Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

I used to be competitive, but then it turned out my eldest was stubbornly average so it became pointless. I’m glad I was cured because I think competitiveness for small kids is toxic and unhelpful.

I'm competitive with myself/my DCs with themselves. They both struggle a bit and DS was labelled as having a LD because his first school were completely mismanaging him and not actually teaching hi anything due to other aspects of his SEND.
He did 2 years' worth of Maths in 6 months of lockdown and DD did one year. I don't advertise that to other parents but I crow about it internally (and on here) and try and keep them going in that way.
Same for other activities, Cubs etc., I'm really pleased when DS does better than he was doing previously (e.g. he's been very anxious about meetings inside but managed part of one yesterday).

Not so much competitive as smug, as it looked like my eldest was shaping up to be extremely bright. Turns out he's got autism and my youngest has several challenges. Now rather than taking credit for their brilliance, I blame myself for their difficulties!

My DH was very, very average throughout primary school and extra tuition was suggested at one point to help him keep up. He was also very average (and quite badly-behaved, according to him) in the first couple of years of secondary school. He then turned it around and ended up studying a science subject at Cambridge. MIL says it was quite a shock after years of saying to herself, "Well, at least he's a kind boy who likes animals and has lots of friends" when her friends would boast about how well their children were doing.

To a degree I think you're conflating competiveness and wanting your child to do well academically. My child sounds just like yours with reading and while I know he's doing extremely well in relation to his peers, I couldn't give a shiny shit that he's doing better than other kids - I just care about him. In fact, I'd like it if the other kids were doing better than they are because the parents at the school he's at seem to have quite low aspirations for their kids.

It's unfashionable these days to say you want your kids to do well academically and to value education, especially in the state system. As someone from a deprived background who has built a great life for myself against the odds, in a large part because I worked hard and achieved well academically , I despair of the attitude of anyone who doesn't value education and the impact this is having culturally and socially.

My kid is in private MS (and has autism), some of the other parents there are totally over the top competitive. Right from when the kids were small, it’s getting interesting now though as other kids have joined from the state sector, who have real talent at sport and will be getting full scholarships at the top local Independents ahead of those who have been pushed and bragged about but are just normal kids. I watch with amusement from the sidelines as I’m not seen as competition with my ‘broken’ child. I get a lot of head tilts and ‘oh bless him’. It’s actually quite bizarre how these women behave.

It's a bit pointless really as all children have different strengths and weaknesses.

MY son's friend struggles in school but is amazing at sports. One of my kids is great at making stuff and drawing but the other can't draw a straight line.

I value education - and have one daughter who has done well academically. The other simply struggles academically. It doesn't make her less valuable and it doesn't make me an unsupportive mother to accept that and encourage her to do her best at school while developing her abilities in other aspects of her life.

A couple of girls from her dance class when she was younger were taken out of dance (which they enjoyed) because they were struggling at school so their parents spent more and more time (and money) on tutoring etc and other interests were taken away. I thought that was very sad - that everything else was being sacrificed and by the age of 10 they knew they were a worry and a disappointment to their parents...

I support DD and she has some one to one interventions at school. But it is equally important (perhaps more important in the long run, given that she is unlikely to suit an academic path) that she develops other skills and interests.

I'm not competitive with the kids and their academic achievements, though I think I might well have been if my eldest hadn't had speech and language difficulties which meant he spent the early years playing catch up with the other kids. Instead I had to learn, quickly, that there were more important things to focus my energy on. Now I'm just content that both my kids are roughly where they should be, neither ahead nor behind their peers.

Not at all! I’m very intelligent. DD seems pretty smart but is dyslexic so struggles with some stuff. Life is too short to do miserable cramming so she and I focus on fun and school can do the education. She is 10. As long as she is happy I don’t mind if she is top of the class or bottom. I’m totally non athletic as is she so I normally just take her out of school on sports day to do something else (unless she is keen to do it!)

@ellenpartridge

My parents have always been SO competitive and it was actually quite horrible. They were very pushy with us and would jeer about how much better we were academically than our friends, were obsessed with grades and reading levels etc. It has rubbed off on me after being raised like that all my life so I do identify with what you're saying, but I hate thinking like that!

My mum is still like this now with my kids and it winds me up. Whenever my dc achieve something, e.g. when dd learned to ride her bike, rather than just being proud my mum will always ask things like whether any of her friends have managed this yet. I hope this attitude doesn't rub off too much on my kids as I don't want them lording it over their mates that they've done X skill first or whatever. No need for it.

I think being proud and being competitive are very different. Proud is fine and normal but the competitive side is horrible. No need to put everyone else down in order to be proud of an achievement!

I identify with this. My mum was very like this, very interested in what my friends got in tests and was I leading the field.

There was a concert where my arch rival played. She was less good on her instrument than I was on mine.

She played her relatively simple piece. Then I came on and played something that sounded very complicated.

My mother was thrilled!

I didn't think anything of it as a child but now I think urgh, it's gloating over besting a 9 year old.

I never ever ask my children what their friends get in tests or which sets they're in.

@DysmalRadius

I'm happy when my kids do well, but I don't need other people's kids to do worse to feel good about their achievements! Would you really not rather your daughter enjoyed reading than was 'the best' at it?

Absolutely!

I agree with a PP in that I think the OP is conflating competitiveness with wanting her child to do well.

As I’ve previously said, I’m in the latter camp. I push my children and one has a tutor for entrance exams and 11+. However, I don’t compare them to their peers because I can’t see the point and to be frank I don’t really care how they are performing academically compared to my children.

@Marmite27

I’m not competitive as such, but I got no support at home for my schoolwork. I’m pretty invested in practicing reading, handwriting, sentence building and maths at home with my reception child.

As I know the phonics scheme for school, we’ve started gently introducing letters to 3 y/o DC2 so they have a firm understanding for school in September 2022.

They’re both interested in French, always asking what the French equivalent of English words are (which is a bit trying for me with a my ‘d’ at gcse!), so I was researching educational resources last night. I’ve also spent a fortune on banded reading books, being careful to pick complementary books to the school reading scheme rather than the same ones as I don’t want them to be bored with work in school.

Hopefully this support and continued support will allow them to reach their potential, rather than the dreaded ‘could do better’ I used to get.

The amount I have spent on Biff, Chip and Kipper and the likes over lockdown is really quite shocking!

I was a book bag rifler , but only once with one of my DCs. DD was friends with a competitive child who had VERY competitive parents - even now, years later if I have the misfortune to bump into either of them they'll immediately mention their DC's academics - and once when the child came for tea after school I did have a sneaky look at their books, because the mother was always boasting about how advanced the child was. It turned out the DC was on a lower book band than my DC.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk I know how you feel and the fact that you acknowledge it is good.

However please be careful. I have a v close friend who has 2 boys in same classes as mine. When young they spent a lot of time together and were similar ability with different strengths but one them spent years resenting/hating my DS as her first question when they did a test or assessment was 'so what did DCski get'. If her son had done better that was her mark of success.

They are good friends now as are in different secondary schools and the comparison has moved onto someone else.

Having said that I am immensely proud of both my DS achievements but keep any boasting between DP and my parents. I think it's perfectly natural to be proud but damaging to be visibly and constantly comparing.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I have had a few parents admit to look in another child's book bag so can shed some light on their train of thought probably.

All of them said that they felt worried and insecure about whether their child was doing ok, and wanted to look at the work/reading book of a child they knew was a good student so they could see how their child compared.

They all implied that the issue for them is the lack of honest info from schools - they only ever hear good things about their child so assume we were just keeping the bad things back.

One said she'd like to see where her child was ranked in the class like a local private school does. Actually lots of parents ask that - is my child in top third etc

Ouch, yeah I don't like the idea of ranking children. Especially if they know where they are ranked!

I'm quietly competitive, can't help it but also know it's not a desirable trait. I don't go around checking book bags, or asking people which book band their child is on. But if someone mentions their child's book band I'm always very interested to see how my child compares!

I actually think that love online lessons over lockdown made me a lot worse. I found seeing how my daughter compared to others with her answers really interesting.

I think the school might have encouraged me a bit with my competitiveness as it seems like they push the kids quite a bit (not a private school). Reception has already been divided into 3 ability groups for phonics and there is talk of ability groups for reading being school wide rather than year group wide (e.g. a reception child could be in a reading group aimed at a year 2 level).

@justanotherneighinparadise

I can understand it if you have academic children. I don’t, so I keep my head down to avoid people like you 🤣

Well, I like to think I do but my eldest has only just turned 5 so really it's a case of time will tell.....

being competitive is not a problem at all it means you are an engaged parent, obviously some go too far in pushing their dc and let them know when they are not cutting the mustard.

From my personal experience however I think its important toshare information about our dc and what stage they are at because only then can we know if there is an issue, I was in the dark from our school and its only when I said, how is she matching up to her peers did I realize there is a massive learning problem.

Mumsnet is a great place to get this info anonymously but even when I was working out what her stage was and supposed to be - whilst sme MN were really helpful others were telling me off for comparing with the classic " all dc develop at different stages" .

Yes they do and thats because many have SEN that are not being picked up!

OP many dc at reception age have been heavily coached by their DP to read etc which is brilliant, but things do level out by year 2 ish when those who naturally come into their time start to take off.

Or do not as my dc 2 has not.

I dont feel its competitive either really as I have two dc and one is high flying top sets but I do not see no2 as any less clever - in fact if you said both dc will be successful but one will be hugely ££ successful in those terms, I would say its the one struggling because she is in incredibly perceptive, sensitive and can see the bigger picture and is a natural problem silver, where as the academically solid gold one is more plodding, logical etc...

we really need to break away from thinking that there is one type of intelligence

Yeah, I was a bit with DD1 who was always ahead, bit mostly kept it to myself. Then DD2 was completely in the middle academically, so it gave me a different perspective anyway. I could have got competitive over how good she was at sport, but I learned to say "She really enjoys running," or whatever when people praise her. It's not an attractive quality to others.

Reception has already been divided into 3 ability groups for phonics

Oh this is so sad! The children are barely able to wipe their own backsides competently and they’re already being streamed in class.

I’m indeed thankful that there’s no such approach in DS’s reception class (although there’s only 9 kids so it wouldn’t work anyway).

Oh this is so sad! The children are barely able to wipe their own backsides competently and they’re already being streamed in class.

^^ no that is sensible , dc like mine would have got the attention and level they needed if they had done this and other dc who can read could also get their level?

DC need more help and attention and more of a bespoke service as we can possibly give them.

Hell no, I was always proud of my DDs very high achievements & celebrated quietly with her, but learnt from bitchy "friends" never to dare mention it before she was even born. I was quite shocked at how nasty they were about their good friends kids achievements🥴

Didn't feel I needed to show off anyway & thought being humble was a better lesson for DD anyway. Who actually cares what anyone else thinks, so why bother bragging

I SORT OF get what you're saying, but I think I just like seeing my son do well. The competitive element comes at an expense of another child. To be competirive means you want another child to do badly, which im not really ok with.