Neighbour complaining about noise

[YoureGoingToHateMe]

I have 2dc - 5yo and 8yo - and today a neighbour came over to ask me to take them inside as they were making too much noise. It was at about 6pm and they’d been playing outside for no more than 45 minutes. Dc2 is partially deaf and is currently being assessed for autism. He sings constantly, not screaming but it is loud and it’s repetitive. Generally it’s the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean while he’s in the garden, occasionally other similar tunes but always the same tune once he has started iyswim.

Neighbour claims it has been going on for hours (it hadn’t, it was definitely around 45 minutes, that she is unable to open the windows in her house as it means she can’t hear her tv/ radio: husband talking and that it had been going on all summer, she just couldn’t stand it anymore and unless I did something about it she would be reporting me to the council.

This neighbour is a second home owner, she only came down around a month ago and is generally here 3-4 days a week. Both our gardens are fairly large and have tress planted down the side. I’ve hopefully attached a diagram as it’s hard to explain that she’s not our direct neighbour but also is, if that makes any sense at all.

I don’t doubt she can hear him while she is in the garden but there is absolutely no way the noise is drowning out her tv etc as she’s claiming. It’s also only been going on for the last couple of weeks as the weather has been so awful lately that we’ve barely been in the garden anyway. The most we’re ever in the garden is a couple of hours a day and most of that time I’ll be out there with them anyway and when I’m there I always make sure dc2 is keeping noise down and distract him from his otherwise constant singing. For the last couple of weeks they’ve been going out for half an hour or so after tea while I’m inside clearing up. It’s never later than 7pm and never before about 10 in the morning.

I explained to her that dc2 was partially deaf and being assessed for autism. She said that’s not her problem (fair enough but I was just trying to explain why he does it) and that next time she heard it she would be recording it and making a noise diary as she had seen suggested on the council website.

AIBU to let dc play in the garden despite knowing how much noise dc2 makes while I’m inside?

TL:DR neighbour expects me to keep my admittedly noisy child quiet while in the garden even though it’s only ever for short periods of time during the day

@vivainsomnia

I know exactly how your neighbour feels and I am flabbergasted that most think it is appropriate. Of course you are going to say it is only for a few minutes there and then, the reality is always very different.

We too had a kid next door that sang non stopped and it was hell. High pitched, off tune repeating songs that was just close to torture to listen to. Like you it would seem, the parents were not bothered at all. Like your neighbour, it was so disturbing that we couldn't even be inside with the windows opened.

Of course a child with autism is going to find it harder to adapt. I expect that's not the issue. The issue is you doing nothing about it and expecting the neighbours to either cope in frustration, lock themselves indoors, and plan their day to be in the garden around your schedule.

In the end, I got so fed up with their attitude that it was just the way it was having to wish at all to try to reduce the noise, I did what I thought I never would and started to make noise in the garden at 7am, ie. the time we could be outside our garden undisturbed. Of course they went mad as it woke their child, but that discomfort was no worse than us not being able to enjoy the garden during the day without our heartrate going up because of the stress of the constant singing.

Thankfully they left before Xmas, and we now have a family with lovely children, who are told off when they get too loud and brought inside. It's bliss!

Wow. You sound like a complete arsehole

@vivainsomnia

I know exactly how your neighbour feels and I am flabbergasted that most think it is appropriate. Of course you are going to say it is only for a few minutes there and then, the reality is always very different.

We too had a kid next door that sang non stopped and it was hell. High pitched, off tune repeating songs that was just close to torture to listen to. Like you it would seem, the parents were not bothered at all. Like your neighbour, it was so disturbing that we couldn't even be inside with the windows opened.

Of course a child with autism is going to find it harder to adapt. I expect that's not the issue. The issue is you doing nothing about it and expecting the neighbours to either cope in frustration, lock themselves indoors, and plan their day to be in the garden around your schedule.

In the end, I got so fed up with their attitude that it was just the way it was having to wish at all to try to reduce the noise, I did what I thought I never would and started to make noise in the garden at 7am, ie. the time we could be outside our garden undisturbed. Of course they went mad as it woke their child, but that discomfort was no worse than us not being able to enjoy the garden during the day without our heartrate going up because of the stress of the constant singing.

Thankfully they left before Xmas, and we now have a family with lovely children, who are told off when they get too loud and brought inside. It's bliss!

What exactly do you propose she does about it?

And you, as an adult, stopping to competitive noise making with a child... wow. You have some issues.

@vivainsomnia

I know exactly how your neighbour feels and I am flabbergasted that most think it is appropriate. Of course you are going to say it is only for a few minutes there and then, the reality is always very different.

We too had a kid next door that sang non stopped and it was hell. High pitched, off tune repeating songs that was just close to torture to listen to. Like you it would seem, the parents were not bothered at all. Like your neighbour, it was so disturbing that we couldn't even be inside with the windows opened.

Of course a child with autism is going to find it harder to adapt. I expect that's not the issue. The issue is you doing nothing about it and expecting the neighbours to either cope in frustration, lock themselves indoors, and plan their day to be in the garden around your schedule.

In the end, I got so fed up with their attitude that it was just the way it was having to wish at all to try to reduce the noise, I did what I thought I never would and started to make noise in the garden at 7am, ie. the time we could be outside our garden undisturbed. Of course they went mad as it woke their child, but that discomfort was no worse than us not being able to enjoy the garden during the day without our heartrate going up because of the stress of the constant singing.

Thankfully they left before Xmas, and we now have a family with lovely children, who are told off when they get too loud and brought inside. It's bliss!

Are you on glue?

Clue: this is the most charitable interpretation that won't get my post deleted.

I wouldn't go round and try to make it better. If you engage it will open up a constant dialogue with her and she'll feel entitled to come round and complain every time your children are louder than she's happy with. They're kids being kids (and I say this as someone with no DC myself). I'd never begrudge my neighbours' children spending time in their own garden. I find it quite sweet most of the time and on the odd day that it grates, it's very much my problem not theirs.

vivainsomnia I’ve said the times that my children are outside making noise. There’s not a lot of point in replying to the thread if you’ve decided that I’m lying about the times that they’re outside.

She's being ridiculous.
Let her crack on with the noise diary - she'll get absolutely nowhere unless you're bawling, screaming, playing loud music past 11 at night.
I know this because I had horrible neighbours who were REALLY noisy and the council would only investigate the noise at night or at anti-social hours. Children playing in a garden at 6pm? The council won't care.

@Dobbyisahouseelf

You need to tell your part-time neighbour to jog on.

My neighbour has three children and I hear them playing in the garden. If they have friends over the noise levels goes up, that's life.

I could understand your neighbour's frustration if your children were shrieking from dawn to dusk but they aren't and your children are entitled to use their own garden.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

richter235 how has she paid a premium and ended up with less? She chose to buy a house next door to the only house with permanent residents in year round. Pretty much the entire harbour is 90% holiday lets/ second homes yet she bought one next to a house that clearly has young children living there. If she was after peace and quiet choosing a town where the houses are piled on top of each other and noise from the boats and restaurants echoes all round the harbour bowl was a bit daft.

My neighbors on each side both have 2 kids and not gonna lie the noise is absolutely incessant sometimes. I really love the noise of children playing, no issues at all with that. But one neighbor just constantly lets their kids scream and cry, not a word spoken to them! I couldn’t leave my door open long because the noise just echoes through the house. So in a way I can understand your neighbor being annoyed! She’s done the right thing mentioning it to you although probably could have been more polite about it. I’d just say be a bit more considerate of how much noise they’re making.

The council will do nothing, the noise has to be extreme. What I would do though is get a little CCTV camera up that points to the garden so if she does complain with lots of lies to the council, you can prove the times when your children were outside.

She needs to go live in the middle of the country with no neighbours if she wants silence. I'd make sure the kids were out there every evening now LOL

Child noise is not something the council will bother with - I'd just be nice to her and continue doing what you're doing. It's not at anti-social hours or continuous. At worst they'll come measure decibels; no kid is going to register continuous problem noise through a wall on that. It's for dealing with things like boom boxes, pneumatic drills etc.

Very repetitive noise is hard to deal with, I will say. I have a neighbour who I think is in the early stages of dementia, and she sings constantly, same 3 notes, sometimes for hours. It does get on my nerves - but it's not of a volume where you can hear it through the walls, I can wear noise-cancelling headphones if I'm trying to work outside or something, and tbh we have to be a bit understanding of human frailties and oddities when we live close together.

Hope all goes well with your kid's assessment.

Paid a premium but ended up with less? Because she's bought a house next to a child with SEN? You didn't actually mean that, did you? Bloody hell.

In her eyes she has got less because in her eyes she can't use her garden.

With every sympathy for the child and parents, the simple fact is that this kind of noise is annoying. Which is why, for good-neighborly reasons it would be good if there is understanding on each side, and if I have understood OP correctly she does.

Compromise is great. Understanding each other's position is the minimum

@BeeDavis

My neighbors on each side both have 2 kids and not gonna lie the noise is absolutely incessant sometimes. I really love the noise of children playing, no issues at all with that. But one neighbor just constantly lets their kids scream and cry, not a word spoken to them! I couldn’t leave my door open long because the noise just echoes through the house. So in a way I can understand your neighbor being annoyed! She’s done the right thing mentioning it to you although probably could have been more polite about it. I’d just say be a bit more considerate of how much noise they’re making.

Why has she done the right thing mentioning it? They are children playing in their garden. That's their right.

If you don't like the noise of children playing, move to an over 50s development

YABU for introducing the Pirates of the Caribbean ear-worm to my day, which is now playing on an endless loop in my head!

In my experience, neighbour noise is worse when you don't know when / if it will stop: last weekend we had a loud outdoor party across the road, from 5pm-11pm. By about 8pm, it was getting really irritating, as I had no idea when it would end or whether it was going to be repeated every Saturday for the rest of the summer. I am still a bit anxious about this coming weekend.

That same night, a farmer nearby started using an enormous machine with flashing lights in one of his fields at 10pm until midnight. That didn't bother me, as I could see it was a one-off and I assume was necessary to do the work after a couple of dry days and before any rain.

So you could maybe reassure your neighbour of the parameters of the noise - eg you'll not let it go on for more than an hour, and that it won't continue beyond 6.30pm. She might then find it easier to accept it.

Most people accept that occasional or limited noise is fine, but if it feels constant and unending, it is very hard to live with.

Note: it's the way you feel about the noise, rather than the facts of how loud / duration etc. You need to get your neighbour to feel more relaxed about it.

I'd tell her if she hates kids that much she can eff off back to home no 1.

brefugee but she can use her garden any of the other 23 hours a day if she really can’t stand being outside at the same time my children are. She’s only here 3-4 days a week for about 16 weeks a year anyway.

I think a bit of give and take is required, when we live in close proximity to others.

@Lightswitchesoffatnight

I think a bit of give and take is required, when we live in close proximity to others.

What do you suggest then?

I completely lucked out with my neighbours, they have a son a year younger than my DS who is not only also autistic, but in the same class as my son at specialist school! So we can basically never move now, but it's great. We both get it.

Your son is covered by the DDA, so if she tried to complain nobody could enforce anything.

I'm really against entitled parents letting their badly behaved children ruin other people's enjoyment of gardens. But that's not what's happening here by a long shot, 45 mins is nothing and your child is autistic, your neighbour is BU.

@Lightswitchesoffatnight

I think a bit of give and take is required, when we live in close proximity to others.

OP is being very restrained already, keeping her DCs' playing out time to the restricted hours she mentioned.

Many wouldn't even do that, just enjoying letting their children run about in the sunshine for the first time in a while.

Those feckless parents .

I’ve said the times that my children are outside making noise. There’s not a lot of point in replying to the thread if you’ve decided that I’m lying about the times that they’re outside*
Well she says it's a lot longer, so clearly one is lying. My neighbour also claimed that her kids were outside much less than they really were. Of course, I'm not your neighbour, so who know.

It is clear from your post that you have no care whatsover that she is being highly disturbed by your children, and yes that is concerning. Additional needs doesn't mean every behaviour is permitted when that behaviour highly disturbed others. And before I'm jumped on again, I've worked with children with autism for a number of years in residential homes, and one thing you do try to manage is the noise they make and the impact in has on neighbours. As to say that the Council can't do a thing, that is wrong too. We were informed that if the noise was above a certain level of decibels and for more than 1 hour, they could very much consider it excessive noise.

And what does it matter than it is a holiday home? It's still their home, or is there resentment that they are second home owner and therefore deserve to be disturbed?

@Lightswitchesoffatnight

I think a bit of give and take is required, when we live in close proximity to others.

Oh right, so when the neighbour fancies popping to her holiday home the children shouldn't be allowed to play in their garden for 45 minutes a day?

vivainsomnia she’s said it’s been going on all summer when it’s been chucking it down constantly until about 2 weeks ago so they weren’t outside and she was only able to come down due to Covid restrictions for the first time about a month ago. She hasn’t said anything about the timings just that it’s been going on all summer when she hasn’t been here and my kids haven’t been outside.

It being a second home isn’t particularly relevant other than the fact she actively chose a second home in a noisy harbour town, next door to the pretty much the only full time residents with young children on this side of the harbour bowl. If she wanted a quiet holiday home then she either knew nothing about where she was moving to or was expecting everyone else to change their behaviour to suit her.