To ask MIL to move out...

[pip16]

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you

Don’t be so silly.

YANBU to want your home and time to yourself / selves as a couple and family. The thought of my MIL being in my home for more than 48h makes me consider sticking pins in my eyes, she means well but is unbearable after two days.

Good luck, and in the meantime just move into hers :)

If I were in this situation I would offer her to stay a few nights or a couple of nights a week, ease her into it a bit.

You might also find that you like the support a couple of days a week and it helps you manage better.

Say that it won't necessarily be forever but you're happy to help her adjust and very grateful for her help to date.

[quote pip16]@HollowTalk

Does she still work? What about friends in her home area?

Now he doesn’t work. Our house Is only 30 minutes from hers so not too far away.
She occasionally goes to meet her friend for a coffee but most of her friends were “couple” friends and she’s mentioned she doesn’t feel up to seeing them without her DH. ☹️[/quote]
My Mum was very surprised at how many of their 'couple' friends didn't invite her to stuff once my Dad died - or very rarely.

I think it would be more than reasonable to say that you understand it's tough, but it's important that you both have your own front door. 30 mins is quite a distance; she could perhaps find a property closer to you. That would perhaps encourage her and give her a project to work on, which would help fill her time. And she'd be close enough to help out occasionally!

She sounds like a nice MIL, so I suggest you should be as honest with her as you have been with us. Don't skirt around it, respect her enough to be honest face to face with her. Say that it has been lovely having her, you love the relationship she has built with your DC and she's been a great guest and a great help, but for the long term, you want to feel again that you have your space and autonomy over your own home back. That really does sound totally reasonable. Have DH there when you deliver the news but you say it. She may be upset at first but if she is as reasonable as you have described her, she will see it and your long term relationship shouldn't suffer. She has to tackle life on her own at some stage and may feel strong enough to do that now.

[quote Subbaxeo]@perseverancepays

Humanity pants? I think you need to pull up your own.[/quote]
Here is a close family member who is at a massive crossroads in her life and no one is talking to her. Did she have a career? Did she work part time to accommodate her family? Has she spent her whole life caring for others? Does anybody know anything about her? Do we as randoms on the Internet, does her son or daughter in law? Seems not.
She comes over as a sad shadow of a woman desperately cleaning and cooking while people giggle over having noisy sex might embarrass her enough to move out. No conversation needed then. Like I said, where’s your humanity people? Shame on the lot of you.
I’m fuming on her behalf. 💐 For the widow. She can come and stay with us.

[quote pip16]@jellybeansforbreakfast

Alternatively pack yourself a bag - she has an empty house you can stay in!

Yeah, well... watch this space 🤣

@Holly60

Could you suggest she moves a bit closer, but not WITH you?

Her house is 30 minutes away. Not sure how much closer she would expect to be (other than living with us)[/quote]
30 minutes really isnt that close, when I was little my mam helped move FIL next door so we where neighbors.

I don’t think it’s doing her any favours for her to live with you much longer. She definitely needs to start building her own life and independence.

Totally this. I get that her world has turned upside down, but you need your house and life back.

OP hasn't posted for a month. I wonder if MIL is still there?

@nonetcurtains

OP hasn't posted for a month. I wonder if MIL is still there?

I missed it was an older thread. There should be a temporary ban for people who revive threads like this unless they are the OP!

@PerseverancePays "Here is a close family member who is at a massive crossroads in her life and no one is talking to her. Did she have a career? Did she work part time to accommodate her family? Has she spent her whole life caring for others? Does anybody know anything about her? Do we as randoms on the Internet, does her son or daughter in law? Seems not.
She comes over as a sad shadow of a woman desperately cleaning and cooking while people giggle over having noisy sex might embarrass her enough to move out. No conversation needed then. Like I said, where’s your humanity people? Shame on the lot of you.
I’m fuming on her behalf. 💐 For the widow. She can come and stay with us."

This...:(

Has anybody else had the thought that maybe MIL wants to return to her own home but doesn't want to bring the subject up in case it upsets her family . I think you just need to sit down and have a conversation with her over a cup of tea .
What are your plans for the future mum? Are you thinking of going home or would you prefer us to help you find somewhere nearer to us ? Let us know how to help you . That's an opening as to how she is feeling without pushing her out.
Good luck .
Ps . I was widowed at 54 and had no need to live with family but 3 years later I sold my house and bought one with my DD and SIL due to my DD constant nagging . I don't regret it , we all have our space .

[quote BosseFave]@PerseverancePays "Here is a close family member who is at a massive crossroads in her life and no one is talking to her. Did she have a career? Did she work part time to accommodate her family? Has she spent her whole life caring for others? Does anybody know anything about her? Do we as randoms on the Internet, does her son or daughter in law? Seems not.
She comes over as a sad shadow of a woman desperately cleaning and cooking while people giggle over having noisy sex might embarrass her enough to move out. No conversation needed then. Like I said, where’s your humanity people? Shame on the lot of you.
I’m fuming on her behalf. 💐 For the widow. She can come and stay with us."

This...:([/quote]
Oh, for heaven's sake.

Some people on here are deliberately contrary and appear to have no reading comprehension skills at all.

Cop yourselves on.

Any update OP?

I think I’d say something like this:

“It’s been lovely having you to stay, MIL, and we really appreciate everything you’ve done for us while you’ve been here. We’d love to return the favour and help you get your place sorted over the next couple of weekends ready for you to move back into. I expect you’ll be wanting to get settled again.”

That way you’re phrasing it like you’re helping her (which you would be) not kicking her out.