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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying that most parents are competitive to some extent?

205 replies

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/06/2021 22:20

I have 2 DD's and, whilst my main hopes for them are that they are happy, healthy, kind and polite I will admit to being secretly quite competitive when it comes to things like sports and academics.

For example, I'm secretly loving it that my reception age DD is on a year two book band which is much higher than most of her peers. But I know that maths hasn't quite clicked for her yet so I'm keeping everything crossed that it does. I wouldn't say I'm too pushy but I make sure we put a reasonable amount of time into reading and the weekly 'homework' that she gets. Over homeschooling I was far more bothered about the feedback she got than she was 😂

I guess a lot of this comes down to wanting my kids to excel/not to struggle at school. I was a fairly average student but have done well in life so I don't know why I'm secretly so competitive! I would never admit to this to my friends in real life!!

Anyone else like this?!

OP posts:
Legomania · 09/06/2021 15:11

Oh this is so sad! The children are barely able to wipe their own backsides competently and they’re already being streamed in class.

Ours have also been grouped across the year group. They told us it was because the range had become very broad, which makes perfect sense to me. If some kids are still struggling to blend, and others can read fairly well, there's always some who aren't being catered for.
I can't see much smug potential here though, since a full third of the year are in the top group!

KillerFlamingo · 09/06/2021 15:46

My friend recently announced that her 5yr old was "gifted, both academically and artistically."

DH and I haven't stopped laughing Grin

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/06/2021 15:56

@KillerFlamingo

My friend recently announced that her 5yr old was "gifted, both academically and artistically."

DH and I haven't stopped laughing Grin

Wow!
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/06/2021 16:05

Reading schemes do this to a lot of people... 🙄

Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/06/2021 16:49

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I SORT OF get what you're saying, but I think I just like seeing my son do well. The competitive element comes at an expense of another child. To be competirive means you want another child to do badly, which im not really ok with.
Don't want the other child to do badly, just want my child to do better......I know this ridiculous though!
OP posts:
Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/06/2021 16:56

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

Reading schemes do this to a lot of people... 🙄
Glad it's not just me Blush
OP posts:
Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/06/2021 16:57

@KillerFlamingo

My friend recently announced that her 5yr old was "gifted, both academically and artistically."

DH and I haven't stopped laughing Grin

Haha....that's a bold declaration!
OP posts:
Original poster
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/06/2021 17:01

@Legomania

Oh this is so sad! The children are barely able to wipe their own backsides competently and they’re already being streamed in class.

Ours have also been grouped across the year group. They told us it was because the range had become very broad, which makes perfect sense to me. If some kids are still struggling to blend, and others can read fairly well, there's always some who aren't being catered for.
I can't see much smug potential here though, since a full third of the year are in the top group!

Due to lockdown there is a huge difference in where they are with their reading at our school. Still, I wasn't expecting them to be put into sets at such a young age.....

Also don't want her to go off reading now that the books are getting harder with chapters and fewer pictures. She can read them no problem but is definitely not as keen which is a shame.

OP posts:
Becles · 09/06/2021 17:08

I'm a Brownie leader and I can tell you that 80% of the posters on this thread are lying to themselves or us.

Parents are more competitive than the kids ever dream of.

AuntMasha · 09/06/2021 17:10

When I was moved up a year in Primary School, my poor mum had to endure the snide comments of the other mums at the school gates. My mum wasn’t competitive at all, but they were merciless. This was in the 70s - nothing’s changed!

santabetterwashhishands · 09/06/2021 17:18

I'm definitely not competitive 🤷‍♀️
After having a severely autistic son I'm just happy that my children learn at the pace that suits them .
My daughter is a great reader but terrible at maths but I really don't worry because I'm sure she will get there in the end .

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/06/2021 17:40

Also don't want her to go off reading now that the books are getting harder with chapters and fewer pictures. She can read them no problem but is definitely not as keen which is a shame.

Keep in mind her developmental age, at 4/5 her cognitive development means she needs pictures etc to help her comprehension. Decoding is just one part of literacy, comprehension, being able to draw inference, developing understanding and empathy etc are all important processes that require a level of cognitive development which is biological and psychological rather than being about ability or intelligence.

My understanding of children’s process through literacy has massively increased watching a specialist tutor work with my daughter with ASN. Great that she’s reading well, but her cognitive processing may not be quite ready for chapter books just yet so if she’s not quite as keen I’d slow down and keep her on books that engage her with pictures etc.

Lucaslucas1612 · 09/06/2021 17:40

One year 1 school mum recently put on the class WhatsApp group, under the guise of asking for advice, that her daughter was reading a very hard book unaided and did we think the next book was appropriate? Then everyone answered their child didn't read until 8. A massive brag dressed up as asking for advice I thought. I laughed that she felt like she needed to.

Legomania · 09/06/2021 17:44

Also don't want her to go off reading now that the books are getting harder with chapters and fewer pictures. She can read them no problem but is definitely not as keen which is a shame.

Stamina and maturity play a big part though for 5 year olds reading books intended for kids 2-3 years older. My reception DS is an excellent reader ( yes, I am delighted about it and use MN as an outlet to avoid going on about it in RL ). He was reading early chapter books when he started school, but his stamina and vocabulary couldn't keep up with his decoding. Practice has definitely helped with that, but he still gets a lot from picture books - some have surprisingly complex language/themes.

Legomania · 09/06/2021 17:45

Xpost with jellycatspyjamas

JanuaryJonez · 09/06/2021 17:49

I was actually quite shocked at how competitive some parents were when my DCs started at infant/primary. The ones that were tended to be from wealthier backgrounds I noticed.

Two instances that stood out were:

Bumping into a mum in a cafe from my DS's Y1 class and asking her how the recent parents evening went and her gushing for five minutes about the praise the teacher had heaped on her child. My jaw was on the floor.

A dad at a Y3 party spending almost an hour telling me how much they'd sold their house for, how much they'd paid for their new one, how much they'd spent on it since and how much it was worth now. Yawn.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/06/2021 17:55

I'm fairly competitive (in life generally). Most of the people I know who earn a lot are to some extent.

My natural competitiveness includes my children to an extent. But I can see that an element of it is a refusal to believe my babies are anything but perfect therefore they must be the best..... Grin

guinnessguzzler · 09/06/2021 18:01

Sorry, OP, I think this has the potential to be really damaging for your child. I know you say you hide this but I think as parents we often think we hide things that are obvious to our children. I suspect this may leave your daughter feeling she is not good enough unless she is coming top in something.

Also, something I find especially interesting is your jokey comment about if you found out that another child had a higher level reading book you would work to get your child to catch up. Yet you seem to have very little interest in her progress in maths, which you briefly mentioned in your first post. To me, it's our job as parents to support our children so they have the opportunity to pursue their potential as far as possible. That means helping them progress such that later on in life they have choices open to them. If you are more interested in focusing your energy on the areas you think your daughter can win at, you may neglect or dismiss other areas, unwittingly limiting her later choices or potential. I am not saying I think you should be working more on her maths, by the way, more using this as an example. Of course it is often wise in life to play to our strengths but it would be a shame to steer her only in the direction of things that come easily to her. She may end up feeling she should only pursue opportunities where she can easily win and that you only truly value her when she is winning. I'm sure you love your daughter very much and want her to know that but some of this, even in jest, may send her a different message.

Marmite27 · 09/06/2021 18:04

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

A lso don't want her to go off reading now that the books are getting harder with chapters and fewer pictures. She can read them no problem but is definitely not as keen which is a shame.

I don’t know what band your daughter is on, but read with Oxford do Winnie the Witch stories in level 4, 5 & 6 (blue, green and orange) that are fairly hefty as they’re two stories in one book. The kids asked for one as a bedtime story last night and DH was concerned it was going to be too long before I said it was two stories. There are nice illustrations and they’re a nice size for little hands to hold.

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/06/2021 18:12

Great minds @Legomania Grin

Strokethefurrywall · 09/06/2021 18:15

I’m not competitive in the slightest except against myself if that makes sense.
If I’m doing something, I make sure do it brilliantly or why bother.

I’ve never cared about winning and this absolutely extends to my children. I don’t care (or know!) what book band my kids are on, I only care if they’re struggling and need additional help.

Competitiveness can be a hugely ugly trait if not kept in check.

HintofVintagePink · 09/06/2021 18:15

I thought I would be ultra competitive, but I’m not! I’m too tired from the general drudgery of work/school/house pandemic to care about much at the moment other than DCs are clean, fed and where they are meant to be at the right time each day.

fashionablefennel · 09/06/2021 18:21

Not really, no. I expect my kids not to be left behind, but I have come to realise that the competitive parents tend to be completely blind and see "brilliance" when it's just average. Your comment about the reading band being a perfect example.

More importantly, I also completely agree with this:

The kids who are streets ahead at primary are not necessarily the ones still achieving and winning awards at secondary, and many high fliers at secondary come unstuck at university, and many people who sail through higher education come unstuck in the real life of employment and relationships.

It's all about the bigger picture, no one in life, but no one, cares a bit about the reading level in reception, or the age a child was potty trained!

fashionablefennel · 09/06/2021 18:24

Don't want the other child to do badly, just want my child to do better......I know this ridiculous though!

it's also very narrow-minded. You are focusing on your local little bubble which means nothing in the grand scheme of things, there are always better schools and children achieving a much higher level elsewhere.

3scape · 09/06/2021 18:39

Reading schemes are weird. Unfortunately it's very obvious to teachers and students how some parents lose their minds over the significance. The thing to work on is definitely their understanding. So many spout put words but if you ask them about the story, they just repeat back the actual words. It's very rarely the "top" reader who will give a great answer about feelings being expressed etc.