the people who understood how bad I'm feeling and who provided words of support instead of making me feel even worse than I feel. I'm planning to be over friendly with that mum as her daughter is in my little boy's class and after school club.

Please don’t be over-friendly. That would be trying too hard, and might alienate her more. Just try to be natural.

I think you are over-thinking the scooter incident, it sounds like you are a bit of a sensitive soul. It’s probably best to forget about it. If she is a normal person she will have forgotten about it too and won’t bear a grudge. If she continues to be off with you about it, that is not normal and she is someone it’s probably not a good idea to try to be friends with anyway.

The playground mum situation can be really weird and I wouldn't give it a second thought.The other mother didn't really know you weren't hurt and whilst apologies were exchanged I think she handled the situation poorly. I'm not sure a playground pick up situation is ever the best place to make friends.Limp heavily the next time you see her and watch her response.

There are some unkind responses in here. Don’t take it personally.
My advice would be to find friends elsewhere, the school playground/gate is a minefield. I have grown children, and hated it. Incidentally I have not remained friends with any of them. The Mums you meet in this situation usually walk with you for a short while, are not permanent and certainly not worth the angst.

You're overthinking OP. She probably doesn't even remember it happening now. Let it go x

Very unkind responses here op. Don't dwell on it, the mother might have been already telling her dd to not to bang into things on the scooter and she was at the end of her tether. She could have been having a bad day you never know

I'm going through hell in other areas of my life, and yes that makes me prone to catastrophising...

Thank you

@Banana7

I'm going through hell in other areas of my life, and yes that makes me prone to catastrophising...

Please get some help. You'll end up in such a downward spiral otherwise.

That is a really nice thing to say 😊.

It's a bit more nuanced than what you're describing. Struggling with social anxiety is a thing, and yes having a few friendly faces to greet and be greeted by in the morning can make a whole world of difference to someone's day.

You’ve been nothing but lovely and kind. You’re a nice person! Perhaps when you said it hurt the mum was worried her child would be upset about that so was trying to reassure her, rather than it being anything directed towards you. Regardless, if she was rude, just remind yourself that lots of really great and lovely people are treated rudely and impatiently by other people and it’s always an issue with the other person being in a bad mood / place. Hope you feel better soon.

Oh I hate it when you mean something in a light-hearted way and it is misunderstood. Please don't brood on it or let it spoil your weekend, if she hadn't rushed off you could have completed your conversation.

I think it's been very difficult since your DS started school, there hasn't been all the usual whole-class parties etc that are useful for getting to know other parents never mind the mask-wearing. Hopefully next year things will be much easier. You don't need to be friends with everyone, if you find one or two who you can have a bit of a laugh with, that is a win.

Being sensitive is actually something I'm quite proud of, but it makes life hard sometimes...

Don't worry about it! I sail around in a world of my own half the time then realise at bedtime someone tried to talk to me at school pick up and I accidentally ignored them or said something daft. We are all just bumbling through, trying our best, and not always pulling off social stuff. It'll be alright.

@OrchidLass

Ah, good old Mumsnet. Never misses the opportunity to kick someone, who has already said they're not in a good place, when they're down. Oh and extra points for calling her weird.

I don't actually think the OP handled the situation brilliantly, sometimes we don't, but god some posters love to stick the boot in.

It's astounding isn't it? It's as if some people see someone feeling like crap, and so they heap on more crap for good measure.

Yeh, next time just say 'no worries' rather than 'that really hurt' - she did apologise! The conversation might have gone differently then.

I know how how it feels to dwell on little things and catasteophise though. I'm finding CBT really helpful with this... maybe worth a try?

Also, a few years ago I had counselling with a psychologist that, to this day, I think is probably the loveliest, kindest, more sensitive person I’ve ever met. An absolute natural at making other people feel heard and genuinely someone I can’t imagine anyone not liking. And she said to me that she believed that not everyone liked her or saw her as she wanted to be seen and that it was something that everyone had to understand was the way we all worked. That made me feel much better when I felt crappy about other people! Even awesome people have people that don’t ‘get’ them and who aren’t very nice to them,

The mums, and dads too, in that school all know each other. I'm just about talking to 4 or 5 of them. When you see everyone else having friendly chats, you start thinking you should be doing the same. Unfortunately, it doesn't come easy to me...

@101spacehoppers

My eldest has ASD. If you and your son find the whole thing stressful, then perhaps just give it a miss? He doesn't have to make friends and may appreciate more downtime and getting away from school ASAP. Dd hates socialising so we don't force it. She's never had a playdate and that's really fine.

I am friendly with a couple of other parents at school, but that's because I know them from other things. Mostly I just stare into space or give a quick hi. Concentrate on developing friendships away from school.

This is excellent advice 👍

OP I think this might be a really helpful book for your dc and for you to read together:

"How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them (Dino Tales: Life Guides for Families) Paperback – Picture Book, September 1, 2001 by Laurie Krasny Brown (Author), Marc Brown (Illustrator)"

Just in case it helps to hear the mindset of a fellow parent, when i go to pick up dc the main thoughts on my mind are how my dc's day has been and getting ready to chat about that, and about what i have been doing immediately before. If i catch someone's eye i always smile and people almost always smile back. Sometimes i will find myself next to someone and we are both in the mood for a gossip but it just sort of happens.

I don't think you trying to make friends at every opportunity is the best thing for you, it is best to wait until something clicks with someone and take it from there, but in the meantime try to get on with everyone, which is different. I think you'd find it easier if you got some help with how you are thinking about things too.

I tend to prioritise my dc's friendship needs at the moment - the book might be helpful, and the other thing I try to make sure dc do is to make friends with their kinda people - which is sort of what the book says too - people who make them feel good, people they just really like.

having a few friendly faces to greet and be greeted by in the morning can make a whole world of difference to someone's day give everyone a huge smile every day, you will be sure to get some back

Bear in mind too that an awful lot of people will have their own stuff going on, their own problems. But I hope that whatever it is which is affecting you gets better.

Knowing 4 or 5 other parents is quite a lot though I think. I'd just concentrate on those friendships and don't force anything else. A polite hello or smile is fine.

Lots of wise welcome words from you there. I've been trying too hard to make him feel he's like the others. I'm not even sure he notices he's different. Sometimes, I think it plays on his mind but I'm never sure. We go on playdates with carefully chosen parents who won't mind if my child might not play with theirs. It's hit and miss. I always wonder if it's my fault, or if he's just who he is and to let it go. However, I want him to be excited by life and all the things it has to offer, and I can't help trying. When it works and he enjoys it, it makes me feel happy too 😊

sorry I meant "when i go to pick up dc the main thoughts on my mind are how my dc's day has been and getting ready to chat with my dc about that"

Thanks for your support. It means a lot.