Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

I agree, OP. I think lots of parents are secretly like this. My parents were a little bit like this growing up though not the worst.

My perspective is a bit different because being quite academic growing up never made me particularly happy and I ended up in a high-flying career I never really enjoyed. I am also anxious and a people pleaser (traits I'm trying to overcome). I was singled out at school from a young age and given extension work during breaktime and lunchtime and extra homework to do at home. As a result, I didn't have enough time for friends, sport and active play and my peers had much better social skills and were much more active than me.

With my DC, I intend to try to stifle my competitive tendencies since I think promoting an active life and healthy relationships with their peers (not based on pressure and competition) is likely to be much better for them in the long run than doing extra work at home and trying to get them up to the next book level early.

No, not competitive. We’re in Switzerland and there’s less pressure here to get kids racing through reading levels, so reception-age DS cannot read yet. It will come though, because, how many illiterate adults do you know? Precisely!

I trust the process and am not ‘hothousing’ him. I do practice the English alphabet and do a bit of English phonics with him, as school is in French and he otherwise wouldn’t learn the English until later. His English really isn’t good enough to be honest but I’m hoping it will come (he’s lazy and always reverts back to French).

Intelligence has a large heritable component and DH and I both have PhDs in hard science so I’m not worried about his capabilities.

I am a teacher and can tell you that more parents are like this than you think op - you are certainly not alone in this, based on the things that children say about their parents, and the conversations I have with parents.

Agree with this I'm not sure why so many posters are making you out to be alien for being like this.

Also - let's be honest. Competitiveness is a trait in life that is rewarded, whether you agree or not as in - those are the people that go far in many areas of life by wanting to be the best. The top businesspeople, athletes, professionals many strive to want to be the best and that's how they become great at what they do.

I don't see what is wrong with being competitive? Can you be in the olympics for example without being competitive?

Many of you sound like you'd be happy at the sports day where all the kids get a medal for participation - which is bollocks of course as it does not reflect the real world.

Anyway, friendly competition there is nothing wrong with IMO.

Although at times you do sound a bit gladly OP by some of your statements!

*goady

And looking at a child's homework diary is an invasion of their privacy!!! Would you be ok with someone reading your professional appraisal?

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

I was like this when my dd was in reception.

It wears off.

I'm pleased now if either of my children do well but not in quite the same way. More kind of pleased for them but not invested in it so much.

I think it's a natural development as they grow and become more separate as people.

Perhaps it's a part of you that is very ambitious but which you haven't allowed yourself to live out as much as you would have liked?

No, I have a niece who is almost the same age as my daughter. My daughter is more physically advanced (I.e walking) but my niece is much more advanced with communication and socially, different children are better and worse at different things, it doesn't make them better people

No not most parents OP, but some, yes.

I spot a competitive parent from miles away and lose respect for them instantly. I find it the opposite of nurturing and, I'm sorry to say, competitive parenting is rather lower middle class.

Whenever a mum giggles and boast that her husband has had a promotion or her dd has won a silly children's art competition and when I hear dc's friend boast on a video call what outstanding report they got in year 1 or 2 I can't help but feel sorry for the child. Funnily enough, competitive parents come across as not that self assured and the opposite of a 'winner'. Those who naturally excelled are usually quite modest .

What I HATE because thwy are a similar age,is when other people in the family try to pit them against each other

I want DS to do the best he can and I'm interested in how good he is compared to his peers in the things he is good at so I guess that makes me a competitive parent. To me reading is vital so I was very pushy on that, always reading to him and listening to him everyday when he was young - he still has a love of book as a teen. He has almost no sporting ability though so for sports days I would work with him to make sure he could join in and not come too far behind everyone else. I think it's good for him to not be good at everything as he can see then that different things are difficult for different people.

Removing their books from other parents snooping isn’t weird , when your child is having issues involving SEN diagnosis , or bullying , or even a bereavement that is affecting their behaviour , which you KNOW hasn’t been spoken to with anyone except the teacher , and yet suddenly certain parents start asking “ oh how is X now ? Are they still being assessed / feeling happier / is Y still making their life a misery ? “ and the only way they could have known is because of thumbing through the home school correspondence diary .

@MiddleParking

Are any bookbag riflers willing to share what their internal commentary is while they’re surreptitiously looking in the bag of a small child that’s not their own? Genuinely, I would love to know what precisely is going through the head of an adult that’s at that.

We got sent someone else’s reading diary home in my child’s book bag by accident. I looked in it, because I thought it was ours.

It wasn’t until I’d gone back a few pages and I realised none of the handwriting was mine I twigged.

My main thought was I was sorry X didn’t have his reading book that night. We’re in quite a deprived area, and for some children their school books are the only exposure they get to books. I also know for this child, English is their second language so I wouldn’t expect the same level as my native English speaking child, as he has two languages floating around in his head rather than one.

I have had to let go of any tendencies to do this as my Y3 DD, despite being bright, has significant SEN that make academics a struggle for her. I am mainly focused on finding a secondary school that will be kind and supportive of her. We had a recent thing at her school with a small group of parents at a time, with the teacher, where we could see their books and I was so thrilled to see the write up DD had done of a trip we took last summer, that it enabled me to nearly block out the highly competitive parent to my left .

I feel like we exist in a different universe to most of our peers tbh. Especially the ones who are evidently completing the children's work! Why, just why?!

I will admit to noticing that DD swims better than most kids her age and feeling very proud she can do that so well.

That is of course not the same as bookbag rifling.

No. It’s tragic and insecure. And having lived in lots of other countries, I’d agree with a op that many (though obviously not all) are not as anxious about child success as the UK. Where I live now there are virtually no private schools, almost all children just go to their geographically nearest school, and there’s no obsessing about a school’s results or Ofsted-equivalent grading, and a far better social mix in the schools.

I was the same although sensible enough to keep it in my head rather than blab to all and sundry. My child is very bright and was high achieving through primary school. I was proud but not pushy in that I didn't force extra work or voice my expectations at all.
Mental health issues in the teenage years readjusted everything and now it's an achievement for them to get up let alone anything else.
Let's just say my priorities have changed and despite the hell I've been through I think I'm a better person for it. Things can change!

@MiddleParking

Are any bookbag riflers willing to share what their internal commentary is while they’re surreptitiously looking in the bag of a small child that’s not their own? Genuinely, I would love to know what precisely is going through the head of an adult that’s at that.

So would I. That is just fucking weird. People actually do that? How boring is their life?

Many of you sound like you'd be happy at the sports day where all the kids get a medal for participation - which is bollocks of course as it does not reflect the real world.

What aspects of the 'real world'? Democracy is based on mass participation, for example, rather than privileging a small group.

There are huge swathes of academic research showing how high performing teams are usually not a team of high performing individuals, but a group of people who can work co-operatively to out perform star individuals.

I agree there should be occasions in a school for the sporty children to push themselves, but there should also be opportunities for less sporty children to do sports and succeed according to their abilities.

I'm quite glad DD's school focusses on fitness - they learn and play sports, but do regular fitness tests and are encouraged to see improvements in their fitness as the main aim of PE. There are after school clubs for those who want to take a specific sport more seriously, just as DD takes her after school dance classes seriously.

I have had a few parents admit to look in another child's book bag so can shed some light on their train of thought probably.

All of them said that they felt worried and insecure about whether their child was doing ok, and wanted to look at the work/reading book of a child they knew was a good student so they could see how their child compared.

They all implied that the issue for them is the lack of honest info from schools - they only ever hear good things about their child so assume we were just keeping the bad things back.

One said she'd like to see where her child was ranked in the class like a local private school does. Actually lots of parents ask that - is my child in top third etc

@Mooda

I'm like this and DD1 has turned out to be extremely intellectual and academic. I find it thrilling that she's so clever (she doesn't get it from me as you can probably tell). Every now and then I have a boast about it and immediately feel like a twat afterwards. So that tends to help me to keep my mouth shut nowadays.

Apart from now on an anonymous forum obvs

But your DD's achievements will have had little to do with your competitiveness. My parents are not fully literate, and have always been mildly mortified by my academic achievements (including several national and European scholarships, Oxford and a doctorate).

I can understand it if you have academic children. I don’t, so I keep my head down to avoid people like you 🤣

My child has just left school forever and i will really, really miss parents evenings.
My child has been quite high achieving but also an all round good egg and i loved listening to the teachers extolling their virtues. I always felt really proud !

I’m really competitive. I compete in my sport. My children compete in their chosen sport and the clubs they are associated with value their success, their school plays competitive sports. They offer competitive scholarships.

The children will attend secondary schools that have competitive entrance exams.

I am always interested in how they compare to their peers; this is both as a means of assessment of their understanding of a topic or to identify the level being taught.

The children work in teams and learn and are are expected to be supportive of their peers regardless of an outcome.

One of my children is utterly hopeless at ball sports, bottom of every team. But is an amazing linguist and does very well in exams.

Does it make them more or less likely to succeed at life? Define succeed....

They’re happy, we celebrate when we do well and sometimes we wish a lifetime (occasionally a few weeks or even minutes) of mild discomfort on the judge or examiner if we don’t.

We don’t irritate the world around us with our activities. There’s a big difference between ‘competitive parenting’ and being competitive, Some of you need to give yourselves a talking to.

Laughing my a* off at some of the judgemental comments, pure comedy sometimes.

There’s a big difference between being proud and being competitive though? Isn’t everyone proud of what their children achieve?

Competitive is about wanting or pushing them to be better than others.