To ask MIL to move out...

[pip16]

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

Say that you've been thinking about her house, and wondering, if she'd like you to help get it sorted before she goes back - that could lead to a separate conversation on whether she'd like to stay there or move closer to you longer term.
So you can all pile over one weekend to see what needs doing, make lists, etc, then you can help her to do it over the following weeks. Is it still exactly as she left it, with all your fil's possessions everywhere? And all his clothes still in the drawers? Maybe the thought of tackling all that is preventing her from making the move back. It's a daunting prospect for sure. So, offer to help, or to do it for her.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

He doesn't need a "proper" reason. It's a perfectly good reason that this wasn't ever considered to be a permanent arrangement and that plans for the future need to be made which include her regaining her independence. You need a conversation based on the premise that it's a case of when, not if, she will be moving out, whether that is to the current house or another one nearer to you.

Oh god I couldn't bear this. And I'm not much younger than she is.

Your husband needs to bite the bullet. Maybe he could ask her what she's planning on doing about the house as a way in without bluntly asking her when she's going home? Surely it must be a bit sad looking if no one has been there for 6 months.

It doesn't matter how nice she is. She's moved in by stealthy d that's not okay.

@katy1213

If all else fails, a few nights of loud shrieky sex might get rid of her. Faster, faster, harder, ooohh ... then at breakfast, ask if she slept well, with a meaningful wink. Maybe mention that the sheets need changing? She'll be back to Emmerdale and cocoa before you know it!

Thanks for the laugh.

My late MIL was a very practical sort. She said that if she stayed at our house, after FIL had passed away, that she'd never return home. She said she needed to find her new life. She was about 70 at the time.

I'd have loved it if MIL had survived and my ex died much much earlier. She was lovely, him very much not.

But MIL did make a new life and was out and about a lot, until she passed away after a short illness aged 84.

@pickingdaisies

Say that you've been thinking about her house, and wondering, if she'd like you to help get it sorted before she goes back - that could lead to a separate conversation on whether she'd like to stay there or move closer to you longer term. So you can all pile over one weekend to see what needs doing, make lists, etc, then you can help her to do it over the following weeks. Is it still exactly as she left it, with all your fil's possessions everywhere? And all his clothes still in the drawers? Maybe the thought of tackling all that is preventing her from making the move back. It's a daunting prospect for sure. So, offer to help, or to do it for her.

Yes. Facing the new reality is likely very hard and it would be great to help her reclaim her own home. Does she have neighbors and friends?

It sounds like he is proposing that she live with you forever.

Causally ask if she has checked on her home recently. Make sure you use the word home.

I mean, you do have a DH problem here. My question though when reading these MIL threads is always: would you be as eager to ship her out if it had been your mother?

Also, it is relevant whether FIL died at the house? That could be why she's reluctant to go back. In that case, maybe help her to sell and find somewhere else.

As pp said it sounds as if a place of her own near you. However she may well be coping with her loss by helping you so leaving straight away is likely to send her into a downward spiral. Could you not propose that she goes home at weekend in the first instance and then gradually increase it.

Please send her here, I would love someone to help out like she does.

I was imagining myself in your position when I read that your MIL is 60.
Turns out I should instead have been putting myself in your MIL's place as we are the same age.
She really isn't old! Doesn't mean she can't feel lonely, obviously, and enjoy both the companionship of living with you, but also feeling useful as a homemaker,m and carer for you all, since it sounds as if she doesn't work.
However, she could easily have 30+ years left and needs to make a life for herself for the next phase.

There are two things here

Feel redundant as a wife/mother - unless she is really overbearing I’d try to get over this because being a wife and mother is not about doing all the drudge work and if she’s happy to do it then great!

Sex and time together as a couple - this is an issue and one thy can only be resolved by either building a granny flat in the garden (if possible, and even then she’ll want to be in the main living room) or her spending at-least half the evenings in her own home

If she’s reasonable then saying you love having her and really appreciate everything she does but ‘need time together as a couple’ should be understood

Suggest to your DH that as she's so settled, you might as well move into her house alone

Perfect

I think a conversation with her needs to happen. If DH won't man up then I would do it myself

I'd probably do the same, but the danger is that MIL could easily go running to DH and a breach could develop. Obviously OP needs him onside, and if that doesn't work then I'd revert to the above

Yes it needs handling as kindly as possible, but PPs are also correct that the current arrangement is doing MIL no favours in the long run

I don't understand all the suggestions that involve verging on the utterly ridiculous.
There's no need to consider inventing holidays nor building works etc...
Have another talk with your DH and tell him you mean it. If he still won't speak to her then sit down and talk to her yourself.
Yes she is grieving but there's no favours being done in her staying longer than she has already. Surely she knows this herself.
As others have said 60 is not elderly and frail. I know and work with many women in their 60's and I know a good few of them would be horrified at the thought of living with their children. (they date, have casual sex etc)
I also agree with the suggestions to visit her often, have her cook for you all at agreed times.
Regardless of how others try to make you feel bad on here. You're doing nothing wrong at all. You've offered and extended a kindness at a tough time for her but it can not go on forever.
Good luck.

Maybe she’s just really scared of going back alone to the house she share with her husband! I think you are right to want your house to yourself maybe you could have a chat to her about it!
I’ve not been in that position before so can only imagine i would dread the idea of going back to an empty home full of memories of people that are no longer here.

How about opening a conversation with her over coffee keeping it light and breezy and saying something like ..you look different today MIL are you beginning to feel a bit more settled in yourself? or something like that kind of thing and see where the conversation takes you,You could reminisce about FIL and ask her casually what her long term plan is..all this could be done sensitively without mentioning her moving out.Breaking the ice in such a way will probably give you an inkling into how she is thinking and feeling,Might not solve your problem but it could give you an idea of what you are dealing with.

But i think the longer she stays the harder it’s going to be to go back! Maybe you could all stay with her the first weekend she goes back?

She may be anxious about a new life on her own but she's relatively young and has lots of time left. There are support groups online even if nothing's happening IRL yet.

Yes, some retirement villages take people from 55 or 60 and they provide a sense of community and security in a manageable home but if she's not seeking that then she needs to get back to her place. Is it too big for her now? Does she want to escape the memories there? Perhaps buying a new place and getting busy making it her new home would help her (literally !) move on.

Either way you or your DH or both of you need to sit her down for a chat about the options and encourage her to be positive about an independent future.

Would it be possible to sell her house and use the money to buy a bigger place together where you'd have your own space or extend your current property so she'd have a annexe?

I think a discussion should be had about how she feels about the house.

I can't imagine a 60 year old settling into someone else's home unless she really didn't want to return to her own.

I can understand why she might find going back to her marital home overbearing since her husband died, and why she might be afraid of doing so.

Perhaps mention it and see if she wants to sell, but she'll only know if she goes back and tries to live again for a few months. The house can't stay empty forever.

I would be prepared for her to perhaps stay with you for a few more weeks or months until she sorts it out if she does decide to sell.

Your MIL is still young, but she’s terrified, completely understandable, but you must explain to your DH that you are not helping her, quite the reverse. She needs to grieve, to get used to her new life, she must know she’s avoiding the issue, the prospect is so frightening. Time for a gentle heart to heart.

It's nice to feel useful and to be kept busy.
I would get her to join clubs or choirs or anything.
60 is young imv. If she looks there will (soon be) loads of things she can join and get a life of her own.
Perhaps if you phrase it as her getting her own life and independence back now lockdown has passed rather than you getting rid of her, she and DH might be more compliable. She could have another 30 years. She needs to make a move for her sake.

Not sure how to say to her. We never started overnights my mother would have moved in. Permanently. Your husband needs address it.