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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 11/06/2021 17:58

Send out a message saying if you do not respond by midday tomorrow then we will assume you are not attending. Then if you receive no response take that as a no their not that interested in the friendship.

UpTheJunktion · 11/06/2021 17:59

Just ring them up and say 'are you coming or what?'.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/06/2021 18:03

Just ring them up and say 'are you coming or what?'

OP's already contacted them numerous times and been told they'll let her know, but then nothing - not sure what else she's supposed to do

I'm surprised, though, that the thread's not full of people saying "Don't you know folk are BUSY??" It's often what happens, but apparently not this time

Rockbird · 11/06/2021 18:07

I wouldn't even give them a last chance. I'd message something along the lines of "just confirmed final numbers for the catering, how exciting! Really sorry that x, y, z and partners can't make it but we'll catch up when we can" and then never contact them again. Rude bastards.

BorderlineHappy · 11/06/2021 18:13

So these people bitched about being the evening guests at another wedding.
I would say that bride had the measure of them.
And you op gave them a full day and they cant be arsed to reply.

Just ring them and tell them its too late for an answer and invite someone else.

Original poster
LittleNut · 11/06/2021 18:23

@footballmom its just under 8 weeks away now. so getting closer and closer!

@BorderlineHappy yes, pretty much which made me think they'd be happy to be invited to the entire day and even expect an invite to the entire day. I can understand people forgetting to RSVP but after being reminded a few times and me saying we need to confirm numbers, I don't know why they wouldnt reply after that

OP posts:
MRex · 11/06/2021 18:30

I'd say any of us can forget to reply; not responding to the first reminder is rude. Still not responding after 3 reminders with no mitigating factors and I'd have no interest in pursuing friendship further.

ButtonMoonLoon · 11/06/2021 18:45

I’d invite other people tbh and I certainly wouldn’t ask again for them to respond. Time to take the upset hand and make the decision for them.
They have been very rude, and I think I’d make it clear that you aren’t expecting them by sending a generic type message along the lines of
‘We’re sorry that you are unable to attend our wedding but wish you all a happy and healthy summer, hope we can catch up sometime in the Autumn’.
That way it is very clear that you’re not expecting them so you hopefully won’t get any last minute surprises by them turning up.

bigbluecup · 11/06/2021 18:46

I cannot begin to imagine true friends who don’t bother to rsvp to a wedding less than 8 weeks away. It’s rude. One reminder if they’re just busy and it slipped their mind is understandable, but 3 couples with multiple reminders. I’m not sure I could continue to be friends with them whatever happened. I’d probably just leave it, invite someone else who will gladly accept the invite, and if it’s brought up before the wedding just say to them that you’re sorry they can’t make it

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/06/2021 18:48

OP, big girl pants on. Ring them now. Get it over and done with. Stop trying to second guess them, with only eight weeks to go you're not being unreasonable. If they try to prevaricate, tell them you need to let the caterers know tomorrow.

Pick up the phone and do it!

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 18:54

OP,
They are unbelievably rude.

I think this is why RSVP's have a by date.

No confusion.

They are SO rude.

sixthtimelucky · 11/06/2021 18:54

SO fucking rude of them!

It is the easiest thing on earth to make up an excuse to not go to a wedding if that's why they're not responding: 'So sorry we can't make it/we're away that weekend have a great time'.

No way would I phone them, I'd just give them a few more days (until you 100% need to know) then mark them as not coming. I would definitely not bother contacting them again.

Whitchurch · 11/06/2021 19:00

Email them all individually.

"Hi, just to let you know that as you haven't replied to the wedding invite I'm assuming you aren't able to be there. Have reduced catering numbers accordingly".
If anyone comes back saying that they are planning to come - honestly I would tell them it's too late. You decided to invite others in their place. They are being rude shits.

bridgetreilly · 11/06/2021 19:02

It's a bit late but this is why it's always worth including a 'reply by' date and making it very clear that no reply will be treated as a no.

viques · 11/06/2021 19:06

@Feedingthebirds1

OP, big girl pants on. Ring them now. Get it over and done with. Stop trying to second guess them, with only eight weeks to go you're not being unreasonable. If they try to prevaricate, tell them you need to let the caterers know tomorrow.

Pick up the phone and do it!

The problem with this is that people who can’t be arsed to RSVP when faced with the OP on the phone might take the easy way out and say “ OP, so sorry, it’s been manic here, of course we want to come to the wedding, put us down for one chicken and one vegetarian”

But actually have no intention of coming and will be no shows, meaning the OP has wasted invitations / money on uneaten meals.

They had their chance, they blew it.

Sweettea1 · 11/06/2021 19:16

1 more message saying if they haven't rsvp by the end off the day you will take that as not coming and won't put them down for meals.

DulseSeaweed · 11/06/2021 19:17

They're being incredibly rude. Not you. I'd replace them or save yourself some cash!!

headintheproverbial · 11/06/2021 19:28

Can your bridesmaids send a bit of a stronger - WTAF message to one or all of the group?

Clangerschick · 11/06/2021 19:33

No they’re not coming.
Make the decision for the rude gits yourself and let them know you don’t want anyone who thinks so little of you at your wedding.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/06/2021 19:41

I think it’s shit, but for long-standing friendships, I might send a final, very direct message saying ‘Right, I keep asking, and I know everyone is busy, but I HAVE to confirm with the caterers by X date. Beyond that I can’t make any changes. Please let me know one way or the other, or I’ll have to assume you’re not coming’.

If they get arsey about being chased, tell them it’s not a house party where you can buy a couple of extra tubes of Pringles if extra people turn up - it’s your wedding.

ThisMarleyIsNotALabrador · 11/06/2021 19:58

They have no intention of attending your wedding OP.

Just send a general text to all invitees, “Thank you so much to all who have confirmed their attendance on x date. Catering is now all sorted. We can’t wait to see you all on our big day”.

Then leave it.

FierceBarrie · 11/06/2021 20:07

I’m not sure why people kept suggesting you send ‘one more message’.

You’ve sent several messages now, and none of them have yielded results.

You need to call them. I feel fairly certain they’re planning to come.

A quick phone call to each outstanding invitation will close this down once and for all, and probably leave you feeling a lot better about the situation.

Holly60 · 11/06/2021 20:19

Another vote for giving them an ‘opt in’ now. ‘Hi guys, as I’ve not heard from you i assume you aren’t able to make it. If you are able to make it, please let me know tonight so I can let the caterers know’ and then speak to your bridesmaids and get them to uninvite them from the hen do. They are so rude!

DaphneDuBois · 11/06/2021 20:24

At this point I’d write them off (simply for plain rudeness and lack of enthusiasm) and if there’s any indignation about this tell them you gave them ample warning and had to finalise numbers for the catering etc. Your special day should be reserved for people who really want to share it with you. Life’s too short for putting up with hassle created by rude / thoughtless / flaky people IMO so carry on making happy plans without them.

MintyMabel · 11/06/2021 22:05

Have you phoned them yet? Seems like the simplest solution.