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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to move out...

240 replies

pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:09

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

OP posts:
FlorrieLindley · 10/06/2021 15:39

60!!! I thought you were going to say 75 or something!
She's still got a lot of living to do, and could be with you for the next 30+ years if you let this go on.
Doesn't she have friends back where she lives? Pursuits? Interests?
She is making herself indispensable to you so that you will not ask her to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2021 15:39

Your husband needs to be told very clearly that this current arrangement is going to kill your marriage. There is no reason on earth she should be living with you as things stand, and unfortunately it's gone on far too long now, so this is going to be a nightmare to undo.

TigerTulip · 10/06/2021 15:41

I think I'd let it get to six months (a decent period following a loss) before suggesting (in front of dh) that since she seems to be settling in your area, perhaps it's time she considered looking at permanent options locally. Bright and breezy, acting as if you want to preempt her suddenly announcing that it's time to go home, as if you assumed she'd want to be moving home sooner or later.
When I had a similar situation, I researched some local McCarthy & Stone apartments for the retired, then invented a work colleague whose parent had moved into one and was very happy, as was my fictional work colleague. Then I ended the conversation with "perhaps that's something you might consider now, it would be great to have you local but independent". At the very least, it fires an indirect warning shot across her bows.
(Apropos my situation, the MIL did indeed move to the apartment. I barely see her now as she's too embroiled in the happenings there. It has been a godsend.)

Justmuddlingalong · 10/06/2021 15:42

Is your DH reverting to the child/parent relationship with his DM there? The not wanting to have sex when she's in the next room is odd long term. Fair enough if she was visiting for a weekend.

Original poster
pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:45

@HollowTalk

Does she still work? What about friends in her home area?

Now he doesn’t work. Our house Is only 30 minutes from hers so not too far away.
She occasionally goes to meet her friend for a coffee but most of her friends were “couple” friends and she’s mentioned she doesn’t feel up to seeing them without her DH. ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:47

No she*

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 10/06/2021 15:47

I would echo TigerTulip. It's lovely that she has had this very special time with you all and you would love her closer so perhaps a permanent move nearby is a great solution. I really wouldn't let this continue indefinitely... and I would take control of the situation of your DH doesn't/can't.

We are just about to build a (detached from our house) granny flat for MIL... but I fear even that is too close. However, MIL is 80 not 60 and it will be easier to support any carers etc. here rather than where she lives which is an hour a way.

saraclara · 10/06/2021 15:49

She surely can't expect to live with you forever. Does you DH expect and want to have her love with you without end? Or is he just too scared to bring it up?

I think it's him you have to be firm with. This is your home and you can't relax in it. It's time for him to talk to her. And with the six month mark coming up, it's a good landmark to bring up the subject.
"Mum, you've been with us for five months now, with your house empty. I think it's probably time for us to plan how to move on. Your house needs to be lived in. Maybe the six-month point would be a good time for you to start moving back, and for us to pick up on our usual family life?"

PurpleMustang · 10/06/2021 15:51

As someone else said she is being nice and helpful so a sensitive approach is needed. You and your husband need to have a conversation first and agree on some sort of plan. Find out from him if it needs to be a sit down and he wants to talk to her alone, or with you there aswell, or a casually over dinner conversation. Do you have other spare rooms? Surely this is stopping other family and friends coming for a stay also? But also tell him with a wink you are never gonna have another child with her in the next room at this rate. Whilst saying you obviously appreciate the help and thanking her and having her stay so could see her so much, and she wasn't alone, with things now easing whats the next steps kind of thing.

saraclara · 10/06/2021 15:52

Seriously. She's only 60. I'm 65 and was widowed in my mid-50s. There's absolutely no reason that someone like me should be living with their offspring.

In a way this arrangement has prevented her from moving on in her bereavement. It's going to be even harder for her to live alone in that house because she hasn't needed to for all this time. It was a bad suggestion on your DH's part I'm afraid. But this can't continue. It's not good for her and it's not good for you.

BettysFondantFancy · 10/06/2021 15:52

Leave her babysitting and go and have loud sex in her house.

NVision · 10/06/2021 15:55

Tough situation. Hope you keep us updated.

YANBU. Convince DH to do the talking, its his mum. You don't want to look the bad guy here. She is 60, has had time to recover a bit and now needs to get on with her life again. She can still see you regularly.

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 15:57

For her own sake, she needs to move on and get her own life back.
Suggesting that she relocates is not a bad idea, if she genuinely has no friend she misses and can start building a new social circle.

steakandcheeseplease · 10/06/2021 15:57

Spend nights at her house alone Grin

TatianaBis · 10/06/2021 15:58

The most tactful way is to suggest she relocates nearby and you will help her find somewhere.

Heronsnest · 10/06/2021 15:59

I'm 62 OP - at 60 your MIL is still a spring chicken and way to young to take up permanent residence with you, however lovely she is. Now is the time to start broaching the subject with her. Otherwise you will get more and more resentful and that would be a shame considering you've had a good relationship so far.

Chickychickydodah · 10/06/2021 15:59

Ask her to stay at hers a few days a week for now then ease her out gently

LittleTiger007 · 10/06/2021 15:59

Talk this through with your husband and he needs to sit her down and ask her to make plans to move out. Don’t let him make excuses, you need to be heard. She is still young and needs to rebuild her life.
YANBU at all.

saraclara · 10/06/2021 15:59

Having thought about it for a few minutes more, I think your DH should bring it up with her in a 'thinking of her welfare' sense. As per my post above, you're really not doing her any favours by protecting her from solo independent living.
Maybe he could say that he feels that he's prevented her moving on with life, and discuss how you can both help her wth the transition to managing her life in her own home as a single person.

She's way too young for a McCarthy and Stone type place. She needs to be back in her home and building her social life again.

jessycake · 10/06/2021 16:00

Yes but make it gradual and encourage her to find friendship groups , she is going back to a house thats lost its soul , she needs to live in it again to regain it .

DysmalRadius · 10/06/2021 16:01

Is your husband's plan for her to live with you forever? Or has he got a point at which he feels he will be able to discuss it with her? Do you think he would be more open to the idea of helping her to gain some independence separately from the idea of her moving out?

Holly60 · 10/06/2021 16:01

[quote pip16]@jellybeansforbreakfast

Alternatively pack yourself a bag - she has an empty house you can stay in!

Yeah, well... watch this space 🤣

@Holly60

Could you suggest she moves a bit closer, but not WITH you?

Her house is 30 minutes away. Not sure how much closer she would expect to be (other than living with us)[/quote]
Well, closer than 30 minutes, but further than the spare bedroom, I suppose Grin. Does she drive? If so then yes I’d say 30 minutes is fine but if not she might like to be in walkable distance.

MullinerSpec · 10/06/2021 16:01

In many asian customs the parents live with the husband and wife as one big family. Maybe consider selling yours and your MIL house pooling the money together and buying a great big house with a granny annex?

For perspective we asked my mother (a joint decision between my wife and I but more my wife!) to move in with us when we bought our house, but she refused saying that she enjoyed her freedom.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/06/2021 16:03

She's only 60 😬. I'm 52 with a 10 year old. I can't imagine in a few years time expecting to move in with my adult child (I do have an adult child) and not leaving. I get she's had an awful shock and will be grieving but you have a right to a home life exactly how you want it.

She needs to move out and start rebuilding a life for herself. I don't know how you do this and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes but you are definitely NBU.

LadyEuphemia · 10/06/2021 16:04

Best do it now. My Uncle’s MIL did the same thing when her husband died. She finally left, when they carried her out for her funeral 28 years later.

My poor Uncle did admit it was because they had been too polite to ask her to leave in that first year, and then it was too late.