Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

This precise thing happened to me years ago as a teacher - an unsupervised toddler on a trike collecting her sister from school. I played it down but I had injured my achilles tendon. I had physio but it is recurring problem 15 years later. Take care of it and don't feel bad.

Do you think you might be autistic too, OP? It runs in families so it's a possibility and it might explain the anxiety, 'shyness' and struggle to make friends, also the rumination after a social encounter that went wrong.

I'm autistic and wasn't diagnosed until I was 40. Lots of women were missed when we were young.

The other mum could have been going through mh issues too and felt attacked by you carrying on about being hurt after they both apologised.
Don't take it personally and try not to force friendships. I only ever really spoke to one mum at the school gates and she's still a friend many years later.

@bitheby out of interest, how were you diagnosed? I'm fairly sure I'm on the spectrum but very high functioning. Would be interesting to know for sure.

@Soubriquet

Yeah I don’t think you should have said anything to the child

After the mum said “sorry she let go”

That was your opportunity to say “oh no worries! It was an accident. My child is just the same. They are quick little things at this age aren’t they?”

That opens a conversation

This would have been perfect.

Next time take the opportunity to move on from the incident.

Don’t think more on it and I imagine she would have been as equally embarrassed.

[quote surreygirl1987]@bitheby out of interest, how were you diagnosed? I'm fairly sure I'm on the spectrum but very high functioning. Would be interesting to know for sure.[/quote]

I was in the MH system for 'anxiety' already so I requested an appointment to discuss my concerns about being autistic. The psychiatrist completely dismissed that out of hand and suggested another disorder might fit better. I insisted and eventually managed to persuade him to make the referral. Was diagnosed without any doubt after my first assessment appointment. If you're not already in the system then via the GP initially. Expect a long wait.

I'm also 'high functioning' although this terminology is frowned upon nowadays - I have several degrees and professional qualifications - but can't manage my house and get horrendously stressed by interpersonal interactions, even with my own family and friends! Hence my query to the OP.

I hate being engaged in conversation on the school runs. I'm wanting to be there just long enough to throw my kids through the gates or run past their class & pick them up. I need to spend minimal time there so I'm able to do my work day.

So, take the pressure of you feeling like you have to socialise at the school gates....you dont.

However, if you bent down to my kid and said thay after we had both apologised I would think you were weird.

@bitheby interesting! Thanks so much for sharing. I sound very much like you. I am seeing someone for 'severe anxiety' (apparently) and have a doctorate, yet struggle with 'normal' every day stuff and interactions with people. I didn't realise 'high functioning' was frowned upon these days - thanks. I probably shouldn't have said 'normal' stuff either.

Do you think you have benefitted from this diagnosis or not? Basically, is it worth pursuing?

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP!

It has helped me enormously because before diagnosis I would blame myself for everything that had gone wrong and beat myself up for being 'weird', 'odd' etc. I had people at work tell me that I was nice but weird to my face. Which is sort of a compliment but not really what you want to hear. I've had high powered jobs but the anxiety and overwhelm is bordering on unbearable so I've also had a period on sickness benefits due to extreme anxiety but which was probably autistic burnout and not understanding what I was dealing with.

I work full time now but it's incredibly stressful and not really sustainable long term. At least now I know this is all because I'm autistic and not because I'm odd, weird, not trying hard enough, pathetic or all the other things I've called myself.

I've also spent thousands on therapy but if you are autistic and the therapy isn't tailored to that, it's never going to be able to 'fix' autism and endless analysis of why past events happened aren't really that helpful if a massive piece of information is missing.

@korawick12345

Well you are an adult who was hurt accidentally by a child who apologised, whose parent also apologised and then after that you decided to say 'ouchee that hurt" to the child! It's not really surprising the other parent saw you as making a fuss over nothing.

Agree

I don't think the way you responded was out of order at all. And certainly not berating as on pp said. Some serous dictionary work needed there!

I would stop trying so hard. Just smile say hello in future and don't expect any kind of friendship from parents at the school gate. It's an odd environment ime. I avoided it once I realised that.

I strongly suspect I am autistic but am not diagnosed. I find social interactions hard and I often have to try and work out the "rules" and then memorise them.

The things that helped me make mum friends were:

Find something to compliment, particularly be complimentary about people's dc. Never, ever be critical (obviously unless standing up for my own dc). I think your comment may have been heard as critical.

Show interest and ask questions about others, and listen to the answers. If you have a shared experience, use that.

Aim social interactions at adults not dc, but be very kind if a dc interacts with you.

Understand that you gave to invest a lot of time in uncomfortable relationships in order to develop a pleasurable relationship.

I think this thread just proves that you can't please everybody all the time, so there's no point trying.

Personally, I'd think it odd that you responded with a patronising, babyish comment to the child, but I'd also think the other mother obnoxious for allowing a scooter to be used in an inappropriately busy place. You probably wouldn't be well suited as friends, so there's nothing lost and it's not worth dwelling on.

The OP starts with she's not in the best place right now and some posters on this thread can't resist "yeah, you mucked that one up! So weird!" (I'm paraphrasing).

OP may have made an awkward comment, but no need to stick the boot in. A bit of empathy goes a long way.

OP if you get as far as reading this all of these responses show how differently people view and judge the same event. It is their views and judgements and there isn’t a fat lot you can do to change them. It is the same with your interaction with the other mum. You don’t know whether she is upset and anxious about a woman who seemingly didn’t accept 2 apologies, or she’s angry or she hasn’t thought twice about it. I’m sure, being as sensitive as you are, you would be mortified if you thought you had ruined her weekend by the incident but unless you chase her down and ask her, you are going to have to take a deep breath and let this go. I completely understand where you are coming from and my advice would be perhaps to get some help to try and learn ways to manage your anxiety. Tell yourself you are going to do it for your son if not for yourself. Good luck x

You didn’t do anything wrong what so ever!
It wouldn’t have hurt the mum to use your ouchie comment to reiterate to her daughter that, that’s why she need to be very careful and to say sorry again.
Some parents can’t ever accept their child’s done anything wrong and they grow up super spoilt and entitled.
Un confident people, and I’m one of them, often agonise about interctions with people. I’ve done that myself. Spent days worrying about a minor encounter incase the person was annoyed with me or I came across the wrong way. The chances are the mum of the child’s forgotten all about it anyway! X

I have social anxiety. I find it helps to stand with the same group every day, generally parents of my DC's good friends. Over time this has turned into a friendship with a couple of people and I don't feel anxious about the school run at all these days but I certainly know what it feels like.

A better conversation opener to that little girl might have been "I like your scooter". I think even with a jokey tone it would have seemed like you were looking for another apology. If you can, just chalk it up to experience, I don't think there's any need to rehash it with the mother.

Hi op. It's not just you. I had a terrible time at my daughters juniors. sending hugs 🤗

@Tonkerbea hear hear.

It was a very strange comment to make after they'd apologised, instead of making them feel bad about a minor accident you should have accepted the apology with a 'no worries' and made conversation.
If icwas the mum I'd have said similar, her daughter apologised and instead of accepting you made a fuss.

I’m really sorry you are struggling, but at the risk of sounding preachy , it sounds like you are making everything very personal rather than looking at other people’s view. Both the mum and the child ( unprompted) apologised- the mum was probably utterly mortified already before you said “ ouch “ albeit in a way you assumed would be understood as playful. You can’t undo it now though so no good festering about it - I know it’s easy to say but maybe try and be a bit less anxious about making friends- some parents are never going to be friendly no matter how hard you try and that is not personal to you - but in time you will hopefully find some people who want to be pally - good luck x

In the OP's defence, if she is also on the autistic spectrum, there is some evidence that pain is felt more intensely so she may well still have been hurting, in a way someone not on the spectrum would not. Ie, ongoing pain, which was expressed, but obviously not realised by the other parent.