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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

324 replies

Banana7 · 11/06/2021 16:18

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 11/06/2021 16:38

After they'd apologised I'd have said "No worries, accidents happen!" with a smile and carried on walking. Stuff like that happens all the time on the school run. You didn't need to do the whole ouch thing.

GertietheGherkin · 11/06/2021 16:38

@GertietheGherkin

This situations will be plentiful. The playground mums can be very strange individuals. I'm guessing because you said "ouch" and turned around, they both apologised and the mum thought that was all that needed to be said on the matter.

In bending down to the level of the child, it may have appeared to the mum that you were expecting more from her daughter and saying "ouchy.. That really hurt" looking directly into her face could have been constroud as being rather intimidating, and you were really hitting home the fact that she had hurt you.
The mum being keen to be away from the situation is quite normal. She doesn't want her daughter chastised.
Don't let it ruin your weekend. It's not worth it, they're will be plenty more issues crop up in the playground, you just have to smile and nod, and leave them with it.

Oops There in stead of This There instead of they're. Predictive text... Such a joy 🤭
MiniTheMinx · 11/06/2021 16:38

Some people have no tact, or lack empathy and really don't understand how their words or behaviour will effect others. It does feel crap when you are already feeling fragile. But you just have to shrug it off sometimes because there is no way of addressing your hurt directly with the other person. Understanding that it was her, and not a reflection on you is important.

CookPassBabtridge · 11/06/2021 16:39

And yes I agree you are thinking too much about friendships and playdates.

Pewpew · 11/06/2021 16:39

There are di*kheads everywhere. Think nothing more of it.

HelpMeh · 11/06/2021 16:39

Your opportunity was to engage the mother, not the child Confused

As others have said they'd both already apologised so you should've directed the conversation elsewhere. With the mother.

They may also have been in a rush to get somewhere.

Howshouldibehave · 11/06/2021 16:41

Bending down and saying, ‘"Ouchee, that really hurt"’ after it was clearly an accident and they’d already said sorry was rather strange and unnecessary-she probably just wanted to get home.

moynomore · 11/06/2021 16:41

The playground mums can be very strange individuals

I don't think it was the other mum who was being strange here though. The OP reacted oddly in my opinion and I would have been embarrassed as the other mum.

Also, I hate so much when "school mums" are grouped together as some sort of special breed or species. Always smacks a bit of internal misogyny IMO.

Leafy12 · 11/06/2021 16:43

Really sorry you are feeling wobbly but school walks are rife with this kind of situation and you misjudged your interaction with her child. I would have found you over the top and would have walked away too. It was a bit like you couldn't accept the apology. I remind myself on countless occasions that school isn't about me. It isn't about my ability to make friends. It is solely about my child. If I can sort out playdates from time to time, that's a win. If not, so be it. Look after yourself and maybe take some time to regroup this weekend.

User52739 · 11/06/2021 16:43

I think you misjudged the situation a bit - as both mum and daughter had already apologised I wouldn’t have pushed the little girl further by saying it had hurt, I would have accepted the apology and made a friendly comment instead if I wanted it to become a conversation. But I also think the other mum was a bit defensive and didn’t need to be as brusque as she was. I suppose she wanted to get her daughter out of the confrontation but she wasn’t very tactful about it.

I would chalk this one up to experience and try to put it behind you if you can.

moynomore · 11/06/2021 16:44

I remind myself on countless occasions that school isn't about me. It isn't about my ability to make friends.

This is really good advice. My friend is a primary headteacher and finds herself caught up in parent drama sometimes. She always reminds parents of the above too.

Stevenage689 · 11/06/2021 16:45

"Opportunity for meeting someone new" is very odd in this context. The school playground is not a place to approach other people's children. Parents, yes. Not children.

Hollywolly1 · 11/06/2021 16:46

You organise play dates and know about 4/5 mums, for a shy person I'd say you are doing exceptionally well. Try not over think the scooter issue. Compared to me you seem like a very outgoing confident womanGrin,I do my best to keep away from people Hmm its just the way I am so well doneFlowersfor you and keep going.

LoopTheLoops · 11/06/2021 16:47

I think you acted odd sorry, I would have walked off too

Tal45 · 11/06/2021 16:48

I'm with you OP, the child shouldn't have been allowed to ride a scooter so close to you that it could hit you like that IMO - you'd been hurt and the mum took offense because you said so to the child? Jesus what is wrong with people. I'd have been mortified if my child did that and make sure they weren't riding nearly so close to other people if they couldn't manage to hold on to the scooter properly. I would have apologise again if you'd said that to my child, how rude of her to decide you're not hurt without even consulting you.

If the people at school are all like this I would give talking to anyone a miss, wear some headphones and listen to music instead. Don't let some rude cow affect your mental health.

As an unrelated thing as you say you are shy and unconfident and have a child with asd is it possible you have asd to? You sound like a very sensitive soul xxx

SquishySquirmy · 11/06/2021 16:48

If I witnessed that encounter, I would probably think that the other mum (not you) was either grumpy and rude, or had poor social skills, or didn't hear you.
Being generous, she was maybe in a hurry and trying to chivvy her daughter along. If I saw that encounter I would think that you seemed nice and friendly, and the other mum was being, at best, unnecessarily abrupt.
However if I experienced that encounter I would probably feel a little as you do (I am quite awkward and self conscious and over think things. This is something I am trying to work on and I am getting better at!)

But from an objective viewpoint, the encounter was no reflection on you iyswim.

Although it is easier said than done, try to shrug it off and see the incident in proportion: Ask yourself how you would view the scene if you weren't involved. You would not think anything negative about the woman who was crashed into, would you? You would probably wonder "gosh what's up with her?" about the other woman. You certainly would not think it was a huge deal.
So why do you see yourself as the problem in this exchange? Her rudeness was nothing to do with you and was everything to do with her.

Don't dwell on it, don't doubt yourself. You sound lovely. The sun is shining, its Friday, have a wonderful weekend.

Flowers
BrownEyedGirl80 · 11/06/2021 16:49

I don't think you should have highlighted it to the child but I very much doubt the mum would have given it a second thought

Crimblecrumble1990 · 11/06/2021 16:49

I would dwell on something like this too so I totally get it. It's much easier said than done but try and forget about it, as time passes it will become less embarrassing so hang in there. I don't think the other mum handled it very well but it sounds like it was a bit of an odd situation with you addressing the child but I think if it had been a context where you more time to chat it probably would have been fine.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 11/06/2021 16:51

I think the comments are harsh. It probably wasn't the best thing to say but it's the kind of awkward remark anyone could make without thinking. The mums reaction was really rude and ott. She obviously just felt defensive though so I wouldn't worry about it.

Tal45 · 11/06/2021 16:51

@Stevenage689

"Opportunity for meeting someone new" is very odd in this context. The school playground is not a place to approach other people's children. Parents, yes. Not children.
What a strange thing to say, the mother was there with the child and the child is in her ds's class.
katy1213 · 11/06/2021 16:52

I'm with you - I'm sick of entitled little fuckers on their scooters and their ineffectual parents.
But they're not worth worrying about. Death stare and a roar from me but I couldn't care less about making friends with them!

Annoymoususer · 11/06/2021 16:54

I don't understand the need to stand and chat at the school gates, is it an exclusive club? I can't think of anything more boring than standing about before and after school chatting or gossiping with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with. The more sensible ones stand as far away from them as possible. Do you see the dads chatting? No they have the right idea, bunch of busybodies with their snouts in everyone else's life then rushing home to watch daytime telly.
You have stated your son doesn't like things other kids would why force such an ordeal on him? They will all get invited to birthday parties and your kid hates them but you'll make him go to be part of the witches coven? You can make friends just not the ones that use the playground as a social hangout.

Nocutenamesleft · 11/06/2021 16:54

She was defensive of her child. She probably thought you were going to berate her

Just read wrong on both sides. Don’t worry about it. These things happen.

gamerchick · 11/06/2021 16:54

Let it go OP, you can guarantee the other mother has.

Do you want to actually be friends with these people? My idea of hell making friends with the school run lot.

Do you have any support groups near you? You might do better in a group with other parents with kids with additional needs. It's just easier as they get what life's about.

drawerofwater · 11/06/2021 16:56

I can imagine how you feel OP. I’ve been there, where every tiny little thing seems to reinforce the fact that you feel like a piece or shit on someone’s shoe! It’s horrible and I hope you feel better soon. You’re in for a kicking on AIBU. Hide the thread!