Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

I wouldn’t read too much into it. I’m pleasant enough to other school parents, but my children’s school is not the epicentre of my social life like it is for some. My advice is look for friends elsewhere. Really the only thing you have in common with these people is the fact your children attend the same school.

I'm planning to be over friendly with that mum as her daughter is in my little boy's class and after school club.
OP, I think that would be a mistake.
Why would that help a friendship between your kids?
If anything, if I was that mum, I'd be thinking 'ffs not her again' and I wouldn't encourage a friendship between my child and hers. I reckon she could end up trying to avoid you if you were 'over friendly' and trying, very obviously, to start up a friendship with her. She would likely see you as needy and too full on. She's probably like a lot of the mums on here, the ones saying 'I cannot be arsed with school gate small talk/cliques/drama etc etc.
School is for childhood friendships, not parents' social lives.

OP try to imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. If DS had run into someone with a scooter and caught their ankles, he immediately apologised and so did you, then the hurt party bent down to say, very close to your DS's face, ouch that hurt.

Would you not feel that maybe something more, and possibly aggressive, was going to be said (given the body language of bending down and leaning in)? The mother announcing that you weren't hurt wasn't great, but I can understand her wanting to get her DD away.

You may be coming across to the other mums as trying too hard and too intense. It comes from a place of wanting friends for yourself and DS, but you can appear needy and that can be offputting.

I think you made a jokey remark to a small child, which would have possibly been accepted as such by an adult, but not taken as that by the child, or her parent. I realise that not everyone 'gets' my sense of humour, so I tend to pick my audience these days to people who understand me. I tend to deliver these 'funnies' in a dead pan way, so people have assumed I'm serious when I'm not.

FWIW my friend's DS who is ASD was very much like this when he was young. Hated parties, etc. Now he is 23, he has found his niche, and his crowd. He works in computers with a lot of computer nerds, and fits right in. No disrespect to computer nerds. Everyone is happier when they find their tribe. I have found mine, and life is better :)

*my child and yours

It's death by a thousand cuts ..
School gates are like this.
The way to get through it is to think what you can do for others in same situation. .so just a smile or a nod at someone who is looking down or a a very very brief supportive comment to someone who is having a bad day. .honestly it will make you feel better because it will take you out of yourself.
I have a son with ASD and I struggle with politics, so this is what I have learnt.
Also that most people are genuinely kind and friendly but have often, their own busy agendas. Good luck to them, but don't let them spoil your happiness, which can be cultivated if you stop worrying what people think of you.

Btw I used to detest people buttonholing my children, even when they had good intentions.

You should have just said what a lovely scooter rather than trying to make the child feel worse before getting in to a conversation.

I think if your child has asd as well- and one of mine does- you sort of look at each new stage as an opportunity to be 'more normal'- sort of, oh, if they can go on playdates and to birthday parties and I can make friends too, then it will be like everything is normal! I will have the parenting experience I expected!

I spent DD's reception year taking her to birthday parties she hated, and would cry and sit on my lap. I stopped. Don't force it because you feel you should

Also some schools are friendlier than others. Ours is not in a rich area, most parents work a lot for a lowish wage, and I think often don't have a lot of bandwidth outside the family and possibly church or mosque for matey coffee mornings. It's likely nothing you've done at all and very circumstantial.

The last day of term in year 6 is a glorious day. You'll see.

I don't think that you should have said that. I would have said with a smile, " that's alright, no worries!" To say, " that hurt" to the girl, makes it sound like you're pissed off and about to tell her off. The mum did nothing wrong, they both apologised and explained what happened. She ignored your comment and told the girl, you're fine. Otherwise her daughter might feel upset that she hurt you. Don't know why you'd tell her you were hurt when it didn't?! Next time you see them, just smile and say morning. I'm sure it will be fine.

Honestly the other mum probably felt flustered too and didn't know what to say either. At most schools covid has meant parents don't get to chat to each other at the gate as much as usual.
I mean this nicely and it's something I tell myself a lot because at times I can have a similar mindset as you, but people don't think about you nearly as much as we think they do. Everyone's too busy worrying about their own insecurities to think too much about other people!

I think some of the comments here are a bit harsh. OP, have you thought about whether you yourself could have ASD? It would perhaps explain the difficulty with reading social situations and the resulting social anxiety.

Op, I would not be ‘over friendly’ with her. Her reaction was inappropriate - she sounds unpleasant. Just be civil with her and react if she talks to you, but otherwise don’t give her further headspace.

It would have been better to have just accepted their apologies and then let it slide. You are seriously overthinking things.

What do you mean about planning to be over friendly with this girl’s mother? If it means what it sounds like then be careful or she will back off.

Just be friendly without trying too hard. Your DS and her DD don’t have to be friends and you can’t make it happen. Just go with the flow.

@Annoymoususer

I don't understand the need to stand and chat at the school gates, is it an exclusive club? I can't think of anything more boring than standing about before and after school chatting or gossiping with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with. The more sensible ones stand as far away from them as possible. Do you see the dads chatting? No they have the right idea, bunch of busybodies with their snouts in everyone else's life then rushing home to watch daytime telly. You have stated your son doesn't like things other kids would why force such an ordeal on him? They will all get invited to birthday parties and your kid hates them but you'll make him go to be part of the witches coven? You can make friends just not the ones that use the playground as a social hangout.

This is one of the most stuck up and rude comments I have ever read on Mumsnet.

1. You have no idea if you have something in common with someone until you talk to them.

1. People are allowed to chat to other people. Have a catch up, get to know each other or just pass 5 minutes while waiting. It's completely normal human behaviour.

1. Dad's to chat at the school gates.

1. You have no idea what people do after the school drop off. Could literally be 100 different things.

Hi OP, I’m sorry you are feeling bad about what happened at school. I think it’s just case that the parent took what you were saying the wrong way and overreacted when you were obviously trying to make small talk. I’m sure she has forgotten all about it and won’t hold it against you.

I understand your mental health may be suffering but please don’t let it get to you. Unfortunately the vultures on here have identified you as easy prey and are kicking you when you are down. Please don’t let uneducated damaged people who are unable to show compassion get you down.

Please take care and enjoy your weekend

I see from both sides.
If it was my little girl I wouldn't really like an adult going to her level who we don't know and saying they were hurt after a apology.
But really if the mum would have just waited she would have saw you meant well. Her reaction was a bit hasty as well.
I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Maybe the other mums are sensing you're stressed.
Hope you catch a break soon. Enjoy your weekend and try and forget about it.

Yeah, AIBU isn't going to make you feel any better about this. You're fine, it was a bit if an awkward encounter but we all have those and move on

FWIW my son made friends with a local boy in nursery, we all walked there in the mornings, nice wee kid but his mum started calling for us every - single - morning. She was full on and a bit needy and it ended up being really annoying. She started inviting herself round 'for a cuppa' etc. We had nothing in common except for having children the same age. She's not someone I would have been friends with if we didn't have kids. I didn't want to be rude to her and I was very relieved when our kids went to different primary schools and i avoided her if I saw her out and about, whereas i would probably have continued to make idle chit chat if not for the forced attempt at friendship. I didn't want to be horrible but at the same time, sometimes there are people who just don't click. You'd be better off, as others have suggested, trying a hobby or a voluntary role to meet like minded people.
You sound very lonely, but you also sound more invested in making friendships for you rather than your son.
Try finding someone to chat too to offer real life support with anxiety, even some online support. It'd be a start.

It is a shame as if you had had time to finish the conversation it would have been fine. I wouldn't dwell on this at all. It can be difficult in the beginning at the school gate but it will get easier. You could just say to the Mum on Monday that you were only joking but that she rushed off. Or maybe it best just to say nothing and chalk it up to experience. But don't worry about it.

As I suspect you've picked up by now, your reaction was unlikely to being a lovely friendship.
Have a think. What did you expect to come from saying that? It came across as "your apology wasn't good enough".

I'd say if you're wanting to make parent friends, address the parent first. Tell them it doesn't matter. Your ds has done the same on his scooter-amazing how quick they can move on them, isn't it? You're then creating a link between you, that you can move on from.
Then speak to the child if they're listening. "I love your hat, blue's my favourite colour too", or something simple that makes the child smile.
Then unless they want to continue, smile, say "see you Monday", then on Monday you can see them, and say "hello, nice weekend?"

I haven't made the best friends of my life at the school gate. I've made some nice friends, but not close friends.

And friendship doesn't normally start with the ringing of bells and sound of party poppers.
It starts when you find something in common with another parent. It may be because your dc are getting on well. It may be because both your dc hate homework, or you enjoy gardening or turn up in the same top. It may be a single sentence, it may be a long conversation. It's finding that small talk is easy with that person.

Don't put too much expectation on yourself.
I've 3 dc. I found with dc1 there were a number of mums who I saw who I would talk with if they were there, but very few I would see out of school.
With dc2 I made my better friends, the ones I'm still friendly with over 10 years later and with dc at different schools.
Dc3 didn't really have many people I would talk with, I'd often chat with different people, but wasn't anyone I specifically looked for at the gate.

That was not to do with me, but the group. Just as in any group you may find good friends, you may not. It's a matter of chance.

But also don't judge on appearance/first impressions. One of the few I've kept up with at all from dc1 days she really doesn't generally fit my type of person at all. But something came up, and I found she has a heart of gold and a great sense of humour. I don't think I'm her normal type either, but we did gel.

OK I wouldn't have taken this well either. What was the mum meant to say, after both she and the child had apologised? It doesn't matter how 'playfully' you said what you did, it would have sounded like you were still complaining about an accident they'd already apologised for.

I am not saying this to be critical, just trying to say how it would have appeared from the other side. If I were her I would have genuinely been stumped for a response for that (and if the daughter were my DS, he'd just have stared at you). Because, something to keep in mind, but you aren't the only socially awkward person out there. Some of us might appear confident but we're often also in our own bubble.

Don't let this get you down but also, don't try to be 'overly friendly' with this woman or whatever you said up thread. Just try to relax, smile, don't overdo anything.

I've never made a proper friend at the school gates, fwiw. It always happens (rarely btw, DS is ASD as well) via playdates or some other similar shared interest of the children. Or volunteering at school activities and meeting other parents that way.

Good luck

The school gates are something to survive not socialise in.

Superficial small talk, no expectation of more. Everybody is a bit stressed and trying to transition their kids to home without a meltdown and having not quite got into the parenting headspace.

Lower your expectations. A few friends at the school gates and few casual playdates is good going.