Feeling rubbish because of something which happened at the school's gates

[Banana7]

Hi,

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm feeling judged and not liked by other parents in my son's class (Year 1). As a shy and very unconfident woman, I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.
I know about 4/5 mums and we do little things with the children but I always have to force myself to organise play dates and so forth (the offers rarely come from them) . My son is on the spectrum for ASD and finds socialising a struggle at best. He hates playgounfs6, birthday parties, soft plays, all the places where you get to know people. Anyway, I'm trying to get him to be with friends outside of school, and I'd like to be on good terms with more parents.

Tonight, this is what happened and now I'm feeling depressed as I feel I've been attacked, and I don't understand why. I was walking off with my son after school when something hit me hard at the back of my foot. I yelped in pain and turned around "Ouch". This little girl was on her scooter behind me, and apologised. The mum apologised too and said "Sorry, she let go". I saw an opportunity to talk to someone new and bent down to speak to the little girl, and said in a really playful mode "Ouchee, that really hurt"... I was of course going to straight away make a nice comment on her scooter, or ask her if she was in my son's class (she is) but the mum rudely cut me off and walked off, saying to her daughter "She's not hurt, let's go, come on". And that was it. I felt stranded, being treated like dirt and I just didn't know what to do. Of course, I now can't stop thinking about it. I don't want it to ruin my weekend but the way things are at the moment, I'm worried my mental health (already fragile) is going to spiral down. I could really do with some support.

The school gate is a really hard environment to socialise in. I found that I got to know people by having play dates and a quick chat with the other dp when they were picking up their dc. Then they were more inclined to chat at the school gates. Volunteering in the school also helps.

Have you tried bringing your ds to soft play with just one other dc, at a quieter time? This is what I did with ds, so he got used to the soft play centre and found it easier to join birthday parties.

If he’s having a tough time socialising the other dc might not enjoy the play dates so much and that might be why you’re not getting return invitations. But it can be better to keep hosting because you can intervene before things get difficult. And parents can be tempted by the free childcare and encourage their dc to go. My advice is to be generous with the goodies, and provide activities with a strong sensory element and keep asking for play dates.

To have spoken to my year 1 daughter like that, both my daughter and I would have been a little... baffled tbh.

Baby talk.

@Nocutenamesleft

She was defensive of her child. She probably thought you were going to berate her

Just read wrong on both sides. Don’t worry about it. These things happen.

All of this.

Try not to dwell on it op (I know I would if I was in your situation!) It was just a misunderstanding and will be forgotten about come Monday. Dont let it ruin your weekend. I hope you're ok

I agree with Soubriquet . The mum was probably frustrated you decided to make a bigger deal of it. She wasn't to know that you were being light hearted. I think you are being too hard on yourself. It could have been anyone.

You are catastrophising, OP. Your wording is very extreme for such a minor event.

What do you men when you say it always costs me ?

The girl apologised, so did the mum. There is no problem here.

I'm trying really hard when I do school drop and pick up to at least say hi to someone but it always costs me.

This sounds very melodramatic! How does it always cost you?

I think you mishandled it. The mother and child apologised, so you could have then said 'no worries...' and followed up with a chat/friendly question. To get down to the child's level and say what you did instead suggests you are about to tell the child off! I would probably have hurried my child off too, given it was an accident and they'd apologised.

I think you then catastrophised. Nothing this woman did would make most reasonable people feel 'treated like dirt'. Are you looking for reasons to feel insulted?

I don't want to be harsh, and if you were already feeling down I sympathise, but you're reading things into this which most people wouldn't see. It makes me wonder about your other interactions. You say it 'always costs me'. Are all the interactions like that? Could you be getting into a situation where you are expecting bad things to happen, which alters your response, and then they do?

YABU they both apologised and you carried it on. If you were interested in making friends then you’d have said don’t worry about it I’ve been there before etc. But maybe this is a good chance to go up to her and apologise if she took your comment the wrong way and have something ready to say to carry on the conversation which may result in a friendship.

From your OP it sounds like you overthink way too much maybe you have anxiety? Its so hard making friends but I feel like you need to relax a bit and just enjoy going to things that your child likes to do and just start up conversations with whoever else is there. You don’t need to become best friends with them straight away just a quick chat and then if you see them again you chat a bit more and you slowly get to know each other.

I think it was one of those situations that grew larger than it was.

It happens.

Not a good idea to open with "that hurt" but I know it's wasn't done from a place of unkindness. Also the mum was probably embarrassed and your instinct to protect your kids kicks in too.

Practice over the weekend how to rectify it. Just approach the mum and girl and Monday and say "I'm sorry I opened with 'that hurt' on Friday. It was clumsy of me when you'd apologised which was a lovely thing to do." Then ask them what they did at the weekend to move it on.

These things happen. They can happen to anyone and I'm like you - an over thinker - so I'd still be playing it in my mind long after the other Larry has moved on 🤣

Also op please remember that AIBU can be so harsh sometimes.

If I started a thread that said:
AIBU? I was letting dd ride her scooter along a crowded pavement and she crashed into a woman's ankles. The woman had the sheer audacity to say ouch, even after I had called out a quick apology so I hurried dd away. I don't want my dd to think she hurt the woman because that might make her more cautious when she scoots on the pavement in future, and she enjoys it scooting through crowds so much bless her! No-one should ever speak to anyone else's child about their behaviour ever, even when they do it very kindly and they have just been crashed into"

... I would get roasted! 😂

You are over thinking it. Try and not let it get to you.

‘ no worries, love your scooter ‘ and a smile would have been a more friendly response.

I took the op to mean her comment was to try to befriend them and to get chatting to her which was an odd way to go about it, rather than she was genuinely annoyed and wanted to make a point of it but that’s probably how it came across to the mum so...

Total misunderstanding. Don’t overthink it.

how rude of her to decide you're not hurt without even consulting you

I think this too but I think the mum was very embarrassing and wanted to avoid any further confrontation so left quickly.

I wouldn't think any more of it.

Your response to the child and the background information makes me wonder (gently) if you might have ASD traits too?

Very embarrassed not embarrassing

@SquishySquirmy

Also op please remember that AIBU can be so harsh sometimes.

If I started a thread that said:
AIBU? I was letting dd ride her scooter along a crowded pavement and she crashed into a woman's ankles. The woman had the sheer audacity to say ouch, even after I had called out a quick apology so I hurried dd away. I don't want my dd to think she hurt the woman because that might make her more cautious when she scoots on the pavement in future, and she enjoys it scooting through crowds so much bless her! No-one should ever speak to anyone else's child about their behaviour ever, even when they do it very kindly and they have just been crashed into"

... I would get roasted! 😂

Haha exactly, and the mum being cheeky to her as well. Op did nothing wrong because she was more pleasant than most of us would been, being banged in the ankle is actually sore, she wants her kid to piss about on scooters she should go to the bloody park, not outside schools with hundreds of kids and parents trying to get home.

Friday afternoon pick up
I need to leave quickly to pick up my son
And from my son’s school, I want to go straight home and start on their dinner, sorting through kit bags, get them in showers etc.

She was firm and not rude. She didn’t any to stand around talking to someone who spoke to her year 1 child like a 6 month old. She probably just wanted to get moving

In the nicest possible way, you're massively overthinking this. I suspect this is because you're not feeling confident and you're reading way too much into minor interactions which are of no consequence whatsoever. This is a hallmark of depression and low self esteem.

I don't think this incident matters at all. It's an absolute piece of nothing. You didn't handle it brilliantly, neither did the other mum. So what. Everyone misjudges situations. No-one died and it will be forgotten about by all concerned within hours.

When you're feeling generally confident you dismiss this without a second thought and just let it wash over you. The fact that you haven't suggests you are investing far too much into this.

I would suggest spending a bit of time trying to teach yourself how to be less invested in this sort of thing. The less you worry about these interactions, the better you will be at them. I realise this is much harder than it sounds and I think you would benefit from professional help with this.

You don't say much about your life aside from saying you're not feeling confident. Do you have a good network of friends? Do you have a job or hobbies or other things to preoccupy yourself with?

Your response to the child and the background information makes me wonder (gently) if you might have ASD traits too?

Eh?

That mother sounds horrible. If someone had said that I would have apologised over again, not turned it on you.

Anyway, she was odd, defensive and miserable, don't worry about it. You didn't do anything wrong.

OP, I mean this in the most gentle possible way, but have you always experienced social anxiety? Do you think you have form for misreading social cues? I am absolutely not making assumptions here, but since you mention that your child has ASD, do you think you have developed this anxiety on his behalf or is it something you already experienced.
I'm speaking as someone who has had major foot-in-mouth disease and made some serious social gaffs over the years but you just have to let it go.
I think you're giving the whole thing too much head space. Personally, I couldn't give a shiny shite about making friends with parents at school. That's not why my kids are at school. 6 years in at primary school & I chat to some of the parents at school when I see them but that's it. I appreciate that you want your ds to fit in and have friends but it won't happen because you have made friends with the parents. You can't force or create childhood friendships.
& I probably would have been a bit defensive/miffed on behalf of my kid too in the situation you described.

Honestly, you really don't need to measure your worth by what a bunch of strangers at the school gates think of you. The whole idea of 'mum friends' leaves me cold. It'd be better for your mental health and resilience to get out and about, join in new things and go to new places and make real friends whom you have proper things in common with.

You sound like a lovely person who misjudged the situation slightly and ended up with an awkward misunderstanding.

I’d be inclined to catch the Mum on Monday, big smile on your face and say you’re really sorry about today, you’re a bit socially awkward and were going for lighthearted but it kind of misfired. Emphasise that you really weren’t bothered by the bump, these things are to be expected and that you really don’t want her to think you were upset with her DD, she’s a lovely little girl etc, etc.

stop trying so hard and stop overthinking things

That advice is all well and good if these things come naturally, but some of use do have to put a lot of thought into these things in order to come off as normal.

You were the weird one.
The child apologised to you straight away; didnt even need to be told to by her mum. The mum also then apologised as well. What more did you want?

It's really odd that you knelt down to the child and made a point of telling her it hurt, when you had already said ouch, she heard and apologised.

If you want to make more mum contacts, why didnt you speak to the mum and say, "oh, no worries, very kind of her to apologise." And then you could have asked if the child was in class with yours etc.