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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

324 replies

Banana7 · 11/06/2021 16:18

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 17:45

@soreenqueen21

I disagree. You can join OP on the wrong becnh.
😂

Ok, if you’ll head to Noddy’s corner.

And I did say I wouldn’t have said what OP said, but I disagree that she was rude.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 11/06/2021 17:46

OP I'm a very socially awkward person, I always say the wrong thing. In the gentlest way, perhaps you didn't need to re-confirm that you'd been hurt AFTER they had apologised. It's really not a big deal, so please don't think about it anymore. The other mum didn't need to be rude, but she was just trying to make her DD feel ok, they had apologised after all. Please put it behind you and move on.

notanothertakeaway · 11/06/2021 17:47

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

You were the weird one. The child apologised to you straight away; didnt even need to be told to by her mum. The mum also then apologised as well. What more did you want?

It's really odd that you knelt down to the child and made a point of telling her it hurt, when you had already said ouch, she heard and apologised.

If you want to make more mum contacts, why didnt you speak to the mum and say, "oh, no worries, very kind of her to apologise." And then you could have asked if the child was in class with yours etc.

Agree with this
GertietheGherkin · 11/06/2021 17:47

@moynomore

The playground mums can be very strange individuals

I don't think it was the other mum who was being strange here though. The OP reacted oddly in my opinion and I would have been embarrassed as the other mum.

Also, I hate so much when "school mums" are grouped together as some sort of special breed or species. Always smacks a bit of internal misogyny IMO.

Trust me I have a large family and have over the years stood in the playground. Seeing situations and incidents go from 0-100 was quite common. It's even stranger when others take umbrage too, and it didn't remotely involve them. They just wanted to be "in" I was happy to just drop my kids off, pick them up, and just smile and nod in passing. 👍
stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 17:50

The amount of people being rude to an OP who has started her OP with ‘i’m not in the best place right now’ is unreal.

You can give advice without calling her rude or weird.

ChangePart1 · 11/06/2021 17:53

@stackemhigh

The amount of people being rude to an OP who has started her OP with ‘i’m not in the best place right now’ is unreal.

You can give advice without calling her rude or weird.

Thing is, OP has clearly got into a mindset where she feels aggrieved and like everyone else is unfair or out to get her, a bit of a victim mentality and ‘poor me I keep trying and nothing works’. I actually think it is more helpful for her to be able to recognise that yeah, she messed up here. This isn’t part of a big picture where everyone is hard work or unwilling to be nice to her. She cocked up, like plenty of us do regularly, and if she can understand that hopefully she’d behave differently in a similar situation next time. I think it’s better to be able to see that the mum reacted that way because OP misstepped, than for it to form another jigsaw piece of a persecution complex...
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 11/06/2021 17:54

@stackemhigh

The amount of people being rude to an OP who has started her OP with ‘i’m not in the best place right now’ is unreal.

You can give advice without calling her rude or weird.

Agree. They sailed straight past that bit in the OP, and straight past all the other responses saying exactly the same thing as them, and decided to put the boot in anyway.
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 11/06/2021 17:56

@ChangePart1 yes, and there's nothing wrong with your reply, but people telling the OP over and over that she's weird is less helpful!

Howshouldibehave · 11/06/2021 17:57

I think it’s better to be able to see that the mum reacted that way because OP misstepped, than for it to form another jigsaw piece of a persecution complex...

This, I completely agree.

The OP did an odd thing and the mum reacted accordingly. It would be pointless and counter-productive for lots of posters to reply saying ‘poor OP, that other mum was so rude’.

criminallyinsane · 11/06/2021 17:58

Well OP - if the playground mums are anything like some of the nasty little bitches on here informing you how 'odd' you are, then run for the hills...

Don't pay heed to any of the comments that make you feel worse, because if they do then that is your criteria to completely ignore then.

Try not to worry too much about what other people think, the truth is that people think about themselves 90% of the time.

Aprilx · 11/06/2021 17:58

This is too trivial to spend your weekend thinking about it. It was pretty much a non event, you certainly were not treated like dirt. To be fair you could have handled it better, but we have all said the wrong thing from time to time, when we do we can go over it in our minds, but it is doubtful anyone else will be.

Livelovebehappy · 11/06/2021 17:59

I get what you’re saying op. You were saying it in a jokey way, and the mother took it the wrong way. Some mothers feel awkward when confronted with their offspring having done something, whether accidental or not. They like to be in a position where they can defend their DCs actions, and her defence mechanism kicked in when you didn’t automatically smile and apologise for being in the child’s way. Don’t give it headspace. You did nothing wrong at all. Flowers

MagpieCastle · 11/06/2021 18:01

It’s easy to over analyse social interactions, especially at the school gates. I wonder if some of the more dismissive comments on here are from people who tend not to overthink these things or who don’t spend too much time soul searching if a convo goes wrong (which is what I wish I’d been like during those awkward drop off/pick ups).

Firstly, the other mum could have been a million things - rushing to somewhere, embarrassed, irritated at something that’s nothing to do with you. Secondly, everyone you see at the school gates is likely to have had some conversation where they’ve had a silent face palm ‘what did I just say’ moment. We’ve all done it.

At the moment you’re caught in a loop where you replay the perceived slight and your own words. It honestly doesn’t help and it’s the social anxiety talking. Your head won’t tell you that it doesn’t matter, but it really doesn’t.

You sound like a lovely mum so try to stop being so hard on yourself. The lovely thing about school gates that I so wish I’d known is that everyone arrives with the weight of the ‘to do’ list of their life and so any interaction, good or bad, really is soon forgotten. Your son will make his own friends and you don’t need to put pressure on yourself by thinking that every interaction between parents is important. In the meantime, watch Motherland and be kind to yourself. Lordy, given my time again I’d so channel Liz.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 18:01

Thing is, OP has clearly got into a mindset where she feels aggrieved and like everyone else is unfair or out to get her, a bit of a victim mentality and ‘poor me I keep trying and nothing works’. I actually think it is more helpful for her to be able to recognise that yeah, she messed up here. This isn’t part of a big picture where everyone is hard work or unwilling to be nice to her. She cocked up, like plenty of us do regularly, and if she can understand that hopefully she’d behave differently in a similar situation next time. I think it’s better to be able to see that the mum reacted that way because OP misstepped, than for it to form another jigsaw piece of a persecution complex...

When I read the OP, I see a woman who recognises all these things are just her feelings. She doesn’t say this is the reality or everyone hates her.

I think OP knows she needs to get past these feelings and has asked for support from Mumsnet because she feels her mental health is deteriorating.

So yes saying she misstepped may help, but telling her she was weird and rude will just drive her off her thread, when she has asked for support.

JellyTumble · 11/06/2021 18:01

@korawick12345

Well you are an adult who was hurt accidentally by a child who apologised, whose parent also apologised and then after that you decided to say 'ouchee that hurt" to the child! It's not really surprising the other parent saw you as making a fuss over nothing.
This. They both apologised and you made another issue out of it.
stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 18:02

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Agree. They sailed straight past that bit in the OP, and straight past all the other responses saying exactly the same thing as them, and decided to put the boot in anyway.

Exactly, many are putting the boot in rather than giving constructive advice.

Cornettoninja · 11/06/2021 18:02

I agree with @ChangePart1, there’s not much value in keeping quiet if other people can clearly see where a social interaction went wrong. It’s one of those unspoken rules that if a child apologies that’s the end of it (and the best you’re going to get). They haven’t got the emotional maturity to deal with an adult making the same point over and over. If the OP had made the comment directed at the mother instead I suspect it would have gone differently and she might have saved the situation.

That said I do agree that posts just name calling are unhelpful though.

TakeMeToKernow · 11/06/2021 18:04

Oh Banana, AIBU was not the right place for support Flowers

It sounds like maybe you could use some RL support for the over-thinking thing and your MH if this is a regular thing for you? Can you try talking to a friend or your GP?

Wolfiefan · 11/06/2021 18:05

OP you need to seek urgent help for your MH if a small incident like this makes you spiral and feel so awful.
They apologised and then you said ouch. They weren’t to know you were then going to say something nice. As far as they were concerned it was a very small incident and a total accident which they had apologised for.

Mumtwoboys90 · 11/06/2021 18:06

it was a bit of a weird thing of you to say id have just said oh no dont worry mine are always doing that too!

eatsleepread · 11/06/2021 18:08

Hi OP. I'm really sorry you feel so affected by this. However I would have left it when they apologised already.

Howshouldibehave · 11/06/2021 18:08

I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class

But as you didn’t, nobody knew you were about to do this.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/06/2021 18:09

It was quite odd to say "ouch, that really hurt" to a child who had just apologised for running into you.
The mother had apologised too! She obviously assumed you were a bit of a diva and couldn't be bothered dealing with you.
There are far better ways of reaching out to new people than this carry on... 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 11/06/2021 18:11

@korawick12345

Well you are an adult who was hurt accidentally by a child who apologised, whose parent also apologised and then after that you decided to say 'ouchee that hurt" to the child! It's not really surprising the other parent saw you as making a fuss over nothing.
This 🖕🏻🖕🏻
sunnyblackwidow · 11/06/2021 18:11

I don't think what you said was weird OP!

The mum handled it badly, some people are so bloody rude. Sometimes they don't even mean to be, they're just oblivious.

Please be gentle to yourself, and don't take it personally People's reactions are often about them and almost never about you. Thanks