Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

I think you could approach this from a different angle. How much experience does your DD have with young babies? Does she know the realities of sleepless nights, constant feeding, nappies? Can you explain this more to her? What are her plans when she finishes maternity leave, childcare etc? If she’s on a low wage then she would be entitled to childcare costs through UC IF she lived alone. But as it stands she lives with you so financial support wouldn’t be offered. I agree the council wouldn’t house her if she has an adequate comfortable home to live in. If she quits her job presumably you’d be required to support her financially? At 19, I had no clue about any of these things. My mum was very open and honest with me about how hard she found having a baby but it was still a shock when I actually had one! (As it is for many)

I had a miscarriage albeit at a much earlier stage and I agree that the only thing that helped lift the pain slightly was to get pregnant again which I was fortunate to do so very quickly. But that doesn’t mean I was incapable of rational thinking.

I agree counselling would help her. I had counselling for about 9 months after my miscarriage. It sounds like she hasn’t been able to process it

I can totally understand. Its one thing to row in and support an unplanned pregnancy because it happened before a couple were set up, but to actively ttc is a different story. At the very least I would be charging rent and properly so (full rate). You could put that away for her as a deposit for a house as you say.

I cannot imagine wanting a small baby living with me fulltime at that part of my life either.

@bouncystorm

Was the baby she lost planned or a "accident?" I'm very sorry to hear of her loss, but I think you are being given an unfair hard time on here OP. It would seem she doesn't want the relationship and their own family set up together, but just a baby for herself.

It was unplanned. There were lots of tears and her boyfriends mum was in contact with me, begging me to say I'd make DD abort. Which I absolutely would not, in a million years. He eventually came round after 12 week scan

YANBU.

Tell your DH it’s not happening, and tell your DD she is being entitled beyond measure. She needs therapy to deal with the miscarriage, not a baby at 19! Tell her she cannot just live on in your house! What planet is she on? Tell her to go on the waiting list for a council house if she’s so determined to have a baby, or go and privately rent. Lunacy.

There’s not a chance in hell I’d be supporting a 19 year old, still living at home, with TTC. Very selfish and entitled of her, if she’s going to adult and be a planned parent she definitely needs her own place. If she is so hell bent on having a kid I’d encourage her to find somewhere independent to live NOW, and try out adulting first.

It’s absolutely ridiculous to foster her choice on you, you know you’ll become a surrogate mother to the baby, cleaning, cooking, helping at night when she’s too tired or unwell, washing, etc. and subsidising the living costs for her for years as she won’t be able to work while having a baby to look after, and chidcare on a shit wage which she’d be in given her youth and inexperience, would not be a financially feasible option.

Your husband is less likely to do any of the hands on stuff, and he’s a giant thoughtless twat to encourage her current thinking especially without seeing if you were onboard to what will be a massive change to your own life.

Sorry to hear of your dd’s loss. I have had a late miscarriage and all I wanted was another child. That was partly due to years of infertility and wanting another child and being rather old and knowing I did not have time to wait to try again.

However, not having money/savings/ability to rent and wanting a child is a separate set of issues. Can you talk to your husband and agree to charge your DD rent, so she understand that life costs. And if she is to have a child, she will need to use her salary to lay for rent for her and her child, food, bills. If she starts to pay now, she may begin to understand what it is like to be an adult with a child to pay for. Even if you put the money aside to give her as a deposit for her one bedroom Ed flat to move into with child!

I expect your dd is thinking her parents will babysit so she can have a social life, pay for everything etc ... so changing things now might make her evaluate her part-time job and salary and expectations.

[quote checkyourpops]@Bottlefeeding Obviously mucky toddlers aren't the only reason I don't want a baby in the house full time! As I said from the start, it's the whole dynamic. Not just mess they make obviously. But my daughters independence, being able to provide for her DC on her own/with boyfriend, wanting to retire properly and downsize. Not just mucky hands [/quote]
Nice way to refer to your grandchildren

Absolutely agree with everything @Lillygolightly has said. It's completely normal to be desperate to get pregnant and have a baby after a miscarriage, especially at 20 weeks, your poor DD.

However you're right that it shouldn't just be put on you to financially support her etc. I think you could look at rental properties with her and have her see it as a positive step forward rather than you throwing her out.

I get where you are coming from. I think most people would feel the same.
But the 'not in my house' approach is unlikely to work on something so emotional.
Perhaps apologise to her for the way you put your point across and don't make it so much about not TTC as 'you'll be a great mum but in order to be proper parents you need your own space. Babies are stressful, we don't want you not able to enjoy your child because you are trying to stop a baby crying so as not to wake your brother etc'.
Then sit down and say if you are going to do this lets start looking at flats you can afford, see what help you might be entitled to. Approach it from a 'how can we make it work' rather than just telling her it won't. The reality of viewings of places that don't match what she is accustomed to might kick in. Or she may not care. It does sound like she is naturally quite maternal/ a home bird.
The other obvious issue is she could already be pregnant.
While you are right, don't entrench yourself in a position you can't come back from..

What your DD does is very little to do with you.

If it impacts on the OP's life of course it will. Would you want a small baby living in your house again when you thought you had moved on from that stage?

In fact I would be tempted to take your dd on tours of one bedroom flats, say you will pay her first 6 months rent, after that she is on her own, but you will not pay any bills, council tax or food costs. As she has decided she wants a child, she needs to live in her own place, so try the renting first.

Hopefully she will return home after 6 months and may reconsider whether now is the time to have a child.

It's pretty obvious that you have no clue what your daughter is going through and your main concern is your house getting messed up.
I think how you handle this now will set the tone for your future relationship.
It sounds like she does a lot to help you that you haven't asked for and I have to wonder if it's partly because of the way you treat her. It certainly sounds like you don't approve of her from this post.

Would-be parents need to take responsibility for their own lifestyle choices rather than foisting them on others. An accidental pregnancy would be different, but this is not the situation here.

There is a big gap between housing a baby with all the disruption that entails and being involved in its day-to-day care (which often happens to grandparents who live with their grandchildren) and not caring about your grandchild at all. Many grandparents would prefer to visit once a week and have the fun moments rather than be forced into being proxy parents. There's nothing wrong with that.

I think I would find a help group for teen mothers and ask them if she can speak to them about their experiences as when she realises how hard it is it may put her off. plus look into grief counselling for her. While I get the bit where you think its irresponsible of her to have a child - she is clearly grieving and you are just laying it on her about moving out etc. You could be more supportive of her grief.

I’m really confused by some of the responses on this thread....why are people advocating that it’s a great idea for a 19yo who only works part time and has no main assets or home of their own to have a baby whilst living in the home of someone else who doesn’t wish to have a baby in the house?! I don’t believe you are unreasonable at all @checkyourpops - but it does seem you’ve allowed her to dodge any independence so far😬. You need to make your views clear so she understands you will support her emotionally but she will need to finance this desire independently!!!

I lost a baby boy a few years ago, similar gestation. I don't think I can describe the absolute obsession with getting pregnant again. Hormones are all over the place and make you ache for a baby. Our son was very much planned and we had another baby a year later. Please be supportive to her, the absolute ache to have a baby following a loss is so powerful. Could you talk to her and support her in getting her own place before TTC. Set up her own life.

@BonnieDundee

YABU

I can assure you that people working in admin jobs in the NHS are far from lazy. I worked in an admin job in the NHS when I had my first baby but I feel like you think thats not good enough

Cantnyou just support her? If I had space for my 19 year old and their baby I'd be a damned sight happier than her moving in with a boyfriend you don't feel.is right for her.

In fact you come across as very interfering. You don't get to tell her how to live her life. She is not a mini me of you. She is.her own person. If you don't want her to live at home that's your prerogative but dont be surprised if she cuts down contact.

She won’t support her because she wants a perfect house with no children or babies around. If it was my mum I’d be out of there and if I had kids in the future I wouldn’t return home. Shocking that a mum can’t support her daughter.

@Aalvarino

Who is going to look after the baby when she goes back to work after maternity?? She won't get benefits or childcare help because she is living in a wider household.

That’s completely inaccurate

Wow you have been really really awful there. 'Let herself down' and 'doesn't have a proper job'?! I work 4 days a week in an admin role, is that not a proper job or it it just your DD it isn't a proper job for? The poor girl lost her baby last year is it any wonder she's hurting. Your husband sounds lovely and supportive and you're being fucking nasty to both of them. Stop forcing them to live the way YOU want them to. If you want to downsize then off you go and get yourself a one bed flat.

It’s a tough one OP but you and your husband need to put up a united front.

And as someone who had a stillbirth I will say yes wanting to TTC and the urge to have a baby after is overwhelming but I got through it with therapy and accepting it was a response to trauma. Was it horrible? absolutely but I can honestly say I’m glad I didn’t rush into another pregnancy.

I sympathise with you both. Honestly nobody should be TTC working part time on minimum wage, with no savings and not planning on living with the dad. The reality is baby’s cost money and being a new mum is hard without support. Unplanned pregnancies happen but actively TTC whilst living at home with no plans of moving out is selfish not just for your family but for the baby as well.

However don’t be too harsh or critical with your daughter have an open and frank discussion with her about putting her future child first and making sure she’s in the right place both mentally and financially.

Good luck OP

It's up to them really isn't it. They both have jobs and can support themselves. However you absolutely don't have to have them live under your roof. If she wants to make those choices then she rents a place with her partner, pool their incomes and support their child. make that clear to her. Yes if it was my daughter I would make it clear that if she is responsible enough to become a parent, she moves out.

Ah, I just had a thought @checkyourpops . You thought she'd be at uni and so out of the house ready for your downsizing, didn't you? Otherwise it'd be surprizing for a lot of young people to move out at 19 now- it's not uncommon for someone to still be living at home then.

Which isn't to say that you should have to be ok with the baby plan of course. Families support their daughters by doing that when a baby in unplanned. It's not a usual set-up for someone to plan to do it.

@Greenbks

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Agree with this 100% what a disgusting comment @SlugsAreBastards

oh dear, I'm not sure I actually believe what I have just read OP.
She is your child and she is hurting.
And you don't want' mucky hands in your perfect house.
I'd fucking put her up if she needs somewhere to live.
You must have a cold cold heart.

I am very supportive of her grief, and make a point of talking about my lost GD regularly. She's pictured on my wall in her little knitted outfit, and has her own family bauble at Christmas ❤️

But this is different. This would be an intentional pregnancy when she has no means to house a child or provide for them properly. It's not just me wanting to downsize. It's the care that comes with a GC under the same roof - you almost always end up taking on lots of extra work. But I don't want to. I don't want to care for a GC in my house. I want to visit. I want to hand them back properly and return to peace. This isn't what I wanted and I'm sorry, it's my house, she doesn't get to disturb that