Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

It's good to know where your children's strengths are.

DS1 has some SpLDs so some aspects of school are hard, and he has some areas of talent. Life is just that little bit more effort for him. I like to know who's in his groupings out of a sense of companionship rather than competition.

DS2 needs his confidence boosting in different areas. DS1 can be a bit condesending to him and he needs to hear that he is actually good for his age and that DS1 is older, unusually strong in specific areas and an insufferable know it all at times

I try to keep it to competition with themself rather than externally against others (including their sibling)

Yes it’s just natural diversity as we are not identical robots so some will be more equal than others! Compete against your own benchmarks and not so much against the field. Having inherent aspiration is a good thing as is just trying one’s best whatever the outcome.

@theleavesaregreen

It's more of a thing in the UK than in lots of other countries, I think.

Just curious how do you know what parents are really like with their kids achievements in other counties? :) I've lived in 3 countries and experienced the same everywhere

@HalfCakeHalfBiscuit

I have never been competitive at all with my children. And therefore they have turned out to be much better at life than all their peers. So there

You saying your kids turned out 'better than ALL their piers' makes you sound competitive 😂 It's a bold statement to make that your kids are better than all their friends. Like better in every single aspect? Every subject at school, extra curricular activity; personality, intellect? Yeah ok 👍🏻

@HalfCakeHalfBiscuit 'better in all aspects of life' is an even bigger statement 😂
So your kids are better than allll their peers in:
-work
-personal relationships
-friendships
-saving/investing
-being a good/happy person
-being healthy
Etc. etc.

Yeah ok 👍🏻

No I'm not.

I find it odd how other parents are always asking. Stuff like.
What reading book are they on
How much homework do they get
What extra activities do they do
What do you give them to eat
Blah blah

DH said it's mainly not about competing but about benchmarking iyswim.

Which is fair but I don't get it. Children are different. They develop at different rates and are good at different things. Some have additional challenges etc.

So hmm. I think when some have tried to compete I've just said wow that's amazing and meant it and that probably took the wind out of their sails!

My kids are fab obviously and I'm proud of them but I would be whatever probably.

I think that being proud that eg your kid won the race at sports day or got voted class council person or got the top mark in maths is normal though isn't it? Not a bad thing at all.

Wanting your kid to actively be better at xyz and feeling they are better than the other children. That's not good.

That's my opinion anyway.

Ah read some more posts.

If you would honestly feel put out that another child was a book ahead. Then that's not good.

And going home and trying to get past that at age 5? Why? I mean. What's the point?

'theleavesaregreen

It's more of a thing in the UK than in lots of other countries, I think.'

I thought some countries in Asia were notoriously extremely competitive and it's a concern because of student suicide rates?

I think most parents are proud of their kids for their achievement. That's different to competitive where you push them to do "better than" or "win" against their peers. I don't think most parents are like that. I'd be proud when my dd goes up a book band, regardless of the book band of other kids are on.

My dd is now 16 and I know she's consistently top five of the year group in several subjects and I only because her teacher told me at parents evening when dd was having a wobble (the school never fully caught up teaching what was missed from y10). I'm proud of her for how hard she's worked and I hope she gets the results she wants but the competitive aspect of wanting her peers to get lower markets than her just so she's the best? Nope. I don't feel like that.

Even if I was competitive about it, it's been such an uneven playing field during the school closures, I have one dd, space for her to work and the time to help, others have had no quiet space to study, shared devices and parents who are working full time stressing to homeschool alongside a full time job so some children will be miles ahead of others because of this.

I'm glad our eldest boy is good at reading and drawing, I'm glad our middle boy is great at maths and our youngest is doing really well in his kindy. But the reason I'm so stoked over these things is because all of our DC have SEN. Amongst the speech issues, sensory issues, anxiety and social struggles there is something that isn't a struggle.

When it comes to our dc I think it is paradoxicaly possible to be a bit competitive without thinking less of other dc. Everyone knows parents tend to be biased to their own child and think they are amazing, and it's really a good thing to be proud of your child's accomplishment. So as long as you don't take it too far and become pushy and entitled most people will understand you love your dc best but that you still care about other children.

I am a teacher and can tell you that more parents are like this than you think op - you are certainly not alone in this, based on the things that children say about their parents, and the conversations I have with parents.

What I would say is that children do pick up on things and come to understand how important academic success is to their parents. I have seen it lead to all sorts of self esteem and anxiety issues, and to children going on to prioritise winning over say being a kind, supportive friend.

The other thing I'd say as a parent to four children who are now adults - it really is a marathon and not a race. The kids who are streets ahead at primary are not necessarily the ones still achieving and winning awards at secondary, and many high fliers at secondary come unstuck at university, and many people who sail through higher education come unstuck in the real life of employment and relationships.

Ultimately, self worth cannot be tied to being the best because one day you won't be - it's not sustainable.

I genuienly think my kids are the best human beings on planet earth, I think all mums do, right? So while I'm proud of them when they win things, I'm not competitive, because even if they lost every race or sport or activity I'd still be 100% convinced that they're amazing in every way. Other people's kids don't really affect how amazing I think mine are

I'm not, I think that the most important thing in life is to be happy. I'm really not bothered how DS does academically as long as he's trying and not dicking around at school.

He's great at maths, not so keen on English and reading. He's not sporty but does horse riding.

Honestly I think competitiveness is a form of insecurity.

Wait till the teen years when your previously gifted child discovers boys and booze and hobbies go by the wayside!

Btw...my dad was obsessed with academic progress ...didnt make me happy.

No. I celebrate my kids acheivments with them and help them. Whete they need it. To be honest I got so fed up with the constant questions from some parents about book bands and weekly spelling tests that I ended up giving them false information 😂 so even if you think you know what book bands other kids are on you probably don't.

The only person I am competitive with is the competitive parent whose DC was in the same class as my DC then went to private school and don’t we all know how wonderful it is and how amazingly her DC is doing.

I had a full breakdown of her DC’s GCSE results before we even had managed to get DS’s. She was pretty much the only person who got a full breakdown of DS’s , everyone else got told he had enough for 6th form. She has managed to piss off everyone locally with her attitude over the years and people take the piss behind her back.

Competitive nature fine but just keep it to yourself.

I promised myself I won't be like that after the ridiculousness of my friend's mother when I was growing up. Friend played the flute, and her mother was forever boasting about her prowess (she was actually rubbish - she performed a piece with a youth orchestra and had to have her flute teacher playing along with her...)

Her mum once boasted how she'd "come second" in a flute competition - amazing, etc. Turned out she was one of only two competitors! Pathetic. She was an absolute laughingstock and it was her mum's fault.

A mum at dc's school is really quite competitive over her dc. She thinks she hides it well but she doesn't really. She slips up every now and then.

There us no harm in wanting to see your dc do well at school and be happy. But the harm comes when we are quite happy for this at the expense of other children. The mum I know secretly wants her dc in every school sports team and doesn't care that this would mean other, more talented children missing out.

With the reading thing, your dc's peers may well catch up over time while her reading progress may level off.

My mum was “secretly competitive”. And not so secretly thrilled that my sister and I were very academic, much more so than our cousins and most friends.

End result? People pleasers. Chasing the marks to make my mother happy. Always doing things that I was already good at rather than trying something new. Risk averse. Scared to fail.

I’m trying so hard not to repeat this with my DSs. Trying not to panic when they get a low mark, trying not to preen too obviously when they get a great mark. Trying to keep it about them, rather than making it about me.

We always knew how important it was to my mother that we “won” at school. Children know, OP, and they watch their parents carefully to see what pleases them and try to repeat that to please them again.

I surprisingly find myself totally the opposite and am genuinely delighted by all my toddler’s completely average achievements. I remember going to the park with all my friends whose kids are the same age when she was about 14 months, and they were all toddling about themselves. Then mine suddenly stood up unaided for a second for the first time and I was absolutely thrilled and jumping up and down and clapping her my friends were thrilled for me too! I think you really notice how different they all are and how pointless it would be to compare at this age. Mine is a great talker for her age but took her time with all the physical stuff, whereas one of her little friends hardly talks at all but has her mum tortured shinning up everything in sight easily, she’s clearly going to be gifted in sport. It’s so fascinating watching them develop, it would be a shame to bring negative emotion into it imo.

I am not competitive and never speak to other parents about how my dc are doing at school. I don't compare them to others but I am secretly happy that ds seems to be doing very well at school, gets above average on reports, in the top groups and gets selected for lots of sporting teams. I don't give my opinions to others, except family members, though.

I’m not competitive as such, but I got no support at home for my schoolwork. I’m pretty invested in practicing reading, handwriting, sentence building and maths at home with my reception child.

As I know the phonics scheme for school, we’ve started gently introducing letters to 3 y/o DC2 so they have a firm understanding for school in September 2022.

They’re both interested in French, always asking what the French equivalent of English words are (which is a bit trying for me with a my ‘d’ at gcse!), so I was researching educational resources last night. I’ve also spent a fortune on banded reading books, being careful to pick complementary books to the school reading scheme rather than the same ones as I don’t want them to be bored with work in school.

Hopefully this support and continued support will allow them to reach their potential, rather than the dreaded ‘could do better’ I used to get.

Some of the DC’s friends’ parents though , are shockers . When they were younger , I’d make sure I saw them after school to collect their bags even if they were going to a friend’s house , so the parents wouldn’t have a chance to go through their work or their reading diary. Because they would . Every time .

I have to say deliberately hiding your children's school books from their friend's parents because you think the parents will look at them is as weird as being overly competitive. I think it's a fairly natural inclination to want to check how your child is doing against their peers and I have never worried about other people doing it. When the DC were at the dreaded teddy's diary stage I remember complimenting one parent on how beautiful her DDs handwriting was in the diary and she looked quite embarrassed and apologetic about it and I have to say I've seen far more parents of clearly very bright or skilled kids have that same slightly embarrassed response to compliments about their kids than I've seen aggressively competitive parenting. Maybe I've just been lucky but I think it's a normal part of parenting to want your DC to do well and I think the competitive uncompetitiveness makes it hard for parents to celebrate their children's success. And anyway the DC all know who is the smartest / sportiest / most musical / artistic / popular etc etc in the year without any input from the parents.