Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

[quote SadieCow]@pictureframenotperfect surely not a second hand pram......imagine the long tern damage that would cause!

What about the parents of the child actually giving the child what it will need? You want the DGM to supply everything to her daughter, because it's her daughter? But don't expect the actual parents to provide for their own child?

So DGM, must supply for both DD and DGC and the actual parents don't?

How odd ! [/quote]
Pretty certain from reading about the daughter and how much she wants this baby that she will be more than willing to get her baby the things she can but as a mum I'd always want to help my kids and make things easier for them if I could.

Her attitude in the whole thread is terrible towards her daughter from her job, the hours she works, not going to uni to specifying she won't be buying any luxuries and at a push a second hand pram.

Sounds mean, I'd hate her to be my mum

I'm with you OP, I'd do the same.

My kids are 17, 15 & 13 & they know how I feel about the patter of tiny feet.

But why would she? Would you insist she helped with the pram etc If her daughter was 39 and actively tried for a baby? Neither my parents or inlaws provided anything for my child, that is and always will be mine and my husbands job. Its beyond generous that OP will be helping with a flat tbh.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro but full timers are harder workers! Wow!

Imagine, I work hard one day a week, can't supply for my own child.

I work hard five days a week and can.

Wow

It feels different giving to your children when you're more confident you're helping them to launch into decent adult lives. If this 19 year old is going to have a good life and be a good mother she needs a wake up call rather than freebies.

Part timers aren't hard working? Wow

Part timers who aren’t doing anything else with the rest of the week are not as hard working.

Part timers who are, for example, caring for children on their non-working days are just as hard working.

[quote SadieCow]@Getyourarseofffthequattro but full timers are harder workers! Wow!

Imagine, I work hard one day a week, can't supply for my own child.

I work hard five days a week and can.

Wow[/quote]
Utter bollocks. I know full timers who do sweet fa all week and part timers who work their arse off.

When it comes to kids ft is often not better once you have accounted for childcare. For someone who is so condescending it's embarrassing that you clearly don't have much of a grasp on what its really like.

@pictureframenotperfect she might really want the baby and a new pram and everything.

But she can't do it and shouldn't be relying on her DM.

You may have been indulged and had your DM bail you out, but that doesn't make it right.

Is it ok for you to say I'm glad she's not my mum? What about my saying I'm glad you're not my child?

Disappointment goes both ways!

Our attitude is influenced by our parents and out upbringing. A parent saying they don't want their child to be their child is somewhat a reflection on themselves too.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro in case you've not realised, she works part time and DOESN'T have a child 🙄

I think you need to get an understanding about the actual situation, before you start talking about childcare and part time before the DD is in that situation?

Our attitude is influenced by our parents and out upbringing. A parent saying they don't want their child to be their child is somewhat a reflection on themselves too.

I have no clue what you're saying here!

Neither my parents or inlaws provided anything for my child

That’s very unusual. Parents usually fall over each other to buy big stuff for their first grandchild. Mine certainly did.

[quote SadieCow]@Getyourarseofffthequattro in case you've not realised, she works part time and DOESN'T have a child 🙄

I think you need to get an understanding about the actual situation, before you start talking about childcare and part time before the DD is in that situation? [/quote]
... and? So what? So do many people

If she's going to get pregnant there is literally no point upping her hours now, is there?

Because she WILL have childcare to pay for.

I have a grasp on the situation, it seems you're very clouded by ensuring everyone knows how lazy this woman is apparently

@SadieCow

Our attitude is influenced by our parents and out upbringing. A parent saying they don't want their child to be their child is somewhat a reflection on themselves too.

I have no clue what you're saying here!

Not my problem you can't understand a simple statement.

Well the first sentence makes complete sense. Don't know what to make of the second so Sadie isn't alone.

@Blossomtoes

Neither my parents or inlaws provided anything for my child

That’s very unusual. Parents usually fall over each other to buy big stuff for their first grandchild. Mine certainly did.

Not so unusual- my parents and in laws were thrilled about their new GC but bought nothing apart from a bunch of flowers for me.

@checkyourpops To be honest I like your attitude in your latest few posts OP. Stay firm. You have your boundaries and that's ok.xx

You must actually be really worried about your DD.

All you can do is adapt your approach based on whatever happens in the future. If she needs therapy etc at any point then that might be something that's worth you helping her towards, to build her emotional resilience and ability to make rational decisions based on the circumstances she finds herself in. Maybe even pay for her to see a consultant if need be. But hopefully it won't come to that. xx

@Getyourarseofffthequattro she's not going to get pregnant.... she is pregnant.

And you have a grasp on the situation?

My DH is as aghast as I am with this thread his words 'I'd give DD's my last pound... isn't that what every parent would do?' apparently not 🤣 apparently not darling... shocked and horrified with OP's attitude towards her daughter

[quote SadieCow]@Getyourarseofffthequattro she's not going to get pregnant.... she is pregnant.

And you have a grasp on the situation?

[/quote]
So she's going to have childcare to pay for, no?

Do you think she should get a full time job now in all seriousness? It makes no sense at all.

@Notonthestairs

Well the first sentence makes complete sense. Don't know what to make of the second so Sadie isn't alone.

If you're a shitty parent don't be surprised when your kids turn out less than perfect. Your children are a reflection of your parenting.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro she could of course worked full time whilst TTC and maternity leave to provide more for her DC.

So are you saying every woman that wants. DCs should only ever work part time because they'll need childcare in the future?

It's 2021 and we have full time working mothers and shared parental leave.

Notonthestairs
Well the first sentence makes complete sense. Don't know what to make of the second so Sadie isn't alone.
If you're a shitty parent don't be surprised when your kids turn out less than perfect. Your children are a reflection of your parenting.

Literally no sense again! How does your response relate to @Notonthestairs comment?

Getoff- that implies perfect parenting creates perfect children. Neither exist.

[quote SadieCow]@Getyourarseofffthequattro she could of course worked full time whilst TTC and maternity leave to provide more for her DC.

So are you saying every woman that wants. DCs should only ever work part time because they'll need childcare in the future?

It's 2021 and we have full time working mothers and shared parental leave.[/quote]
She could, but she didn't. Just like many other women.

Absolutely not, I'm saying it makes no sense for her to go full time now, because it doesn't.

As it does make more financial sense for SOME WOMEN to part time and it shouldn't be a choice that is looked down upon.

I am a full time working mother, and I know how much childcare costs, and it's frankly fucking irrelevant about shared parental leave because until women earn an equal wage it just isn't viable for many couples.