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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to move out...

240 replies

pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:09

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

OP posts:
Tlollj · 10/06/2021 15:12

Yeah you’re not wrong. It’s time for her to move back and try to manage in her own. No reason why she can’t come round and visit more often than they both did. How you’re going to tell her though that’s the problem.

jellybeansforbreakfast · 10/06/2021 15:13

You could tell your DH that he is being daft and she needs to be getting on with her own life as much as the two of you do.

Alternatively pack yourself a bag - she has an empty house you can stay in!

But you can't carry on as you are, that sounds utterly untenable

Justmuddlingalong · 10/06/2021 15:13

Suggest to your DH that as she's so settled, you might as well move into her house alone.

Holly60 · 10/06/2021 15:15

YANBU! Could you suggest she moves a bit closer, but not WITH you?

PercyPiginaWig · 10/06/2021 15:16

YANBU at all.

It's a shame (but understandable given the sad circumstances) that there was no moving out date agreed initially but it needs to be done now.

Tell DH you will broach it this weekend with a view to helping MIL move back home.
You could soften the blow by inviting her to stay the occasional night but do not get into any set patterns.

MIL needs to be helped to rebuild her new life, is age in contact with her friends?
Or any bereavement support. Depending on how FIL died there may be support groups particular to an illness.

Your DH has lost his dad too, perhaps he's been having comfort in having his mum close by but it's not good for either of them longer term.

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2021 15:17

YANBU not to want to make the current situation permanent no matter how nice and helpful she is being. But as she is being kind and helpful it would be good to handle things sensitively. It does sound like she has no intention of moving out, or quite possibly is scared at the thought of being lonely or living alone.

Ideally you and your dh would present a united front - does he really want her to live with your or is he sticking his head in the sand and hoping that the situation resolves itself? If you can agree then you can start the conversation with a timescale - it may be that your MiL doesnt want to go back to that house but would rather sell or needs some support in clearing away her dh's effects. But you wont know until you can talk to her about it.

Original poster
pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:18

@jellybeansforbreakfast

Alternatively pack yourself a bag - she has an empty house you can stay in!

Yeah, well... watch this space 🤣

@Holly60

Could you suggest she moves a bit closer, but not WITH you?

Her house is 30 minutes away. Not sure how much closer she would expect to be (other than living with us)

OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 10/06/2021 15:18

Yabu to say you feel redundant as a wife and mother.

Yanbu to tell DH that she needs to move out.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2021 15:19

I feel for you and feel for her, too. She sounds lovely and as though she's frightened of going back home and being lonely there. How old is she?

LaurieFairyCake · 10/06/2021 15:20

Think of the money you're saving with her cleaning and cooking

Capitalise on the babysitting and go and shag your dh in a hotel Grin

You could make the most of this and go to a travel lodge, out to dinner every week, cinema at night ....

katy1213 · 10/06/2021 15:26

If all else fails, a few nights of loud shrieky sex might get rid of her. Faster, faster, harder, ooohh ... then at breakfast, ask if she slept well, with a meaningful wink. Maybe mention that the sheets need changing? She'll be back to Emmerdale and cocoa before you know it!

Waspsarearseholes · 10/06/2021 15:26

Yes, as lovely as she is, she needs to go home. The longer she stays with you, the harder it will be for her to manage in her own home. It's going to be a really tricky conversation to have and I expect she will be upset about it or embarrassed at the thought of outstaying her welcome, but she needs to go back to her own house. Could you ask her to go home at weekends first, then extend it to most of the time?

Original poster
pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:28

@HollowTalk

I feel for you and feel for her, too. She sounds lovely and as though she's frightened of going back home and being lonely there. How old is she?
@HollowTalk

She’s 60.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 10/06/2021 15:29

Can you focus on the practicalities? Say something about her building and contents insurance if her house is unoccupied rather than get into an emotional discussion.

GameSetMatch · 10/06/2021 15:29

I’d bring up selling her house and ask whether she wants to move closer or stay in her old area, this will force a conversation.

starfishmummy · 10/06/2021 15:30

I wonder if she thinks she has become an essential part of the household? Helping with the DC, cooking, cleaning etc. Perhaps she wants to leave but thinks you need her?

HollowTalk · 10/06/2021 15:31

So if she's 60 she's far too young to be looking at retirement homes etc. She may well want a change of home, though, now that she's on her own.

Does she still work? What about friends in her home area?

Mummytomylittlegirl · 10/06/2021 15:32

I don’t think it’s doing her any favours for her to live with you much longer. She definitely needs to start building her own life and independence.

I think you just need to be honest, it’s time for her to go!

twiggytwoo · 10/06/2021 15:33

Ugh 60 is young! Yes it will be hard for her but the sooner she does it the better - otherwise she could be on your hands for the next 30 years!!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/06/2021 15:34

Act now. You could have another 30 years of that. 60 is still “young”, your MIL could even meet someone in the future.

Beamur · 10/06/2021 15:35

A gentle but honest conversation needs to be had. She is outstaying her welcome.
How would you feel about her going home but still staying over with you maybe 1 or 2 nights a week?
I'm amazed you've left it this long. Your DH needs to instigate this.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2021 15:35

Perhaps start to talk about life after lockdown ends. Might she want to live nearer so that she can see the GC more frequently etc but still be independent? Does she have any hobbies? She'll be very aware that she's overstaying her welcome - anyone would be - and she's being great in helping out so much in compensation. She needs to forge a new life - you need to talk to her about her plans for her other house, whether she still wants to live there etc.

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/06/2021 15:37

She's only 60? She's not elderly. Pension age is now 67! she needs to get a life of her own, and stop hijacking yours.

trilbydoll · 10/06/2021 15:37

DH's grandma had a neighbour who's daughter had twins. She ended up going round from 7am-7pm every day, convinced they needed her and couldn't manage without her even for a minute. It was very hard for them to persuade her that they would be fine on their own! So there is a chance your MIL is in the same mindset, how will you cope without her.

I think asking her what she's planning to do is the first step. And if she says she doesn't want to go home, then you say okay no worries, I'll move into your house and you can live here with DH Grin

Bluetrews25 · 10/06/2021 15:37

In hindsight, DH moving in with her for a couple of nights would have been better. Then he could leave. Why not suggest that he and MIL go back to hers to stay on fri / sat, then he comes home after he's had the one night there?
60 is not old, why would she not be able to cope?
There will always be that first night alone, and she needs to start getting used to her new normal.