Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@Notonthestairs

Getoff- that implies perfect parenting creates perfect children. Neither exist.

Of course it doesn't, but If you're judgy and horrible to your child why the hell would you expect them to listen to you at all?

it makes no sense for her to go full time now, because it doesn't.

It makes perfect sense to go full time now, to save money while pregnant and get better maternity pay.

@SadieCow

*Notonthestairs Well the first sentence makes complete sense. Don't know what to make of the second so Sadie isn't alone. If you're a shitty parent don't be surprised when your kids turn out less than perfect. Your children are a reflection of your parenting.*

Literally no sense again! How does your response relate to @Notonthestairs comment?

Again, it's not my fault you don't understand

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

it makes no sense for her to go full time now, because it doesn't.

It makes perfect sense to go full time now, to save money while pregnant and get better maternity pay.

And then have to renegotiate going part time after mat leave. Good luck with that!

@Getyourarseofffthequattro three threads ago you didn't know she was pregnant!

She needs to get her own property and parent her own way!

Not rely on her parents to make it all ok!

She's going to be a mother with responsibilities.

[quote SadieCow]@Getyourarseofffthequattro three threads ago you didn't know she was pregnant!

She needs to get her own property and parent her own way!

Not rely on her parents to make it all ok!

She's going to be a mother with responsibilities.[/quote]
Three threads?

That doesn't change anything does it

I agree she should move out. I haven't ever disputed that.

I'm saying she shouldn't be shamed for choosing to work part time.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Not wanting to look after or take responsibility for your daughter's child does not make you a shitty parent.

Deliberately getting pregnant and having a child that you cannot provide for, expecting someone else to pick up the slack, is.

[quote ineedtogetalife]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Not wanting to look after or take responsibility for your daughter's child does not make you a shitty parent.

Deliberately getting pregnant and having a child that you cannot provide for, expecting someone else to pick up the slack, is.

[/quote]
Of course it doesn't, I never said it did.

Judging your child for their perfectly good job is what makes you a shitty parent. Putting your expectations over your child's happiness makes you a shitty parent.

@ClareBlue

I haven't actually changed my mind in how I would deal with it. But that's not important.
If you think it us about winners and losers in this situation then you are very far from how I would see it.
The tone of the posts have changed if you read them.
Of course there are compromises as all families have to do.
The OP hasn't got her main aim which was for her daughter not to get pregnant but has stood firm on finding a flat. If her daughter goes NC then this will cast a shadow over the 'win' and the rest of her life.

Why do you have to be so narky about it. It is a difficult situation that requires compromise and compassion

No, OP’s posts haven’t changed, she has been consistently calm but firm throughout. She said dd would have to move out if she got pregnant on purpose and she’s still saying that.

I was not narky but you on the other hand have been narky to OP and others and are now acting as if butter wouldn't melt and as if you’ve brokered some sort of compromise. In actual fact you have shown zero compassion to OP.

Here is a taste of your posts:

I would guess she will move out soon enough with the mother she has.
My view is the father doesn't want the whole downsizing and holiday situation with OP
Couldn't begin to guess why that might be

Agree you will only have 90 mins contact time with the baby every two weeks and this has to be at a neutral venue.
Work out a market rent for your daughter to teach her life lessons. Include a division of bills in this.
But really, really, important. Get your husband to some obedience classes as his obvious love for his daughter is impacting on his ability to get with the program, and this really isn't on.

The DD gets pregnant, the Mother says bye bye, the father says no way, and the end result is serious down sizing, i.e. running two households and splitting assets etc. Slight disruption to the 11 year old, or maybe that should be major. Daughter goes NC with mother and moves in with father with baby.
Mother enjoys her cruises

Daughter ends up as single parent due to bf parents saying the baby should have been aborted and he uses that as an excuse to bail out.
Daughter fulfills potential and becomes director of all cruise lines in the world. This limits mother's opportunity to go on a cruise as there never seems to be any tickets available

@Getyourarseofffthequattro as @ineedtogetalife is saying, it's the DD not being able to provide for her own child that makes her a shity parent!

[quote SadieCow]**@Getyourarseofffthequattro* as @ineedtogetalife* is saying, it's the DD not being able to provide for her own child that makes her a shity parent! [/quote]
Considering her child hasn't been born yet I don't see how you can claim that at all?

She works and therefore when op kicks her out she will have to provide, won't she?

When does the ops responsibilities as a mother end, and when does her daughters responsibilities start?

Judging your child for their perfectly good job is what makes you a shitty parent. Putting your expectations over your child's happiness makes you a shitty parent.

How has OP put her ‘expectations’ over her child? Did she kick her out for not going to uni? Charge her rent?

Someone mature enough to have a baby would have worked full time to save up for a flat deposit and and baby things.

@stackemhigh

Judging your child for their perfectly good job is what makes you a shitty parent. Putting your expectations over your child's happiness makes you a shitty parent.

How has OP put her ‘expectations’ over her child? Did she kick her out for not going to uni? Charge her rent?

Someone mature enough to have a baby would have worked full time to save up for a flat deposit and and baby things.

She doesn't care if her daughter is happy she just wants her to get a " proper job"

This thread is almost full. Please don't fill it up completely with arguing back and forth!

OP I won't post again unless you start a new thread so just to say best of luck to you and your daughter

@ineedtogetalife

When does the ops responsibilities as a mother end, and when does her daughters responsibilities start?

Just because your kids have kids doesn't mean you stop being a parent. She shouldn't provide for her grandchild but would it kill her to stop judging her daughter?

Considering her child hasn't been born yet I don't see how you can claim that at all?

She works and therefore when op kicks her out she will have to provide, won't she?

She has zero savings for a deposit and will have to be set up in a flat by her parents.

She doesn't care if her daughter is happy she just wants her to get a " proper job"

Rubbish, she just wants her to lead an independent life, not use her boyfriend as a sperm donor and to have her retirement goals met!

@SadieCow

She doesn't care if her daughter is happy she just wants her to get a " proper job"

Rubbish, she just wants her to lead an independent life, not use her boyfriend as a sperm donor and to have her retirement goals met!

So she didn't say that? She definitely did say "proper job"

@stackemhigh

Considering her child hasn't been born yet I don't see how you can claim that at all?

She works and therefore when op kicks her out she will have to provide, won't she?

She has zero savings for a deposit and will have to be set up in a flat by her parents.

Or like everyone else register as homeless and go to the council Her mum does not Have to help at all. She's offering to, seemingly.

@ineedtogetalife

I'm sorry for you op I'm in this position. My daughter has not suffered a loss and is 10 years older. I work 40 hours a week and I am single. Her boyfriend is not pro active so it looks like her and baby will be living with me.
I am 50 and wanted to have freedom to live my life after bringing up my 4 children alone
Her life etc. But the impact on me will be hard
I'm resentful that her choice will impact the life I thought I would have.
I've done it all.,Didn't. Think I'd be doing it again at 50.
If she wants a baby she needs to provide not you.

I think this post is worth repeating.

OP, if you want to post another thread, most of us will continue to support you

@Getyourarseofffthequattro a 19 year old working part time is not acceptable.

What's the reason to only be part time? Whilst still living at home and without DC.

She needed to work full time to become independent, which she didn't p.

No shame with that, maybe you're happy with lazy children, some of us live in the real world and don't expect the "she'll have to be homeless and be housed line".

Imagine if every child decided that.

A young woman with no children not wanting to work full time because she doesn’t like it and with zero savings has no intention of being independent, especially when she’s content for boyfriend to see baby ‘whenever’.

OP, please tell us she is moving out! Stay firm xxx