Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

I think she needs bereavement counselling. At her age, this is probably her first experience of big loss and the urge for another pregnancy is totally understandable. The women I know who had experienced miscarriage felt the same. They’d also tell her that the sadness doesn’t go away even after a successful pregnancy. They never forget.

However planning a family without the means of supporting one is just bonkers. What do her boyfriend’s family think about this? Do they know?

If she lacks the maturity to see you need to be able to provide for a baby then she probably lacks the maturity to have one.

I feel so sorry for her but for you to - you do sound to be the only voice of reason here.

Your DD is an adult.
If she wants to bring a baby into the world she needs to ensure she can physically and financially support her decisions.
Telling you she is going to live in your house is not very adult. Next thing, she'll be asking you to look after her baby.
I'm sorry for her loss, but she needs to move out.

[quote checkyourpops]@osbertthesyrianhamster Thank you, I probably won't divorce over it but I will be furious with him. I don't want a baby/small child in this house again. It's perfect and done up exactly to how I want, no Micky hands [/quote]
Oh goodness this can’t be real surely

Are you grieving your grandchild ? I wonder did this hit you as hard as your dd and this is some kind of defensive stance because you’re heartbroken too so convincing yourself you don’t like babies anyway

YABU

I can assure you that people working in admin jobs in the NHS are far from lazy. I worked in an admin job in the NHS when I had my first baby but I feel like you think thats not good enough

Cantnyou just support her? If I had space for my 19 year old and their baby I'd be a damned sight happier than her moving in with a boyfriend you don't feel.is right for her.

In fact you come across as very interfering. You don't get to tell her how to live her life. She is not a mini me of you. She is.her own person. If you don't want her to live at home that's your prerogative but dont be surprised if she cuts down contact.

she's part time but has no reason not to be FT?

@checkyourpops Do you think she might find work to be harder than some other people do? I did and it turned out I had a lot of underlying issues including not being neurotypical and other MH issues. A lot of that I didn't discover until later life.

I had an obsession with wanting a baby at certain times in my teens, too.

I mean, some people will make both these choices without it being due to other issues, but this was my experience.

If she really is still in pain she could seek further counselling etc, too.

I agree that your husband is the problem here, if he was more on your side It would free up some of your mental energy so that you could empathize with your daughter while still insist that she needs to have her own place

@Bottlefeeding Obviously mucky toddlers aren't the only reason I don't want a baby in the house full time! As I said from the start, it's the whole dynamic. Not just mess they make obviously. But my daughters independence, being able to provide for her DC on her own/with boyfriend, wanting to retire properly and downsize. Not just mucky hands

She hasn’t asked for her boyfriend to live there for 2 reasons

1. she knows you’ll probably say no

&

2. because she doesn’t care if he lives with her or not.

Speaking as bluntly as I can, your DD’s mind is not working in the rational way yours is. Her mind is working in a way that is suffering from grief and devastation. I would say it’s quiet likely that all your DD cares about right now is getting pregnant/having a baby. Nothing you say is going to change that (the way she feels), all the obstacles you see, all the imperfections you see…it’s not that your DD doesn’t see them too, it’s just that she doesn’t care (and not in the fuck you I don’t care way, but in the she’s hurting so much she doesn’t care way) the urge to have this baby overwhelms all practicality right now.

Put yourself in her shoes, she was pregnant, she was having a baby…what was the plan back then? Were you supporting her? Was she staying at home? Was the plan for her to bring the baby home to your house? If the answer to all these questions is yes then I see your DD’s point….it was all happening anyway, she and everyone around her were expecting this baby, except sadly she lost that baby. If you were all prepared to support her and that baby, she assumes that you would support her and this baby, or at the very least that what’s she is hoping for especially in the wake of her loss.

I’m not judging, I’m just trying to make you see that your DD is going through something that is so huge that these wheels are turning whether your like/agree with it or not. I can understand why you don’t want this for her, or why you don’t want a baby in the house BUT you really really need to consider how you deal with this and how you talk to her about it because trust me when I tell you that your relationship with your DD is on the line.

Either because having a child makes them do the very thing so many posters are saying and "grow up" or - as is often the case - having a child helps with your entitlement to/priority for social housing do you know the state of the current social housing system, OP would have to make her daughter homeless and then she’d prob go into an emergency bnb. As for knuckling down and getting her own place, she will hve a child to pay for, oh wait she could work more because she doesn’t have a baby she wants to be with. Who the hell would encourage this life!

What is so unreasonable about not wanting to live with a small child when you're past that stage of life and getting to the point where your children are more independent?

If the OP's DD had accidentally become pregnant, that would be another matter, but deliberately trying to conceive when you know your parents don't want a baby in the house and you don't have your own accommodation is just nuts.

If you have the space, why not?

Because the OP doesn’t want to? Shes hoping for an empty nest and to downsize when (if) her son goes to uni. I don’t think helping to raise another child is part of the plan.

Be supportive no matter what her life choices are.

So the OP needs to support a life choose that will have a negative impact on her? The DD is being selfish expecting her parents to live with a baby (and move in her boyfriend), at a stage in their life when their kids are growing up, and they should be able to relax.

No one is saying she isn’t allowed to TTC, of course she is. BUT if she’s adult enough to plan to bring a baby into this world, then she should be adult enough to provide for it, not just expect her parents to do that for her.

You are right. Sorry. It's just that I had hoped for so much more than this for her. She doesn't want to progress or anything

In fact I feel quote sorry for your DD. She's clearly not good enough for you. The self indulgent can't believe she has done this to herself and us thing is awful

[quote checkyourpops]@Bottlefeeding Obviously mucky toddlers aren't the only reason I don't want a baby in the house full time! As I said from the start, it's the whole dynamic. Not just mess they make obviously. But my daughters independence, being able to provide for her DC on her own/with boyfriend, wanting to retire properly and downsize. Not just mucky hands [/quote]
With support though potentially your dd could move out whilst pregnant perhaps ? Or before it gets to the ‘mucky toddler’ stage ?

So your daughter wants a baby and to stay in your home and your husband supports her doing this but your going force him to think the same way as you who absolutely refuses to allow this?

I totally understand your daughters reasoning for wanting another baby and I totally understand your point of view about her having to have her own place if she’s to become a mother, however, I don’t understand what makes you think your opinion is the only important one in the house? I’m assuming your husband owns half of everything including the house and has a say in its running and who lives there? You’re going to have to compromise rather than make strict demands of him or you’re going to lose him and your daughter and potentially your home.

I have a relative who had a baby as a late teen while at Uni and she was back at her uni work within weeks with support from her family. Granted her baby was a surprise and she didn’t suffer the trauma of a late miscarriage. Young mothers are surprisingly resilient, even more so when they have their village around them.

I do understand your panic as a mother but as an outsider looking in I think you’re being so harsh and horrible and you’re going to have to compromise somewhat.

Your daughter has a job which is precious in this day and age and she’s grieving the death of her child which is horrific for anyone of any age. I find your approach and outright refusal to be harsh at best. She may not meet your expectations but she’s not doing badly. Don’t punish her any further by threatening her with losing her home and her family too.

I just can’t believe someone would be this harsh to their grieving child.

There is alot about you and how you think your daughter should live her life in your posts.
So her father wants to support and let his daughter live in the house you have bought, and let her have some security whilst she finds her place in life. You want to go on holiday.

I think you have come across pretty appallingly here OP.

Your posts are unbelievably snobby and judgemental, ‘I expected better’ and all this bollocks as if ‘nhs admin workers’ and the like are beneath you.

The age, 19, oh the horror!
😱
So what if she’s 19?!
The age of consent is 16, she can have sex, drink, vote, she is an adult, she is not a child.
She is an adult with a job and a partner who is also working.

Your poor daughter is traumatised and has gone through a dreadful thing.

I am in complete agreement with your DH

@Mymapuddlington

You’ve had your life, stop trying to live it through her. If H says she can stay why would she look to move out? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a basic job and a child by the way.

@Mymapuddington

🤣 Blimey - this is class A drivel. If the OP has an 11 year old I’m pretty sure she isn’t 82. I’m guessing she has 30 or 40 years of life left and she doesn’t want to live them with a baby in the house, or use her money to pay to raise her daughter’s baby. It’s her house as well as her DH’s.

And yes - there is nothing wrong with wanting a child if you can pay for it with your basic job. The OPs daughter can’t. It is not the OPs job to do it for her.

Of course YANBU.
If they want to be adults, they need to understand all that entails - including supporting themselves and finding housing and then of course supporting their baby.
I mean obviously there is little you can do if she is determined to get herself pregnant, but I would be furious with dh.
There is a HUGE difference between someone accidently becoming pregnant and you supporting then, and someone thinking they can just sponge off you and impact so hugely on your life.

trying to conceive when you know your parents don't want a baby in the house

To be fair, it’s only one parent. The other seems quite happy.

The age of consent is 16, she can have sex, drink, vote, she is an adult, she is not a child.
She is an adult with a job and a partner who is also working.

So she can move out and she and her partner can fund their child themselves, like most parents do.

I agree that your husband is the problem here, if he was more on your side It would free up some of your mental energy so that you could empathize with your daughter while still insist that she needs to have her own place

Is it really a 'problem' to want your traumatised 19 year old to continue to live with you when you have the room? I think it's a problem to have downsizing all worked out when your youngest DC is still only 11! What if he doesn't want to go to uni? Sounds like the OP's DH has a closer relationship with the DCs

Was the baby she lost planned or a "accident?" I'm very sorry to hear of her loss, but I think you are being given an unfair hard time on here OP. It would seem she doesn't want the relationship and their own family set up together, but just a baby for herself.

Your DH is happy for her to continue living in the family home with a baby but you're saying absolutely not, so what happens if she does fall pregnant soon? Are you going to kick her out / issue your husband an ultimatum?

As PP said you need to tread carefully as the way you're carrying on you run the risk of damaging your relationship irreparably.

I have never forgotten or forgiven a family member for the way they treat me during pregnancy and after I lost that baby, which yes included trying to rush me out of the house.

I hope your DD does move out, for her sake rather than yours, and takes an example from your DH on how to be a much more supportive parenr to her future DC than you appear to have been.

I don't want a baby/small child in this house again. It's perfect and done up exactly to how I want, no Micky hands
Sounds like you want that baby as far away from you as possible and then some ...

@ClareBlue

There is alot about you and how you think your daughter should live her life in your posts. So her father wants to support and let his daughter live in the house you have bought, and let her have some security whilst she finds her place in life. You want to go on holiday.

He sounds lovely and supportive