Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

OP your not alone. I love the fact my school has a drop off where you drive up, kids get out of the car and you drive off - bliss. I also wait in my car until bell goes at pick up so I can get in and out. Iv been mentally so much better since I haven't had to talk to anyone in the playground

I'm sorry this happened to you op. You come across as a really lovely and kind person.

To me, this seems like an unfortunate understanding - as so many disagreements in life are - and neither of you behaved particularly badly imo.

You were hurt, heard the apologies, and stooped down to address the child - fine.

But from the other parent's perspective, there was an accident, there were two genuine apologies that went unacknowledged, and then you stopped down to tell the child that they'd hurt you, which she felt as another telling off.

Your reaction to a normal interaction is unusual and I really do feel for you if it has caused you so much distress. I haven't rtft so it has probably been said already, but I wonder whether some counselling might support you to put social setbacks into perspective and find you some strategies to deal with them.

Now please don’t take this the wrong way but you mention your son has ASD and I wonder if you could have it too? That would explain your anxiety over social situations? If this is the case it might put your mind at rest possibly, because of course you would find social situations more of a struggle through no fault of your own.

I say this because I have to say I do agree with other posters who have said you possibly misjudged the situation ever so slightly. I would probably have rejoined with a ‘oh goodness no worries - it barely touched me’ and a big smile. However, please don’t feel bad - it is so so minor. The mum did probably feel flustered and wrong footed so became defensive.

It might be worth joining some adult groups rather than trying to just talk to the school mums. This way you have time to ‘warm up’ and get to know people at your own pace.

You sound like a lovely lovely person so I’m sending you a huge hug.

The initial incident all sounds like a bit of a misunderstanding.
You said something to the child in a way that was intended to be friendly. As pp have pointed out, it was something that could have been misinterpreted the other way, or maybe the other mum was already in a rush, or maybe she was so embarrassed by the whole thing that she just wanted to get away.

I’d agree it sounds like you’re overthinking it a bit. Odds are the other mum has already forgotten it, she’s almost certainly going to be thinking about it a lot less than you are. I also wouldn’t try to be overly friendly when you see her again - just normally friendly, if that makes sense? Try and carry on as if it never happened.

And also, the school gate situation with the other parents sounds rubbish, but it’s not necessarily because of anything you are (or aren’t) doing.

The other parents may have already been friends before their DC started school, and focusing on chatting to the friends they already have rather than paying attention to people who look a bit left out. It can be really hard to get chatting with people who are already in a friendship group. There’s a lot of parents in DC2’s class like that. They’ll happily make small talk with me if they’re alone, but as soon as one of their mates appears, they’ll be off as quickly as if I’d just told them I had the plague.
Or the other parents may be in a rush and focusing on getting to work or after school activities.
And some people are just more friendly than others. Some people just aren’t interested in making new friends or acquaintances, regardless of how nice the other person might be.

Regardless, the school gates aren’t a great place to make friends IME.

@Soubriquet

Yeah I don’t think you should have said anything to the child

After the mum said “sorry she let go”

That was your opportunity to say “oh no worries! It was an accident. My child is just the same. They are quick little things at this age aren’t they?”

That opens a conversation

Absolutely this! BUT in the moment it’s a lot harder to come up with this response for some people. I would have been awkward about it too OP.

Side note OP, my eldest is year 1 too and I have anxiety too, and it has been really tricky with covid. They’re almost in year 2 and I still feel like a brand new school parent. No idea what is usual dynamic for the school playground, no idea how to do little things like make a school trip payment (never been on one) etc. Signs up saying not to linger and chat at drop off, so how can you make those connections etc. It can really throw you off and stop you feeling settled, which in turn gets you into an anxious state for a little simple thing like the school run. Try not to overthink it OP. It can be hard though

Please don't feel bad. So annoying you did not get to finish what you were saying. I agree that the mum rushed off because she feared her kid was going to get told off, even though you'd never have done that. The best advice I have had about making friends is to 'walk around with a half smile'. I felt a right weirdo doing it at first but I've had people become really friendly and start approaching me more.

Try not to feel bad, as she’s obviously taken it the wrong way. Some mums at schools can be the worst and others can be lovely. I used to take my kids in and go with the occasional hello here n there. Only spoke to some of the mums who my kids were friends with their kids (only a couple) and that wasn’t often either. Please don’t let this get to you!!!

You were not ‘attacked’ or ‘treated like dirt’ in any way. Please don’t read anything into it. You sound quite vulnerable and perhaps oversensitive.

She took it the wrong way it was a bit OTT getting down to her level, she apologised.
School hookups are rare.
I'll have a chat randomly but mostly get there a minute before the bell.
My DS is similar in his dislikes ASD I don't try hookups - it wouldn't go well.

I know, let's leave some nasty comments and make the OP feel worse! How ridiculous some of you are.

Obviously anxiety issues going on here so if you have nothing nice to say, to placate or encourage, move along!!!!

OP this kind of stuff happens to me all the time!!!! It’s so annoying. I would have probably started with ‘ouchee that hurt’ building up to saying- ‘you’re very fast on that scooter- good for you’. But as you got cut off, it comes across like you’re berating the girl. If you’re very worried I’d go to the mum and say ‘I’m sorry i wasn’t trying to guilt trip anyone just awkwardly trying to make conversation- sorry’. Leave it at that. I do think people are very quick to judge. I’d say ‘ouchee’ is friendly and warm and it’s ott to take offence. X

Disappointing lack of empathy with OP. She's explained that she's shy and unconfident, and clearly has anxiety issues too. People often misjudge situations, but to be honest the fact that it was an accident doesn't make it less painful and I think her response was understandable.
To OP - don't beat yourself up, and rise above all the negativity here.

This sounds like my school playground. Some of the mums have never grown up and left that high school cliché mentality. I'm a teacher, you should hear how some of my children's parents speak to me! I'd give them a wide berth if I was you. Do not waste your brain space on this. However much you think about it won't change a thing.

I feel for you having an ASD child, who doesn't like all the things you mention. I found it really hard too. It took a long time for my son to find his niche and his own interests, so I suggest you focus on helping him to do that - he'll then make contacts with other children in his own way. Helping him make friends outside school, as you are doing, is a good idea. From my experience though my son just doesn't need that much real life social contact even now - - on line games are a different matter of course ... Good luck. Easy to say, I know, but try not to take his social status personally; and try to make friendly contact yourself because you think someone else looks friendly in the playground - not because you are trying to make friends for your son.

Honestly, I don’t do play dates, I find them a disaster to coordinate and keep up with if my wee boy has been to theirs more than theirs have been to ours, I cant do them and I usually have nothing in common with the other parents so it feels seriously strained and makes me highly anxious! Poor you, I so know where you are coming from, but honestly, don’t worry about being overly friendly with anyone who doesn’t appreciate you, just be yourself, I can be quite mopey (mh dips) and I just can’t be arsed to talk to anyone some days so I don’t!
I would however advocate for extra curricular activities, football, youth club etc, those are ways your wee one will make more friends and have more social activities rather than play dates which puts you under evident pressure, give yourself a break, you’re doing more than your best, I have no doubt, you and your son are lovely people surround yourself with people who are grateful for YOU. Do an activity for you and that is where you’ll find a person to chat with, don’t worry about the school gate people, they’re maybe just not gona feed your soul anyways

I'd mention it to the DM too.
The school hookup thing is not personal at all to you, it's really tough when you're lonely, many parents are busy in their own circle and don't give it a thought.
Look for some specific ASD centred groups you'll meet Dm's in the same boat it's refreshing.

OMG I can't believe some of the posts you've had! Here is someone who admits to being in a somewhat vulnerable state of mind which can also easily be detected in her post but still people seem to be determined to pile on even more unpleasantness to just make the op feel even worse. I truely hope that none of you work in mental health as you have absolutely no empathy or compassion. I'm really shocked - what happened to "be kind?!" Talk about tipping someone over the edge!!
Op, from one shy person to another I think the way you responded was probably due to feeling awkward which led to you saying the first thing that popped into your head. It wasn't a weird thing to do, you were going to follow up your comment and let the child know that no harm was done. The mother was rude. How was she to know that it wasn't really sore. Any normal person would have checked again to make sure you were really ok.

Because you're not so strong mentally at the moment things often seem worse than they actually are or were so try and put it behind you if you can.
I also think you should congratulate yourself on having managed to make friends with as many mums as you have. The school gate is never easy and when shy the effort of small talk and trying to make friends takes it out of you.

As the mother was so brusque it may be better to leave her be rather than setting yourself for the possibility of more upset by putting yourself out to befriend her.
Hope you can relax a little snd enjoy the rest of the weekend x

Although I think you’re overreacting to this incident, the posters who think it’s awful that you bent down and said something to the child need to get a grip. Diddums somebody said something totally harmless to a child - so what? I’m sure the precious little darling won’t be traumatised for too long!!

Your first paragraph sounds like me 20 years ago. My son has ASD and was a solitary child but happy. I challenged his SEN and managed to get him into an integrated resource unit in a mainstream school where he blossomed and made friends of a like who he still sees. Don’t beat yourself up for trying to do your best. Some of us just don’t have the knack of being chatty. Just do the best you can for your son and he will repay you with love

Please don't make your son feel like he has to make playdates and birthdays and all the crap. I hated it, I still hate it, I will not do it for my kids and they are completely free to go or not go but we are not going ahead with any of that. ASD makes this super hard and it makes one feel like there is something seriously wrong with him if he utterly dislikes these things. It is completely OK to hate these and not to participate, adult or child alike.

Don’t dwell on it. By my experience playground mums are not friends but people in the same situation as you, dropping off and picking up their children from school. Luckily my schooldays are over. Forget it and find friends elsewhere.

She was in a hurry, probs needed to get to swimming or something. Don’t worry about it

Here’s an incident from the other side, I went XC skiing with a friend and our two toddlers, it was an early and big outing for both of us and getting to the point where we got to the mountains, both kids were in the trailer had required several hours, a lot of crying and very upset kids. I wanted to cry and just go home but we did it and got out. The trail we used is also used by an organization that teaches skiiing to adults with additional needs. On the way out, I lightly bumped one of the adults being taught with the trailer, I wasn’t used to pulling it on skis and I immediately apologized profusely. The teacher promptly gave me an earful for bumping someone and made me feel like a completely disgusting person for bumping a person with additional needs. I had already apologized, he could see I had two toddlers who were both screaming and he still had a go. Maybe he didn’t mean to and was making a joke, just like you. I was already feeling dreadful though and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. Point is, you have no idea what the person you’re communicating with is feeling.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not but one of the biggest problems I see with social anxiety is the difficulty understanding what other people are thinking. A tendency to completely over analyse misread and misinterpret what other people think.

This all starts with self confidence, not caring what others think and being happy in yourself and by yourself. If you can work on that you will find people want to approach you and initiate conversation, as someone else upthread said wearing a smile is often the first step.

I am also wondering (like some earlier posters) if you have an ASD too? Lots of parents discover they through the process of their child's diagnosis. It might be helpful to investigate this if you haven't already.