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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour complaining about noise

281 replies

YoureGoingToHateMe · 08/06/2021 23:06

I have 2dc - 5yo and 8yo - and today a neighbour came over to ask me to take them inside as they were making too much noise. It was at about 6pm and they’d been playing outside for no more than 45 minutes. Dc2 is partially deaf and is currently being assessed for autism. He sings constantly, not screaming but it is loud and it’s repetitive. Generally it’s the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean while he’s in the garden, occasionally other similar tunes but always the same tune once he has started iyswim.

Neighbour claims it has been going on for hours (it hadn’t, it was definitely around 45 minutes, that she is unable to open the windows in her house as it means she can’t hear her tv/ radio: husband talking and that it had been going on all summer, she just couldn’t stand it anymore and unless I did something about it she would be reporting me to the council.

This neighbour is a second home owner, she only came down around a month ago and is generally here 3-4 days a week. Both our gardens are fairly large and have tress planted down the side. I’ve hopefully attached a diagram as it’s hard to explain that she’s not our direct neighbour but also is, if that makes any sense at all.

I don’t doubt she can hear him while she is in the garden but there is absolutely no way the noise is drowning out her tv etc as she’s claiming. It’s also only been going on for the last couple of weeks as the weather has been so awful lately that we’ve barely been in the garden anyway. The most we’re ever in the garden is a couple of hours a day and most of that time I’ll be out there with them anyway and when I’m there I always make sure dc2 is keeping noise down and distract him from his otherwise constant singing. For the last couple of weeks they’ve been going out for half an hour or so after tea while I’m inside clearing up. It’s never later than 7pm and never before about 10 in the morning.

I explained to her that dc2 was partially deaf and being assessed for autism. She said that’s not her problem (fair enough but I was just trying to explain why he does it) and that next time she heard it she would be recording it and making a noise diary as she had seen suggested on the council website.

AIBU to let dc play in the garden despite knowing how much noise dc2 makes while I’m inside?

TL:DR neighbour expects me to keep my admittedly noisy child quiet while in the garden even though it’s only ever for short periods of time during the day

Neighbour complaining about noise
OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 09/06/2021 11:38

My DD1 (12) is hearing impaired and wears hearing aids and SEN. (She’s also adopted and has attachment issues.) Even now, she struggles to modulate her voice; she has a tendency to either whisper or shout. And when she was your DS’s age, she used to keep singing ‘Let it go’ from Frozen (or playing it on repeat on the DVD), so I’ve been there!

She has improved considerably now, as a result of years in school, but at your DS’s age it would have been a different matter.

Grimacingfrog · 09/06/2021 11:39

@vivainsomnia

I’ve said the times that my children are outside making noise. There’s not a lot of point in replying to the thread if you’ve decided that I’m lying about the times that they’re outside* Well she says it's a lot longer, so clearly one is lying. My neighbour also claimed that her kids were outside much less than they really were. Of course, I'm not your neighbour, so who know.

It is clear from your post that you have no care whatsover that she is being highly disturbed by your children, and yes that is concerning. Additional needs doesn't mean every behaviour is permitted when that behaviour highly disturbed others. And before I'm jumped on again, I've worked with children with autism for a number of years in residential homes, and one thing you do try to manage is the noise they make and the impact in has on neighbours. As to say that the Council can't do a thing, that is wrong too. We were informed that if the noise was above a certain level of decibels and for more than 1 hour, they could very much consider it excessive noise.

And what does it matter than it is a holiday home? It's still their home, or is there resentment that they are second home owner and therefore deserve to be disturbed?

What a load of nonsense. Absolutely projecting your issues onto the OP.

If this neighbour was reasonable, she'd try and compromise and negotiate about timings. She's clearly not reasonable. Maybe you aren't either.

And working with children with autism is not the same as having a child with autism.

MrsMaizel · 09/06/2021 11:40

I think the fact that it is her second home is irrelevant and just designed to garner a US v THEM feeling on here . I think your idea of having another chat with her is a good idea when you are both in a less agitated frame of mind . She might be more understanding and you might be more aware of her point of view.

mcmooberry · 09/06/2021 11:44

I have zero sympathy for your neighbour in this case, she sounds unreasonably intolerant as well as a deeply unpleasant person with her "not my problem" to the explanation of partial deafness of your child.

I do understand that repetitive singing would be annoying but, by totally exaggerating the length and volume of the intrusion, she has totally lost the moral high ground.

Sorry she has moved in next to you.

Snuggleworm · 09/06/2021 11:44

Ok so I am going to prob get a lot of back ash for this but there are always 2 sides to every story and whilst I agree to some extent with you neighbour, I doubt she can report you to the council LOL.
I have neighbours who have 3 children and these children are very very noisy. They are gorgeous children and I just want to add that I do not mind normal kid chatter, shrieks of excitement etc but these kids scream and scream quite a bit ( parents never intervene with fights etc) and I have been tempted to ask my neighbour could she keep them in at certain times while I am on zoom calls. I also have to shut all windows in the house when they are out int he garden.
Two weeks ago in particular, I was at my lowest nerve with them and was so temted to ask her could she stop them screaming. I might have even come on here to have a bitch about it. But ya know what? it has been lockdown, they are cooped up for the past year, I have been working fromm home which is something I would not normally do so I amn here all the time too and probing pissing them off :)
Also, as much as they annoy me, I live with neighbours and yes their screams are assaulting my ear drums but what can I do but move. And that is not an option.
Maybe ask her is there a particualr time she would prefer them to be indoors? Maybe a chat to see if you can work it out but I do get where she is coming from too.
It is a difficult situatuon to be in. I think one poster said you are entitled to be out in your own garden etc but is she not entitled to use her garden too and she obviously can't if your kids are making noise . If it is only 45 mins though, she should just grin and bare it.
I just have no patience for kids though, 48 and menopausal. They just annoy me LOL, maybe she is the same.

Peace43 · 09/06/2021 11:49

She’s being unreasonable. Kids are noisy. Autistic kids / ADHD kids are noisier (I have some). Protect quiet times so no garden at 7am or 10pm, other than that your kids are entitled to enjoy the garden. It can’t be helped if they are a bit noisy. Even NT kids (have one of them too) aren’t quiet!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/06/2021 11:55

Any loud repetitive noise for 45 mins can be highly irritating and presumably this is her second home to escape the stresses (and irritating noises) where she usually lives so is doubly sensitive.

She doesn’t get special dispensation for her second home to be made into what she hoped it would be, to the detriment of full-time residents, just because she chose somewhere unsuited to her requirements. If I lived in Derby and bought a second home because I wanted to be near to the coast, but chose to buy a holiday home in Milton Keynes - even a £5m mansion - would it be up the council and full-time residents of MK to drag the town closer to the sea or would it have been my own stupid fault?

Surely you can teach your child to be quieter and respectful?

Why do her likes trump those of a child (who lives there all the time)? Why can’t she be respectful of his need to act/behave exactly like the young disabled child that he is.

Additional needs doesn't mean every behaviour is permitted when that behaviour highly disturbed others. And before I'm jumped on again, I've worked with children with autism for a number of years in residential homes, and one thing you do try to manage is the noise they make and the impact in has on neighbours.

What do you suggest, then – keep children locked indoors permanently? Maybe stand there with your hand over a baby’s mouth at all times, in case it has the disgraceful audacity to cry? Why does the person with the unrealistic expectation of permanent quiet get to choose over those with children who behave like children? Every single person who complains about children’s noise was once a child themselves.

What about people using lawn mowers or power tools? Most people use them regularly and don’t go around to warn/ask permission from every neighbour. You can wish for absolute silence 24/7, just as you can wish for a golden unicorn coated with moondust and wearing crystal stilettoes, but that doesn’t mean you will get it, or indeed are entitled to it. As OP said, she got her way for 23 hours of the day; why should she expect the last hour as well to go her way, at the expense of a young disabled child?

Bottleup · 09/06/2021 12:03

I would tell her to do one and let your children enjoy their garden bless them. You tried being nice and explaining and she didn't care so now I would show her no sympathy. Hope your kids have an awesome summer.

Rfjkf · 09/06/2021 12:12

I'm in the minority and think that you have no right to visit your noise on your neighbour. Why should someone else have to put up with noise from your household?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/06/2021 12:13

I think the fact that it is her second home is irrelevant and just designed to garner a US v THEM feeling on here.

I disagree. She seems to expect to have things on her terms for the time she's there - presumably more during the summer months which everybody wants to make the most of, not just her, and then the people who are still there the rest of the year can have whatever she's happy to leave them with. It's a bit like telling somebody that you must share an umbrella and you will get it on the days when it rains, but they can have it all the rest of the time.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/06/2021 12:13

let her report your disabled child to the council. She will look a twat.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 09/06/2021 12:15

@BlackeyedSusan

let her report your disabled child to the council. She will look a twat.
This.

Don’t go round

Original poster
YoureGoingToHateMe · 09/06/2021 12:15

We’ve tried various hearing aids with dc2 but at the moment he won’t wear them. He’s now got to the point that he won’t let anyone touch his ears and if he sees you looking at his ears for too long he’ll get his big headphones to put over them. His specialist and I have decided to put hearing aids on hold until he gets a diagnosis wrt autism so that we can hopefully be given some advice on how to help him get over this.

He is quieter when I’m in the garden with him but certainly not silent. I’m a single parent and I work so having 30 minutes or so just to tidy up after tea is needed tbh. If I absolutely had to I could tidy up once they’re asleep or stick them on screens while I do it but I have a garden, it’s completely contained and safe and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to let him out there once a day.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 09/06/2021 12:16

I think I'd tell her to politely get stuffed.
Are there many DC around the area? Your neighbour would have a breakdown living around here, lots of lively little people.

sqirrelfriends · 09/06/2021 12:16

What a piece of work she is. I guarantee you the council won't care about her complaint.

If she comes round again mentioning the council, tell her to go ahead and you will do the same regarding harassment.

SkodaKodiaq · 09/06/2021 12:18

The council will not entertain ANY complaints about noise from children. So she can crack on!!

XelaM · 09/06/2021 12:19

Wow how rude of your neighbour! We have an autistic next door neighbour and she often screams and talks to herself very loudly in the garden. I wouldn't dream of complaining! She has every right to enjoy her own garden and I very much sympathise with her mother

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/06/2021 12:21

I'm in the minority and think that you have no right to visit your noise on your neighbour. Why should someone else have to put up with noise from your household?

Have you ever actually encountered a child in your life (I'm assuming you were one once), let alone one who is deaf and likely has ASD? What about people of any age with disabilities that sometimes cause them to make involuntary noises?

Would you also expect blind people to be banned from public places, just because you don't like any noises, faint smells or potential to moult of their guide dogs?

It's called society - and you can be sure that you too (like the rest of us) will have some habits, tendencies or behaviours that might not be everybody else's absolute favourites.

WooTwo · 09/06/2021 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TableFlowerss · 09/06/2021 12:27

The council will laugh her out if the office OP so let her complain away - the silly bitch.

If it was at 11pm or 6am then fair enough, but honesty, children playing outside giggling and singing, especially when they’re young and have SEN will not be a problem ti the council, so don’t you worry.

Your neighbour is a fun their prick and given that you told her about your DC disability and her reaction to it then I’d be even less likely to give a shit about how she feels OP.

These are the type of people that live until they’re 100 🙄🙄🙄

TableFlowerss · 09/06/2021 12:28

fun theif

Snugglepumpkin · 09/06/2021 12:30

Tell her she should have bought a second home in a retirement village instead of a family home if she wanted to ruin a community & have low noise levels at the same time.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2021 12:32

@pictureframenotperfect

Surely you can teach your child to be quieter and respectful?
Oh yes. So easy.

And SEN aside. They're children, It's summer and they're entitled to play in their own garden.

( I recommend a trampoline up against the fence. That'll show her what noise is!)

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 09/06/2021 12:32

I can't believe people giving OP advice about hearing aids etc. I very much doubt OP has just vaguely noticed her son is deaf without accessing medical support. I'm sure she's carefully investigated the various options and considered which is appropriate for her son's particular issues.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2021 12:33

@Rfjkf

I'm in the minority and think that you have no right to visit your noise on your neighbour. Why should someone else have to put up with noise from your household?
Yep. You're right. You're in the minority.

I assume you never use garden equipment or power tools?

(Or you live in the middle of nowhere)