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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour complaining about noise

281 replies

YoureGoingToHateMe · 08/06/2021 23:06

I have 2dc - 5yo and 8yo - and today a neighbour came over to ask me to take them inside as they were making too much noise. It was at about 6pm and they’d been playing outside for no more than 45 minutes. Dc2 is partially deaf and is currently being assessed for autism. He sings constantly, not screaming but it is loud and it’s repetitive. Generally it’s the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean while he’s in the garden, occasionally other similar tunes but always the same tune once he has started iyswim.

Neighbour claims it has been going on for hours (it hadn’t, it was definitely around 45 minutes, that she is unable to open the windows in her house as it means she can’t hear her tv/ radio: husband talking and that it had been going on all summer, she just couldn’t stand it anymore and unless I did something about it she would be reporting me to the council.

This neighbour is a second home owner, she only came down around a month ago and is generally here 3-4 days a week. Both our gardens are fairly large and have tress planted down the side. I’ve hopefully attached a diagram as it’s hard to explain that she’s not our direct neighbour but also is, if that makes any sense at all.

I don’t doubt she can hear him while she is in the garden but there is absolutely no way the noise is drowning out her tv etc as she’s claiming. It’s also only been going on for the last couple of weeks as the weather has been so awful lately that we’ve barely been in the garden anyway. The most we’re ever in the garden is a couple of hours a day and most of that time I’ll be out there with them anyway and when I’m there I always make sure dc2 is keeping noise down and distract him from his otherwise constant singing. For the last couple of weeks they’ve been going out for half an hour or so after tea while I’m inside clearing up. It’s never later than 7pm and never before about 10 in the morning.

I explained to her that dc2 was partially deaf and being assessed for autism. She said that’s not her problem (fair enough but I was just trying to explain why he does it) and that next time she heard it she would be recording it and making a noise diary as she had seen suggested on the council website.

AIBU to let dc play in the garden despite knowing how much noise dc2 makes while I’m inside?

TL:DR neighbour expects me to keep my admittedly noisy child quiet while in the garden even though it’s only ever for short periods of time during the day

OP posts:

Littlelegs2 · 09/06/2021 07:57

Tell her to report you. Council are not going to say much about children playing in their own garden. It's child noise. And she says your child having assments is not her problem. Tell her that her not tolerating children playing is not your problem.

My neighbour said they were going to report Me for having a trampoline in my garden along time ago. I told her to do it. Nothing happened.

Billybagpuss · 09/06/2021 07:58

Buy him a drum

MaybeCrazy2 · 09/06/2021 07:58

I’m a bit like your neighbour. A child a few doors down has autism and makes the same continued sound over and over and over again. It drives me mad, but it’s not his fault and my problem. I would never complain about it, your neighbour is a dick!

Tell her to report it, then maybe she will see your doing nothing wrong as she won’t get anywhere with it.

DahliaMacNamara · 09/06/2021 07:59

Oh, OP. My neighbours' children are noisy screamers in a similar set-up. It's not nearly as annoying as the sound of my DH whingeing about it. Fortunately he's not such a twat as to voice his complaint to the parents. We live on a housing estate. Other people's lives come with the territory. Better a lively young family than a nocturnal drummer.

Tal45 · 09/06/2021 07:59

I live next door to a cockerel with another one just down the road, you should get one of those, that will really do her nut in! I had to ask the neighbours to keep it in in the early morning as it started crowing at 5 am - but I would never tell them they had to get rid of it even though I find it irritating.

Grimacingfrog · 09/06/2021 07:59

I live next door to a house with people with special needs. They sing and play instruments all summer. It doesn't annoy me at all because they're just joyful. It's not like people selfishly playing loud music at full volume for hours.

People like your neighbour are bullies. She knows that you're easily upset so she's trying to bully you into doing what she wants. Don't engage with her. If she threatens you, just firmly but calmly say that your son is entitled to use his garden and that children make noise when they play. She can ring the council but she won't get anywhere. It's a reasonable time of day and not an excessive amount of time.

Reasonable neighbours make compromises. Years ago my other neighbour's son wanted to learn to play the drums. She asked if I minded. I said I just wanted to know timings so I would know when it finished, so we agreed that he could play as much as he liked as long as it finished at 7.30pm. That's what reasonable neighbours do. Yours isn't one of them!!!

ApolloandDaphne · 09/06/2021 08:00

Let her complain. You are doing all you can to keep the noise down.

Notonthestairs · 09/06/2021 08:00

Falling out with a neighbour is uncomfortable - very few people actively enjoy it.

But given the children are in by 7pm and not out early I think you've done all you can in the circumstances.

WeatherwaxOn · 09/06/2021 08:08

In terms of good neighbourly relations (and if another adult was present to keep an eye on the children), I'd ask her to tell me when she could hear it, and go over to her garden to listen.

Assuming that your child is not standing on top of a stepladder shouting through a megaphone for hours uninterrupted, then I'd let her crack on with her complaint to the council. If the noise is not past certain hours, and does not exceed a certain range there is nothing they will do.

Weirdfan · 09/06/2021 08:11

Honestly OP the only way to deal with folk like your neighbour is to tell them to fuck right off ignore them because the minute you act like you care you open the door for a million other petty grievances and unreasonable demands. Don't give this another thought, your kids are entitled to use your garden and the council will (rightly) do nothing if she complains so you have nothing to worry about. Do not let her spoil yours/DC's enjoyment of your garden or make you paranoid about noise, she is being entirely UR and you are doing nothing wrong

Waspsarearseholes · 09/06/2021 08:12

It sounds like this merry-weather neighbour had ideas of buying an idyllic second home to get away to peace and quiet when the sun's out. Shame. She should have bought a lodge in the woods.
She sounds utterly obnoxious. Your children live there every day, this is their home. She picks and chooses nice days to visit her holiday home and expects all the neighbours to realise she is there and expecting silence to enjoy her garden peacefully. In the real world, people are allowed to make reasonable noise in their own homes. She can get bent.

SpinachAndMushroom · 09/06/2021 08:13

Let them play outside longer and more often.

Pythonesque · 09/06/2021 08:13

Definitely time they learned musical instruments. Violin actually helped my hearing develop after severe glue ear.

Original poster

YoureGoingToHateMe · 09/06/2021 08:14

Unfortunately we’re the only two houses on this side of the harbour with proper gardens - harbour town with houses all piled on top of each other and pretty much every other home in both my road and hers is a second home or holiday let so they’re generally quieter. She’s obviously paid a premium for a house with a garden in this area which is an odd place to choose if you’re expecting quiet - there are hundreds of other places in the county a quarter of the price that would give you silence. I’m sure I’ve got a bit complacent about the noise over lockdown as I knew there were no other neighbours around then but I really have been keeping them as quiet as possible since people have been back

I don’t want to fall out with her but I just don’t think the times of day and the length of time I’m allowing them outside is unsociable. Whenever I’m outside with them they’re much, much quieter- it’s only when they’re out on their own that dc2 makes the singing noise as he likes to hit a bush with a stick while pretending to be a pirate, hence the Pirate song.

Should I go round and try and speak to her to reassure her that I’m doing everything I think is reasonable? I was a bit harassed and taken by surprise when she turned up last night and I’m sure she was fed up too, it might be a bit calmer if I speak to her properly.

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 09/06/2021 08:17

If you live in an urban environment you get other people's noise unfortunately.

If it's off the scale then you can complain, but children playing in the garden in summer shouldn't be a problem.

However I can see your neighbour's pov. We have lots of children locally and it's lovely to hear them playing. Except one who screams constantly and stands out from the others. I can imagine that the same snip of song over and over would drive anyone crazy. Like an earworm.

If you are out with her can you try singing a different song together so at least there is some variety?

Brefugee · 09/06/2021 08:18

OP I thing you're fine as it is. I'd leave it and if she complains again do as PP suggested and go over with her so you can see how it really is. In your shoes I'd make a note of when your ds is outside just for my own peace of mind.

As for pp with the "make more noise suggestions" how does that lead to good (or at least nor much worse) neighborly relationships?

SinkGirl · 09/06/2021 08:18

I have twins who are autistic and I worry constantly about the noise coming from our house - we can’t use the garden much at the moment but am ordering some equipment to try to remedy that.

Our neighbours are fantastic about it. During the first lockdown we would often take them outside in the swings and one neighbour often worked in her garden room so if they were being noisy I would take them back in - because we are all considerate to each other.

If they behaved and threatened like this though I’d be tempted to camp outside 😬

gamerchick · 09/06/2021 08:19

You can't reassure these people OP. It'll never, ever be enough and she will hound you if it looks like you're trying to pacify her.

Your kids are allowed to enjoy their home and garden in sociable hours.

Waspsarearseholes · 09/06/2021 08:19

I wouldn't make any effort at all to try to talk to her. If she wants to rant and complain to you then make it inconvenient for her. Honestly, I know it's a horrible feeling knowing that your children might be upsetting the neighbours but the person she has chosen to pick on is an infant who is partially deaf and with potential SEN. She is not a nice nor reasonable person. Don't make it easy for her.

Richter235 · 09/06/2021 08:20

Ah, I have even more sympathy for her now. There’s just no good outcome here, she’s going to have to suck it up as you can’t silence a but it must be miserable for her. And it’s pretty uncool of you to judge her for her poor choice of location… Shes actually paid a premium (I know because I have similar) and ended up with less.

Waspsarearseholes · 09/06/2021 08:22

@Richter235

Paid a premium but ended up with less? Because she's bought a house next to a child with SEN? You didn't actually mean that, did you? Bloody hell.

Redbottle · 09/06/2021 08:23

I think speaking to her is a good idea. But go prepared by speaking to the council yourself first, so that you are sure of the rules. It will show that you are took her irritation seriously but ultimately are in the right. Stay firm and friendly. Don't agree to anything that will make your life more difficult. Good luck.

pictureframenotperfect · 09/06/2021 08:23

Surely you can teach your child to be quieter and respectful?

vivainsomnia · 09/06/2021 08:24

I know exactly how your neighbour feels and I am flabbergasted that most think it is appropriate. Of course you are going to say it is only for a few minutes there and then, the reality is always very different.

We too had a kid next door that sang non stopped and it was hell. High pitched, off tune repeating songs that was just close to torture to listen to. Like you it would seem, the parents were not bothered at all. Like your neighbour, it was so disturbing that we couldn't even be inside with the windows opened.

Of course a child with autism is going to find it harder to adapt. I expect that's not the issue. The issue is you doing nothing about it and expecting the neighbours to either cope in frustration, lock themselves indoors, and plan their day to be in the garden around your schedule.

In the end, I got so fed up with their attitude that it was just the way it was having to wish at all to try to reduce the noise, I did what I thought I never would and started to make noise in the garden at 7am, ie. the time we could be outside our garden undisturbed. Of course they went mad as it woke their child, but that discomfort was no worse than us not being able to enjoy the garden during the day without our heartrate going up because of the stress of the constant singing.

Thankfully they left before Xmas, and we now have a family with lovely children, who are told off when they get too loud and brought inside. It's bliss!

Grimacingfrog · 09/06/2021 08:24

No OP, don't go round and try to placate her. Listen to @Weirdfan. She is not a reasonable woman. If you try and please her about this, she'll find something else to complain about. Assertiveness is your friend here.

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