Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

you are the problem OP. Sort out the issue with the house between you and your husband first. Find compromise there. What your DD does is very little to do with you.

@EBathory I really don't want a baby living here, that's why. Fine, if she wants to have a baby with no financial security then that's her choice, but I'm not going to help facilitate that by letting her live here

She doesn't pay rent because H won't allow it. I should've done what my friend does for her DC and asked for rent, then put it away for her. Then I could've given her that to put towards a little place. So that's my mistake I know

I had my first child at 19, she wasn’t planned, but my second at 21 was, as was our third at 29. All the same dad, we are still together and very much in love. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it was the making of me.

Why not set up a long term plan where you help them to eventually move out by a certain time ? Perhaps when potential baby is a year old for example
They could work / save/ have motivation from you to look for a flat etc

[quote checkyourpops]@EBathory I really don't want a baby living here, that's why. Fine, if she wants to have a baby with no financial security then that's her choice, but I'm not going to help facilitate that by letting her live here

She doesn't pay rent because H won't allow it. I should've done what my friend does for her DC and asked for rent, then put it away for her. Then I could've given her that to put towards a little place. So that's my mistake I know [/quote]
You can start charging rent now ? As part of the long term plan ?

Oh what a situation, am really sorry OP.

I think the first step is to talk to your husband. I’m assuming you both want a bright future for her. Keep a cool head (!) a d find out where his head is at. I think you have to talk about your fears for her, how is she going to support a baby or have a life with some pleasure in it with no money? Talk about his own desire not to downsize so that doesn’t get in the way of this. Then, I think you have to talk about the fact that allowing her to stay at home like an overgrown kid is going to be the worst thing for her long term.

In terms of your daughter, it’s not want any parent would want but you can’t stop her so you have to grit your teeth and be neutral and supportive. She should move out, but perhaps you and DH could assist this by contributing to rent (as a stepping stone.)

More counselling also sounds like a good idea. Also leave travel brochures all over the place!

In the end it’s up to her, hard though it is. If she does conceive it’s not the best start to adult life, but it doesn’t mean she won’t build a good life for herself. Above all don’t fall out with her.

You comments about the admin job are being taken out of context. If your daughter has good A levels of course you’d hope she would get a better paid job with career prospects. It does not mean you think admin jobs or the people who do them are worth less.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

DS is 11. Baby or no baby, I'm sure DD will have moved out by the time he goes to uni. Probably actually more likely with a baby/child than without TBH errr how is someone more likely to move out with more dependents ?

That is reality. Either because having a child makes them do the very thing so many posters are saying and "grow up" or - as is often the case - having a child helps with your entitlement to/priority for social housing.

I think getting to the bones of it all, the solution is

Asking her to move out, and put your house up for sale in order to downsize. That should show her you mean it, but also give her time to get a good few months wages etc sorted for a flat deposit etc.

Remove the emotions completely because it's becoming too heated. You can't understand her actions and she can't understand the searing pain she feels over her loss. There's no right and wrong, just different perspectives.

@SlugsAreBastards

She is obviously being ludicrous but she’s still a kid and needs strong guidance. Tell her she needs to get her own place first then TTC. Your DH sounds like a wet lettuce and I’d be furious too. Was her last pregnancy accidental or was she actively trying?

Does she have a job? Can her boyfriend support her and a baby? What are her aspirations? To be a mum at 20 in a shitty flat with no money? Obviously losing a baby is devastating but privately I’d be thinking that she dodged a bullet and would be telling her in the strongest terms to live first and get her own home and financially stability sorted.

Can you get her some decent private counselling? Probably cheaper in the long run than having her and a GC living at home.

Losing a baby means she dodged a bullet? Fucking disgusting.

I’m with you OP.

I’d tell your DH that you’ll move out if she has a baby and stays living rent free in the family home.

How hands on a parent was your DH for his own children? Did he really carry his full share of parenting or did he leave a lot of it to you? Does he perhaps have a very rosy view of DC? And not think that it will have much impact on his life ?

@checkyourpops

I know she's technically allowed to TTC but come on, surely it's ridiculous?

She doesn't want to go to university. She says it's a waste of time unless it's something very specific you must be qualified for.

Her staying with us seems like such a silly idea. Really annoyed at husband for trying to facilitate it

Quite honestly she’s on the money about getting into £50k+ of debt to get a degree. She could have an excellent future in the NHS without a degree.

As for having a baby after her loss, are you seriously struggling to understand that? It’s the most normal reaction in the world. It’s a good thing she’s got one supportive parent.

Having a baby at 19 isn’t bad, having an admin job at 19 isn’t bad and finally not going to uni at 19 isn’t bad.

Some of the things you are saying are awful it’s like you resent her for not having the life you wanted for her. Your Dd has suffered a horrific trauma and I’m not surprised she’s wants to fill that urge and grief with trying for another baby it’s what I did.

You sound like you want her out of the house regardless of a baby or not so you need to support her and let her know. Maybe talk her through prices of houses or flats to rent and give her a deadline of say 3-6 months to save
A deposit and do it. This is your daughter and your flesh and blood she needs help and support .

@checkyourpopsat 19 I had a basic admin apprenticeship paying £4 an hour after getting good a levels because I didn’t want to needlessly do a degree with no clear outcome. Everyone wrote me off but by 24 I’d found the job I wanted, graduated and was on a grad scheme with a starting salary of £30k. Don’t write her off yet. I admittedly didn’t have a child but there is some merit for taking your time to decide.

Whereas I and many other people I know who went to uni straight from school, got into debt and could only find minimum wage jobs on the other side. Sometimes it's much better to get into work and keep your options open.

I really feel for your DD, that is a massive trauma to go through, especially at such a young age. As many posters have already pointed out often the only way to cope with the pain is to ttc again. She probably wont be thinking rationally, her urge to have a baby in her arms will come before everything else. I don't think there is really much you can do to stop her.

It's absolutely her choice to have a child, but absolutely your right to say not under my roof.

I think you need to roar at your DH, and put a united front to her and her BF saying you support and love them, but this is your home not theirs and if they're to be parents, then they need their own home.

So you admit enabling her entitled attitude by allowing her not to become a proper adult with a job and pay her own way. Ok your choice you live with the fact you now need to appear the cold hard one in evicting her now.

On her wage with no overheads she can have the deposit and first months rent saved in a few months, add in her partners wages and they can rent.

Encourage her to move out, don't belittle her want for a baby

@EBathory

Why can she not continue living with you with a baby? You have space, she has a secure job with decent maternity pay, her partner is working to become qualified in a decent job. Her dad is happy for her to stay, the problem seems to be all yours. I think you need to identify what your problem with this is and takes steps to address the real issues concerning you

^This But then culturally we don’t look down on adult children living at home. Even with partners and their children. If you have the space, why not?

The whole “must be independent from family” to be an adult is cultural. We think more in terms that it’s “must contribute to the family” to be an adult.

@FinallyHere

How hands on a parent was your DH for his own children? Did he really carry his full share of parenting or did he leave a lot of it to you? Does he perhaps have a very rosy view of DC? And not think that it will have much impact on his life ?

He was very good with both DC. Very involved with taking them out. They all have a nice relationship and he takes DD and DS out separately once a month, it's their 'thing'. Back then, people would comment that i was so lucky to have him!

I'd actually divorce over this. I do not want to live with a baby or worse, a toddler/pre-schooler, again. NOr should your son's life be disrupted by a baby.

But she just can't continue living here if she has a baby
So what will you do when she turns around in a week and tells you she's pregnant? You keep saying you won't have it in your house but are you actually going to pack her a suitcase and dump it outside and change the locks?

Talk to her about more counselling, the state of her relationship, maybe offer to pay for her to go away and have a gap year or go travelling, broaden her horizons.

Tough love? Kicking your own daughter out of your massive house? Jesus OP what an absolute piece of work you are. Your daughter has lost a pregnancy and is understandably grieving. Be supportive no matter what her life choices are.

@osbertthesyrianhamster Thank you, I probably won't divorce over it but I will be furious with him. I don't want a baby/small child in this house again. It's perfect and done up exactly to how I want, no Micky hands

*mucky hands etc. There's more to it obviously but you get the idea

I agree with @osbertthesyrianhamster. Your DH probably thinks you'll step up and help with the baby if your DD gets bored/fed up. So it's easy for him to offer a place to stay.

@Bagamoyo1

I’m with you OP. I’d tell your DH that you’ll move out if she has a baby and stays living rent free in the family home.

Yep. Me too. I feel for you, OP, it's a tough situation all round and you sound like a responsible, normal, caring parent.