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AIBU?

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Original poster

Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

205 replies

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/06/2021 22:20

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 09/06/2021 07:15

@Jellycatspyjamas same! My dd really struggles with school.

Onceuponatime1818 · 09/06/2021 07:16

I want my children to to be healthy, happy, secure and feel loved with a lovely bunch of friends. I genuinely couldn’t care less where they stand academically in comparison to their peers.

Bimblybomeyelash · 09/06/2021 07:16

I’m pleased that my own ds is top reader in his class, but I don’t think that makes me competitive. I’m just pleased that his has his strengths , because he also has his weaknesses. I think it only becomes competitive when you start pushing your kids and bragging about their achievements.

enchantedspleen · 09/06/2021 07:18

It just sounds like you're very proud of your child! Be proud, boast to your parents and DH to your hearts content. Just keep it on the down low with the other parents.

SmokeyDevil · 09/06/2021 07:18

@theleavesaregreen

It's more of a thing in the UK than in lots of other countries, I think.
Definitely not just here. Have you never seen those parents in America that have stickers saying 'my kid is an honours student' on their cars? Grin

Sad thing is, the education of an honours student still isn't even that good, or at least the ones I've known it's been a bit worrying how little they know. Kind of wonder how bad is the education of the ones below them.

lljkk · 09/06/2021 07:19

I genuinely think my kids are the best human beings on planet earth, I think all mums do, right?

My DC aren't. Maybe PP's are. Mine sure aren't. I wouldn't love them more or less if they were the best human beings on the planet.

I don't think I'm competitive. I'm relieved if DC are responsible, kind, assertive, pay their bills, show up for work or school, don't commit crimes, don't do drugs. Bonus if they have nice jobs, do well in school, achieve at sport, etc.

whycantwegoonasthree · 09/06/2021 07:26

"For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers."

Did you start this thread just so you could brag about your DD?

This is why I don't socialise with other school mums.

Mummadeze · 09/06/2021 07:34

I get it. I want my child to excel at drama, singing and dancing as those were the things I loved but wasn’t that good at. It is projection. I try to reign it in but I get stupidly excited when she does well in those subjects.

lollipoprainbow · 09/06/2021 07:34

Can't stand braggy mums tbh!

Homeontherangeuk · 09/06/2021 07:34

I'm not competitive, I have one dc in an elite sport & she was there from a very early age.. I have met the most competitive, awful parents who would do anything to clear paths fir their dc, I resolved to myself from the beginning to avoid all comparisons etc... For that reason I dont attend training sessions, carpool & I sit by myself at comps, it works well for me... I'm focused on dd, cheer on her clubmates but don't get involved in all the tittle tattle...
I do however put a fair amount of emphasis on schoolwork, dc1 needs to work hard & keep ahead as training times vary weekly & international comps will be starting up again soon, schoolwork has to be done well & I set extra... I do the same for the other dc, not because I'm competitive but they have missed so much due to the pandemic & who knows what the job market will like in 15/20 years time due to globalisation, post pandemic employment opportunities etc, they need to do their best...

jeanne16 · 09/06/2021 07:35

I was surrounded by competitive parents at my DCs schools and I was just as competitive as they were. If challenged, I am sure we would all have flatly denied it.

In Reception, it is common to have a squiz in the homework book bags when having a friend around for a play date, to see what reading level the friend is on.

At least I can admit my failings.

DysmalRadius · 09/06/2021 07:39

I'm happy when my kids do well, but I don't need other people's kids to do worse to feel good about their achievements! Would you really not rather your daughter enjoyed reading than was 'the best' at it?

MyMabel · 09/06/2021 07:41

I know how you feel, I think. But I’m not sure I’d call it competitive; I’m just very proud of my DD. I never assume or think she’s better than anyone else’s child - but if I’m talking to someone with a similar age child and they say that they’re just starting to walk; I always want to say DD has been walking since 9 months, I don’t tend to unless asked though as I don’t want to look like a bragging dick.

Mooda · 09/06/2021 07:45

I'm like this and DD1 has turned out to be extremely intellectual and academic. I find it thrilling that she's so clever (she doesn't get it from me as you can probably tell). Every now and then I have a boast about it and immediately feel like a twat afterwards. So that tends to help me to keep my mouth shut nowadays.

Apart from now on an anonymous forum obvs Wink

User657849 · 09/06/2021 07:49

I think it’s ok if you don’t end up putting too much pressure on them.

I can’t be bothered about sports though. I didn’t attend her last sports day while I heard about parents at a nearby school hiring trainers to coach their kids.

4fingerKitKat · 09/06/2021 07:51

I think there’s a difference between comparison and being competitive. All the reports we get from school are about “meeting age related expectations” and I think it’s only natural to observe how your child is doing compared to their peers to see if they are “meeting age related expectations”. It just gives you a bit of a gauge for how they are doing.

I don’t think that’s the same as being competitive as I don’t want him to be the best/better than others (or want others to be doing less well than he is).

I occasionally ask parents of friends how they are doing with reading or stuff like that but it’s only ever areas where I’m worried my DS is doing so well, and want to get a feel for what is ‘normal’. If it’s an area where I think my DS is doing well I keep my mouth shut.

Allington · 09/06/2021 07:52

My mind is boggled at the thought of looking at someone else's child's homework book! Why on earth does it matter?

I care about my DDs' progress, how it compares to others is irrelevant. With a weak cohort they might be at the top, and with a strong cohort be at the bottom, without their reading level changing in the slightest.

DD1 was very academic, and got into a high ranking university. She is now struggling with the fact that she is not going to be top of the class - not because her ability has changed, but simply because the pool is bigger and all her peers were the you of their class at school.

DD2 struggles academically, and I saw a report when her school were assessing her that said they would put her into the year below her age group, and in the lowest ability set where she would be 'about average'. That's the only way I know how she compares to others. Her reports and teacher feedback have been excellent - she works hard, contributes well, and is making good progress.

I am very proud of them both - they work hard and are achieving the best they are capable of, as well as being kind, generous and thoughtful people.

Allington · 09/06/2021 07:53

the top of their class...

MagnoliaBeige · 09/06/2021 07:56

I couldn’t give a flying fig about comparing my kids to how others are doing, most kids are going to end up average adults, regardless of what book band they’re in aged 5!

I’m more focused on making sure they put in an appropriate amount of effort to achieve what they’re capable of, the actual grade or whatever they achieve doesn’t massively bother me.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/06/2021 07:58

We done on admiring it.

audweb · 09/06/2021 08:00

People look at other children’s homework diaries?

Sometimes I feel like I exist on another planet from people. Why on earth would it even cross your mind to do that?! Just love your children and be proud of them without being competitive.

I don’t understand the competitiveness. Do you feel it’s a reflection on you as a parent? I struggle to fathom this, I just want my child to grow up happy. Everything else is a bonus.

Linguaphile · 09/06/2021 08:00

I get it OP. It’s a quality I really dislike about myself, but I don’t know how to not feel that way, so I just rein it in as much as possible. I try not to ask how others are doing academically or say anything about how my kids are doing (aside from in safe spaces) unless asked. In my opinion it’s more about what you do with the competitive feeling than about having it in the first place (i.e. choosing not to be ‘that mum’ who is always bragging and instead keeping it to yourself or maybe just sharing with grandparents who will be equally proud of their grandchildren).

notanothertakeaway · 09/06/2021 08:07

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I am a teacher and can tell you that more parents are like this than you think op - you are certainly not alone in this, based on the things that children say about their parents, and the conversations I have with parents.

What I would say is that children do pick up on things and come to understand how important academic success is to their parents. I have seen it lead to all sorts of self esteem and anxiety issues, and to children going on to prioritise winning over say being a kind, supportive friend.

The other thing I'd say as a parent to four children who are now adults - it really is a marathon and not a race. The kids who are streets ahead at primary are not necessarily the ones still achieving and winning awards at secondary, and many high fliers at secondary come unstuck at university, and many people who sail through higher education come unstuck in the real life of employment and relationships.

Ultimately, self worth cannot be tied to being the best because one day you won't be - it's not sustainable.

Agree with this from @fourminutestosavetheworld

At some point, we all reach our peak, and it's important to have the resilience and self esteem to deal with that

MiddleParking · 09/06/2021 08:10

Are any bookbag riflers willing to share what their internal commentary is while they’re surreptitiously looking in the bag of a small child that’s not their own? Genuinely, I would love to know what precisely is going through the head of an adult that’s at that.

notanothertakeaway · 09/06/2021 08:14

Funny how many people on this thread have high achieving children!

I'm shocked people would look at a visiting child's homework diary. It feels a bit like going for dinner and sneaking a look at yiur host's bank statement