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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to move out...

240 replies

pip16 · 10/06/2021 15:09

FIL very suddenly & unexpectedly passed away in January.

MIL was very understandably distraught.

DH suggested she come to stay with us as he didn’t think she would manage being alone.

I of course was on board with this, i was also
still on maternity leave in Jan & thought MIL & me would both benefit from the company.

DH & I didn’t discuss at the time how long she’d stay, but I assumed it would be a few weeks / a month at the most.

Fast forward nearly 5 months, and MIL is still living with us!

She goes back to her house evey so often to check for mail but pretty much all of her clothes are at our house.

I’m now back at work 3 days a week and when I come home MIL has made dinner, she does our washing, and our cleaning, she even does our ironing.
She will wake up early with DC is very hands
on.

All of this is lovely, and of course I’m appreciative, but it’s making me feel redundant as a wife and mother and very much like a guest in my own home.

I can’t remember the last time DH & I had a night to ourselves (whilst DC is in bed) because MIL
is always sat with us, and most of the time we’re watching her soaps with her.

DH has stopped wanted to have sex as often, because MIL is in the next room and he feels weird about it.

DH & I both booked and at off work last week whilst DC was at nursery.
We went out for lunch (just the two of us) I would’ve loved to come home and had the house to ourselves and spent the afternoon in bed to together, but, we couldn’t.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times now, but his response is always that he doesn’t want to upset her and we don’t have a “proper” reason to ask her to leave as she’s so nice to us.

Yes, she is nice, but I want my house back, I want my husband and baby to myself again, I want to have sex with my husband where I / we is allowed to at least heavy breathe 🙄

I’m sure I will sound ungrateful and uncaring for feeling this way; I’m really not.
But I don’t think not wanting to live with my MIL is unreasonable.

Should I bring it up with her myself. AIBU to ask her to go back to her own house?

OP posts:
Mydarlingmyhamburger · 10/06/2021 16:04

I think you need to crack down on your husband here. The circumstances are horrible but 5 months is taking the piss really. She must have an idea she’s outstayed her welcome.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/06/2021 16:04

You're not being unreasonable at all but it may be an upsetting conversation.

She nice, she helps, she loves her grandchild - all good reasons to be kind in how you approach it though. She may need support and a gradual change but I think you need a clear plan so it doesn't drag on for months. Good luck.

Moonshine11 · 10/06/2021 16:06

YANBU.
She does sound lovely but I couldn’t live with my MIL for one month never 5!
Deffo bring it up but I think you need to be quite careful in what you say and how you do it.

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2021 16:07

I would imagine it is about coping psychologically and emotionally rather than practically. Has she ever lived alone (my mum started at 68 and found it very difficult to begin with)? If he previous life was one built around her dh then she must feel completely adrift, esp if she sees her worth /raison d'etre to be to provide care for others.

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 16:07

Maybe consider selling yours and your MIL house pooling the money together and buying a great big house with a granny annex?

can't think of anything worst! (apart from living in your actual house!).

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 10/06/2021 16:08

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you Confused

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 10/06/2021 16:08

She is not even elderly

She has a lot of life ahead of her

Will you be her sole companion for the next 20-30 years?

She needs to get out there, work, do sport, join clubs, make new friends

She can live with you from now on, if you all want, why not? and your DH rates her feelings over yours, and you are too nice to do anything about it so this is probably how it will stay

But you have a choice. If your H refuses to move her out, I’d leave. I honestly would. His lack of respect for you is just so sad.

WeeWelshWoman · 10/06/2021 16:08

I'd not mind my MIL staying, but think DH would. Though I know if I said I wanted couples time wink wink , she'd understand.

YANBU. I think there needs to be a polite conversation. Especially as it is impacting your relationship with DH.

Melitza · 10/06/2021 16:10

You need to suggest that she gets used to being back in her own home while it's light nights and warmer weather.
Perhaps she could start by going home on Fridays so you had your weekends without her.

It's hard. I should think she's done all these jobs so you would not think she was a burden.

saraclara · 10/06/2021 16:11

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you Confused

Don't be silly. Lots of us have lost husbands. That doesn't mean that everyone should give up their own family lives on our account.

We grieve, and we make ourselves move on and adjust to our new lives. If we're lucky we have family support in doing so. But the best help is that which helps us continue on as independent adults in our own homes.

BarbarianMum · 10/06/2021 16:12

I think that's completely untrue and unfair @IAmDaveTheSerialShagger. Off course the OP wants her own space and it isnt helping MiL long term to be so dependent on her son and family.

DeliaOwens · 10/06/2021 16:12

Perhaps frame it this way to your DH. "Why don't we all go to MIL and get the house ready to be occupied again. A few W/ends and we will have everything spicy and span. Then we can all go and stay while she gets used to it again and when she is encoded back in her own home, we can go and stay the odd w/end and once or twice a month you can stay overnight for company"

fashionablefennel · 10/06/2021 16:12

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you Confused

what a ridiculous post.

The OP is perfectly entitled to want her life and her house back, it's been 5 MONTHS!

It's in the MIL best interest to move on too.

Rocket1982 · 10/06/2021 16:12

How about a granny annexe? She sounds like a good MIL. That might be a good compromise where she can help with the kids when needed or she wants to see them but she has her own space to go back to. Sell both places and buy a place together near where you live but and a location that will allow her to get out more

HollowTalk · 10/06/2021 16:14

A granny annexe? She's 60!

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/06/2021 16:14

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

You sound so utterly ungrateful, wow, you are moaning about not having a night with your husband whilst your mil has lost her husband.

I imagine the pain and grief she is going through is unimaginable to you, she is trying to occupy her time by helping you and you are that cruel you want her to move out?

Shame on you Confused

OP doesn't need that level of help. She says she feels redundant in her own home.

The MIL is only 60 - she needs to build a life of her own, maybe helping others through charity work if she's desperate to be needed.

Sacreblue · 10/06/2021 16:15

I don’t know if there’s something similar near you OP but I know of a church linked bereavement support group. They have a programme of talking help that aims to support the bereaved spouse through the grieving process and to refind joy in a different way of life.

Mention of friends in couples and not wanting to impose or be reminded she’s no longer in a couple is something I know that’s talked about.

It might help to be with others who have experienced loss and see how they are navigating relationships with friends and families. It might help her see she has choices beyond living alone in her home or living with her son and you.

Breadcheesebread · 10/06/2021 16:15

Use her house as your sex den.

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/06/2021 16:16

@HollowTalk

A granny annexe? She's 60!
I know! I'm 67 and shudder at the thought of living in a granny annexe! Grin
saraclara · 10/06/2021 16:19

@HollowTalk

A granny annexe? She's 60!
Exactly! This woman has, with any luck, got decades of fulfilling life ahead of her. Creating dependency in her is not doing her any favours at all. She'll end up old before her time.

I know I'm getting very invested in this, but as someone also widowed relatively early, I can see how dangerous this supposedly temporary arrangement is. Going back to her home has to be broached as the positive thing that it is. She has her life ahead of her. I don't know what I'd be like now if I'd allowed myself to be mollycoddled this way.

Losing one's spouse is devastating. But it's a grief and a life that has to move forward. I'm happy, adventurous and independent now, and the MIL in this case needs to find that in herself again.

DomPom47 · 10/06/2021 16:22

How old is she? Any hobbies? Friends/other family that’s she’s close to? Might make husband happier if she had a social circle and that she won’t be alone and may be good for her to start been a bit more independent.

Bakedbeanhead · 10/06/2021 16:22

@Breadcheesebread

Use her house as your sex den.
Grin
LookItsMeAgain · 10/06/2021 16:24

Holy crap! I thought by the way that the opening post was written that she was in her 80's or something. She is 60!!!
She could be living with you for the next 30 years or so...

The way that I would tackle it is two pronged.
Firstly I would have a serious, and I mean serious conversation with your DH. Lay it out. He no longer wants to have sex with you because his mother might overhear you both. You thought that it would be a short term thing, a month tops, but she has effectively moved herself in. She has a house and if it holds too many memories or is too hard for her to go back to she has to find an alternative that she can move to instead, selling that house. However, you are making it very very clear that her moving in to your home is not nor was it ever on the cards to be a permanent thing. Tell him that it is affecting your relationship with him, how you see him, he has reverted back to a 'Mummy's Boy' and he is a grown man!
Secondly would be to have a conversation with your MiL, woman to woman. Tell her that you have marital needs that aren't being met because she is there, all the time. Ask her if she has had any thoughts about moving back to her home. Ask her if she has had any thoughts about selling her home and buying somewhere else. Ask her when that is going to happen. Make sure that you direct that conversation to get her to start thinking about moving out.
She is coming to the end of her stay with you and must start thinking about moving out.
I realise that she has lost her husband and is feeling lonely but if there are any clubs or social groups in her neighbourhood (not yours), start putting the feelers out and getting information. Does she have any interests outside of her DS and you and your children??

Notaroadrunner · 10/06/2021 16:24

I'd say to her that now it's summer time we can go back and get the house dusted and ready for you to move back in. It's fine to have accommodated during the longer miserable months but she needs to get home and learn to adjust to life without her Dh. Encourage her to look at new hobbies - tennis, gardening, yoga, golf, swimming... There are endless possibilities for her to find new friends and start a new chapter in her life. That chapter should not include living with you and causing difficulties in your marriage.

BrilliantBetty · 10/06/2021 16:25

She sounds like a nice MIL (not like mine). That's sweet of her taking care of housework etc.

Perhaps you could suggest to DH that the two of you could encourage her to start settling back in to her own home slowly.
More visits over there, start spending weekends there, then mostly there some weekends with you, until she is settled back. Might take a couple of months.

She's only 60. A lot of life yet to live, does she have friends locally that could spend time with her too?