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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to move out...

240 replies

pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:09

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 10/06/2021 16:28

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you Confused

There is always one...
DestinationsUnknown · 10/06/2021 16:28

You may find you got used to all the extra help and will miss it when she’s no longer there. I have seen this happen, then the person tried to replace that help with others and it never worked out as well.

She’s spoiling all of you and you’re completely ungrateful.
It may be she thinks she’s needed, and has been ready to go for ages but is trying to repay your initial kind offer of company.

Please don’t assume, because when you do, you make an “ass” out of “u&me” as the word play goes.
MIL may be out of the door so fast at your first hint that it may be your feelings which become hurt and surprised!
Lastly, there is no better a childminder than a loving competent trustworthy grandmother - it’s also an excellent relationship for children, they are sometimes more well-rounded with this influence.

If your biggest complaint is you’re not getting enough sex and you’d like more drudge work... well.

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/06/2021 16:28

Creating dependency in her is not doing her any favours at all. She'll end up old before her time.

I feel she's an 'old' 60, if you know what I mean?

OP and her DH could perhaps suggest helping with some simple home improvements to MIL's home - redecorating or similar to make going home seem more positive and exciting?

SunshineCake · 10/06/2021 16:29

Ask her how she would feel about having the baby with her at her house for a sleep over so you and dh can have some time together.

CoffeeAndCaramel · 10/06/2021 16:29

I really feel for you! It's so hard as she sounds lovely and you don't want to upset her! You and your husband both need to be on the same page though, it's better coming from her own son. Your not unreasonable at all wanting normality back x

MrsDoctorDear · 10/06/2021 16:30

60?!! She's got a whole life ahead of her and she needs to start being independent before she gets into a rut.

The longer she leaves it the harder it will be.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/06/2021 16:30

Oh, and in case someone suggests that I'm heartless or cruel...I'm the daughter of a widow who was widowed in her 60's and is soon to be turning 88 and there was no way that my mother would have thought to move in with either me or my siblings or that she would move out of her home. My mum loves her independence!

deathbypostitnote · 10/06/2021 16:33

You didn't sign up to living with her and it's not fair to ask it of you as a long term arrangement without prior consultation. Your DP is getting really immature if the only frame of reference for needing her to leave is that she's at fault.

katy1213 · 10/06/2021 16:33

A woman of 60 is barely middle-aged these days! We are not granny flat material and not planning to be for a good two decades!
It would have been better to let her get accustomed to living alone for a couple of months and then had her over for a week or so on a visit - so she wouldn't be facing her first experience of living alone on her return.

Wilma55 · 10/06/2021 16:33

Has DH got any siblings?

VeganCheesePlease · 10/06/2021 16:34

@Beamur

A gentle but honest conversation needs to be had. She is outstaying her welcome. How would you feel about her going home but still staying over with you maybe 1 or 2 nights a week? I'm amazed you've left it this long. Your DH needs to instigate this.
I thought the same - a nice compromise so you both get time together, but MiL still feels supported that she has you to stay with at times.
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 10/06/2021 16:34

She’s only 60, can you help get a life? Social groups, WI , university of the 3rd age etc. Maybe if she was out a couple of evenings a week you wouldn’t feel so stifled. And it would be easier for her to move home if she wasn’t lonely. If she got herself a fella she might be making more use of her own place

soreenqueen21 · 10/06/2021 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inextremis · 10/06/2021 16:34

I do sympathise with you - but I'm also thinking of how your MIL must be feeling at the moment. It's only 6 months since she lost her husband, and that's a huge change for anyone to deal with - I expect she's quite scared of being alone in her home with the memories - and that's why she seems reluctant to go back. I think grief takes at least 2 years to fade to a more manageable level - so she's got a way to go yet - but that's not to say she can expect to stay with you for that long! Maybe your DH could start a conversation with her about their shared loss and how she's feeling about it - that might be a way to start her thinking about where she wants to live in the future - not with you, but not necessarily back where she lived with her husband, either.

Fairyliz · 10/06/2021 16:37

60!!! I’m another one who assumed you were talking about a frail 85 year old.
I’m 61 and can’t imagine going to live with my adult children even if I lost DH.
Hadn’t she got any life of her own, job/voluntary work, friends, hobbies a house and garden to care for?
I honestly don’t have any friends who would think this was ok and that includes a friend who was also widowed at 60.

ChangChang · 10/06/2021 16:39

Feel for you OP, it’s a tough situation. I think the posters who mentioned your MIL’s grief have a point - but this is also an issue that needs to be addressed, rather than masked by busyness. Slightly differemy circumstances, but I’m now in a situation where my widowed mum is living with me and my two DCs - it’s been two and a half years now and it is slowly ruining our relationship. It feels like a constant power struggle, she’s vulnerable and dependant only when it suits her and I feel like I’ll be stuck like this for the rest of my life because she ‘doesn’t want to be on her own’. Invest some time now to do what you can to help her get back on her feet - then get your life back x

SeasonFinale · 10/06/2021 16:40

I think a conversation with her needs to happen. If DH won't man up then I would do it myself.

SabrinaTheMiddleAgedBitch · 10/06/2021 16:40

I thought you were going to say she was in her 80s!! At 60 she still has a lot of years ahead of her and as much as I empathise she needs to start a life of her own. It must have been a awful shock but you have been there to support her in the immediate aftermath. She needs to adjust to living alone one day (unless you want her living with you for potentially another 30 years) and its probably just making it more difficult for her in the long run

fortifiedwithtea · 10/06/2021 16:41

OP you said fil death was sudden and unexpected. May I ask did he die at home?

My dad passed from lung cancer. It was his wish to die at home. However that is pretty traumatic for those left behind. My mum was only 70. For the first year she really wanted to move. The house gave her the creeps.

In that year she visited us a lot. Stayed over a lot insisted we needed her but really she needed to be with us.

She needed her bedroom redecorated to get rid of the memories but actually stayed sleeping in the spare room. I totally understand her. Its different carpet, wallpaper and curtains but its still the room where my dad died (I was with him at the end)..

Have a gentle talk maybe she can’t face her old room either. Suggest decorating it or a spare bedroom for her to return to her house.

She does need to move back and start a new chapter of her life. Whilst she is living with you she is in limbo.

Good luck

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2021 16:41

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you Confused

Oh give over. Op and her dh should devote the rest of their life to his widowed mother.

They’d be doing her a massive disservice to not broach this. At 60, gosh even a fit 80 she needs her own life. At 60, she could easily live until the children reach their mid 30’s.

Twinkie01 · 10/06/2021 16:43

You need to start having very noisy energetic sex. She'll be out of there by the end of the week.

Jobsharenightmare · 10/06/2021 16:46

What she's experiencing is totally normal ie it's very hard getting back out there as an 'I' when you have been a 'we' for so long. You can support her to find different community groups to join, have her over for lunch etc without her needing to live with you any longer.

I don't think you should be the one to raise this though. It is more appropriate to come from him. But first you need to make the case to him that she will never be ready, the only way to move forward is to face her fears (with support) and go through the pain of grief that she has been avoiding by never feeling alone.

MadeForThis · 10/06/2021 16:46

She probably wants to start moving on but scared to do so.

After DF died my DM lived with us for a couple of months. She later said that she wished she had went home sooner as it was like starting the grieving process again. She had to learn how to live without him in the house.

She did some little things like buying a new bed that helped a bit.

ittakes2 · 10/06/2021 16:49

why don't you consider suggesting she stays a few days a week - might be a win win for you both if she does all those things! Tell her you need the weekend as family time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/06/2021 16:50

"Mum, you've been with us for five months now, with your house empty. I think it's probably time for us to plan how to move on. Your house needs to be lived in. Maybe the six-month point would be a good time for you to start moving back, and for us to pick up on our usual family life?"

This. Think @saraclara said it

I get the not wanting to be alone

I am a widow. First 6w I couldn’t sleep alone , so I either had friends to stay on a rota or I went to them

But I knew I had to continue with life. People have their own lives and live goes on

60 is young. Maybe she will meet someone for love or companionship

There is a group called jolly dollies that I joined, but at 37 I was the youngest by 20/25yrs but sounds fab for you mil

Maybe introduce her to them, and way up (widowed and young)

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