Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

@EBathory

Why can she not continue living with you with a baby? You have space, she has a secure job with decent maternity pay, her partner is working to become qualified in a decent job. Her dad is happy for her to stay, the problem seems to be all yours. I think you need to identify what your problem with this is and takes steps to address the real issues concerning you

I imagine the OP thought she had left the baby stage behind. DD is 20, and if she had decided to become pregnant I would be encouraging her to have her own place. I wouldn't want to go back to being woken up in the middle of the night by crying babies and all the other issues with having a baby in the house.

But NHS admin entry level work is not well paid. There is no point sugar-coating it. It's absolutely fine to choose to do that for a job, regardless of educational qualifications. It's a good solid job. But it is not a job that will allow you to raise a kid on your wage alone. If she was living independently she would get state help and rightly so. She isn't so she won't, and the burden of financial support will fall on her parents.

@checkyourpops at 19 I had a basic admin apprenticeship paying £4 an hour after getting good a levels because I didn’t want to needlessly do a degree with no clear outcome. Everyone wrote me off but by 24 I’d found the job I wanted, graduated and was on a grad scheme with a starting salary of £30k. Don’t write her off yet. I admittedly didn’t have a child but there is some merit for taking your time to decide.

DS is 11. Baby or no baby, I'm sure DD will have moved out by the time he goes to uni. Probably actually more likely with a baby/child than without TBH.

She has lost her baby. Sometimes the only way to "fix" that is with another baby.

Oh & some admin job with the NHS is actually an incredibly good job for a 19 to achieve! Do you have any idea how hard it is for young people to find any job at the moment?

You seem to be thinking all about what you want & giving no thought at all to the wishes of your adult daughter (whose actual life it is). The only thing you are right about is not being obliged to provide her & her child a home.

You need to ask her what her plans are. Will she return to work? What will she do for childcare? If she is assuming you will provide it you need to tell her that won't be happening so she needs to know how she's going to work it.

Re the house, it's your husband's as much as it is yours. He's as entitled to say it's ok as you are to say it's not. This is the biggest problem you need to sort out.

I do understand a bit better now that another baby might be the only thing DD feels will help heal her, or feel an empty void... but, it can't happen in this house

If she wants a baby, she needs to move out. Which she isn't planning on doing and H seems far to happy to let her continue living here. I don't want a baby in this house 24/7. Babies are hard work. And poor DS is going to senior school in September. Just no, she really really needs her own place. Plus she has no savings, nothing. And why hasn't she pitched for her boyfriend to live here? Why would you TTC with someone you've no intention living with? Honestly I'm going to have to get all thoughts together and asks these things because it just doesn't make much logical sense

[quote checkyourpops]@InnaBun You are right. Sorry. It's just that I had hoped for so much more than this for her. She doesn't want to progress or anything [/quote]
Not everyone is cut out for a career lifestyle. I am academically capable of it however I choose not to because I couldn’t deal with the stress and want a good work/life balance. Money is not everything.

Completely with you on this op. She is not independent and she is not capable of bringing up a child. This is self evident as she is relying on living with you. Unless you can support yourself you cannot support a child and it matters not one jot what she want or needs. The whole point of having a baby is to be able to support it and put it's needs before your own. She not going to be able to do that is She?

She definitely needs to be more self sufficient though and find somewhere to rent with her boyfriend if she has made the decision to try for a baby

You’ve had your life, stop trying to live it through her.
If H says she can stay why would she look to move out? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a basic job and a child by the way.

Losing a baby at 20 weeks must have been horrendous, has she had any help for her grief?

It might be hard to imagine OP but you will fall in love with your grandchild once they are there and you won't be able to imagine life before them.

How's she going to provide? Not you. Her, and him. The parents. It's up to them to provide. Food, water, warmth, shelter. That's what a parent does. If she wants to be a parent, she needs to start planning. And providing.

If she goes to university then she can get pretty hefty childcare coverage and student funding to support her, her partner and her child btw.

I’m trying very hard not to laugh about that but feel the need to correct it to stop other people taking decisions thinking that would be the case. She won’t get any help whatsoever if the situation/hardship could have been foreseen at the time of entry to uni.

Long gone are the days of extensive financial support to single student mothers, and support for the partners? Ha, yeah right!

100% agreed with you OP. Your house, your rules. Absolutely does not make sense for your daughter to have a baby whilst still living with you. She needs to grow up!

Hmm, I think a PP was right when they say I have a H problem. I'm going to have to try and convince him this absolutely is NOT on. And she will not be having any newborn babies sleeping (or not so much!) under this roof. Sometimes we really do need tough love

DH will eventually come round to my way of thinking when he sees I'm dead serious. This is no joking matter

@checkyourpops

I do understand a bit better now that another baby might be the only thing DD feels will help heal her, or feel an empty void... but, it can't happen in this house

If she wants a baby, she needs to move out. Which she isn't planning on doing and H seems far to happy to let her continue living here. I don't want a baby in this house 24/7. Babies are hard work. And poor DS is going to senior school in September. Just no, she really really needs her own place. Plus she has no savings, nothing. And why hasn't she pitched for her boyfriend to live here? Why would you TTC with someone you've no intention living with? Honestly I'm going to have to get all thoughts together and asks these things because it just doesn't make much logical sense

Grief will have thrown all logical sense out of the window

Please please support your dd with this, she will feel horrific as it is but then to have obstacles put up making her feel that the only thing she’s yearning for is harder to achieve / being blocked is not going to help

Your dd going to secondary school I’m not sure is Relevant? A baby won’t affect that at all !

DS is 11. Baby or no baby, I'm sure DD will have moved out by the time he goes to uni. Probably actually more likely with a baby/child than without TBH errr how is someone more likely to move out with more dependents ?

@Feelingbad2

Losing a baby at 20 weeks must have been horrendous, has she had any help for her grief?

As I say, yes she has. Counselling (which she said was very helpful at the time), and numerous FB groups she likes to post on etc

She also spoke to a bereavement mw after the birth which she found useful too

Why does she need her own place?

She can be self supporting whilst living in your house. You have already said she is contributing to the running of the household including entertaining a child that is not her responsibility.

Can you not have a sensible adult conversation with her about her long term housing plans etc?

I my be biased but my 19 year old DD and boyfriend on basic jobs have been able to get a decent flat ready for the arrival of their baby as they were supported in the run up.

If the issue is her entitled attitude and you becoming default parent that's different, but from what you have said about her actions at home I don't see that attitude from her, I just see your abject horror at the idea of a teenage mum.

Obviously losing a baby is devastating and it may feel as if being pregnant and having another baby is the only way to fix this, but it isn’t going to take away the loss which she has already suffered. Neither is having a baby at 19 all about just having a baby. It’s about bringing another human being into the world, having to parent it, provide for it, support it for the next 18 years or so.

The need for another baby is understandable but it’s to simplistic.

But rather than telling her she shouldn’t be TTC, I would be asking her if she’s started looking at places to live, has looked into her childcare options etc because obviously once she has a baby she’ll be living either on her own or with her partner with said baby and not at home with her parents.

Having a baby makes you a grown-up, with grown-up responsibilities. If she wants a baby then fine. But that means she is going to be responsible for the baby. For feeding, clothing, housing it and making sure it’s taken care of while she has to go to work. Because on the salary she’s on she won’t be able to afford not to work.

She needs to see the reality of what she’s proposing, and then she can make her decisions as to how she’s going to be independent.

And secretly I’d be hoping she didn’t manage to fall pregnant, because let’s be honest, the boyfriend who she doesn’t even live with at this point is very unlikely to remain a permanent fixture at 19.

You need to be very clear with her and your DH that you don't want a baby (who will become a mobile toddler very quickly) living in your house.

If your DD wants to be a mother, she needs to do it somewhere else. No one has a right to move their young children into someone else's home without their consent.

I'd ask her to leave now and get set up in her own accommodation so she's organised there for when the baby comes. I'd make it clear that you're prepared to be an involved grandparent, but only in the way grandparents usually are and that does not extend to housing her and the baby. More gifts and occasional visits.

She has the right to live her life the way she wants to (and that includes TTC). You also have that right, and that means you don't need to live with a baby unless you want to.

This is so sad to read. That ad a parent you want to continue to run her life for her when she is 19. Your snobby attitude about her job, She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well

Is insulting to her and everyone else who works in the NHS. It’s the largest organisation in the country, with a good pension scheme and every opportunity to transfer to other areas should she wish

She has had a miscarriage, I assume you have never had one so can’t truly understand, and if you have had one your attitude stinks

I agree about her moving out, but that’s a conversion for you to have calmly with her and encourage her to do so, albeit I think you need to get your dh onside. My guess however is that he has seen his daughter hurting and wants to try and make things better for her, however he can

You need to be very careful, you could damage your relationship for good. You cannot dictate what she can and can’t do with her own body. You don’t have to be supportive if she gets pregnant, but just don’t expect a relationship with her or your grandchild

Supporting your DD through a horrific ordeal doesn’t mean supporting her ttc-...
Also is this the bar people set for their daughters, having a baby at 19 with a man she doesn’t live with whilst living at home on a min wage part time job? And no I’m not a snob, I just don’t know who would actively support their child choosing to struggle through life