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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:
notacooldad · 11/06/2021 22:10

Dear friend what the fuck are you playing at. Are you waiting to see if you get a better offer nearer the time? If so fuck right off now because I'm not interested in you anymore!
Not really but that would go through my head before I posted one of the more diplomatic replies suggested!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/06/2021 03:01

I’m not sure why people kept suggesting you send ‘one more message’.

It’s just that - a suggestion. If the OP chooses to ignore said suggestion and tell them to go fuck themselves instead, that’s up to her.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I suggested one final message because a) they’ve been friends for years, and for the OP to be this worried/upset suggests she still cares and b) previous messages have said ‘ASAP’ or similar - a hard cut-off date night produce better results.

FierceBarrie · 12/06/2021 05:18

I think you’ve missed my point. I’m not suggesting she tells her friends to fuck off - far from it (people are being ridiculous suggesting that).

I’m saying messaging is her nowhere fast.

Call them!

It seems so obvious.

3Britnee · 12/06/2021 06:25

I'd uninvite them. They've been chased several times, I wouldn't bother giving them another deadline. Make the decision for them.

Blueskytoday06 · 12/06/2021 06:28

I wouldn't bother chasing again - it looks like you're begging for them to attend. I think after the initial invite plus 3 reminders, you have your answer.

4fingerKitKat · 12/06/2021 06:43

Are they going to have to travel/find accommodation OP or is it local? (Ie can they literally just say yes or no if they’re free that day or do they have to make more specific arrangements?)

I think I’d give them a final chance - make at easy as possible and copy the details of the wedding (date, venue, time etc) into the WhatsApp chat and just “say you can let me know via WhatsApp, I don’t need a formal RSVP, I just need the numbers”. And give them a cut off date.

Have they been generally positive/nice about the wedding? In my friendship groups I know people getting married and we’re not invited to the wedding but we are still asking Qs about how the wedding prep is going etc? It does seem rude to have had an invite and but seem generally disinterested!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 12/06/2021 06:57

No final chances from me. If it was one person I'd assume there was something significant going on in their lives and cut them some slack, but this is half the friendship group. I'd be hurt by their thoughtlessness and annoyed that they'd ignored reminders. I'd send a polite message saying that you'll assume non-attendance if you don't hear by a certain date and cut them all off.

Straighttalking1 · 12/06/2021 09:18

You've reminded them several times, you say they're educated. Therefore they understand why you need to know numbers now. Forget them, spend less money and give those who did respond a quality time. This is about respect and if this who didn't respond don't haven't the decency to come back to you, they don't deserve to share your special day with you. Save your money sis, put it into the honeymoon. I see it as rude and disrespectful.

eatsleepread · 12/06/2021 09:22

How incredibly rude of them. Not okay at all.

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2021 10:05

Phone them, stop pissing about with messages. Tell them you don’t mind either way, but no way would I want to fork out for people who might not turn up.

thegcatsmother · 12/06/2021 10:08

Not hard to send an MRU (much regrets, unable) message or card surely?

Notonthestairs · 12/06/2021 10:40

I think if they've ignored the RSVP date I'd assume that they weren't coming.

I agree with the suggestion to send a message to say thanks for those who have RSVPed, catering sorted, looking forward to seeing those who can make it.

And leave it there. They have had loads of chances.

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 12/06/2021 17:43

I had this issue and to be honest, thinking back, there’s so many things I wish I had done different…. Like halved the guest list!!! Give them another date, say a week and say if you don’t hear anything from them, then you’ll have no choice but to assume they can’t make it and if they change their minds after that then they can bring a chair and a sandwich. Sod them, you have better things to worry about! Another thing I wish I had done different at my own wedding!!!

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 12/06/2021 17:50

Perhaps message them and say 'So sorry you're unable to make the wedding but so pleased I'll get to see you on the hen do'

That should prompt a response!

lucybluebella26 · 12/06/2021 17:56

Assume they're not coming. An rsvp has a date for a reason, they knew the date and haven't bothered. If I was in your position, I'd follow up with a 'seeing as we haven't recieved a response, if you do plan on attending please bring a sandwich and a chair.
Should be passive aggressive enough that these so called friends get the hint.
Sorry OP.

peppermintpat · 12/06/2021 18:06

They ain't coming. Move along and replace them with others.

debbiewest0 · 12/06/2021 18:06

Any update OP? Did you ring them? I think the phone call is the best option so they can chat about it in case they’re struggling to find a hotel room or suchlike.

Lilly24 · 12/06/2021 18:09

How old are these people? That's so rude :/ My friend is doing a baby shower for me and one of my friends has said they won't know until closer to the time if they can come or not (they're the only one with kids so far so will obviously depend on childcare) but it's not like she's ignored me so it's fine. I don't understand why they'd not at least be able to say something like that if there's a reason...

Diva66 · 12/06/2021 18:27

I’d just send them a message saying “Sorry you can’t make my wedding” and get on with planning without them included.

Galdos · 12/06/2021 18:29

Very impolite and inconsiderate. Not read the whole thread, but message the silent and say assume not coming, not catering for them, hope to see them some time after the event ...(or not).

socalledfriend · 12/06/2021 18:39

YANBU but your follow up messages were a bit tepid.

I would have messaged saying something like "We need to know for sure by X date. If you haven't RSVPd by then we will assume you are not coming and will invite other guests to join us."

CeCeDrake · 12/06/2021 18:50

Yeah, so we had this a few months back - pandemic wedding so very limited and if people didn’t want to come it meant we could ask more so I was eager to hear if people weren’t coming.
I would literally text them all saying, look please do not feel under pressure to come, we obviously would love you there but if you can or cannot make it just let me know so I can let the hotel know for catering asap

BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 18:58

OP I hope you get responses soon either way... I agree its so very rude of them 🌸

mathanxiety · 12/06/2021 18:58

Send a final email saying, 'If no response by [two days time], we'll assume you're not able to make it. We'll miss you'.

If no response, phone them the next day. This is because people this rude are likely to turn up even if they haven't responded.

When you phone, tell them you need a yes or a no right there on the spot, and if they're still saying maybe tell them you're sorry, but you're sending your final numbers to the vendors that day and it has to be yes or no.

Blackcat333 · 12/06/2021 19:16

Wow, you are giving these people far too much of your time. Do they treat you like this all the time for other get togethers? I would put a post of fb saying: Thank you so much for the people who have responded to our wedding invite, we can't wait to celebrate our special day with you. As there are less people coming than we invited, we will be able to buy more champagne 🥂. To those people who graciously responded saying that they couldn't come, we will obviously catch up another time. To those who couldn't be arsed to get back to us, don't worry yourselves, more champagne for us! 😁