To ask MIL to move out...

[pip16]

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

How is she doing, though?

Is she coping with her bereavement or is she busying herself with Being Helpful to you?

Does she need to consider grief counselling? Life has to go on, and a sudden death is very shocking, maybe she needs some help to pull her life back together.

I'd frame it as being of concern for her rather than "we need space". Which you do.

I think your husband sounds like a very disrespectful, selfish man towards you.

Awful for your MIL, but 5 months is ridiculous.

You need to toughen up because you clearly come last in your house.

I think your husband is a complete CF to think this is acceptable and to answer you the way he did when you brought it up.

🙄

Yeah maybe over dinner suggest that she sells her home to buy somewhere a bit closer. This will show you want her to leave, without making her think you don't want her around at all.

I don't think that 60 is too young for retirement villages. There are people in their late 50s in my DMs and mainly because they like the thought of being in a community.

Maybe suggest having a look at a couple of local ones?

Or suggest that she goes goes home for a couple of nights but takes DH with her if he's not willing to talk to her?

You have the most proper reasons imaginable. Wanting your marriage back, needing your space back. You've been very generous already. Nothing to feel guilty for here.

While it is a lovely thing you have done for your MIL it does start to become a risk after so long. She has gone from living with FIL to living with you, no adjustment to being on her own. For her own good she needs to start spending one night a week in her own home and then start to build up to two nights then three etc or she will never move out.

@billy1966

I think your husband sounds like a very disrespectful, selfish man towards you.

Awful for your MIL, but 5 months is ridiculous.

You need to toughen up because you clearly come last in your house.

I think your husband is a complete CF to think this is acceptable and to answer you the way he did when you brought it up.

🙄

You do realise that the DH has lost his father suddenly and at a relatively young age, and will be grieving too?

6 months is a long time to have your MIL to stay, but it's a short time to adjust to the loss of a parent. Having lost one, he is probably struggling with setting boundaries with the other. Maybe he is consoled by having her around, and doesn't actually want her to leave? He needs to step up and put the OP first, but have a little empathy for why he might be finding it hard.

Did you consider getting a granny flat annex built on to your home? You would still benefit from all the help except MIL cooks her own food,sleeps in her own place and without sounding awful when she has passed on you have a nice extension you could rent out in a few years?.If the small extension is done correctly of course and you even rent to a single person the money could mean you being able to cut back on hours at work.I know you only have one baby but if you have more and with school runs etc it will be very handy to have MIL there to pop in.,the list us endless really but just think about it.
Mother in laws can also be extremely difficult people to deal with and just because she is nice now doesn't mean she won't change but if your husband is an only child I'd say you will be grand with her.The real problems with MIL happens if your husband has toxic brother's and sister's and they could get extremely jealous if you went with this arrangement of a granny flat, thats why everything has to be done right from the very start

60 😱 OMG she needs to get on with her own life now .

You don’t need to make any suggestions. You need to have a conversation with her fgs. It doesn’t sound like you know much about her state of mind. Just talk to her, every day, and you’ll soon know why she hasn’t gone home and only then will you be able to explore solutions.
She’s the person that brought up your husband not an unwanted parcel.
Pull up your humanity pants the pair of you .

I’m an unexpected widow of six months and about 5 years younger than your MIL. As other posters have suggested she needs to be gently moved out. Yes, it’s shit sometimes on your own but life does and has to go on. Admittedly my kids are younger and student DS has been around a lot, but there’s no way I would get them to compromise their lives to accommodate me. Your MIL has to learn to be on her own now.

I don’t know why you mentioned she is uncomfortable with “couples” friends. Some of my friends have been lovely, inviting me or coming round for kitchen suppers/casual telly nights, or drinking gin in the garden. Maybe if she moves back she can initiate contact again by inviting them round and hopefully they’ll take the hint and start including her again.

And I’ve kept up other interests from before - book club, some campaigning work, gradually getting back into choral singing as lockdown eases. Does MIL have any interests that can be encouraged?

And for the rest of the time, it’s me and Netflix!

YANBU at all for wanting your house/space back, but I simultaneously feel really sad for MIL. I suspect she’s desperately trying to be useful so you ask her to stay as I can imagine the prospect of returning home is very scary and depressing for her.

My Gran lived with us from as early as I can remember. My parents eventually bought a house with a small granny annexe (before that they set her up in a “bed sit” type arrangement where she had her own bedroom/lounge and shared kitchen/bathroom so everyone had a bit of space). It was great as she was always there so she didn’t feel lonely, and my sisters and I just adored her. Perhaps moving forward she could sell her place and you extend yours or move. Or she could buy a place just down the road? Big suggestions I know, and not for everyone, but really worked for my family.

I do have genuine empathy for him but he could do with having a little empathy for his wife who has accepted his mother living with them for 5 months while she is on Mat leave.

I think the OP deserves a little empathy too, especially after being so accommodating for 5 months.

She could certainly do with a little empathy from her husband who completely dismissed her natural wish to have her home back.

He's being very dismissive of his wife and a CF to move his mother in and think his wife has to suck it up, in her OWN home.

As others have suggested, an apartment in a retirement village might be a good solution?

My dad died in his late fifties and mum stayed in the family home for a few years but she was clearly very lonely, despite being an outgoing person. She kept herself busy with gardening etc. but didn’t really see people.

My sister and I persuaded her to consider moving to a retirement village and eventually she did. I remember her phoning me after about a week and she was laughing and complaining about why didn’t she move there sooner.

She really loved living there. Her apartment had a new kitchen/bathroom, freshly painted etc. It was lovely. She was even allowed to take her elderly cat too. She made new friends and got involved in lots of outings and activities and even her older sister moved to the same village after a couple of years.

My sister and I said after she died that if we were left widowed, we’d consider doing the same thing.

@Geriatric1234

YANBU at all for wanting your house/space back, but I simultaneously feel really sad for MIL. I suspect she’s desperately trying to be useful so you ask her to stay as I can imagine the prospect of returning home is very scary and depressing for her.

My Gran lived with us from as early as I can remember. My parents eventually bought a house with a small granny annexe (before that they set her up in a “bed sit” type arrangement where she had her own bedroom/lounge and shared kitchen/bathroom so everyone had a bit of space). It was great as she was always there so she didn’t feel lonely, and my sisters and I just adored her. Perhaps moving forward she could sell her place and you extend yours or move. Or she could buy a place just down the road? Big suggestions I know, and not for everyone, but really worked for my family.

Are you married and living with your MIL now?

@PerseverancePays

You don’t need to make any suggestions. You need to have a conversation with her fgs. It doesn’t sound like you know much about her state of mind. Just talk to her, every day, and you’ll soon know why she hasn’t gone home and only then will you be able to explore solutions. She’s the person that brought up your husband not an unwanted parcel. Pull up your humanity pants the pair of you .

That's very harsh.

i'm only slightly younger than the MIL, and would be horrified if someone suggested i moved to an old people's home. Why would i want to mix with people who are 20+ years older than me just because my husband had died? I'm sure many of them are lovely and have led interesting lives but this just seems a way of making a younger person age more quickly.

Do you plan to have more kids OP? My grandparents lived 5 min walk away and they were extremely supportive. Grandpa died when I was 5. Then my twin siblings came along. Grandma was a HUGE support. School drop offs, pick ups, sick days, parent meetings, after school clubs - she was there! My parents still say they owe their careers to her. In her later years, she was in and out of hospital and we all looked after her. She never went to a care home. Because your MIL is otherwise being so nice, may be you could keep the future in mind before you push her away now. Nice inlaws are a rare thing OP. Id kill for MIL like yours! Mine are VILE!! I’m not saying you should keep her in your house. I urge you to think carefully and be a bit more patient. Moving her into your neighbourhood and establish some gentle but firm boundaries can be extremely mutually beneficial in the long run.

maybe you could do gradually, half week at her home, half week at yours . the days when you need help would be good.

@perseverancepays

Humanity pants? I think you need to pull up your own.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Needing your privacy, is a proper reason.

It upsetting your wife, is a proper reason.

Overstaying your welcome, is a proper reason

The fact it is affecting your relationship and starting to build up resentment, is a proper reason.

How many reasons does he want?

The man is gutless and isn't putting you first. He has a responsibility to his mother, but shes a grown woman too, and you need your space.

He need to sort his shit out.

5 years down the line, imagine your kids having a movie afternoon with popcorn at grandmas on a weekend while you and your DH spend quality time with each other! Your MIL wants to be a part of your family OP. She wants to be useful. Let her be useful without coming in your way.

Remember to return the favour. She will need your support in her later years.

Married but not living with MIL. DH and I have plans to have FILs/MILs with us in future in some sort of privacy/space preserved way, but I appreciate its very personal and depends on lots of factors. There is no one-size fits all outcome here. It may even be healthier for OP’s MIL to go home.

I certainly don’t think OP is being unreasonable at all. She is absolutely entitled to have her home back how she wants and should not have a situation forced on her, so hope I didn’t sound like I was implying anything else. Just throwing options around MN style!

Is she beginning to build a new life away from you at all?

Could you suggest that she meets a friend for much one day or starts to have a look at the local groups on offer?

If she just moves back to hers with no plan of how to fill her days, it's going to be an awful shock.

I'd maybe suggest a PT job or some volunteering. You haven't said how DFIL died, but maybe she could do some work or volunteering linked to that?

@Pixxie7

Have you posted about this before?

It’s an oldish thread.