Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

Why can she not continue living with you with a baby?
You have space, she has a secure job with decent maternity pay, her partner is working to become qualified in a decent job.
Her dad is happy for her to stay, the problem seems to be all yours. I think you need to identify what your problem with this is and takes steps to address the real issues concerning you

I think you need to sort things out with your husband first. You cant persuade your daughter of anything until you and your husband agree. If your daughter becomes a single parent on little to no income with a roof over her head, she is not going to easily able to move out, at a later stage. She will not get a council house if she is living with you and she may not be able to afford to rent somewhere herself. Your husband doesn't seem to mind her being there with the baby but does he really want her to remain completely dependent on you with an older child? What about when you are looking to retire and cant because you've got to support a teenager.
How do things work between you at the moment? It sounds like you support her. How about a conversation with your husband that you want to help her become the best parent she can be and that means growing up and being responsible. Getting your rent paid and your food cooked and your washing done is actually preventing her from reaching her full potential as an adult and even as an adult, raising a baby is so hard. If she isnt given the opportunity to be an adult before she has a baby, she will find it a million times harder and it sounds like you will end up being involved raising the child. Is that right?
Then you need to speak to your daughter. If she is bringing a child into the world she needs to be financially and otherwise responsible for it. She needs to pay you rent starting now, come up with a plan of how she is going to continue to do this with a child, come up with a plan for childcare etc etc. She does not get to make decisions that affect everyone in the house (I'm living here forever! With your grandkids! And you're going to pay for it!) Without their agreement

Gosh, I understand why you don’t want her living in your house with a baby but your post comes across quite harsh. Working 4 days a week in an nhs admin role and helping out at home and with her brother doesn’t sound lazy to me, why are you being so critical? She suffered a serious loss and she’s not making her best decisions right now, but I think you need to approach her more gently

If she wants to be a grown up, she needs to be a grown up. That means independent home and finances. I wouldn’t suggest that a low earning woman has a baby until married unless she’s going to be financially self sufficient.

@EBathory

Why can she not continue living with you with a baby? You have space, she has a secure job with decent maternity pay, her partner is working to become qualified in a decent job. Her dad is happy for her to stay, the problem seems to be all yours. I think you need to identify what your problem with this is and takes steps to address the real issues concerning you

Because it's my house? Why should she play grown ups whilst really not actually being self sufficient at all? She needs her own place if she wants a DC now/soon

Obviously losing a baby is devastating but privately I’d be thinking that she dodged a bullet

MN is like another world sometimes.

@EBathory

Why can she not continue living with you with a baby? You have space, she has a secure job with decent maternity pay, her partner is working to become qualified in a decent job. Her dad is happy for her to stay, the problem seems to be all yours. I think you need to identify what your problem with this is and takes steps to address the real issues concerning you

Perhaps if grown up enough to have a child she is grown up enough to get a tenancy somewhere!

Who is going to look after the baby when she goes back to work after maternity?? She won't get benefits or childcare help because she is living in a wider household.

I'm really sorry for any offensive I've caused, regarding nhs admin. Reality is it isn't well paid at all, and she's part time but has no reason not to be FT? It's just not really a job you hope for your DC, is it? She had so many good results from A Level, I was shocked when she announced she'd be working admin at our local hospital

I agree with her not going to university for the sake of it. I can understand her wanting to conceive. I think you should grit your teeth and be supportive. As for living at home? Fuck that.
I'm a lone parent (but wasn't when I had them) I did receive a bit of support from my parents (nursery pick up once a week and occasional babysitting) but I can assure you that nothing sharpened my desire to improve my education and employability than realising the cost of living and supporting my family.

Obviously losing a baby is devastating but privately I’d be thinking that she dodged a bullet

I don't think that's fair, my daughter had to give birth and go through a labour, all to be devastated and lost for months. I wouldn't wish it for anyone

Maybe you should try getting her one of those 'Real care' babies that they use in education, then perhaps when she sees how hard it is to get up in the night, and all the other stuff connected to actually having her own baby, she might think again.

I definitely think your OH is out of order, although to be honest, your daughter sounds like she's a born homemaker, in view of doing chores etc., without being asked, so maybe she's meant to be a Mum at an early age, but I do agree that they need to get, and pay for, a roof over their heads, rather than relying on you to supply it. I think I would also tell her that your days of waking up hearing a baby cry are well and truly over, and you really don't want to go back to it, although when she does have a child, naturally you'll be more than happy to perform grandmotherly duties.

100# agree with @VeganCheesePlease

As another bereaved mum, the only way I knew how to survive was to try again/be pregnant. Unless you’ve been through it you don’t know what it feels like and I don’t mean this to be rude or mean but you are coming across as controlling and almost heartless.

Yes it’s your house, yes it’s your decision to ask
Your daughter to move out but it seems to me it’s on a condition. A condition your broken daughter may not understand or appreciate and May damage your relationship. It comes across as, if you are trying for a baby then I will not support you and you need to leave but if you are not then you are more than welcome to stay. I’m not saying that is what your intentions are but that is how it comes across and May do for her.

Losing a baby, especially having to go through labour as she will have done and burying/cremating her child is something no one understands until they go through it.

You are so not unreasonable, she essentially wants to play house in your home. I would not be having it, it will impact on you way too much. Tell her that’s fine she can do what she wants but not under your roof and insist that she moves out ASAP.before any baby comes along so she has to manage on her four day week wages. Has she no friends? Does she not want to travel, but nice clothes, drive a nice car. I would be extremely upset in your shoes.

I lost my first aged 18 in horrific circumstances
I was still at home and 3 months later pregnant again. My dm was furious. I lived there till my dd was 7.
In that time I was able to access counselling but had I not had dd first I think my mind would have been less receptive to therapy it was an absolute overwhelming urge to be pregnant again and I had to. It was the only thing that helped. Sometimes in these awful situations you just can’t fight it.

Is there any way you could support your dd with this and stuff the same time help with steps to her moving out or in the near future rather than any sort of ultimatum as whist an ultimatum can sometimes work in other areas of life, after the loss of a baby with a bereaved mother trying to fight the urge yo have a baby in her arms it could just cause deeper psychological scars . Likely that your dd, as I was is just on a one track quest and it may be hard to make her see reality / sense

At , not stuff

@checkyourpops You’re right about the wage etc. A friend of mine from school worked as a ward clerk, she never earned enough to move out as she wouldn’t pass the criteria for mortgage/renting. She’s just turned 41.

I lost a baby at 21 weeks. The only thing that helped me move on was to have another child. I was a bit older than your daughter but it takes over your life completely. There is no rational.

I think you have to accept that this is what she wants. It's what she needs. Yes, she's young, but plenty of young mums are perfectly good mums. She'll be ok but she needs your support.

@checkyourpops

I'm really sorry for any offensive I've caused, regarding nhs admin. Reality is it isn't well paid at all, and she's part time but has no reason not to be FT? It's just not really a job you hope for your DC, is it? She had so many good results from A Level, I was shocked when she announced she'd be working admin at our local hospital

Not really making it better there.

I can understand you thinking she needs to be full time though if possible. Maybe you could sit her down and work out her budget and show her how much difference it would make to her income if she can find a few more hours.

I can't tell whether your high level of disgust and disrespect for your DD is noticed by her - I assume it is as you're so blatant about it here? It makes me so sad to read this. She is her own person carving her own life out. Plenty of people have children young and go onto have a career... there's not a "right order" to do everything. I agree that she needs to think ahead to where she and the growing child will live in future after the immediate baby phase, but that will come in time. Your DH seems a lovely supportive father who wants his DD to be happy.

@BeetyAxe

You are so not unreasonable, she essentially wants to play house in your home. I would not be having it, it will impact on you way too much. Tell her that’s fine she can do what she wants but not under your roof and insist that she moves out ASAP.before any baby comes along so she has to manage on her four day week wages. Has she no friends? Does she not want to travel, but nice clothes, drive a nice car. I would be extremely upset in your shoes.

No, this poor woman doesn’t want to ‘play house’ she wants to somehow heal a tiny part of her broken heart and fill her empty arms after losing her baby You’d think she could count on her dm for comfort and support .

Could you and DH afford counselling for her?

Firstly I’m so sorry for your DD’s loss.

Now she may be only 19 and still living at home, she may not have the ambition or prospects that you would wish for her, but she does have a job and I’m assuming she’s managed to be reliable and keep that job, and she is an adult. All that said she’s gone through a huge HUGE loss, and that loss is no less just because she’s young or because the baby wasn’t planned. There is no loss worse than the loss of a child, and that’s what your DD has lost….her child!!!

I’ll share something, I have 3 wonderful DC and had completed my family. I then had an unplanned pregnancy and lost my little one at 18 weeks earlier this year, there aren’t words big enough to describe the pain I’m going through, and I expect that your daughter is feeling that very same pain. It’s not a pain you can truly understand unless you’ve experienced it.

Your DD’s TTC is a completely normal response to what she has been through. Please know that it’s not something she is doing to you, or being entitled about…it’s driven by an an intense and overwhelming need to ease her own pain….everything in her body and in her life had been geared up for a baby and now that baby is gone….the feeling of emptiness that comes from the void of where your/her baby should be is excruciating. She’s not trying to replace her baby as nothing can do that and I’m sure she wouldn’t want to either, but she is trying to fill that void and I have to say that I can completely understand that.