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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

205 replies

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/06/2021 22:20

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/06/2021 23:20

@allycat4

No - I'm not remotely competitive. Family members are, though, and it's really unattractive (and exhausting!).
I hope I hide my competitiveness well. Obviously if their child of the same age was on an even higher book band I'd be nice about it and say how impressed I was then go home and make sure we put a bit more time into it to catch up.

I'm sure I'll get over it when it all becomes harder and they start to even out more!

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FierceBarrie · 08/06/2021 23:20

I sort of get what you’re saying @Talkwhilstyouwalk.

I am not competitive in the least for myself - never have been, never will be.

But I (very much secretly) am when it comes to my DC. The thing is, I don’t enjoy it about myself.

My kids are doing well, and while I enjoy their successes, I wish I could detach from the competitiveness that I feel, a bit more.

Wafflehouse · 08/06/2021 23:20

Nope, I have zero interest in the abilities of other people’s kids. This has surprised me most about being a parent as I always thought I’d have to try hard not to be competitive but I genuinely do not care what the other kids in my dcs’ classes get up to.

Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/06/2021 23:21

@FierceBarrie

I sort of get what you’re saying *@Talkwhilstyouwalk*.

I am not competitive in the least for myself - never have been, never will be.

But I (very much secretly) am when it comes to my DC. The thing is, I don’t enjoy it about myself.

My kids are doing well, and while I enjoy their successes, I wish I could detach from the competitiveness that I feel, a bit more.

Exactly! I don't like this about myself. I'm talking about competitiveness with 4 and 5 year olds here and I know it's ridiculous!
OP posts:
Emilizz34 · 08/06/2021 23:22

I’m not remotely competitive but then my dc’s excelled in school and in their chosen fields .
My friend has v high achieving kids but she’s very competitive/ pushy . She once told me that she used to check out other kids reading levels on play dates and check their homework copy books in their school bags when at her house .
She assumed everyone did the same . She was quite embarrassed when I said that no , not everyone does this 🤣🤣. She’s living in the US where it’s apparently the norm . I couldn’t deal with this . No interest

BackforGood · 08/06/2021 23:22

All people want their children to succeed and are proud of their achievements - I think that's different to being competitive.

This ^

I genuinely have not been competitive with my dc, but I've encouraged them to stick at things and to gain qualifications where they can and skills as they have gone through life, as I know the more skills a person has the more opportunities and possibilities a person has open up to them, and the nicer their life becomes (Generally - I know there will be exceptions). I've been proud when they've achieved things.
I don't think anyone would disagree that life is easier if you find academic work easy, and if you are sporty, and you pick up new skills easily and you are charming etc etc, so I doubt if there is a parent who wouldn't be chuffed if their dc had some or many of those attributes, but I don't think that makes you competitive, it is just a natural instinctive thing that you want life to be good for people you love.

Timetopoeet · 08/06/2021 23:23

No I'm not, have to say being thrilled about book bands is a bit I dunno, unattractive tbh.

Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/06/2021 23:26

@Emilizz34

I’m not remotely competitive but then my dc’s excelled in school and in their chosen fields . My friend has v high achieving kids but she’s very competitive/ pushy . She once told me that she used to check out other kids reading levels on play dates and check their homework copy books in their school bags when at her house . She assumed everyone did the same . She was quite embarrassed when I said that no , not everyone does this 🤣🤣. She’s living in the US where it’s apparently the norm . I couldn’t deal with this . No interest
I've been tempted but haven't actually done this 😂
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JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 08/06/2021 23:26

I’m not competitive at all as I’m not interested in how well other kids are doing. However, I do encourage my own children to be the best they can be so I will get them to do all of their homework, ensure they practice their instruments even on days they don’t really want to and work hard if playing sports etc.

I want them to be happy, healthy and as successful academically as they can be. I’m not bothered about other peoples kids so it’s not competing. I don’t discuss my kids progress with anyone other than DH, their grandparents and their teachers.

Scramblinghealingdreaming · 08/06/2021 23:30

So what we have are of parents being competitive to say how uncompetitive they are if their children!

I'm not competitive. Well I am even less competitive than you. No I am the most uncompetitive here! Grin

Scramblinghealingdreaming · 08/06/2021 23:31

Typos .... Blush

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/06/2021 23:32

I’m not sure I’m competitive but I’ve always done extra work with my dcs, made sure they take advantage of opportunities, visited places just so they can do well at school and have experiences that broaden their minds.

I do the same, they have lots of opportunities to be involved in all kinds of activities and have tutor support for academics. For me that’s about giving them the chances to find things they’re passionate about, and to help my DD particularly not fall too far behind academically. For me it’s about helping them both reach their potential whatever that might be rather than wanting them to beat their peers against an arbitrary marker of achievement.

ellenpartridge · 08/06/2021 23:32

My parents have always been SO competitive and it was actually quite horrible. They were very pushy with us and would jeer about how much better we were academically than our friends, were obsessed with grades and reading levels etc. It has rubbed off on me after being raised like that all my life so I do identify with what you're saying, but I hate thinking like that!

My mum is still like this now with my kids and it winds me up. Whenever my dc achieve something, e.g. when dd learned to ride her bike, rather than just being proud my mum will always ask things like whether any of her friends have managed this yet. I hope this attitude doesn't rub off too much on my kids as I don't want them lording it over their mates that they've done X skill first or whatever. No need for it.

I think being proud and being competitive are very different. Proud is fine and normal but the competitive side is horrible. No need to put everyone else down in order to be proud of an achievement!

Roonerspismed · 08/06/2021 23:35

No. I’m not. I was brought up this way and it’s not good for kids as they pick up on it. “Ooh and what group is Sebastian in, darling”.

I tell my kids to work hard and do their best and understand there is usually someone better than them at something. My kids are all self starters in terms of getting homework done or music practice so I’m happy as they seem to be

Wearywithteens · 08/06/2021 23:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TableFlowerss · 08/06/2021 23:45

I wold keep it to yourself because people tend to get annoyed when it’s to do with a child’s academic achievements. It’s not down to parenting if a child is academic or not.

I would also not get too hung up ok reading ability at that age as it can change and the ones that are on lower bands can go up pretty fast.

I was you about 8 years ago. To this day to be fair DC is higher ability, working on target to get A*s at GCSE. Everything comes so naturally and they were reading about 3 years ahead of their age group so I was told.

That’s lovely, but….

I have another DC who can barely read, barely write and is about 2 years behind their peers. It’s so sad to see how one child struggles incredibly yet another couldn’t find it any easier.

I’d give anything for them both to be average academically.

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/06/2021 23:53

It’s just that almost everything else is more important. It’s so irrelevant in the great scheme of things

I’d agree, I just wish awards were given for kindness, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, all the qualities we look for in others.

I have twins, one A* material, the other dyslexic and will leave school without qualifications, one finds it all easy the other tries hard abs has good work ethic.

Shame really we value the wrong things.

TableFlowerss · 08/06/2021 23:57

@BluebellsGreenbells

It’s just that almost everything else is more important. It’s so irrelevant in the great scheme of things

I’d agree, I just wish awards were given for kindness, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, all the qualities we look for in others.

I have twins, one A* material, the other dyslexic and will leave school without qualifications, one finds it all easy the other tries hard abs has good work ethic.

Shame really we value the wrong things.

Shame really we value the wrong things

This! The ones that are naturally very academic don’t need to put in the effort to get the grades that those who are less academic, could only dream of.

Effort and working hard shoukd be rewarded and looked at more positively

MasterBeth · 08/06/2021 23:57

I am pleased when my children don’t struggle with things. I don’t need them to be “winning” at life but I want them to be happy.

JackieTheFart · 08/06/2021 23:58

No. I couldn’t be less like you if I tried!

My two eldest have moderate SEN and may never excel at anything particularly academic, although they are both good at art. DS3 is almost identical to me in terms of personality and temperament, and also academic capability. I encourage but don’t push.

I try really really hard to get a good balance between the three of them that doesn’t make the older boys feels down on their abilities because their little brother is more gifted. It’s hard.

Also I would be a shit teacher as I have very little patience for working through homework!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/06/2021 00:01

I didn't need to be competitive at that age as my children were definitely the best 😁

Just so you know...my DD was reading Roald Dahl and Lewis Carroll when she was in reception

FierceBarrie · 09/06/2021 00:06

@Talkwhilstyouwalk - you say you’re not competitive yourself. Same with me.

I was an utterly average student at school - did better an uni, but was never going to be top of the class.

I was rubbish at sport, and good enough at music.

I’d say the reason I’m not competitive is because, God knows, it would have got me nowhere. Grin I was never able to compete against the ‘winners’ because I wasn’t remotely good enough!

But perhaps there is some latent competitiveness emerging, because my DC are quite good at some things.

Maybe there’s something in that.

As I say though, the feelings of competitiveness that I get bring me no joy at all. Time for a bit of self-reflection I think, so thanks for starting the thread.

LaProcureure · 09/06/2021 00:17

I am really a deeply competitive person myself, but when it comes to my kids, I’m just not. I want them to do well, and I seek out ways to maximise their strengths and work in their weaknesses. I’m all about encouraging reading, trips to museums, yadda yadda…but I’m doing it for them, it’s got nothing to do with anyone else. I don’t know why I’m not competitive- maybe because I don’t care what anyone else’s kids are doing?

But I can promise you it’s healthier not to be when it comes to kids. One of my friends is madly competitive about hers and OMG the energy she expends on it. And it drives everyone else NUTS and she has literally no insight because she says things like “I’m not at all competitive” 🙄

Chill. Seriously.

RowanAlong · 09/06/2021 00:31

Ah I dunno, if you feel the need to be competitive then your kids aren’t far enough ahead.... 😁

plominoagain · 09/06/2021 00:43

I’m not particularly. Having 5 of them , with a whole range of abilities from properly clever to SEN and everything in between , I’ve learned that comparisons with their peers are utterly meaningless and just lead to pointless fretting , and bluntly , I haven’t got the time or the energy for that shit.

Some of the DC’s friends’ parents though , are shockers . When they were younger , I’d make sure I saw them after school to collect their bags even if they were going to a friend’s house , so the parents wouldn’t have a chance to go through their work or their reading diary. Because they would . Every time .