Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

I hate arguments. That's just not me. Especially not outside the school gates, so crass...

I don't think you were wrong to address the child apology or not. Maybe she'll think next time for barging into other peoples legs.

Lots of wise welcome words from you there. I've been trying too hard to make him feel he's like the others. I'm not even sure he notices he's different remember that he won't be the only one, there will be many other children who are "different" probably!!

Also another thing to do is get him enrolled in a couple of fun extracurrcular activities - so for that age maybe a sport and some sort of creative activity - it will be fun and you will meet parents who are watching or waiting for dc. Also going to play areas, there will often be parents around who would like a gossip with an adult.

The PTA is my idea of my worst nightmare... I helped at the reception disco 2 years ago and got blanked by the ladies there, who I didn't even know 😕

Thanks for understanding.

Your son doesn't have to be neurotypical to enjoy life OP. He can love life in his own way and on his terms. He's different, but that's OK.

@Wearywithteens

I tried really hard to make friends with parents in my youngest dd’s year - I’d done it with my older children and I realised I needed to engage when the party and play-date circuit started. I couldn’t really give a shit if anyone talks to me or not - I’m not in the slightest bit needy or insecure and happy to do the school run without a single chat - I’m happy in my own company. The reason I say this was because I realised after a while that around half of them were unusually cliquey and almost surly when i tried to join in. As I said, I couldn’t care less so I gave up trying (still invited their kids to parties if my dd wanted them there).

It’s only now that my children are a lot older, and I see these people around the area that they were never community minded ‘chatty’ people. They were insular, happy in their safe cliques, and it was never personal. They would’ve been like that with anyone trying to engage with them.

Don’t take things so personally OP. 99.9 times out of 100 it’s about them and their issues. Nothing at all to do with you. Be lead by your child - just deal with the parents of the children he wants to play with - be bright and breezy and just keep it light. People are put off by over-familiarity or neediness. Try to be self assured and friendly with a casual no-strings vibe.

Good luck!

This is very true! Excellent post 👍

*Oh I hate it when you mean something in a light-hearted way and it is misunderstood. Please don't brood on it or let it spoil your weekend, if she hadn't rushed off you could have completed your conversation.

I think it's been very difficult since your DS started school, there hasn't been all the usual whole-class parties etc that are useful for getting to know other parents never mind the mask-wearing. Hopefully next year things will be much easier. You don't need to be friends with everyone, if you find one or two who you can have a bit of a laugh with, that is a win*

Agree with this. My 6 yo has ASD and can be unpredictable when it comes to the school run so we’re either walking nicely or I’ve thrown him over my shoulder because he’s out of sorts and I need to get him home or he’s going to be upset and collapsing on the ground the entire walk home. I hate the school run with a passion. It is the worse parts of my day. I want to drop my child off and pick him up without having to navigate all the parents who seem to think standing in the middle of the pavement or school gate is the best place to have a chat especially when they have their other children running amok. Probably haven’t impressed them with my eyerolls but don’t care, not the type of moms I want to have a chat with or befriend if they think that’s appropriate. I have one or two mums that I will say hi to and have a chat with (after we left the school grounds) and that is more than enough for me. I met one whose son also has ASD and were in the same class and met the other who lived close to the first mum. We all didn’t end up talking until after running into each other at a playgroup with our younger children. Don’t worry too much about it. Let it happen naturally. 🙂

@Banana7

The PTA is my idea of my worst nightmare... I helped at the reception disco 2 years ago and got blanked by the ladies there, who I didn't even know 😕

Dear God yes avoid the PTA like the plague...

These cheese and wine, and meetings are a nightmare. They turn up with all the decisions of events made before they even get to the meetings... They then proceed to tell you what you'll be doing and when.

I got as far as the cheese and wine meet and greet. That was enough for me. 😀

Chalk it up to experience. School gates can be quite hard places to make friends. I think I'm quite friendly but I'm glad to leave that era now DS is off to secondary. I do have some parent friends but I found them usually in other places! Can be extra hard with a child with SEN.

Its not just you OP. Don't spend any more mental energy on it. Be kind to yourself x

Yes to what @Wearywithteens said!

Are you on the spectrum, op?

Not the subject of you aibu but something else worth sharing is that, with hindsight, I didn’t realise why my ds seemed less interested in socialising than I was on his behalf. During primary, I though that socialising = happy. It was only after his recent ASD assessment that it crystallised that for dc down time, quiet and calm = happy, socialising not so much. As a parent, it’s natural to try to anticipate our child’s needs so I don’t beat myself up too much but I do think that my stress levels during primary would have been lower if I’d realised that stuff that mattered to me at the time actually mattered so much less to him.

The PTA is my idea of my worst nightmare... I helped at the reception disco 2 years ago and got blanked by the ladies there, who I didn't even know 😕

What do you mean blanked? I wouldn't be confident enough to go and speak to someone I don't know unless there was a reason to. Or did you speak to them and they just ignored you?

@Banana7 I read your post and it reminded me of how I feel a lot of the time. If our kids were at the same school I would love to say hello (well, after getting all nervous about it).

I am trying to work on my social anxiety at the moment and trying to remind myself that everyone else is probably not giving any of these things (the things that keep me awake at night) a second thought. This doesn't work in the slightest bit for me, but I hope it does for you!

She was rude, but you are over reacting. She won't have give it another thought. Unless she's an absolute tit, in which case no loss in terms of building friendships.

Just wanted to say that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. My ds is in reception. I find drop off and pick ups really hard. I’m really shy and find it very difficult to make conversation. I feel like I should be talking to at least one other mum, but they all seem to already have somebody they’ve clicked with and I feel like the outsider. Masks have made it even more difficult as you can’t even smile at someone which may lead to conversation.
I try not to dwell on it. I have proper friends outside of school gates that I can talk to. It would be nice to have a couple of contacts in my ds class but in a year where there have been no play dates etc, it’s been difficult. Don’t beat yourself up, let the woman’s behaviour go and don’t think anymore about it - I bet she isn’t.

I think people are being quite harsh to you, I doubt the mother will have given it a second thought and probably just wanted to get out of there (I know I always want to escape the school pick-up mayhem as quickly as possible). I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself to ‘make friends’ and it’s exacerbating your anxiety, which in itself can make you less approachable as people will subconsciously pick up on that. I say this because I have felt this way too but I force myself to just relax, not try too hard, just vaguely smile and chat a little if the opportunity presents itself but don’t go looking for it. Just try to tell yourself that it doesn’t matter, because honestly it really doesn’t. Go easy on yourself.

I think you are judged a little too harsh here OP. Posters saying what you did was ott, that the other mum had a right to be irritated.. Yes, they had apologiesd but so what if you did the "ouchee" thing after? It's a LOT LESS annoying/horrible than being hit by a f-ing scooter. And she had no right to say you weren't hurt, how would she know that?
Something similar happened to me at a playground once. It was actually my young DC who got hurt by an older child, riding a scooter carelessly around. Not sure where his mum was, but several women nearby (literally an arms length from me) sort of looked on and commented amongst themselves with amusement, whilst I was worried sick trying to check if my DC was okay. I know they didnt have to help, but found their behaviour just cold and unsympathetic.

I also wondered if you might be on the spectrum yourself OP. You sound a lot like me and I was diagnosed in adulthood having "masked" and suffered with social anxiety all my life.

Do you get RSD Op? Rejection sensitive Dysphoria. An adhd trait.

Ahh try not to dwell on it. It was just a misunderstanding, don’t over think it. Parents embarrassment played a part I’m sure.

The thing is your comment however well meant reinforced the woman's embarrassment & made an accident more of a thing after you'd had an apology. A better response would have been, "no problem, what a cute scooter". Be nice & change the subject, to move on, if you get an apology is always a good strategy . ( My social skills were learnt later in life due to depression & anxiety, but now they're pretty good)

My friend sounds a bit like you. Sorry if I get flamed for this comment, but she refers to herself as ‘socially awkward.’
She finds it hard to engage with people in the natural way that others might do (like some of the comments explaining what they would have said or what would have been better.) she actually was diagnosed as being on the spectrum herself a couple of years ago in her 30’s. There are probably many people undiagnosed somewhere on the spectrum that find certain social situations, ‘normal’ social niceties, personal space and general conversation quite difficult. Along with anxiety which makes every situation seem 100x worse! Do you have many friends? If you do, then I wouldn’t stress too much at making friends at the school gates. If you don’t, then there are better places to make friends. Maybe a club in something you are interested in? Your sons friends will invite him to parties and play dates when they start doing that more frequently.

Most people you see in the morning are in their own little world, if the next Michelle Obama was standing nearby they would have no interest in “making friends.” You need to meet people in a place where they are genuinely looking to connect, or just be easy going and see if things happen.

Being “overly friendly” is the worst possible thing you can do. Just dial back the intensity, be friendly and casual. Don’t try to turn every quick interaction into something big.

Maybe she thought you were being too much with her child (as most people would have in that situation), or maybe she was just trying to shut you down in a nice way—she was busy, with other things on her mind and not trying to turn this into a bonding experience. A big part of the reason you’re upset is because of your expectations—that a scooter crash should lead to a friendship. That’s not how friendship works. The more you try to push as someone who is shutting you down the more they will feel their boundaries are not being respected, and they will push back.