Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

[quote Marmite27]@Talkwhilstyouwalk

A lso don't want her to go off reading now that the books are getting harder with chapters and fewer pictures. She can read them no problem but is definitely not as keen which is a shame.

I don’t know what band your daughter is on, but read with Oxford do Winnie the Witch stories in level 4, 5 & 6 (blue, green and orange) that are fairly hefty as they’re two stories in one book. The kids asked for one as a bedtime story last night and DH was concerned it was going to be too long before I said it was two stories. There are nice illustrations and they’re a nice size for little hands to hold.[/quote]
Thank you Marmite! She is on Turquoise. Will have a look at these :)

@Bumpsadaisie

Perhaps it's a part of you that is very ambitious but which you haven't allowed yourself to live out as much as you would have liked?

Could be....

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

I didn't need to be competitive at that age as my children were definitely the best 😁

Just so you know...my DD was reading Roald Dahl and Lewis Carroll when she was in reception

Wow! Yeah we are not at that level.....I know she's not exceptional and there are a kids in reception on higher book bands.....

Every parent is competitive and, to be frank, by far the worst ones are the ones who get competitive about how non-competitive they are.

@WeddingSingers

Every parent is competitive and, to be frank, by far the worst ones are the ones who get competitive about how non-competitive they are.

does that make you feel better to feel that way?

I don't agree, not everyone is "competitive". Not everyone wants a genius either - many parents would rather not have an exceptionally gifted child frankly.

There are parents who could just about put kids in private school but choose not to, parents who actively stay well away from grammar school catchments. State schools are not the best place for high achieving parents, the lockdown has proven how wide the gap between the 2 systems is.

There's also a VERY long way to go from reception to their career...

A reasonably bright but happy child is enough for many. I prefer my kids to be invited to all birthday parties and be happy when they are in Primary personally. I have achieved ok in my life, I don't need to boast about them to validate me.

Isn’t everyone proud of what their children achieve?

No, not proud. Because it isn't my achievement.
I'm happy for them when they have achieved something they are happy about. Different.

This thread is one of those parallel universe moments for me.

DD had a BFF whose mother (Tina) who was very competitive. DD was a lot like Tina & I'm a bit like the BFF anyway, DD could do quite funny imitations of Tina. So I know people like Tina & DD exist but most the ppl I know aren't like that.

A different use of words maybe.

I was proud of my DD2 for working so hard work her speech therapist and getting understandable when she was teeny especially as the way it was taught was different to phonics which must have been confusing.

I say to them I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.

My parents have never told me they are proud of me but a couple of friends have! And thinking about that I've said that as well when they've done something difficult/ hard etc.

To me feeling proud is the same as saying well done that was really good and meaning it.

I do wonder if it has different connotations for different people as I can't see why that's wrong.

Being proud of your child is good and normal, and you can be proud of them for all sorts of reasons. A child who struggles in school can still work hard and do well for their level of ability, and their parents should be just as proud of them as if the child were gifted and did exceptionally well for their age.

"Competitive"... Not how I would phrase it, unless you really are competitively comparing your child with others and constantly weighing and ranking them against one another. That strikes me as unhealthy and not very nice.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

My child has just left school forever and i will really, really miss parents evenings. My child has been quite high achieving but also an all round good egg and i loved listening to the teachers extolling their virtues. I always felt really proud !

I love your honesty😁.

Me too.
Very competitive.
Children attend academic schools that push them and where they are expected to work hard.

We expect them to work hard.
I make no apologies for that.
They are all extremely lucky to be well able so of course we expect them to meet their potential.

Their friends are all very similar with parents that expect them to put the work in.

I have not come across any one upmanship among parents but that is probably because we all expect our children to work hard.
I think being surrounded by very motivated kids definitely helps them to see working hard as the norm.

I can almost guarantee that you don't actually hide this very well. Your child's teacher will probably know what you're like, as will your child. I've seen it happen so many times where a child starts to take off in one particular area, parents are certain they are exceptional and ought to be doing extra work, have a red carpet laid out for them, etc, and what the child learns is that their worth and their mother's happiness is measured by their success, perceived or otherwise. For example, a child who had a good visual memory always got full marks in spellings tests. Couldn't segment or blend so spelling in free writing was poor. One day she doesn't get full marks and is so upset that she rips up her spelling test and tries to hide it behind the blind because her mum wouldn't be proud and wouldn't put it on Facebook. Mum tried to hide her displeasure at pick up but the fact that she always made a big fuss of greeting her daughter with a very loud, 'All correct again?' in the playground and this time she frowned, grunted and said, 'Well we'll just have to do spellings instead of swimming' just made me very sad for that poor little girl.

As a cautionary note also, your daughter may be able to decode words in books aimed at children two years above her age but is she really understanding what she is reading? Does she understand the vocabulary, can she infer, make predictions, retell the story in her own words, describe characters, etc? There is more to being a good reader than just having a solid knowledge of phonics.

Finally, you do come across a bit like, it's not enough that my child succeeds, everybody else's must also fail.

But surely wanting your DC to be "invited to all the birthday parties" is competitive? I want mine to reach their potential I suppose. It would feel bad if they didn't. But sometimes things get in the way of that. You can only do your best at the end of the day. Whilst I did have visions of them being exceptionally talented in a variety of ways, it turns out they're much like me and dh.

@Becles

I'm a Brownie leader and I can tell you that 80% of the posters on this thread are lying to themselves or us.

Parents are more competitive than the kids ever dream of.

I have been reading the thread, thinking exactly the same. It starts right from the beginning in mum and baby groups.

However, I also think some pp's are correct in that there is a difference between competitive where you want your child to be at the top of the tree, and proud where you want them to do as well as they can and then show off about it.

I agree it can lead to problems. I know someone (not me) who went to Oxford. I've always thought the courses at other universities might have suited him better and he ended up being funnelled into a career he didn't really want. We were talking about it the other day and agreed that he would have never had the nerve to say to his parents he wasn't going to Oxford when he'd got a place and remove their bragging rights. The discussion came up after I spoke to someone who said on her first day at university she realised it wasn't for her and left and her parents were supportive. I think 90% of parents would have said that she needed to give it time (me and my parents included). Hers just came back to collect her and she said she'd never regretted it.

Parents do have to be careful not to live their lives through their children.

There are a lot of what I perceive to be ‘competitive parents’ at my DCs primary school. It’s an ‘outstanding’ school in a ‘good’ area and there are several families in my eldest’s class who seem to always be so focussed on ‘winning’. Being first at bloody sports day/any sporting event, being the narrator or lead in the school play/nativity, being in the ‘top’ group, getting the most stickers/awards etc at Friday celebration assembly, attending the most amount of extra curricular activities, getting into the grammar school etc etc. The parents are often on the PTA and suck up endlessly to the teachers.

It always strikes me as a form of insecurity. A way of living through your DC. A need for validation. They’re really bitchy too. Especially with each other.

And I agree with a pp, it does seem to be a particularly lower middle class thing to do.

With regards the op, as your child progresses through school you’ll come to realise that they all end up being good at some things & not at others. That’s life right?

We are those parents who could go
private but haven’t; we have chosen the local
school which is good enough

I went to a private school and was high achieving to a competitor mother and my siblings were lower achieving to the same parenting style. We have all got low self esteem and I really want different for my own kids. My focus is on doing their own best, pastoral care, hard work, emotional intelligence and balance.

I think competitive parenting is incredibly dysfunctional for many children and a projection of adult insecurities

@Waspsarearseholes

I can almost guarantee that you don't actually hide this very well. Your child's teacher will probably know what you're like, as will your child. I've seen it happen so many times where a child starts to take off in one particular area, parents are certain they are exceptional and ought to be doing extra work, have a red carpet laid out for them, etc, and what the child learns is that their worth and their mother's happiness is measured by their success, perceived or otherwise. For example, a child who had a good visual memory always got full marks in spellings tests. Couldn't segment or blend so spelling in free writing was poor. One day she doesn't get full marks and is so upset that she rips up her spelling test and tries to hide it behind the blind because her mum wouldn't be proud and wouldn't put it on Facebook. Mum tried to hide her displeasure at pick up but the fact that she always made a big fuss of greeting her daughter with a very loud, 'All correct again?' in the playground and this time she frowned, grunted and said, 'Well we'll just have to do spellings instead of swimming' just made me very sad for that poor little girl.

As a cautionary note also, your daughter may be able to decode words in books aimed at children two years above her age but is she really understanding what she is reading? Does she understand the vocabulary, can she infer, make predictions, retell the story in her own words, describe characters, etc? There is more to being a good reader than just having a solid knowledge of phonics.

Finally, you do come across a bit like, it's not enough that my child succeeds, everybody else's must also fail.

Oh wow, that poor little girl! That's truly horrible. I am not like that at all. I want her to do well but I also know is it's not the be all and end all and I would never make her feel bad if she didn't succeed. Ultimately her happiness is far more important. I'm not one of those who is always emailing the teacher complaining that the books are too easy etc.

Whilst I'm quietly competitive (especially with reading), I wouldn't say that I'm very pushy. For example, she started school knowing her letters and just about able to write her name and count to 20 etc, but I hadn't taught her any of that, it was all from pre school. Even now, we generally only do 20 minutes of reading a day so certainly nothing excessive and she'd refuses to read if she'd had enough anyway. I guess that one of the reasons I'm secretly competitive is because she keeps up with the top readers and I hope it will stay that way. I absolutely know that these things can change though, especially since she's only just turned 5.

Yes, her comprehension of the stories and prediction of what will happen next etc is very good when I ask her questions at the end of the book. I think she goes to a school that pushes them, for example her phonics group has learned all the set 3 sounds a couple of months ago.

She's not brilliant at everything and I wouldn't expect her to be.

@AllisoninWunderland

There are a lot of what I perceive to be ‘competitive parents’ at my DCs primary school. It’s an ‘outstanding’ school in a ‘good’ area and there are several families in my eldest’s class who seem to always be so focussed on ‘winning’. Being first at bloody sports day/any sporting event, being the narrator or lead in the school play/nativity, being in the ‘top’ group, getting the most stickers/awards etc at Friday celebration assembly, attending the most amount of extra curricular activities, getting into the grammar school etc etc. The parents are often on the PTA and suck up endlessly to the teachers.

It always strikes me as a form of insecurity. A way of living through your DC. A need for validation. They’re really bitchy too. Especially with each other.

And I agree with a pp, it does seem to be a particularly lower middle class thing to do.

With regards the op, as your child progresses through school you’ll come to realise that they all end up being good at some things & not at others. That’s life right?

Outstanding school in great area. Admit that we would go private if this were not the case or if we are not happy with the school later on.

No extra curricular activities here and not on the PTA either. I am wondering where on earth our star of the week, work of the week and reader of the week certificates are this term though! Maybe my daughter is so talented that they don't feel she needs the confidence boost as much as some others .

Lol or perhaps they got lost in her book bag 😉

I have 2 school aged DC my DC1 very academic and very sporty and high achiever in both !
I think when he was young I was severely competitive. However DC2 come along and she had mutiple health problems and nearly lost her life and has had significant amount of time off school, is delayed in speech and reading. She isn’t the best at sports etc
My opinions soon changed.
She is the kind, empathetic and her courage is outstanding.
I am proud of them both and I realised there was more than academics and sports.
They both have sports day soon
1 will excel and 1 can’t walk as of recently and she is still very excited about going and taking part. She has taught me a lot !

We have an ultra competitive parent and her DH in our school year. No one likes her because of it but she'd be ok if she just shut up about it. Her ds is the best at everything apparently. Examples are:

We were both at the local leisure centre, I was reading with ds. He needed the loo so I left his book etc on the table. Got back and the dad was looking through ds reading record and looked completely I embarrassed I had caught him. He then made a comparison between her child's reading level and mine.

Dropped my ds off for a play date outside. Spent half an hour telling me how easy the home schooling was for her youngest ds, how he was doing the same work as he eldest.

Her ds does the same sporting activity as a family members child so we all know each other neutrally. Family member told me she gives her a constant narrative about how many goals both dcs have scored. How it will go around school the next day when her ds scored a home goal and then they are now even when family members dc went on to score a home goal.

Requested extra homework during the school holidays as he rushed through it so quickly. Poor kid.

I avoid her, I think she has issues which is sad.

*unembarassed

Haven't read the full thread, but I would say chill out, help your dd as much as possible but don't have any expectations beyond her being happy. Too much pressure can be very counterproductive. I have not so fond memories of a relative sending the annual round robin saying how brilliant her DC were. Actually, they were really depressing when my ds was struggling a bit. Turns out as adults they are all much of a muchness, doing well, but none of them outstandingly brilliant. Maybe that's for the best?

No I'm not, I want my kids to be the best they can be within their own abilities. I don't really care how other people's kids do. But yes I do know parents like this. Of course I will cheer my kids on in a race but that's about it. I really couldn't care less about reading levels!

I suspect if you have a bright child irs easy to get a little competitive. I am a little competitive by nature but DD has generally hit milestones much later than her peers so no real point being competitive about it. My main hope is she doesn't struggle too much and keeps being sweet!

I’m not competitive, purely because ds was excluded from 3 different schools between the ages of 5-6 and has a lot of special needs and diagnosis.
However, he’s 11 and been home educated for years, he’s just passed the first assignment of a college course he’s doing and I want to shout it from the rooftops! I think it’s more the teachers/health workers who said he couldn’t do anything though rather than other parents I want to brag to

Mymapuddlington, totally understand where you're coming from. Sounds like your DS is doing really well, and sure he'll continue to. Had one very similar here (now at uni and doing fine).