Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

I think you needed to get what else you were going to say out bt didnt get a chance. The mum was an arse to you. A lot of them are. You will have plenty more of this to come believe me. Dont beat yourself up about it, try to laugh at these horrible people and relish the fact that you are not 1 of them. Enjoy yr time with yr son :-)

I agree, she probably thought you were going to tell the child off since they both already apologised and you continued to mention it again.. did you want her to say sorry again?

Could you be on the spectrum yourself? If you struggle and over think social situation you could have ASD traits, as it’s highly genetic.

My partner is like this, he says the ‘wrong’ thing a lot and identifies with a lot of ASD behaviours but has never been diagnosed and is prob extremely low on the spectrum if he is on it at all. Don’t worry too much, maybe just try to casually chat to people and don’t force it.

Try not to worry. It sounds like you weren't in a great place before this happened and so not having much confidence, you may have slightly misjudged the situation and unfortunately for you, got a mother who was not very friendly or kind.I suggest, you don't rely on forging friendships at the school gates, but focus on one to ones with children your child gets on with and perhaps meet other like minded parents through something like the PTA..lots of nice mums volunteer for that.In my experience,the school gate is cliquey, unkind and judgemental ....very reminiscent of the misnamed 'popular girls' ..just another name for bullies in my opinion. Don't let the bastards grind you down and be nice to yourself. You sound like you're working really hard to lay the groundwork for your child to have decent friendships and I'm sure you'll find your gang eventually.

Do you actually want to be friends with people at the school gate? Honestly, I don't have headspace for it all.
I understand how hard it is as a parent of a child with additional needs, but I've found mine is actually much happier without being forced into social situations he finds stressful.

Maybe the mother reacted like that because her child is sensitive and she knew she'd get upset by an adult saying "Ouchee that really hurt". My son suffers social anxiety and if accidentally rode in to an adult and said sorry and the adult said "That hurt" my son would probably be so mortified he'd burst in to tears. I can imagine trying to diffuse the situation like that mum did by saying "Oh it's fine. Let's go" and rushing off. I wouldn't take it personally.

I really feel for you. IMO the other Mum overreacted and hopefully realises that you weren't seriously chastising her child (and she was quite defensive and rude). I know it's hard but try and move on. Worrying/replaying things in your head won't change anything and will blow the situation out of proportion.
As others have said, meeting families with Autistic members is a game changer -especially comparing notes and finding everyone's having similar experiences! You come across as such a lovely person and Mum. Focus on what makes you and your son happy, everything else will fall into place.

Also don't put so much pressure on yourself to make friends with other mums. I used to do that and it was all quite disheartening. Now I just drop my kids, make polite conversation if I have to and that's it.

My take is that you said it in a playful way to the little girl, her mum was probably still embarrassed and took it in a different way.

These kind of situations, when you’re already feeling anxious can be difficult and you can overthink it (Been there, done that) but please don’t dwell on it, easier said than done but in a few weeks time you’ll wonder why you felt so worried about it and you will move on.

The whole situation wasn’t your fault, you were taken off guard.

It was an accident. Child apologised, mother apologised and you could have chosen anything at all to say but instead you addressed the child (wasn’t it the mother you wanted to befriend?) and carried on saying it hurt, after both had apologised. No wonder the mother was pissed off - I would be too.
Why don’t you join the PTA? Communication is opened naturally then and you’ll get to know everyone whilst being useful.

Child ran into you, mam said sorry but what if had been your little boy who got hit. Or one of the mumnet kids who said you over reacted mmm me thinks that should be different. Hate those bloody things and they do hurt. Just forget about that offhand woman and enjoy your weekend.

There was a small accident followed by a misunderstanding. We've all had similar problems. Don't lose sleep over it! If it was me, I'd buy a small children's bell or horn to go on the child's scooter and wrap it up like a present. Then I would seek out the mother, go on the charm offensive and say "I'm sorry if I worried your daughter, so I've bought her a little present for her scooter." If she accepts it with grace, you have won a friend. If not, you know you have done something nice anyway.

I think when ur feeling a bit low, things that wouldn't usually upset you, hit much harder. I think all the people who have said that you were wrong etc.. to say ouch to the child, aren't realising it was a split 2nd decision and you had no intention of causing upset. The other mother took it wrong. Don't let it upset you if you can. I'd also be kind to yourself and try and do things to help you feel better, treat yourself to something, and give yourself a break. Life is bloody hard and stressful for a lot of people at the moment, and lots of people not feeling their best so your definitely not on your own there Xx

I think it was probably an unfortunate wording that didn't come across how you intended. Don't feel bad about it, these things happen. Is there any possibility your son would try an after school club? Sometimes they are a good way to make new friends and parents often chat at pick-up when they are not rushing quite as much as they do at school. It's easier to get to know other children and parents if they have a shared interest, whether that is Beavers, football, gymnastics, swimming lessons or whatever interests. It must be very hard at the moment because Covid has made it very difficult to socialize and your son must have had far less opportunity to meet others at a time when children normally start to make new friends. Some kids get on fine without needing lots of friends but I'm sure the right people will come along for you both before long.

School Mums = why I have avoided the playground chat for 9 years of school runs! They are a peculiar breed best left to their clicky pointless gossip

Please try not to dwell on it so much.
Maybe find some fun to do on this lovely sunny weekend that will take your mind off of this.
It was genuinely a complete non incident, I would describe as a slightly awkward moment.
You should give yourself some credit for organising the play dates etc, especially when you don’t feel like and when it seems as if you are making all the effort. Well done to you, that takes some courage and social confidence.
I agree with what some people have said about doing this because you feel you have to, rather than want to.
But if your are doing this to help your DC and it takes you a bit outside of your comfort zone, that is absolutely fine.
It is worth bearing in mind, when you feel you are making all the effort socially, that some people are not good at reaching out, including others or putting them at ease.
It’s not all down to you.
Also, I remember reading somewhere that the amazing and gorgeous Beth Ditto, said in an interview that she was accepting embarrassment, can’t recall her exact words, but I found it very liberating and not many people talk about it.
Shame and embarrassment can be very destructive if we allow them to make us feel stupid, bad, wrong.
Actually we all do daft, awkward, odd and cringey things all the time and that is totally OK.
You tried to chat to a little girl who bumped into you and it went a bit wonky and that’s absolutely fine.
Nobody has been seriously harmed.
Forget about perfect, you have good intentions, you are trying make friends, enjoy the process and all it’s human imperfections. You are doing great and don’t let self doubt spoil the fun of life.

I agree with Midsummer. It was an awkward moment, you meant one thing and they left before you could finish so it probably came across differently. But really no big deal. Just smile and nod when you see them next and it will all be forgotten.

I'm sorry you're struggling. The school run can be scary and I remember the first year or two when I'd only met a couple of mums, it was horrible standing alone if I had noone to chat with. By year 6 we were all friendly and I really missed the social side of things when DC went to secondary.

I also have an ASD son and it's nice to have other parents onside for when things crop up at school, or difficulties at parties etc. I understand why you're making so much effort and applaud you. I'm sure things will get easier.

It's easy to overthink these things.

Also it may look like everyone else knows everyone else but I expect they have their own problems! Probably half the people you observe and feel excluded by have problems with their dd not being invited to the other ones party/ sleepover/ etc.

I think the other mum was a little rude but she probably didn't know quite how to react.

I tend to hurry DS out of situations where I feel the adult he is interacting with isn't following the 'rules' in some way (in this case not acknowledging an apology) and I know he won't know how to respond and will probably start being rude!

@CaptainBarbossa Made a good point. I was thinking this just the other day, that I used to expect other people to always give me leeway, and not realize what I could be doing better, so everything felt unjust.

@Banana7 I was in my 40s before learning I have ADHD with autistic traits. For me, learning I have autistic traits helped me forgive and accept myself rather than thinking I was just crap, and made sense of my life. It really is something worth considering.

I find I get on better in a 'support group' type of environment where everyone is going out of their way to be supportive of each other. So it might be worth you finding those kind of groups-can't do any harm. I made a good friend through the Freedom Programme.

Very Odd behaviour on your part and I would’ve reacted the same as the other parent if you did that! …
What’s wrong with
‘Ah no worries, my kids always do it’ or something along those lines if you really wanna make conversation?

In all honesty my two eldest in their 20s.There is not one family thst I am in friendship with after they left school.
I was always a full time worker. My children were dropped quickly as I rushed to work .On occasions something was planned with others this was always instigated by the children. My children have kept friendships with maybe two of the friends from primary and secondary but made more friendship from other sources university most especially. Once in a while I might ask about a child or parent but I didn't make any real friends and did not feel the need to.
In your case your sons needs might need monitoring as he gets older are you sure mainstream is the right placement for him.
I say this is as a mother of a severely autistic child mine didn't even step into mainstream school setting as she's nonverbal.
I'm really sorry about this whole incident but this will give you something to think about .
More pertaining to your sons needs now and in the future.
Its a lonely place to be I can imagine how you feel at times.
Its sheer hard work in my case I've made a good friend we support each other we are both professionals and hold jobs at the same time.in the earlier days we did a few visits to our homes as our children became older they also became harder to.manage .
Hard for either of us to relax. We do go out for a meal and a laugh on our own
Talk about other things mostly sometimes a little cry but it's really relaxed.
I am privileged to have 2 other thriving adult children .
I hope you find some happiness some how.
I commend you as I know how hard this journey is. Do try to find some support groups for families with children who have additional needs.
Take care and all the best .

Unfortunately, your comment was ill-judged. You missed a golden opportunity to be friendly to the mother.

Something similar happened in my local Tesco a few years back. Dd and I were looking at the shelves and she stepped back not realising a woman was right behind us and dd accidentally stepped on her foot (dd is very slim and petite so doesn’t weigh more than flea!) and we both immediately apologised but the woman made such a song and dance about it! Hissing through her teeth and clutching her foot.. was ridiculous so any sympathy vanished for this massive drama queen who was stepped on by a 5 year old

School Mums = why I have avoided the playground chat for 9 years of school runs! They are a peculiar breed best left to their clicky pointless gossip

Oh for goodness sake. This is so nasty I'm not surprised the "breed" doesn't want anything to do with you.

What you just always remember is that everyone else has stuff going on too. Maybe that mum had a stressful day or loads on her mind or was in a hurry so wasn't thinking about how you were going to react. Plus despite your friendly tone I'd be annoyed that you'd kept going on about it.

I'd not bother love bombing them just be friendly but not over the top.

With my oldest I felt the pressure to get on with all the parents as I thought that would translate into him being invited to more play dates etc. With my third I didnt bother because I didnt really have the time (3 kids working full time rarely at school) It doesnt really seem to have made any difference. In hindsight it wasnt really worth the stress.