Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

OP I know exactly the feeling here. I often makes these remarks and then regret I feel I handled badly. The school gates are so hard. I don’t actually think your relationship with the other mums will make a massive difference to whether or not the children accept your child in to their friendship groups. It tends to not make a massive difference. The kids befriend whoever they want in class.

@disconnected101

OP, I mean this in the most gentle possible way, but have you always experienced social anxiety? Do you think you have form for misreading social cues? I am absolutely not making assumptions here, but since you mention that your child has ASD, do you think you have developed this anxiety on his behalf or is it something you already experienced. I'm speaking as someone who has had major foot-in-mouth disease and made some serious social gaffs over the years but you just have to let it go. I think you're giving the whole thing too much head space. Personally, I couldn't give a shiny shite about making friends with parents at school. That's not why my kids are at school. 6 years in at primary school & I chat to some of the parents at school when I see them but that's it. I appreciate that you want your ds to fit in and have friends but it won't happen because you have made friends with the parents. You can't force or create childhood friendships. & I probably would have been a bit defensive/miffed on behalf of my kid too in the situation you described.

Major foot in mouth!

Oh. I suffered with that too! I’m going to steal that saying. Never heard that before.

@Banana7 Sympathies, the school gates can be a tough place.

I think the problem here boils down to this:

I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and...

Not the injury, not being ignored (you weren't; you got 2 apologies). You had an interaction that you hoped might become more of a conversation, a chance...and your hopes were dashed.

It's so hard. Parents form cliques because their children were born at the same time, or went to nursery together, or because they themselves went to the same local school, or they know each other through work, or they know each other through the extra-curricular activities they take their kids through, or because sub-consciously they recognised they have things in common. Dozens of different reasons. So not everyone is looking at each interaction in the same way as you. They might have "enough" friends, or be in a rush or see the school pick up in a purely utilitarian way.

Your hopes and expectations were dashed. Those feelings (and the disappointment) are yours and really have very little to do with anything external.

I do sympathise with the added stress of trying to support a child with ASN in socialising. I'm in the same situation as you and barely talk to anyone at the school gates. But the reasons are mixed and very few are actually about my child and his needs.

I'm not local, most in the main cliques are.
I moved to the area when my child was already through the nursery stage so we don't have friends from those years.
My son isn't into the common extracurriculars where others are meeting up.
I'm really bad at small talk!
Far far down the list I guess his special needs might be an issue for some but there are bigger, far more obvious reasons.

Roll on high school. I hear its all a bit better then.

I found reception pretty hopeless for making friends as it turned out most of the other parents already knew one another from the playgroup at the school (that I didn't know about) or had older siblings. Eventually I looked for people standing on their own and in the end we formed our own group. So I now know all the immigrants and outsiders and it's great! But it's not easy at first.

Let today go. It sounds like an awkward situation which wasn't handled very skilfully by either of you. Have another go next week

No one is perfect OP, we all sometimes say the wrong thing/something silly/worry we’ve been misinterpreted. I do it all the time. Try your best to not stew on it, it won’t get you anywhere!

What do you men when you say it always costs me ?

OP means she finds it emotionally taxing.

OP there are a lot of people on this thread who don't understand how you are feeling. I think I do as I have been in the same place. Its not about this one instance, its about your mental state as a whole. You are feeling alone and isolated. It takes everything you have to try to go out each day and try to make friendships with people you don't feel a part of. You are doing this for your son to enable him to have friends. But it takes its toll on you and the knockbacks or lack of success you are having causes you to collapse a little inside everyday. You wish you didn't have to go out and face these people but you do. And each day you force yourself to put on a smile and try again. Its hard,. It really is.

I found it easier to make friends outside of the school.

Please don't let this one instance bother you. FWIW I think the mum was a bit rude but then we don't know what was happening in her life either. Put it down to a mutual misunderstanding and try not to dwell on it.

Some counsellling may help you with your thought patterns.

I sometimes feel I live in an entirely different world to people on this site.

you are not weird OP for saying ouch that hurt, I'm presuming you said it in what some are saying "baby voice" to show you were joking. I would not be amused at all if someone crashed into me with a scooter, especially considering I am currently pregnant. you need to be aware of your surroundings and there are people out there who would of said a lot more and a lot worse than ouch.

I'm glad you have had some reassuring responses in amongst the ones saying you were odd.

anxiety is a horrible thing and it does tend to make you catastrophize what a lot of people wouldnt give a second thought to.

@JaffaRaf

They had both already apologised when you said that, the other mum was rude but I don’t think ‘attacked’ ‘stranded’ and ‘treated like dirt’ is really accurate here, and I’m sure she probably didn’t mean for you to feel that way. Sorry you are feeling rubbish OP, but don’t let it ruin your weekend, it was a throw away comment from a rude lady. Hopefully next week will be better.

I agree with this I'm afraid, I think some of your wording here is very dramatic.

The mother and daughter both apologised.

It was an accident, and the mother might have thought you were trying to make the child feel bad by the ouchy comment.

Maybe they were in a rush and had places to be. I wouldn't dwell on it.

You said the wrong thing and the other mother responded probably out of annoyance and embarrassment. Just move on, she's literally a stranger, it doesn't matter.

I remind myself on countless occasions that school isn't about me. It isn't about my ability to make friends. It is solely about my child. If I can sort out playdates from time to time, that's a win. If not, so be it.

This is the best advice. I know it’s tough when you are in the thick of it, but the kids sort their own friendships sooner or later. You really don’t need to get involved. With hindsight, the only lasting friendships I have made through the school years have been with the mums of kids that mine didn’t play with!!

I think the mum may have jumped to conclusions and thought that you were going to berate the little girl again. Honestly, I would just chalk this up to a silly misunderstanding and forget about it. I’m sure the other mum won’t be dwelling on it.

Yabu. Just forget it. God I hated doing the school run.

@Howshouldibehave

I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.

This sounds very melodramatic! How does it always cost you?

I think you can probably guess what OP meant

OP, don't feel bad, just put it down as one of those cringe-worthy moments that no one will remember.

I do think the mum was abrupt given her child actually did hurt you, but given they both apologised, I would just write them off and don't make overtures to the mum again. Who knows, she may approach you again if she realises she was too abrupt.

@soreenqueen21

OP, you were the rude one here, and it might be helpful for you to acknowledge that and then move on. You didn't mean to be and its not a big deal.

I wouldn't have said what OP did, but she wasn't rude. She was hurt and that's all she said, that she was hurt.

I think it was one of those situations that grew larger than it was

I would agree with this.

If I was in this situation with dd I know she would take it to heart massively if an adult reacted to her apologising like you did OP. She’s an anxious, over sensitive child who isn’t very good at judging situations so although I wouldn’t react huffily I would have bristled at your reaction because it was labouring the point unnecessarily, the child heard you say ow and cry out already. My reaction would be based on teaching dd that sometimes you shouldn’t let people make you feel worse than you already do. Basically, I’m trying to teach her how to deal with precisely what you’re struggling with here.

That said I’m a mean mum who doesn’t let her ride her scooter on busy pavements to avoid situations like this at all 🤷‍♀️

@soreenqueen21 without derailing OPs thread too much, someone literally crashed into her, she said ouch initially and then in a jokey voice to the child went ouchie that hurt. the mother then said shes not actually hurt and whisked her daughter away but you're telling OP, who clearly already suffers with anxiety, that she is the rude one??

just because the mum said a quick "sorry" doesnt mean OP is the one in the wrong

@user00002 well said

@soreenqueen21

Yes. I think she was rude. And it won't help her anxiety to fuel her victim complex, at all. Better she can see when she is in the wrong.

But she isn’t wrong, you are. Better you see that.

Honestly OP - posting on AIBU when you're already feeling fragile won't help you feel better.

I would hide this thread now. If you are after support, you could create a different thread in mental health or relationships, talking more generally about your feelings around socialising. You won't get as many replies, but you won't get a pile on either.

[quote user00002]@soreenqueen21 without derailing OPs thread too much, someone literally crashed into her, she said ouch initially and then in a jokey voice to the child went ouchie that hurt. the mother then said shes not actually hurt and whisked her daughter away but you're telling OP, who clearly already suffers with anxiety, that she is the rude one??

just because the mum said a quick "sorry" doesnt mean OP is the one in the wrong[/quote]
But your missing out the bit where the daughter and the mother had both apologised. Crash>ow>two apologies>ow. There was just no need.

Stop trying to be friends with school mums
Stop feeling like you have to chat to anyone at the school gate - you don't have to
Acknowledge that you made that comment to the child in annoyance because it hurt not because you were trying to make conversation.
Lastly, put this out of your mind. It doesn't matter. The woman won't have given you a single thought.

Both the girl and her mum apologised. And instead of accepting the apology or brushing the incident off and moving on you deliberately turned around, bent down and reiterated to the girl that she had hurt you.

That was a really strange and inappropriate thing to do and I don’t blame the other mum for wanting to get away as soon as possible. She wasn’t to know whether you were gonna carry on and lay into her daughter or whether you were going to segue into something else. I’d be a bit wary tbh of you if you’d done that to my son.